Mmmmyah. I feel rested since I slept from 2:00 to 1:30. Almost 12 hours of sleep. Like you guys care.
Ewan: They don't.
Reviewers! I didn't expect to get any but…yey!
xanya-forever: I can't believe you actually liked it. Woo hoo! Ah, I don't hate AU's. I just find it fun to mock them.
Naba: Well, if you're going to flame me, don't make it so that it's incoherent.
Jude: Ooo! Burn! You are not all that and a bag of potato chips! snap, snap Mm hmm!
Um, this chapter is…different. Hope you likey! No own.
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Christian stepped onto the bus. Everybody in the seats immediately stopped making out with the person next to them, including the bus driver who was making out with his pet dog, and shot evil glares at Christian and Carolyn. Most of these glarers were goths and punks with their eyes outlined with a black permanent marker and piercings on half their faces.
"Woo hoo! I fit right in!" squealed Carolyn as she ran to the back of the bus and disappeared in the murky fog.
Christian shifted his eyes to the aisles where all the punks and goths were still glaring at him and his unwelcome preppiness.
He sheepishly cleared his throat and made his way awkwardly to the first seat and sat down next to an overly thin and extremely pale kid with humongous eyes. He immediately regretted it.
As soon as the bus started to roll down the street, Christian decided to introduce himself to the overly pale, overly skinny, overly creepy kid with the overly oversized eyes.
"Hi, I'm Christian."
The creepy little kid next to him slowly turned his head and locked his bloodshot eyes with Christian's blue ones.
Wait, aren't they green?
…Maybe they're gray.
Anyways, they made eye contact.
"Ees eet tyme, Beelleey?" the creepy kid asked in a rather raspy voice.
After smelling the marijuana in his breath, Christian decided to stare in a forward direction the rest of the way to school.
§
School!
Christian was the first off the bus.
This meant he was stampeded by the thirty goths and punks racing to get off the bus.
Carolyn was the last off the bus.
She stood on her brother's back and stared down at him.
"You're pathetic, Christian. How do you expect to survive here at…" Carolyn struck a pose and cocked an eyebrow, "…Moulin Rouge High?!"
Always on cue, Woodland Creature popped out of a random garbage can.
"Dun dun dun!" he announced, ducking back into the garbage can as soon and Christian and Carolyn turned to look.
"What is it? Where did it go? WHYYYYYY??!!" screamed a random goth who was obviously on a bad trip as he ran over to the garbage can, overturned it and dug through the pile of trash.
"This school scares me," Christian decided finally. "I want to go home."
"Oh, Christian, you just have to blend in," Carolyn said, heaving him up. "Just turn goth. It'll solve all your problems."
"But being goth is just so vile."
Carolyn stared at her hopeless brother for a long period of time.
"Well, I better be off to find my homeroom…" Christian wondered off, still receiving ugly glares from pretty much everybody.
Inside was no better. As soon as Christian opened the door and stepped into the hallway, he had almost the exact reaction as on the bus. All the guys dropped their bitches and growled at his presence. Right when Christian saw foam forming at the corner of their mouths, he turned and bolted down the hallway. Immediately as he turned and ran, the entire population of the school was on his tail, most of them growling and barking furiously and running on all fours.
Christian turned a corner and found a door. He quickly went to it only to find out it was the girls' bathroom.
"Like oh my God! It's a man! AHHHHH!!!" screeched the goth chicks as the dropped their joints and eye-liner and bolted out of the bathroom.
Christian panted and leaned against the sink. He couldn't help but let out a giggle in relief.
As soon as he did, however, one of the stalls of the bathroom flew open and five people came tumbling out onto the floor.
"Ow."
"Eh."
"Ouch."
"Muhgoo."
Christian's jaw dropped at the mere sight of them. The first to stand up was a rather short fellow, barely four feet tall. He looked from the other four people lying on the floor to the toilet, then to the ceiling then to the tiny security camera in his hand.
"Ah, poopsicle! You wewen't supposed to faww asweep! Now we won't be abwe to weach the ceiwing!"
The little dude's speech impediment gave Christian a massive headache. But instead of inching away like he would normally do in this situation, he decided to stay on account of all the goths and punks out on a search party for his ass.
While he was contemplating this, the short guy turned and saw Christian and gave a surprised squeal.
"Don't scawe me wike that!" he screeched at Christian.
"Um…sorry?"
"It's okay. My name is Adam Bunsen Chapman Dugan Egbewt Fawwell Gugenheimew Humdingew McCheese the thiiiiiwd!"
Christian stared at him for a long time, trying to process his extremely long name.
"But you can caww me Jeemmy."
"Why Jimmy?"
"I…don't know. GowwumWox wanted to make a wefewence to hew pawody. You can caww me Touwouse too if you want."
"No…I just have an urge to call you Jimmy."
"Faiw enough."
There was a short pause before Toulouse realized he was standing amid four bodies after they'd fallen rather distractedly out of a bathroom stall. Not to mention they were all males in a girls' bathroom.
Well, ALMOST all of them were males.
"This isn't dignified!" one of the four bodies exclaimed. Christian looked over and saw a gender challenged person stand up and brush itself off and then glare at Toulouse with its hands on its hips. "You SAID this would work. NOW look at us! We're lying on the floor just because SOMEONE couldn't stay awake!" The it-thing yelled into one of the body's ear, who remained in his position on the floor, snoring quite loudly.
"Um, this is Wumil," Toulouse explained to Christian, gesturing to the it. Rumil just shot Christian a skeptical smile and returned its glare to Toulouse.
"Now what are we going to do now that Pupitre is out? We don't have enough people to reach the ceiling!" Rumil scoffed and folded its arms. "Nice going."
"We wewe twying to instaww a secuwity camewa in the bathwoom staww so we can wecowd aww the bad wittwe giwls smoking cwack so we can tuwn it in to the pwincipal and get weward money."
"What?" was all that Christian could think of saying.
"CRACK IS WHACK!!" spazzed one of the bodies wearing thick glasses and a bow tie. He clutched an inhaler in one hand and a can of Lysol in another.
"Unfowtunatewy we don't have enough peopwe to weach the ceiwing because Pupitwe is passed out."
"Is he narcoleptic?" Christian asked, looking at the unconscious guy, doing the rabbit chase in his sleep.
"No, he just fawws asweep evewy ten minutes."
"Well, that's too bad…"
"We neeeeed this reward money, Toulouse. I can't get into Marquette without it," whined the remaining body. He wore a Cat-in-the-Hat hat with blue and white stripes.
"They must be offering a lot of money if it's enough to get you into Marquette," Christian offered. He suddenly burst out into laughter, mostly because of the sight of all these crazy people he found.
They only stared back at him.
"Ah, ahem. I can help."
"Yey!" they all cheered.
And so, Pupitre was dragged aside and the five of them crowded into the stall. The guy with the Cat in the Hat hat was the base while the spazzing nerd climbed on top of him, constantly complaining about the unsanitary toilet they were standing on, then went Rumil on top of him, then an extremely uncomfortable Christian on Rumil's shoulders and lastly was Toulouse on top of Christian's shoulders. The five of them were very unstable and every inch of them was wobbling.
"Hurry up, Toulouse…my legs are gonna give out…" wheezed the Cat in the Hat guy.
"Are you saying I'm fat?!" demanded Rumil.
"DON'T TALK!" the nerd yelled. "Your spit is getting on my arms! Ew!" He shook the can of Lysol and sprayed his arm.
Three seconds later, he realized what he did.
"AHHH, IT BURNS!!! AHHHH!!!"
The human ladder shook uncontrollably as the nerd screamed and flailed his arms around.
"Knock it off, Steve! I awmost have it!" Toulouse yelled down to him. Naturally, Steve didn't hear him and continued to scream and freak out.
"Steve! Stop it!" Rumil hissed, slapping him across the face.
That did it.
Steve let out a long gasp and clamped a hand over his cheek.
"NEVER TOUCH ME!!!"
With that, he grabbed Rumil's arm and yanked it down, causing Rumil to fall forward. Christian, of course, was immediately thrown out of balance, because of the empty air underneath him and fell backwards.
Fortunately, he got a good hold of a rather large and stale spitwad on the wall. For a while, he just dangled there, with one hand on the spitwad. He looked up and saw their destination wasn't very far. With Toulouse still on his shoulders, Christian managed to rock climb the wall, using the hardened spitwads as supports.
By this time, Steve had stopped bitch-fighting Rumil and the three of them were staring at Christian in awe.
"Wow, he's like Spiderman!" commented the Cat in the Hat guy.
Christian was close enough to the ceiling for Toulouse to fasten the security camera to the ceiling.
"I weeeeen!" Toulouse announced happily throwing his arms into the air.
"Woooot!" two of his friends responded. Rumil, however, had its arms folded wearing a scornful glare on its face.
"Were you trying to IMPRESS us with that?" it demanded of Christian, who was still propelled on the wall.
"Um…sure."
"Well I never! I'm leaving."
With that, Rumil flipped its hair and strutted out of the bathroom and was never seen again.
"Good riddance, ya heshe," muttered the Cat in the Hat guy.
Christian slowly made his way down the wall the same way he got up and dropped down to the ground.
"Ew! How can you TOUCH those things?!" Steve asked, avoiding Christian as if he were diseased.
"Who cawes, Steve? He saved the day! He gets bonus points!" Toulouse exclaimed.
"Yeeeey!" the Cat in the Hat guy replied.
We're calling him Greg, okay? Okay.
"Bonus points?" Christian asked.
"It's just an expwession. You don't WEAWWY get bonus points. But you can join ouw cwub if you want."
"What club?"
"The Children of the Revolution Club," Greg explained.
"What revolution?" Christian asked after a long pause.
"Do you want us to fowwow the movie or not?" Toulouse prodded.
"Uh, sorry. I'll join your club."
"Spiffy!" they all exclaimed.
By this time, Pupitre had woken up and joined them.
"Did you know my name means 'desk' in Spanish?" he asked Christian.
"I do now…"
"This cawws fow a cewebwation!" declared Toulouse as he whipped out a bong from his pocket.
"Hey…aren't you trying to bust people for crack?" Christian asked upon seeing the bong.
"Cwack and pot awe two diffewent things, my fwiend. …What is youw name anyways?"
"Christian…Timperline," he said slowly, feeling the newness of his name.
"Well, Chwistian Timpewwine, you may have the fiwst puff." He lit the bong and handed it to Christian.
Nervously, he accepted the bong and looked around at all their eager faces.
"Are you sure…?"
"Go on, Chwistian!" Toulouse urged.
"Yeah, yeah!" Greg, Steve and Pupitre joined in.
Christian slowly placed the tube to his lips and inhaled.
At first, he felt nothing, except the smoke swirling around in his head and creeping down his throat. He immediately went into a coughing fit.
"HAHAHAHAHA! He wikes it!" Toulouse screeched in sheer amusement of his friend.
"Woah…" Christian said after his coughing subsided. "That's some good stuff."
They all burst into uproarious laughter.
Twenty minutes later, they were sprawled on the floor, their abdomens aching from too much laughter.
Christian seemed to be enjoying it the most because he was seeing everything as fuzzy and furry. Even the toilets and sinks.
"This is the best day of my life!" Christian announced, slurring slightly.
"Me toooo!" Toulouse screeched from his fetal position on the floor.
All the parents in America read this disapprovingly and thereby made it a law not to have their children reading any more of this stupid mess GollumRox threw together.
Frankly, it gave them gas.
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I don't really like that chapter. Tis a jumbled mess. BUT it does get better…hopefully.
Ewan: It doesn't. Cookie break?
Okay. Don't forget to review! wiiiiide grin!