City Bus Stops
Yosuke
PG-13
Romance/Drama
AN: Duo POV. Short, quickly-thought-of one-shot. completed as fast as possible.
What do I think of you?
What is there to think of, ya bastard? Goin' off and disappearing on all of us, expecting us to be okay with the possibility of you being alive. 'Yeah, sure, he survived his exploding Gundam. He's Heero! He'll live through anything!'
How 'bout I shoot you again?
Sigh... It's honestly been harder to register than you might think it is. All while the war ended and peace returned, yadda yadda, I was worrying my ass off. How was I supposed to know that you had survived? The corners of my imagination can only stretch so far! Who knows how you lived through that??... But you did, and that's all that matters. I'm really thankful.
I took me a while to figure this out. After the final decision to get rid of our Gundams, we all went our seperate ways. I stayed on Earth while Quatre and Trowa took off to the colony. Hell knows where Wufei went, and I honestly don't care. I only looked for you. I didn't know why at the time. Maybe it was curiosity. 'Could he really have survived that? His suit blew up! I didn't see anything after that! Something good must've come out of that happening 'cause the war immediately stopped!' I wish I had known earlier, though I don't think it would have made much of a difference. After our final decision, I went to the city and stayed with Hilde for a little while, working in the scrapyard. And while I had enjoyed it, I felt like such a cheap bastard. I was just biting off of Hilde's profits. She offered me a place to stay and even some home-cooked meals. And even though I was very grateful to her, I just felt bad.
A problem arose sooner or later, and Hilde was asked by some distant family to go stay with them and work on something or another. She wanted very badly to go, but declined on my behalf. She knew I had nowhere else to go, and ditching the yard would leave me without a job... and a home. As used to making sacrifices as I was, it ward very hard to let this one go. The war was over. I had done my job. I had helped save humanity. I shouldn't have had to make anymore sacrifices. But Hilde shouldn't have, either.
Reluctantly, I quit at the scrapyard and told Hilde to go on, that I shouldn't hold her back. She could only stare at me in disbelief at the fact that I was letting go of a home (especially considering my past). She refused to let me quit at first, but I somehow convinced her to leave me and just go where she was needed. I had never seen her eyes look so happy. But she only left on one condition: That I find a good, safe place to stay and eat something every day.
I eat everyday... just not a whole meal.
I went back on the deal. I felt a little bad, but when I though of Hilde going somewhere that made her happy, I felt relief wash through me and continued to try to live normally. No, I never did find a place to stay. I was a homeless person. I was a bum. How stu-fricken-pendous.
I had a general area in the city that I stayed around. I usually slept on a bench or a city bus stop somewhere. I had money, sure, but I couldn't waste it on a hotel. I needed the money for food and medicine (sometimes). I was developing a pretty bad cough, and when I went to a doctor about it, he said I had come down with something. Buncha medical terminology. That didn't matter. I was sick. Take some medicine and I'll be fine... for a while. It's been hard enough living. Maybe my sickness can kill me off and save me the trouble.
With some of the money I had, I went and purchased a few things from thrift stores. A wamer jacket, for one. It was December again, so it was getting colder, of course. Actually, a few days ago, it had begun to snow. Lucky me.
Whatever food I had was put in my backpack, something I had saved over the years. Thank goodness THAT was still in one piece. At night, I had to take off all my accessories and store them in my bag, then hide it somewhere where no one would find it. I couldn't afford to let someone steal my watch or my hat or something. Even if those items become useless to me someday, they'll be able to be sold at a pawn shop and get me some money when I'm all out.
As I had said, it was December, and that meant Christmas was right around the corner. And THAT meant... Christmass trees and lights up all over the place. Fancy gifts decorated in store windows. Santa Clause look-alikes on the corners asking for money for the needy. I donated a few times... out of empathy. But I made sure to save enough money for a Christmas present.
For who? For you, of course.
I found out through gossip and old connections that you were still alive, and that you lived nearby. Your professor had set you up with a small apartment in a fairly-nice complex with fairly-nice people somehwere in the outskirts of the city. They had wanted you to refrain from getting a job, and that they'd provide you with the money you needed to live by. They said that you weren't ready for normal social-interaction. They had assumed you would be dead by the end of the war, and never really took any precautions to taking on a normal life. But now that you're still alive... What else could they do but undo what they had done? Your life, your emotions, your personality... all trashed thanks to those guys. They didn't even think you'd be able to answer a phone call or the door normally without scaring people. Complete bastards are what they are... can't even think of a person like you as ordinary (even though you aren't). But those thoughts came after the happiness inside me. To know you were still alive... It made me feel so relieved! You were safe! My prayers were answered! The only part I couldn't figure out was why I felt that way. Last thing I remember, you tricked me into socking you in the face before you hit me hard in the gut. Not the best memory to go by: Leaning against your shoulder, the wind knocked out of me. It took me a while to think about it. Once I discovered these feelings, I used up most of my time contemplating it, trying to understand.
You were alive. I was happy. You hated me, though, and I knew it... It didn't add up. Then one day, it just clicked...
I had feelings for you.
The most mundane idea in the world, but it still made sense. And I coudn't believe. I had fallen in love. I had fallen in love with you! Heero Yuy! And you HATED me! It was completely unrequited! I felt like such a sucker after that. Even if you didn't hate me, you were left with no emotions. You didn't think anything of me. I was nothing to you, and here I was, on a mental-trip with me on my knees begging you to take me in. Of course, this was all in my head, and I hadn't actually seen you at any point since I had FIRST heard of your whereabouts. But once I DID go to see you... what was I going to do? Confess my heart? Ask you to love me back? That wouldn't work! I'm a street rat now! You're set up for life in a nice apartment with plenty of money and supplies and complete coordinencece on your life! I had to sell my watch just to get food! Like you were really gonna let me come live with you, BELIEVING that I was in it just because I loved you. I would only feel the same way I had when I lived with Hilde: like a leech. You would sacrifice your time just to make me comfortable. And what about me being sick? It'd only be a hassle taking care of me! This cough was getting worse. I was becoming dizzy at some points during the day. I may have even had a fever. I won't go live with you, only to be coughing all day and possibly infecting YOU as well. I would never do that to someone I cared about.
Time passed, and Christmas drew closer. I was window shopping, staring admiringly at the pretty lights and tall trees that I would never have, touching the glass to see if I could feel that warmth shown on the other side. I only met frost. While passing a bookstore on a semi-busy street, I saw a book in the window on display. It was one of those 'get in touch with your inner-person' self-help guides that let you freely feel your pent up emotions and harness them to let you figure our your life a little better. I had put my hands on the window, putting my face as close to the glass as possible without touching it. Through my fogged up breath on the window, I read everything on the cover and smiled to myself. It was perfect. That would be a GREAT gift for you! Your professor wasn't letting you out of your cage just yet, not until you proved you were ready for normal society. So, maybe this could help! I recognized the author's name, and remembered hearing about what good psychiatrist she was. This book had to be bonafied! THIS was going to be your present! The sooner you could learn to control yourself better, the sooner you'd be able to walk out of your home freely! And that was something that I'd be thankful for. Immediately, I went into the shop and purchased the book. The store gift-wrapped items by request, and I had it prettied up for you in no time at all. After paying for it, I went straight to your apartment complex, hunting down your door number by the directions on the paper I had, and finally, I found it. I never hesitated in leaving it at your doorstep. I only hesitated at leaving. I wanted to see you. I really, really wanted to say hi, to ask you lots of questions, to see if you were doing okay... But I couldn't do that. That could piss you off, to know that someone like me, one of the most annoying people (or so YOU said) in the world was tracking you down and trying to woo you into a relationship, as much as I would deny it. No, you'd be much happier if you took the gift, never knowing who it was from.
Checking to see if the tag was on the present ("To: Heero From: blank"), I turned and headed back down the flight of stairs and off the complex. I hoped it wasn't true when I thought I heard your door open to reveal you, taking the present, then walking to stand at the top of the stairs and look to see who was leaving. Even if you had and knew it was me, you didn't stop me, so I must've made the right decision not to stay.
And that's the story. What happened after that? A happy ending with me running back to you and you taking me in with open arms? No. Nothing like that. I'm sitting here now, at a city bus stop, hands in my jacket pockets, face hidden beneath my black cap, leaning against the small shelter provided to guard against the weather. It's snowing. And really, really cold. This jacket does nothing for the cold. I feel so screwed.
My cough has gotten worse, and I have an almost permanent fever now. I ignore it, though. No point in living your life if you're just gonna spend it worrying all the time. If I'm sick, I'm sick. Nothing I can do about it.
I've run out of money almost completely. I don't think I've eaten in about two days for fear of losing all my money. There are horrible pangs of hunger in my stomach that I try to ignore. And even with all this crap, every single bad thing that's happened, I still hope you're okay. I hope you're using the Christmas present I got you to get back on your feet and live a good life. I wonder who you're spending Christmas with? Whoever it is, I hope they treat you well. I want you to get a lot of presents and a big Christmas tree to light up and put ornaments on. Hell, I even want you to give a fake-smile to those kids that always go around, singing carols all the while being so off-key that it's like listening to a fourth grade choir. I want you to be happy. I want you to be treated good. I want you to have a good life.
I'm getting sleepy now, and I'll probably just fall asleep right here and hope no one steals my hat or jacket or shoes or something. While I fall asleep, I'll think of good things like I used to when I was in the orphanage. Not like 'I wonder what my friend got me for Christmas!' or 'I wonder if we get to go see the giant tree being lit in the park on Christmas Eve!' But more like 'I wonder if I'll ever see Heero out on the street?' or 'He better be taking good care of that book I bought him!'
So, what do I think of you, Heero Yuy?
Well, so long as I'm fallen for you, I might as well not consider my thoughts, but just keep those peronal reactions to you inside me to fuel me on when I'm sitting here, coughing, trying to add up how miserable I am. Yeah, I'm in love with you. You don't like me, though. Maybe, at some point, once you're allowed to roam the streets alone and freely, you'll come talk to me, and I can pretend to be alright, and then we'll say the traditional "I guess I'll see you around," when we know we really won't, and I'll go back to sleep at a city bus stop.
Ze end.
AN: New record! Completed in two hours! Booyah! Started at twelve something (actually, I think I started at 11: 55 or something), finished at 1:51 p.m.! And I'm not totally disappointed in this one, either! That's a milestone right there! Now you know what would complete me even more? If you went and clicked the nice rectangular button down there and leave me a review of some sort. All are accepted, though flames aren't particularly liked. Flames make Kumagoro cry. And we don't want Kumagoro to cry. That's just heartbreaking.