It seems like forever and I can still taste the sweetness of her lips, the fact that she got lost in the moment just as much as me, I can still see her when I close my eyes. Its been so long since I saw her, since I saw her and yet shes always on my mind, shes engraved in my soul, she is my life and it pains me almost more than words can bare that she'll never be mine. My skin crawls whenever I think of her and him, I still cannot blame her for leaving with him, I mean my mother could hardly bare to look at me let alone anyone else.

I still don't understand why she kissed me, was it love, spite or god forbid pity - pity for who am I, of who I was born like and never outgrown. It all I've ever had - pity, anger, revulsion all because of the infliction that marrs everything I do - the posion that seeps into friendships making them dead in the water before they even start - that which casts me out before I've even belong... this....

My nights are filled with thoughts of her, my days drift by in a haze of her, playing out different endings that will never happen. Scenarios that are more for my comfort than anything else, the wishes of a hopeless dreamer who wants nothing but the sun that lights up his dark nights, the object that keeps his world spinning, his love, his life, his all. Never have I been so lost in what I've found. Why do I feel the need to embarass myself with the things I did. She probably has never given me a single thought since she walked out my life with littlle more than a goodbye - but part of me clings to the hope that she'll come back...

I try to do my music, but it always ends up frustrating me, its pointless if she doesn't get to hear it, if she doesn't sing it - she gave me her mind, I gave her music. I gave her my soul bit by bit, note by note. Rejection and despair are soul-mates of this man who is now more Phantom than he has ever been... softly I weep, the heaven's angel and the devil's servant, rejected, obssessed and alone.