A/N: HELLO!!! Not sure if anyone will be interested in reading this or not, but we'll find out!
I've finally gotten home after five months of training, and I'm anxious to get back to doing what I love the most---and one of those things is writing this story! I might be leaving again in 3 wks., but it's not certain yet, so for now I'll just update as much as possible!
Thank you so much for all your patience,
Sierra
XXXXXXX
Without any thought, Alex leaned over and spashed the ice cold water onto his face, breathing hard; beads of water formed on his tightly slicked-back hair, drawn up from a thinning face. His skin was pale compared to it's usual healthy flush, his icy blue eyes were dull.
Pull it together, Collins. In the week since his fight with Jen, he had barely eaten or slept; the hours between one and six in the morning he spent tossing and turning instead of getting the rest he needed. He closed his eyes, squeezing them shut and trying to get rid of the image of Jen's face burned in his mind; he was wrong, and he knew it. A simple 'I'm sorry' could never erase his actions.
Or her's. With a cringe, he thought of Wes again, the grandfather from so many generations ago that stole his fiancee.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of someone calling his name from outside, it was a woman, and the concern in her voice was unmistakable---it could only be one person. He walked to the open window and leaned over, Sienna stood outside in a black dress, her hair falling over her revealed shoulders.
"What're you all dressed up for?" Alex laughed.
"We're going out tonight," she answered, "didn't you know?"
"No," Alex said, "to both. I'm not going anywhere tonight."
"You need to get out," Sienna insisted.
Alex sighed, shaking his head, there was no denying Sienna. "I'll compromise," he said, "you come up here and I'll make you something."
"You?"
"Why not?" Alex questioned, "I cook for myself and I'm not dead . . . yet."
"Uh-huh . . . well, all right then."
As she headed to the door, he went to the closet and pulled out the only civilian clothes he owned: A pair of black pants and a dark blue sweater. As soon as he pulled the shirt over his head, the computer announced that his guest had arrived; he hurried over and opened the door himself so he could see her. She looked him up-and-down briefly, chuckling under her breath: "You look great."
"Bull," he said, "I look like crap---especially compared to you."
"I clean up well, don't I?"
Alex stepped aside, letting her through, she passed by and sat down on the couch, comfortable in her surroundings. Then her eyes narrowed and fixed on him as he began preparing dinner: "Have you eaten at all?"
"A bit," he said.
"Well, you had some extra weight to lose," Sienna admitted, "get that six-pack yet?"
"Afraid not," Alex said, "I'm not quite the athlete I was before."
"Lazy." She smiled. "The exact opposite, actually. I've said this before, and I'll say it again: You need to try to get over this, Alex."
"'Get over it'?" He laughed with little humor. "I hit her, Sienna . . . I've killed people with my bare hands and I actually used them to hurt her!"
"You broke, Alex," Sienna said, "you've been under a lot of stress lately---"
"That's no excuse, and you know it," Alex cut her off, "let's just drop it, okay? I'm sure you're ready to eat anyway."
He brought their food over and sat down, avoiding her eyes; too often he had thought about what a good couple they could have become. Despite their differences, they worked well together, and supported one another through every obstacle. But he went and fell for Jen, it kept going back to that, because that was the only thing that mattered in the end.
"Damn, Alex," Sienna sighed, setting down her drink.
"I'm sorry," Alex said, "really, I am."
"You haven't eaten anything," she pointed out, "you're just lost in your thoughts. I know you're hungry---eat!"
"Yes, Mom."
"You obviously need someone to take care of you."
They paused for a few moments, then Sienna made one last attempt to lighten the mood: "So," she said, "how've you enjoyed being 'back on the job'?"
"It's better than desk work," Alex said, "and I have a good partner."
Sienna smiled a bit and downed the rest of her drink, then she rose and walked away with the used dishes; Alex watched her, sipping his beer. She was standing silently, her arms wrapped around her body, he seized the opportunity to join her.
"Beautiful night," he commented, looking out the window.
"Yes . . . "
He looked at her quickly, detecting a small tremor in her voice; they stood close, he could catch the faint scent of her perfume, it intoxicated him even more than the alcohol.
"Loneliness," Sienna said, "is the worst enemy of all . . . you and I both know that."
"Yeah," he agreed, pressing his lips together.
"I hate it," she said, "no matter how many friends you have, nothing can replace having someone next to you when you wake up in the morning."
"Nothing quite like that . . . "
"I'm a strong believer," Sienna said, "that no one should be alone." She turned to him, her eyes wide and glistening mysteriously; Alex simply shrugged one shoulder, as if brushing off her comment. But then she moved slightly, her leg touching his and causing him to jerk in surprise.
"Sienna . . . "
He took her in his arms and kissed her long and forcefully, his mouth pressed so hard to hers she couldn't move; she didn't resist him, but melted in his arms and gave way. Alex held the kiss for as long as he could, finally breaking for air, panting heavily; he met her eyes, seeing the fierce passion within them.
Sienna pressed her hands to his shoulders and pushed him to the wall, taking control; he smiled briefly as she covered his mouth with hers, gripping his shirt and pulling it off. Her hands trembled, but not from fear . . . anticipation. She studied him lustfully, the well-sculpted body she remembered from years before was gone, replaced by an older, battle-scarred one . . . the jagged gash on his back from Ransik's sword . . . the burn marks on his chest from the explosion . . . all grim reminders of the harsh reality of the world they lived in.
Then her eye caught something glisten in the dim light---a chain hung around his neck, and on it was a small, diamond ring . . . he looked down as well, knowing instantly what her concern was. Without a word, he reached up and pulled the chain off, placing it on the table.
"What now?" he whispered.
She didn't speak forever, staring at the ring that he had placed on another woman's hand not so long ago; but she wasn't sacrificing the night she had been waiting for . . .
" . . . will you make love to me, Alex?"
He held her tiny waist and led her over to the bed with a gentle but demanding touch, they fell together as he tried to find a way to remove her dress; she smiled, gesturing to the latch on her back. He undid it, and the dress slid down; he caught his breath in awe as he gazed at her nude form, so different from Jen's. Jen had been in good shape, but Sienna's body was that of a trained warrior; hardened abs, toned legs and arms, vicious scars from her own battle with Ransik.
"Do they hurt?" he asked, quietly, running his lips over a stripe on her neck.
"No . . . " she brushed the scar on his back, watching the sharp grimace it caused. "All wounds heal with time, Alex."
"Some . . . " he grabbed her hand, pulling it away from the painful wound, " . . . take more time. You realize that, don't you?"
Her eyes were mysteriously moist as she stared up at him with such longing it was painful, her thoughts unknown to him. "Let's pretend for the night," she said, softly, "that we're not in this world anymore. That we're in a better place." She ran the back of her hand against his cheek. "Tonight."
Alex took one unsteady breath, placing his own hand on her cheek for a moment and contemplating her words, what he would do next could change everything . . . he flipped out the light, covering them in darkness . . .
MORNING
"Good morning. It is now 0600 hours, your shift begins at 0700---"
Alex threw his hand over the side of the bed and cut off the alarm before the mechanical voice could go any further; for a few seconds, he remained still, trying to recall the events of the previous night. Then it dawned on him: He rolled over quickly, Sienna lie still on her side, sleeping peacefully. Her long hair fell over her shoulders, concealing her nude form; a small smile softened her face and he found himself smiling at her . . . but then a sickness settled into the pit of his stomach as he realized what he had done.
She made love to him in earnest, with all she had pouring out . . . all her love, longing, and lust exposed to him; while he took out his bitter loneliness on her, imagining her to be a diffferent woman the whole time.
"I'm sorry, Sienna."
Nearly half an hour later, she was just waking up as he was headed out the door, tossing on his jacket; she sat up quickly, watching him intently. "Are you okay?" she asked.
He jumped. "Yeah . . . are you?" He zipped his jacket up, staring at her with obvious concern but also discomfort.
"Last night was amazingm, Alex," Sienna sighed, "I'll never forget it. I've wanted it for so long."
"Sienna, I---" he stopped. How could he say it? How could he tell her he didn't love her and the night before was just weakness on his part? "I-I need to get to work," was all he could manage.
"Alex?"
He paused halfway through the door, closing his eyes, his back still turned to her.
"I love you . . . I always will."
There was nothing to say, nothing he could say to make anything better; he couldn't lie to her, he couldn't hurt her anymore. He didn't even look back as he stepped out into the hallway and the doors slid shut behind him, his legs felt weak, and his stomach churned.
"I need to get out of here . . . "
. . . "Get out?" Logan raised his eyebrows in surprise. "And do what exactly?"
"I'm not trying to get out of Time Force, sir," Alex said, "I just think I'd be of better service at another duty station. I've been here a long time, maybe it's time for a change . . . so I can get my mind on other things."
Logan let out a long breath, shaking his head. "Alex, you're probably the best officer I have," he said, "the best I'll ever have, at that. So needless to say . . . I'm hesitant to send you somewhere else when I could use you here."
"I'm not the best anymore, Rob," Alex said, slipping into informal mode with the man he had known for years.
"And you think a change of scenery would help?"
"More like a change of company, actually."
Logan frowned. "I heard about the fight you had with Scotts," he said, "or at least . . . some of it."
"How much?"
"Enough."
Alex cringed. "We can't work it out, Rob," he said, "it's gone too far now. I can't make up for what I did anymore than she can . . . I don't think we can forgive each other."
"It's a shame," Logan said, "that it's come down to this."
You don't have to tell me that. "I don't want her to be uncomfortable . . . having to work with me. And I don't want to have any distractions that might prevent me from doing my best on the job."
"She'll still be on your mind, Alex. No matter where you are."
"I'm pretty good at making myself forget things," Alex pointed out, "when I don't have a constant reminder in front of me. I've done it my whole life."
"You can't just . . . forget." Logan paused, trying to think of the right words. "I think you should see someone, you should've a long time ago, you've been through so much."
"I don't need a shrink."
"You don't handle things like this by just pushing them aside," Logan said, "they'll all build up with time and be that much harder to overcome. You're beginning to find that out."
"I've always dealt with my problems this way," Alex said, "and I'm doing fine."
"If that were true," Logan countered, "you wouldn't be here asking for a new duty station . . . you'd probably still be planning your wedding."
"You're saying I lost Jennifer because of past events in my life?" Alex said, incredulously. "I lost her because she fell in love with someone else."
"Partly as a result of the way you acted," Logan said, "but that wasn't completely your fault. You had lost your life, no one knows how to handle something like that."
"And you think some doctor could tell me?"
"I think it would do you some good to just talk about it."
Alex shook his head. "Rob, please," he said, "save me the sermon. Just let me know if it can be done or not."
"What about Sienna?" Logan questioned, bringing up another subject, "you're just going to bail out on her? You are partners now."
"Sienna and I . . . " he cleared his throat. "We have some issues to work out.'
"Oh . . . "
Alex could only imagine what thoughts were running through his commander's mind as he sat and looked out the window in silence . . . disappointment . . . concern . . . perhaps even some anger. Logan was the closest thing he'd had to a father since he was ten years old, he had helped raise him from the boy he was then to the man he became. He took pride in every one of Alex's accomplishments . . . and shared in every disappointment.
"I'd really rather keep you here," Logan said, "so I can make sure you're taking care of yourself---if nothing else."
You want to keep an eye on me, Rob? He snapped his heels together and saluted sharply: "Understood, sir."
Logan returned the salute. "Good," he said, "go back to your job."
"Yes, sir."
-----------------------
Alex vaguely heard her voice as he downed another glass, the alcohol burned his throat and he cringed as he put the glass down on the counter and ordered another round; his vision was blurred, but he could still make out the figure coming toward him. Her long legs were revealed by a mid-thigh length skirt, she wore a dark red shirt stretched tight over her body; her hair was piled atop her head in a messy bun with strands framing her delicate face. Her lips were painted red and her wide eyes were outlined with black, she hardly looked like herself . . . but she was gorgeous nonetheless.
She must not have recognized him in his civilian clothes, reeking of alcohol and slumped over the counter, for she stood right next to him as she ordered.
"Jen," Katie said, taking her arm as she met Alex's eyes.
Jen turned to see him, her smile disappeared abruptly, but to his relief her expression held no anger or fear; she just stared, unsure what to say or do. He looked down, unable to meet her eyes without breaking down in front of everyone.
"Alex?"
He raised his eyes, surprised to hear worry in her voice; it was clear he had been drinking heavily, and he could only imagine what her thoughts were as she looked at him. Her eyes narrowed slightly and looked him up-and-down as he fought to find the right words:
"Jen, I-I---"
"Come on," Katie cut in, "let's get out of here." She shot Alex a glare before leading Jen away; the Pink Ranger followed silently, rubbing her arms as if she were cold.
Don't go . . .
But why wouldn't she? Alex slid his new drink aside, deciding to head outside instead, it was time to go home; thoughts of Jen crowded his mind, but thoughts of Sienna joined them . . . whether she admitted it or not, he had hurt her, too. It seemed to be a pattern developing . . . everyone he loved, he ended up hurting; there were no excuses, no reasoning, it just seemed to turn out that way.
How long had it been since he stood outside that courthouse and asked Jen to be his wife? He remembered it so clearly, but at the same time it felt like so long ago . . . had it really been less than a year? Only months ago he held her in his arms every night and proudly called her his own, she adored him then, like there would never be anyone else for her.
Alex stood and somehow managed to find his way out of the bar and to his car parked directly outside, he staggered and bumped into other people, who cursed angrily at him. An inner voice warned him as he sat in the driver's seat and started off, speeding down the highway; he flipped on the radio and blared the music to drown out his thoughts. His head was beginning to ache . . . his eyelids felt heavy . . . was that a siren?
"Shit."
Moments later, a Time Force officer stood at his window and knocked lightly on it, his Asian face bearing a deep frown. "Name and I.D., sir."
Alex sighed. "Collins, Alexander." He held up the military-issued I.D. and heard a quiet gasp from the officer.
"Alex?" Lucas Kendall blinked a couple times in surprise. "What're you doing out here?"
"Just write it out, Lucas," Alex said.
"You're not driving anywhere."
"I'll walk."
"You'd probably get hit---" there was a dry humor in his voice. "You've really been drinking?"
"Such a surprise?"
"You never get drunk."
"I never did a lot of things," Alex said, "now either take me downtown or let me go."
Lucas shook his head. "I'm taking you home---" he opened the door "---I can't leave you out here. Not like this."
Alex slowly got out, swaying so much that Lucas grabbed his arms to steady him. "Easy," he said, "man, you're in bad shape. What've you been drinking?"
Alex didn't reply, no smart remark about Lucas' own shaky background, just followed him to the police car and sat in the back. He'd never been back there before, it felt so closed off from everything; Lucas drove off steadily, keeping an eye on his passenger, not like he would watch a criminal . . . but a friend.
Alex knew Lucas was still bitter toward him about many things, they had always rivaled the other in everything; and Alex taking charge when he traveled back in time only made things worse.
"Why're you doing this?" he mumbled, almost incoherently.
Lucas looked back quickly, tightening his grip on the wheel; Alex's eyes were drooping shu, and he was leaning against the window, shaking. "I won't let you do this to yourself, Alex."
The world returned in a spinning blur little-by-little, along with an agonizing pounding in his head . . . "Aw, damn."
"Feeling any better?" Lucas asked, emerging with two mugs of steaming coffee.
"What're you doing here?" Alex sat up, finding himself sprawled across his couch and having no idea how and when he got there.
"I brought you here," Lucas explained, handing a cup to Alex and sitting down across from him. "Well, you look better anyway. I guess you'll be okay by dinner."
"Dinner? What time is it now?"
"Ten a.m." Lucas took a small sip. "I called you off earlier, there was no way you could work in your condition---I didn't tell them why."
"My 'condition'?" Alex frowned. "What happened last night? I don't remember a damned thing."
Lucas smirked. "Not surprising," he snorted, "you were drunk. First time I'd ever seen you that way."
"I was pretty bad, huh?"
"You could say that." He stood up. "Go clean up . . . don't worry, I won't stay long, just wanted to make sure you woke up okay and all."
"No rush," Alex sighed, stretching out his stiff muscles.
Lucas watched him for a moment, then his eyes traveled to the weapon laying on the desk next to the couch, fully loaded . . . "Alex," he said, "I'm sorry to even ask you this but---have you ever thought about . . . "
"Killing myself?"
He flushed. "I need to know."
"Never seriously," Alex said, "but the thought has crossed my mind." He leaned over, resting his elbows on his knees and bowing his head, looking defeated. "I-I don't want to do this anymore, Lucas."
"You can't give up," Lucas said, "you've got a whole life ahead of you! You're still young . . ."
"No."
"What'd you mean 'no'?"
"I mean I don't have a reason not to give up!" Alex yelled, snapping his head up, his blue eyes ablaze. "Everything is gone! My morpher is gone . . . Jennifer is gone . . . " he was beginning to ramble " . . . my parents are gone . . . everything I ever cared about is gone! So why the hell should I go on?"
Lucas was silent.
"Can you tell me, Lucas?" Alex demanded, "can you honestly say there would be one person in this universe that would give a damn whether or not I died right now?" He paused. "I didn't think so. So really, I don't give a damn either."
They lunged for the gun at the same time, Lucas' hand closing around the grip and snatching it away before Alex could get to it; the former Red Ranger let out a small cry and fell against the couch, his entire body trembling. Lucas dropped the weapon and took a tentative step toward him, shocked by the scene of Alex covering his face with his hands and finally sobbing . . . when had this began? How could he not have seen it sooner?
"It'll be all right," he whispered, putting an arm around Alex's broad shoulders. "I'm not leaving . . ."
TBC