AN: Technically, this is the last chapter. But there will be an epilogue. A short epilouge, but an epilogue, all the same. Thanks guys, for all the reviews. I still can't believe how much support this story has gotten.
Pt. 7--It's a cruel world, but she's got a hold on
It always has to end this way.
They are standing out side of his apartment. The sky is clouded heavily and he thinks absently that maybe it should be raining. She wishes it would, so if she does cry, he wouldn't be able to tell. If he saw her crying, he would try to comfort her, and that would just make everything so much harder than it already was. And it was already damn hard enough.
Her car is parked beside them, her bags strewn on the sidewalk around them. She leans against the car door, closes her eyes and breathes in deeply. Concentrate on inhaling and exhaling. In, out, in, out. Keep to a steady rhythm and we'll all be okay. Maybe then the world will stop spinning around her.
This is too much, too hard, and she isn't sure about any of it.
Jess stares at her for a moment. He moves to pick up her bags, he needs something to do with his hands before the urge to grab her and pull her back inside becomes too strong. He tosses them into the trunk of her car, feeling numb as he does so. Shouldn't this hurt more? Maybe this hurts too much. Maybe he's grown so used to pain, he doesn't even notice it. He wonders if she hurts, glancing at her in the corner of his eye. One look at her, and he knows.
This is the hardest thing she's ever done. And he can't do a thing to fix it.
He slams the lid of the trunk shut, more forcefully than he intended. The noise it makes causes her to jump slightly and open her eyes quickly. She catches his eyes in hers. She instantly wants to pull away, make the pain a little less strong, but he's got a strong grip on her, this one, even when he's not touching her.
There's no way she can go through with this. (But that's just wishful thinking.)
They move closer towards each other, and they know that this is it. Goodbye.
The word feels heavy in her thoughts. She's been thinking about it, about this, for days now, mulling it over, and it hasn't settled with her very well. It feels too harsh, too final. But it is what it is, and it will have to do.
Goodbye.
Neither of them wants to say the word (that vile word), neither really wants to say anything. If a thought is spoken, it is shared, out there for everyone to taste. It becomes almost real. Safe in the recesses of the mind, one can pretend it doesn't exist.
Time to stop playing pretend.
He's braver than her (or maybe he's not, maybe he just wants this to be done, get the hard part over with), and speaks first.
"So…"he trails off, not really knowing how to start, but he hates the silence.
"Yeah." She breathes. She's clueless too, and it doesn't really help the situation.
"This is it, huh?"
"Don't say it like that," she wrinkles her nose.
"Like what?"
"This is it. It's too final."
"I think it fits." His eyes are solemn, sad. She silently curses him for being right, for now, she's fighting back tears.
"It doesn't have to be, you know. Final." She's pleading with him now, but she knows it's fruitless. He says nothing, because there's no use in saying anything. She knows what this is, he knows what this is.
This is her making a choice. It had to be done, and it had to be this, this ending. The realization had hit him hard, and it still hurts. He sighs, drawing his breath out slowly. He moves towards her, pulling her near him. She buries her head into his chest, and he strokes her hair gently.
"I'm scared, Jess," she whispers softly, and he swears he heard her voice crack. Shit. He begs her silently not to break down. He doesn't think he can't hold her up this time, not when he's so close to falling apart himself.
"You shouldn't be. You have to do this, Rory." His voice comes out almost strong; he's surprised at how sure he sounds.
"How do you know? How do you know that this is the right choice? Maybe it's not, maybe I'm supposed to stay here with you. You said it yourself, you said we're supposed to be together! What if we are, and I leave? This could be completely wrong."
"It's not, Rory. If we're supposed to be together, then we'll be together when it's time. It's not time, and you know that. You have to go back. You have to be a journalist; you have to go to Yale. You can't throw away everything you've planned for me, Rory. I can't hold you back."
"I just don't want any regrets."
"You'll have more if you stay."
"I know," she replies. They just stand there for a moment, silent, drinking it all in. The sky grows heavier, and a few droplets fall. She can feel one hit her shoulder, but she hardly notices. People are walking all around them, some pausing just long enough to give them a strange glance, but it doesn't matter, nothing matters.
And then they come. The tears she's been holding back for who knows how long come pouring out, a steady salty flow. Jess's shirt is getting wet, but he just holds her tighter, wishing there was something he could do, knowing there's nothing. He hates seeing her cry. He always feels so helpless, and he has to fix it, has to fix her, only he can't, not this time. He's breaking himself; perhaps he's already broken. It hurts to know she has to go, hurts to know he can't hold her anymore.
But he knew it was coming. He should have been more prepared.
But really, how could he prepare himself for this? He had taught himself a long time ago not to get attached to anyone, and since then, it had saved him a lot of pain. But with Rory…he didn't know how it happened, but she roped him in, and here he was. Hurt.
He thinks that maybe the hurt is worth even the short while he had her.
Finally, her sobs slow, and she's trying to catch her breath. He rubs her back in gentle circles as she calms. She pulls away a bit and stares at him, her face tear stained. They lock eyes, and she breaks the silence.
"I love you," she says, softly, but strong and sure. She's never looked so bright and sweet, even with her eyes red and face wet. He stares at her a moment, and pulls her back to him, kissing the top of her forehead.
"I know." And he does know, somehow. She feels relieved, knowing that this is what she needed to do all along.
She pulls away again, this time, walking towards her car. She's about to open her door, when she feels his hand tugging at her elbow. She turns to face him, and he steps forward, moving in to kiss her. At first, she's scared. She's not sure what a last kiss is supposed to feel like. But he kisses her, gently, tenderly, and she receives it gladly. The kiss deepens, and she is pushed back into her car. The door handle is pressing into her back, but she doesn't really care. She's running her hands through his hair, trying memorize every aspect of him, so at least she'll have something for always.
Then she concentrates on the kiss itself, its taste. It tastes stronger than what she's used to, all the flavors that are Jess mingling together and hitting her hard. It tastes bitter, no, bittersweet. It tastes like a goodbye.
They both pull away, resting their foreheads against the other's. Their hands entwine one last time, gripping on tightly. They both breathe heavily. They know what has to happen.
"So, you'll call?" She says, and they both feel an uneasy sense of déjà vu.
"I'll call," he whispers. He won't, they both know. She won't either. It's okay.
She drops his hands and turns away, gets in the car. She looks at him one more time, studying him.
And then it comes.
"Goodbye, Jess."
'Goodbye, Rory."
With four words, they both crash, pieces breaking and scattering everywhere. But there's no turning back now. She closes her door, starts the car, and she's gone.
This is how it had to be.
Jess goes back into his building. He climbs the stairs, opens the door to his apartment, and flops into a chair. He feels nothing, and everything. He's not sure; he doesn't want to think about it, really. He'd rather not think at all.
He picks up a book that was lying next to him on the floor, and begins studying the cover. He smirks when he sees the title.
Howl.
ooo
A few hours later, Rory drives past an all too cheery 'Welcome to Stars Hollow' sign. She circles the town, before pulling into her mom's driveway.
The town was all the same. It always was. No matter how much she changed, it was still here, unwavering. And a part of her was stuck with it.
She smiled for the first time all day.
And they both knew one thing.
They'd be okay.