Sorry I took so long. I forgot to care. Plus I was grounded and swamped with schoolwork… (shifty eyes, shifty eyes)
I'm thinking of changing this because I really don't like where it's going. I didn't mean for it to be this long. I only wanted it to be about five or six chapters but I'm just babbling randomly. So if it gets deleted, that means it's going under construction. Ooo. Or I might just kill some chapters and leave one or two. Anyways, for the time being, I'll just stick with this.
Oh yeah, responses. I'll stick them at the end this time. Try something new and exciting. Yey…
I disclaim to the point of my entrails leaking out of my ears.
…What?
§
"How could you just leave me out there when you promised to meet me? You had me worried sick! No, literally, I was worried to the point of all that creamed corn I ate for lunch coming back up…"
As Carolyn rambled off on a random complaining spree, Christian stared off into the distance and envisioned Satine and himself hand in hand, arms around each other's waists, twirling around and around on an endless sky ballroom where the stars sparkled around th—
"Christian!"
"WHAAAAAAT?!" The vision exploded and shards of bone and cloth were flown over the clouds.
Well, that was graphic.
The voice wasn't Carolyn's though. No. It was SATINE'S!
"Oh, well, that makes up for it," Christian decided as she hurried over to him.
"Meh?" both Carolyn and Satine asked.
"What is it?"
"I just wanted to, um…well, I wanted to…" Satine avoided eye contact as she kicked the dirt with her toe. "Well, there's something I wanted you to, um…you see, I'm not that much of—"
"SPIT IT OUT!!!" yelled the eight teachers that were supposed to be eavesdropping in the portable next to them.
"I really liked your poem thingy," Satine said finally.
"Aw, boo! I thought she was going to confess she was having an affair!" Mr. Harm groaned.
"Will you guys butt out?!" Satine yelled to the portable.
A few shuffles were heard and then silence. Still they migrated over to the other side of the lot.
"Dammit, it sounds like they moved," Mr. Tucker said with his ear to the air vent.
"Is that all you wanted?" Christian asked.
"Well, no. Actually, I was wondering if you'd…if you'd like to…" she trailed off as she noticed the eight teachers scurrying along the outside of the portable and quickly hiding behind a dying tree no thicker than a dry-erase marker.
Christian and Carolyn turned to see them pretending they were invisible, hiding their faces with their hands and pressing themselves flat against the side of the portable as if they were camouflaged.
"Um…well, I uh," Satine found it incredibly hard to say her sentence which was hard enough to say without being distracted by a bunch of snooping teachers. So this way, it was twice as hard. "Duh…"
Carolyn glanced at her watch and gestured to Christian she would be waiting by the building and took off.
"See uh, I was wondering if…if you'd like to write the little, um, school play for me." She opened her lips to show her teeth, which was a sad attempt to smile.
He'll say no she thought.
"No, he won't," she hissed back.
Christian raised his eyebrows.
You know he won't do it. He doesn't want to. He has better things to do.
"Oh yeah? Like what?" Satine demanded, putting her hands on her hips.
A lot of stuff, I'm sure.
"Well, what do you know? Have you spent more than 3 minutes with the guy?"
Christian was tempted to run off and join Carolyn.
I've spent the same amount of time with him as you have.
"So we know the same stuff then! HA! Gotcha! You don't know any more than me! Can't deny that, can you?"
…
"That's what I thought…or that's what YOU thought, I gu—will you guys knock it off!"
A very frightened and confused Christian turned around to see the teachers frozen in mid-spider monkey walk.
"Er…sorry," they each muttered, wandering off in different directions.
"Yeah," Christian said finally, pretending nothing had occurred between now and the time she asked the question.
"Oh you ARE denying it?" Satine asked the air in front of her.
Christian's jaw dropped.
"Oh wait…did YOU say that? Sorry, what did you say?"
"I said yeah, I'll do it. I'll write the play for you."
"You WILL? I mean, you really want to?"
"Sure."
"Ha HA!!! What did I tell you?! WHAT did I TELL you?!" Satine demanded pointing a finger at nothing.
"So um…I'll see you tomorrow?" Christian guessed, starting to walk off.
"Wait, do you need a ride home?" Satine called after him.
Derr. He didn't even think about how he'd get home. He surely missed the bus and he definitely wasn't walking. One reason was because he'd only lived in town for 9 days and would get lost just turning the corner. The other was he and Carolyn were sitting ducks for kidnappers, rapists and mormon missionaries.
He shuddered at the thought.
"Yeah, sure," Christian said. "Just let me get my sister."
He pivoted around and went to Carolyn who had gotten bored and decided to make a hut out of grass.
Satine put on a satisfactory smile.
Well, he is cute she thought.
"Shut up! Quit hitting on him!" she grumbled.
"Oh, bacon bit! It's time to gooooo!" Steve, not Harold, Zidler called out as he approached her.
"Oh, we're taking Christian home, Dad."
"But doesn't he have his own car?" he asked, puzzled.
No, not puzzle. PUZZLED. As in confused!
"Obviously not."
"Oh, these poor underpaid janitors," he sighed, shaking his head sadly. "Can't even afford their own transportation. Oh well! Just be glad YOU'RE not a janitor, honey bunches of oats."
He slung an arm around her neck and walked down the lot with her.
As soon as they were gone, eight heads popped out from behind the portable they were just at.
"He looked a little young to be a janitor," Ms. Boester mused.
"That's because he's NOT a janitor," Mrs. Thomas snapped. "He's a student!"
"Really?" the remaining seven teachers asked in unison.
"Yes! We must find a way to expose him!" Mrs. Thomas schemed. Suddenly her dentures fell out of her mouth for no particular reason. "Dahmet."
"Okay, sounds fun," Mrs. Fearey agreed. "I mean, it's not like we have anything better to do. Half our students don't even do their homework."
"Yah!" they all agreed and scurried back into the portable to form an evil plot.
Except for Mrs. Thomas who was now on her hands and knees searching for her dentures without which she couldn't see and proceeded to slam into various objects.
The car was extremely awkward.
Principal Zidler, whose name was Steve and not Harold, sat in the driver's seat, driving.
"Noooo, surely he wasn't DRIVING!" commented one of GollumRox's sarcastic readers.
"Shut up, Frotu," the author responded, backhanding her.
Anyways, Zidler was driving, Satine sat shotgun while Christian and Carolyn were crammed in the back along with heaps of boxes.
"Sorry about the lack of space back there, guys," he apologized. "I just like to collect boxes. Hope you don't mind."
"Nope," they lied.
Upon her father saying "hope you don't mind", the poem Christian wrote popped into Satine's head and immediately she felt the urge to turn around and gaze at him.
So she did.
"What?" he awkwardly asked after a few minutes of her just randomly staring at him.
"…Hi," she blurted out and turned around.
"Kay…" Christian muttered under his breath right when they passed the sports store.
THE SPORTS STORE!!!
Christian's brain hit the rewind button and he was thrown into a flashback.
"Darn. Now the Bucks rug is scorched. We have to get a new one today so Dad won't notice," Christian sighed.
"Could you stop here really fast?!" Christian half screamed.
This lead to Zidler slamming on the brakes and all the boxes in the back getting thrown up to the front.
"It'll only be a few minutes," Christian called back as he pulled Carolyn out of the car and they both ran down the sidewalk and into the sports store.
"Poor guy," Zidler said. "Can't resist a drink to find solace in his pathetic life."
"What the hell is your problem?!" Carolyn demanded, trying to wrench herself from Christian's grip on her arm.
"We need to get that Bucks/Packers rug before Dad notices we ruined it," Christian explained, pushing open the door and immediately getting evil glares thrown his direction by the drunks and Packer fanatics that had nothing better to do than live in the store.
People just loved to glare at him, huh?
"Well, do you have any money on you?" Carolyn asked in a low voice.
Christian stopped.
Zidler had his copy of Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them open on the steering wheel while Satine sat reclined in her seat with her feet crossed at the ankles propped up on the dashboard. Her eyes were fixed on the ceiling as she thought about Christian.
He was indeed a strange one, but he was such a charmer. Guys like Christian were hard to come by especially in Milwaukee. I mean, when was the last time she met someone who was able to think of such lovely poetry while locked up in a closet filled with dead people in complete darkness all in a matter of a few seconds?
He surely wasn't just any average Joe. No, he was something special and unique.
And those eyes, my God! They were like shimmering pools of a colorless gem, reflecting his in—
GollumRox was slapped by her muse, who was actually quite flattered with her description, and resumed typing in Satine's point of view.
Satine let out a dreamy sigh. She made a mental note to herself to see him more often so she'd get to know him better. She had—
"I'm sorry to ask you this but do you have any money?" Christian asked suddenly appearing in the window.
"GAAAAAH!!!" Satine and Zidler responded.
"Sorry! Sorry, did I startle you?"
"Oh, no you didn't startle us at ALL," Zidler grumbled, letting his bad side get to him. "I meeeeean, how much do you want?"
"You better just give me the whole thing," Christian said, taking the wallet and running off with it.
"Well, that was a stupid thing to do," he realized three seconds later. "I just gave my entire wallet to a janitor who took it and ran."
"He's not a janitor, Daddy," Satine admitted, keeping her eyes on the floor of the car.
"Oh, Satine, it's okay. If you want to see a councilor about it, we can do that, but don't be in denial." He patted her on the shoulder.
Christian slapped the mat on the counter and impatiently started to drum his fingernails on his leg.
"This is all I'll be buying," he hastily told the cashier.
"Is this all you'll be buying?" the cashier asked.
The little bell over the door tinkled as the door to the shop swung open. The paranoid Christian and Carolyn ducked behind the counter until they heard a female voice greeting the bartender.
"Phew. Thought it was Dad," Carolyn sighed.
"Yeah…"
"Kids? Where'd you go?" the cashier called.
Christian leapt up, grabbed the rug and ran off with it while Carolyn fumbled for a $20 bill and placed it on the counter before running after her brother.
The two sprinted out of the store and down the sidewalk towards the car. Christian ripped open the door and held it open for Carolyn as she dove in headfirst before stuffing the rug inside and jumping in.
"Go, go, go!" Christian yelled before he even had a chance to close the door.
Zidler threw the car in drive and floored it, the tires screeching and burning rubber on the pavement as they sped off.
"So what'd you steal?" he asked, glancing in the rearview mirror at them. "A rug? Jeez. You guys have no taste."
"You want this back or not?" Carolyn threatened, holding up the wallet.
Satine reached back and yanked the wallet from her hand.
"What time does Dad get home, Carolyn?" Christian asked, looking at his watch.
"Quarter to four," she said. "Why? What time is it now?"
"It's 3:41. Could you drive a little faster, please?"
"Now, now, I'm going to be a good law-abiding citizen and go the speed limit. You just relax, Mr. Janitor."
"Janitor?" Carolyn asked, cocking an eyebrow. "Oh, right, janitor," she corrected herself picking up on the situation. "Of course you're a janitor, Christian. I completely forgot. Yup, you sure are a janitor. One of the best janitors out th—"
Christian smacked her in the arm with the back of his hand to shut her up.
"Speaking of law-abiding citizens going the speed limit, when are you going to take driver's ed, wildberry Pop-tart?" Zidler asked.
"I was thinking of taking it next session," she replied.
"Hey, so was I," Christian said. "How do you sign up?"
"It's a very long and difficult process involving the DMV an—"
"TURN LEFT!!!" Carolyn and Christian shouted suddenly, causing Zidler to jerk the wheel and send the car swerving into the next street.
"Oh my God! I hit a squirrel! I'm…so…STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STU—"
"Dad," Satine said. "Stop hitting your head on the steering wheel. It was already dead."
"Oh. Well, in that case, I'm GLAD I hit it! In your face, squirrel! BUAH HA HA!"
Satine's face flushed with humil—
"TURN RIGHT!!" they shouted again, this time Zidler narrowly missed a parked car and ran over a beach ball, feeling it explode from underneath the tire.
"My ball! Waaaaah!" responded the kids who had to jump out of the way.
"Sorry, kids!" Zidler shouted out the window.
"Our house is up here on the right," Christian said calmly.
"THAT'S your house?!" Satine asked, being a complete bitch about it as she saw the rundown building looking as if it was crapped out by God and had a rough landing as it fell from the sky.
"Satine, don't be a complete bitch about it," Zidler scolded, slapping her across the face. "It's not their fault they're poor, it's their father's."
Neither Christian nor Carolyn felt offended because they weren't paying any attention. They were only concerned about Billy Bob's car being parked in the driveway.
Then they remembered Billy Bob didn't even HAVE a car.
So basically, there was no possible way they could tell whether he was home or not.
Crap.
"It's 3:45 now so maybe he's running late," Christian reassured his sister.
"Yeah, hopefully," she agreed as they opened their doors and jumped out.
They didn't even notice the car was still moving.
"Ooph! Gow!" they said as they landed on the pavement. Christian had the advantage of cushioning himself with the rug, but it didn't help much.
"Ooo, are you guys all right?" Zidler called back after he stopped the car.
"Fine, fine," Carolyn yelled back as she helped Christian up and they ran to the house. Christian turned to wave thank you and good-bye to them but slammed into the mailbox.
"Ouch," Zidler cringed. "I tell you, these janitors are so uncoordinated sometimes."
Satine didn't answer. She just smiled stupidly and stared after Christian, her eyes filled with adoration. He was such a cutie even if he was a total klutz.
"Well, time to head home," Zidler shrugged and shifted to reverse.
The car drove backwards for about 20 feet until it stopped in front of the big spiffy second-story house with wide windows and lamps and a lovely little garden complete with little garden gnomes and a shrubbery with a little path running through the middle.
"Holy crap, they were living right next to us this entire time?!" Christian demanded himself.
"Come ON!" Carolyn urged, heaving him up. "We have to make sure he's in there first."
They creaked open the door and peeped inside.
"Coast is clear, let's go," Carolyn whispered. They snuck across the floor towards the kitchen. Unfortunately, they had to cross the living room to get to the kitchen and just their luck…
"Ah God! Don't do it!" Billy Bob sobbed from the couch as he watched a movie.
"I am bringing that Barbara bitch down or my name isn't Herman P. Spunklemyer!" Catcher screamed as he slammed his fist down on his desk.
"But, Catcher," his boss, Mr. Peabody said timidly, "your name ISN'T Herman P. Spunklemyer…"
Catcher blinked a few times. "Oh yeah."
"Ahhh God!" Billy Bob blubbered, blowing his nose into a Kleenex.
"Dad?" Carolyn approached her father slowly. "Are you okay?"
"This movie…is so…emotional," he said, his voice with a tremor. "I just—I can't get over how much it…"
"Dad. This is supposed to be a comedy," Carolyn said.
Billy Bob paused, grabbed the DVD box and read it over.
"Oh. Well, in that case, this movie SUCKS!" With that, he turned off the TV and chucked the box across the room. He took a deep breath and calmly folded his hands in his lap. "Soooo, how was school?"
"Fine."
"Did you make lots of new friends?"
"Yeah."
"And do you like your teachers?"
"Yeah."
Christian rolled his eyes and nervously wiped the beads of sweat off his forehead as he hid behind the wall. Hurry UP, Carolyn. Distract him.
"No problems with your locker or anything?"
"No."
"Did you get lost and start crying?"
"No."
"Were there a bunch of sophomore girls standing in the hall and making fun of the way you were dressed?
"No."
"Did you get your lunch money stolen by a big bad bully named Butch?"
"Carolyn…" Christian snarled only loud enough for his sister to hear.
"Dad, what's that on the wall behind you?" she asked pointing.
"Where?" he muttered as he craned his neck around to look.
Carolyn flapped her hand and Christian rushed in.
"There's nothing there, Carolyn," Billy Bob said, turning back around.
"Eep!" Christian squeaked and backpedaled out of the room, barely making it without Billy Bob seeing.
"Really? Well look again," Carolyn told him. As Billy Bob turned, she beckoned Christian to hurry.
He was only a few steps in but jumped back when Billy Bob whirled around to face his daughter. "I don't see anything. Are you smokin' the good stuff, Carrie? That can make you hallucinate."
"No, Dad, I'm pretty sure there's something there. Take another look." This time, she held his head in place with her hands as he searched the wall. She looked at Christian, cocked her head towards the kitchen and mouthed "Go!"
"Let go of my head, Carolyn," Billy Bob complained as Christian hurried across the floor.
He was halfway there when Billy Bob got free of her hold and turned around.
"Hey, Chr—"
"Ahh! You can't see me!" Christian twittered, bolting out of the room.
"Wait, come back! Tell me about your day at school!" Billy Bob called after him. Before he could stand up and go after him, Carolyn sat on his lap.
"So how was work, Dad?" she asked sweetly.
"Oh, I didn't go."
"You didn't go?!"
"Nope."
"Were you fired?"
"Um, NO! I just didn't feel like going, that's all."
"You didn't go into the kitchen anytime today, did you?"
"I think I did a few times, why?"
"You didn't notice anything different about the Kukoc shrine, did you?"
"Well, I thought I did but I think it was just the painkillers getting to my head."
"What did you notice?" she asked nervously.
"I thought the rug looked different, but then again I was seeing purple raccoons in drag doing a conga line in front of me the entire time as well."
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Christian threw the scorched rug aside and replaced it with the newly bought rug in one swift motion. He correctly aligned it so that it was perfectly parallel with the wall and all that good stuff. He stood up and looked down upon it with a sort of nervous satisfaction.
Until he noticed the price tag.
"Crap," he muttered as he looked around the corner to see that Billy Bob and Carolyn were still talking. The scissors were in the end table next to the couch.
Frustrated and in a complete panic, he searched the kitchen for something to cut it off with. He ripped open the silverware drawer and spotted…
"A spooooon!" he announced triumphantly as he grabbed one and proceeded to saw off the price tag.
Surprisingly enough it worked.
He crumpled up the tag and tossed it in the garbage.
Now what to do with the old rug?
"…And the penguin says 'What do I look like, a typewriter?!'"
Billy Bob sat in silence. Finally, he said, "I don't get it."
"You're not supposed to get it, that's what makes it funny!" Carolyn busted out laughing.
Billy Bob sat in silence some more.
"Heh…don't you think it's funny, Dad?"
"I'm hungry," he announced randomly.
"That's nice. Thanks for sharing."
"I want some food." He began to stand up.
"No!" Carolyn screeched, shoving him back down. "Wanna hear another joke? Okay. What did the fish say when he hit the wall?"
"I've heard that one bef—"
"What did the fish SAY, Dad?!"
"He said 'dam'. Now can I please get something to eat?"
"What did the ocean say to the sea?"
"I'm hungry. Newsflash."
"Nothing, it just waved! Hahahaha! Isn't that funny, Dad?"
"I want a cheeeeeese sandwich," Billy Bob stated, rising from the couch. Carolyn jumped into his path.
"No, Da—"
Billy Bob planted his palm on Carolyn's face, shoved her down on the couch and continued to make his way to the kitchen.
"Come back, Dad. Don't go into the KITCHEN," she hinted at Christian.
Christian's head shot up as he replaced the spoon in the proper drawer and he flew over to where the old rug was and grabbed it from the ground. Billy Bob turned the corner and Christian, without thinking, tossed the rug out of the open window.
"Hi, Dad," he greeted, trying to sound casual.
"Hellooooo. How was school?" Billy Bob asked, digging through the refrigerator.
"Oh, uh..."
"Yeah, I've been there." Billy Bob took a big hunk of cheese out of the fridge and kicked it shut. "So did you get YOUR lunch money stolen by a big bad bully named Butch?"
"Uh huh…" Christian answered numbly, watching out the window as the youngest Cowwe boy found the rug and started licking it.
"Yeah, that happened to me when I started my senior year too. I hated that bully. I hope he died a slow and painful death." Billy Bob looked up from his cheese hunk to see his son gawking out the window. "What are you staring at?"
"That's nice…" muttered Christian as he watched the Cowwe boy attempt to tie it around his neck to make a cape.
"Is there a girl out there?" Billy Bob advanced towards the window. Luckily, Christian felt him coming and quickly closed the blinds.
"What?" he asked innocently as he leaned against the blinds.
"Were you staring at a girl outside?"
"No…"
"Well, there's a REALLY hot girl next door to us."
"…That so?" Christian found this simply disgusting. His dad was, what, 43? And Satine was only 17. At least he assumed his dad was talking about Satine.
"She's got the reddest hair I've ever seen. I think it's dyed."
Yup, he was.
"That's great, Dad. Um, I think I met her."
"Really? Is she hotter in person?"
"Dad! You're, like, married…kinda."
"So? Kathy Lee Gifford's husband is 30 years older than her. And how about that Anna Nicole Smith? I mean, damn! That guy was a PRUNE!"
"Dad, I'm talking about…"
Christian sighed and some cheesy tense family scene music decided to start up. The nerds whipped out their pencils and notepads and prepared to take notes.
"Have you forgotten about Mom?" Christian asked.
Billy Bob took a huge bite of his sandwich and shrugged.
"Nah," he decided with shards of bread and cheese falling out of his open mouth.
"Well, how can you think of other women if Mom is still a big part of your life?"
A piano started playing softly, joining the background music.
"Um, cuz she's dead?" Billy Bob said sardonically. "I don't have to worry about being faithful anymore." He ripped his teeth into his sandwich. "Besides, can't I move on after being widowed for 12 years?"
A violin joined the music.
"I thought love was something that lasts forever," Christian stated. "Once you've loved someone, there shouldn't be anybody else."
A boys' choir began to sing some "Aaah"s.
"I mean, think about it! It doesn't seem fair to her if you're out with other women! You make it seem like she doesn't mean anything to you and never did!"
Then some percussion was added as the music got more intense.
"Do you think it's fair for me and Carolyn to stand there and just WATCH you try to replace our mother with girls half your age?!"
A short drum solo.
"Have you EVER thought of US for once, Dad? Ever?! Did you stop for one second to consider OUR feelings about this? Have YOU lost a mother? Have YOU been through the same thing? You don't know what it's like!"
The music reached a climax.
"YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!!!"
And ended.
The Academy Award judges rolled their eyes and crossed Christian Iggins Timperline off their list of Best Actor Nominees for 2004.
"Christian…" Billy Bob said after an awkward silence. "Why are you making such a big deal about this? I just said she was hot."
Christian's chest heaved with his panting. He shrugged.
"Felt like doing a profound monologue."
"Well, good for you!" Billy Bob reached over and ruffled Christian's hair a bit. "Say, you should try out for a part in that school play you're supposed to be writing in secret." He stuffed the rest of his sandwich in his mouth.
"What?" Christian's head shot up to look at his dad. "How did you know about that?"
"Oh…was I not supposed to know about that yet? Whoops. I mean, I don't know anything about a school play. Nothing. I don't even know what I said. So, you wanna go paintballing tonight?"
"Nah, I can't. I gotta write the school play."
"Ooo, a school play, eh? Are you gonna be a playwright?"
"Sure."
"You know, I wrote MY school play back in senior year. It was a complete success."
"Really?"
"No. I just wanted to say that to sound cool. I don't remember what I did senior year but from what I recall, it wasn't much."
"That I do believe."
"Maybe tomorrow night we can go paintballing. Oh, wait, no we can't. We gotta go to that funeral."
"What funeral?"
"Oh, you didn't hear? Our poor neighbor Mrs. Cowwe passed away this morning. Apparently, she was mauled by her dog because she was found with her throat ripped out. Isn't that sad?"
"Not really. I hated her. Whenever Carolyn and I would walk by her house, she would tell her sons to throw beer cans at us and call us Michigan rooster fuckers."
"Well, that's not so bad. At least the cans weren't full."
"They WERE full."
"Oh. Well, she was probably senile. Come on, have a little sympathy. I mean, the woman's dead."
"Do I HAVE to go to the funeral? I really don't want to."
"Why?"
"Because I'll probably snap and burst into vivacious song and dance in celebration during the service. Plus I really did not like her."
"It doesn't matter. It's a nice thing to pay your respects. Besides, funerals are fun! You get to laugh at all the people crying."
"Dad, I remember you at Mom's funeral. It looked like your face was melting."
"Christian, that was 12 years ago," he snapped, trying to shake the memory. "Anywho, you're going to the funeral and you're going to LIKE it."
"Fine…" Christian grumbled.
"Lookit meeeeeee! I'm Superman!" came a child's voice from outside. Curious, Christian and Billy Bob opened the blinds just in time to see the little Cowwe boy leap off the roof of his house with the rug tied around his neck.
He hit the ground with a sickening crack.
Christian clapped a hand over his mouth and turned away.
"Hey, that looks exactly like our rug," noted Billy Bob.
§
Ugh. (Sticks paper bag over head) Responses?
Shirylon: I don't know why but I really liked your comment. I love being sarcastic…I mean, I just HAAAAAATE being sarcaaaaatic. It's absolutely no fun at ALL. I didn't like the Olympics. They killed Conan. Snort. I have problems.
Midnight Proc: "Forky, you're so HOT!" What, what. …I don't know what I'm saying.
Eax: I prefer NOT to talk about my chapter. (Sigh, stew, lament) I tried to watch Case Closed but I don't think I have it here in my craptastic state. Booo. I can't stand watching Nip/Tuck. Surgery makes me squeamish. Yes, go Dr. Christian. Yey!
Spoofy: Corn, corn, corn, corn, corn. Not peas.
Tani: I have already decided to include you in either the Benny and Joon parody or the From Hell parody I'm reconstructing. You shall receive your rewards then. BUAH HAHA! …Ha. ……..You love The Wedding Singer as well? YAAAAAAAY! You're my new best friend! But wait…it's not your favorite anymore? Waaaaahhh! Oh well. Yes, Adam is adorable in that one. Especially his dead animal mullet hair. Blah ha ha! Mmm…no…must…resist…quoting…….film… "You know, it's funny. Some of us will never ever find true love. Like take for instance…me. And I'm pretty sure that guy right there. And that lady with the sideburns. And basically everybody at table nine." "Huh?" "But the worst thing is…that me, fatty, sideburns lady, and the mutants over at table nine…will never ever find a way to better the situation. Because apparently we have absolutely nothing to offer the opposite sex." "Mm hmmm." "You are the worst wedding singer in the world, buddy!" "Sir, one more outburst and I will strangle you with my microphone wire. You understand me? Now let's cut the stupid cake cuz I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. And while we do that here's a little mooood music for ya!" Dammit. Thank you so much for reviewing though. I love getting reviews from famous people. Deehee.
Paige: Adrien's so cool. He almost made me cry in The Village. He was just so heartbreaking. Awww. …No, don't get me started on politics because like the mormons I can go on forever and ever…and ever. I'll just say this: "The other day, John Kerry attacked president Bush by saying that his middle initial stood for 'wrong'. After hearing this, Bush replied, 'My middle initial isn't R.'"
Packers Fan: Please don't bash the president. It's not very nice. "President Bush stated John Kerry was a 'difficult, challenging, and threatening opponent'. That's why he nicknamed Kerry 'math'." "My favorite paper is: Dick Cheney said The New York Times, Rush Limbaugh said The San Francisco Tribune, and President Bush said 'construction'." "Everyone loved my speech, but it wasn't enough for them. They kept chanting 'four more years'. I mean, I know I'm good and everything, but I just can't talk that long." Seriously though, dude, Bush is a perfectly good president…FOR ME TO POOP ON!
Fufulupin: Yey.
Karabara: Why do you think Canada is full of sluts? I am no slut. I am a perfect little Catholic virgin. (Shifty eyes, shifty eyes) And I am no guy. Wow, your perception on everything is rather askew. First you think Kerry is an idiot…then you assume everybody in Canada is a slut, then you think I'm a guy. …I'm sure you were going to say something cool. I always say 'I had something cool to say but I forgot' and end up saying something completely stupid. Maybe we have the same syndrome. It's called the George Bush Syndrome. OWWWWWCCCHHHHHH!!! All right, I'm done with the politics stuff. …"Mr. President, that is NOT written in the Bible!" "Yes it is! It's right here on page…12." NOW I'm done. And I accept your apology. Or DO I? Dun dun dun!
Frotu: Uhm... GRIIIIIIIIIIIM!