Title: We're Watching You
by Saber Girl Amidaala
Rating: PG- 13
Genre: Humor, I hope.
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Han and Leia belong to each other. And they also belong to George Lucas. I also do not own GL. I do not intend to offend anyone. If I did, "I have hurt you, and I am sorry for it"(Shakespeare in Love quote).
Author's Summary(was too long for 's taste): Star Wars characters realize that everything they say is being recorded and published. There are a few small references to other movies, so for example, if you like Shakespeare in Love, read this. And then go watch SW. Like I did. (Thank you, Leia and Jaina!)
Setting: during Empire Strikes Back
Chewbacca walked into the room, roaring. He was carrying a box filled with gold droid parts.
"What happened?" Leia asked.
Chewbacca roared in response.
"Where?" asked Han.
Chewbacca roared again.
"Found him in a junk pile?"
"Oh, what a mess," said Leia. "Chewie, you think you can repair him?"
Chewbacca shrugged and roared.
"Lando's got people who can fix him," Han supplied.
"No, thanks." Leia didn't trust Lando.
"Hey, what's that?" Han stared at the wall behind Leia, a confused look on his face.
"Han, if this is some kind of trick…"
"No, really, Leia. Look behind you."
She turned around reluctantly and was shocked at what she saw. "A holocam?! What's a holocam doing in here?"
"My guess would be that it's recording us," Han said sarcastically, "but maybe it just likes this room."
"Han! We have to talk to Lando. I knew there was something going on." Suddenly Lando appeared. Speak of the Sithspawn… Leia thought.
"Sorry, am I interrupting anything?" asked Lando. Leia was about to yell at him about the holocam, but then Han elbowed her. She glanced at him. He shook his head.
"Not really," she said.
Lando stared at Leia. "You look absolutely beautiful," he said. "You truly belong with us among the clouds."
Leia wanted to scream, Shut up, nerf herder! Instead she just said, "Thank you."
"Would you join me for a little refreshment?" Lando offered. He looked around the room. "Everyone's invited, of course."
They left the room and walked through the halls. You just wait, Lando. Did you really think we wouldn't notice the holocams? Leia thought as they walked. Meanwhile, Han and Lando were in the middle of a conversation. Leia was only half listening.
"Aren't you afraid … will find out about this…" Han was saying.
"It's a constant danger and it looms like a shadow over everything… I've just made a deal… out of here forever." Lando opened a door.
Inside the room was a table with a bunch of people sitting around it, typing furiously without stopping. At the head of the table stood George Lucas, overseeing the process. In the middle of the table, a hologram was playing.
"Hey, wait a second," Han said. "Those guys in the hologram look awfully familiar. I just can't place them…"
They're US, you idiot, Chewbacca roared. Are you on spice?
"Well, I did feel kind of funny after I drank that hot chocolate Lando gave me…oh, wait, I just realized the situation." Han pulled out his blaster and shot at Lucas. Lucas deflected the shots with his hand.
"How did you do that?!" Han exclaimed.
"No one ever told you of your father, did they?" said Lucas.
Now Han was getting scared. "They told me enough," he shouted. "They told me YOU killed him!"
"Probably, if he's dead," said Lucas. "But Han, I am your father!"
"That's not true! That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"
"No, really. It's impossible. How can you be my father if my father is dead?" Han was confused.
"I am dead," Lucas replied.
"WHAT?" Han cried.
"Huh? Oh, I was just thinking of a good line for a character you haven't met yet. I'm not writing the book, but… you will leave that to me." He paused. "Anyway, the point is, I am the creator of everything in your galaxy. Well, actually, you do exist. But only on my computer. Until I have movies made and books published about you, that is."
"Oh, that's good," said Han. "For a second I thought we were all slaves to a computer or something. But that would be a bad movie idea."
Leia suddenly pulls out her own blaster and shoots at people in the room. "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" she screamed.
"Uh, duh. Authors kill characters, not the other way around," someone pointed out helpfully.
"Who are you?" Leia asked. He was not typing like the others, and Leia had not shot at him yet.
"I am the money," he said.
"Then you may remain, so long as you remain silent. Pay attention. You will see how a genius creates a legend."
The man nodded.
Leia turned to George Lucas. "I'm still a bit uncomfortable about being recorded. Could you at least stop it for a while, after you're done filming your current movie?"
"All right, I'll take out all the bugs," George conceded.
"ALL the bugs? There's MORE?!"
"Of course. We have to get the right angles on everything."
Meanwhile, Han was reading the computer screen of an author who was typing.
"You know," Han said, "You can type this junk, but you sure can't say it."
"But you just said it. An hour ago," the author replied.
"I did? I don't remember that."
"That's because you actually said it a long time ago, but we authors speed up or slow down time as much as we want. That's why certain characters are worried about being able to have children in the later books, that aren't as good," the author continued.
"Huh?" Han was confused again.
"Never mind. But, uh… I'd be nicer to your furry friend over there, if I were you- you never realize how much you miss them until they're gone." The author sniffled.
Now Han wondered if he'd gone crazy. He looked for Leia. She was talking to another author.
"So… you write down everything we do? And publish it?" she asked.
"Yeah, pretty much," the author replied proudly.
"What about when we…" Leia started to blush.
"Oh, no, of course not," the author reassured her. "That's just for fanfic writers."
THE END