I apologize both for the delay and that last chapter. Hopefully you'll forgive me with this.

I own naught but a Sauron bookmark.

While Pam was taking a dump, Steve took advantage of the solitude and decided to sing and dance to a Disturbed song.

"Yeah, bringin' you another disturbing creation from the mind of one sick animal who can't tell the difference and gets stupefied!" He whirled his head around in large circles and kicked his legs around in a random fashion.

He opened his mouth to sing the first verse when the phone rang and totally ruined the moment.

"Dammit. I had a good vibe going," he muttered angrily reaching for the phone. "Fucking telemarketers, I'll damn well show them who the hell they're fucking dealing wi—Hellooooo?" he sang into the phone in his sweet sing-song voice.

"Zidler! It's meeeee!" came the mousy from the other line.

"Who's 'meeeee'?"

"Me, idiot! Dukey Simplot!"

"Oh! Hello, Mr. Simplot! How are you and your donkey today?"

At one of Dukey's fifty-four mansions, Dukey sat upon his purple velvet couch in a red satin robe, lovingly stroking his donkey's back. "She's wonderful. However, I am not."

"Do tell."

"Well, it concerns your daughter. I understand that she is aiming to go to an acting school in Winnebago, correct?"

"Madison."

"Right, right. Anyways, she will require tuition. My suggestion is that, um…well…" Dukey, nervously entwined his fingers in the donkey's mane as he trailed off. "I, um…wanted to…wanted to know if, uh…hehheh…"

"Yes?"

"Well, you see…I was suggesting that Satine could, er…go out with me and…stuff."

He grinned, displaying his crooked, rancid teeth.

The donkey brayed in disgust.

"Go out with Satine?" Steve asked for confirmation. But why?"

"Because…I…want to."

"Well, if it will give her the money for college—"

"It will! I can guarantee that."

Steve thought a bit and shrugged. "Well, besides the fact that Satine is almost an entire 6 inches taller than you, you'd be a really cute couple! I don't see why not, so go on ahead!"

"But there's a catch."

"Oh crap."

"Yes. If Satine doesn't satisfy my lust…" he trailed off to lock eyes with his jealous donkey. "You know I love you," he assured her, covering the phone. "This is business, honey."

"Hello? Dukey? Are you still there?"

"…then I'm going to have to have your school repossessed by my great uncle and have you, your staff and all your students thrown into the streets. Sound spiffy?" Dukey asked, causing his wine glass to crack. The frequency of the sound waves emitted from Dukey's voice saying the word "spiffy" was enough to cause things to break.

Bet you didn't know that, huh?

"Well…I'm not sure if—"

"Of course it sounds spiffy!" A chunk of plaster fell from the ceiling. "Everything sounds spiffy—" A vase tipped over and crashed to the floor. "—when I say it. So are we spiffy—" The grandfather clock fell forward and smashed to pieces. "—with each other?"

"What's all that noise?"

"I SAID are we spiffy—" The chandelier fell behind him. "—with each other? Or will I be forced to take action?" He attempted to snap his fingers but the only sound that came was a soft brush of his two fingers. After trying again, he just decided to ring his little bell.

Dukey's new henchman barged into the room with red eyes, breathing smoke out of his nostrils.

"I hope you heard that," Dukey said into the phone. "That was my new henchman, Omplegork. My parents found him while trekking in the Gobi desert. The zoologist told us he was raised by wild gorillas."

"GURHOOOOOOO!!!!" Omplegork grunted loudly, causing the floor to rumble.

Steve jerked away from the phone. "Yes…impressive, Dukey."

"Oh, that's another thing," Dukey rambled into the phone. "I don't like my name and I want it changed."

"What? You can't!"

"Why not? You got YOUR name changed so why can't I?! This is romanticism and anything can happen!"

"Well, everybody's used to you being called Dukey. If it's changed, they'll be confused, don't you think?"

"No."

Steve sighed. "Well, you're going to have to discus that with the author. It's not my job to change names in the story."

"I don't care! I want my name changed NOW!"

Dukey threw a screaming fit as he whined and kicked various things.

Including Gertrude, his donkey lover.

"EEERRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!" Gertrude screamed in pain as she bucked and ran across the room in a panic. She clumsily collided with Omplegork, sending him smashing through the wall and plummeting seven stories only to impale himself on the pointy spears of the metal fence.

Dukey didn't notice.

"I WANT A NEW NAME!!! I WANT A NEW NAME NOW!!!" he was now screaming to nobody in particular as he continued his tantrum.

The author clasped her hands over her ears and shut her eyes tight.

"Change his name, Forkie!" Ewan yelled over the noise. "Hurry before he kills someone…else!"

"I'm trying!" she yelled back as her brain scanned the evil villains and antagonists database of names.

Finally, she came to the perfect one.

"Now, that's better," sighed Lucifer. "It's a bit satanic but it suits me, don't you think?"

"I think that was the entire point," Steve offered.

"Well, anyways, I'll be coming over to pick up Satine before school in my fancy limousine and I'll be taking her home in my other fancy limousine. Spiffy?"

The lamp bulb exploded and the entire room went dark.

"That can't be possible, Du—er, Lucifer. See, Satine was planning on taking drivers ed next week so sh—"

"Dammit!" cursed Lucifer. "I can't see a damn thing!"

Steve listened as sounds of Lucifer tripping over a rug and falling on his face and the screaming of profanity was heard. "Um…Lucifer?"

"Goddammit!" came his voice when it followed a loud crash and thud.

"Lucifer? Did you hear me?"

A sickening snap was heard followed by a series of thuds.

"Where the hell is the light sw—AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

The sound of Lucifer's body landing on top of Omplegork's was heard from a distance and the line died, supposedly from the phone landing in the moat that surrounded his mansion. Or possibly from one of the mutant alligators that devoured it.

"Lucifer? Hello? Hello?" After hearing no response, Steve shrugged and hung up the phone just as Pam came out of the bathroom.

"Who was it?" she asked.

"Eh, telemarketer."

§§§§§§§

Christian, Carolyn, and Billy Bob sat at their breakfast table silently eating their Oriental flavored Top Ramen. Christian's eyes were a striking red from lack of sleep. He had spent all night either kissing Satine or writing the school play, ultimately getting only three minutes of sleep.

Upon thinking about thinking about Satine…thinking about thinking about…yeah, that's right. So when he thought about thinking about Satine, he thought about Satine and remembered she was taking driver's ed.

Since Michigan law didn't allow people with names of religions to take driver's ed, Christian and his friend Buddhist McBadbat hadn't taken it yet so he decided to jump at the opportunity.

Plus he kinda wanted to be with Satine more.

…Yeah.

Christian looked up at his father who had a spoon in his mouth while he was reading the obituaries.

"Dad?"

"DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE OF VOICE WITH ME, YOUNG MAN!!!" he screamed, slamming his fist down and causing the spoon to shoot across the table and stick into the wall. Billy Bob blinked a few times and cleared his throat. "What?"

"I, uh…do you think it's okay for me to start driver's ed now?"

"You're too young to drive."

"Dad, I'm almost eighteen."

"But in Michigan—"

"That was Michigan, Dad. This is Wisconsin, in case you, ya know, didn't…notice."

Billy Bob dropped the paper and looked around.

"My God…it IS! Holy shit! How'd that happen?!"

The doorbell, which from its horrible wiring system made it sound more like an old lady screaming over a cowbell, rang (or squawked, rather) and Billy Bob groaned.

"Stupid solicitors. We hate you all. Christian go give 'em the tea kettle," he said, shoving a purple tea kettle over to his son. (Purple tea kettle inside joke that only The Spastic Forkie and two other people will understand)

Reluctantly, Christian took the purple tea kettle and went to the door. Upon opening it, he stopped and stared at the couple standing there.

"We're heeeere!" announced Kip, throwing up his arms.

"Pistons suck!" seconded Jana doing the same.

"Bet you weren't expecting us, huh?" asked Kip, nudging Christian.

"No, not really."

"Hey, what happened to you?" Jana asked, observing Christian's distorted and sleep stricken face. "Looks like you had a run in with the rubber cement."

"I didn't sleep last night."

"Don't worry. After Superbowl XXXII, I couldn't sleep for two weeks. And I think I cried more that night that I'd urinated that entire week," Kip sighed as he stared forlornly into the distance for a bit. "But I'm fine now! So where's Billy Bob?"

"In there."

"Is that tea kettle for us?" asked Jana.

"Well…if you want it…"

"Why is it purple?" Kip asked.

"Cuz…it…well, I don't know. The author thought it would be amusing."

"Yeah, the author also thought it would be amusing if she made us your aunt and uncle by crossing over her Adventures of Jack the Ripper story with her Moulin Rouge High School AU parody. Isn't that great?"

"No because I have no idea what you just said."

Well, anyways, so Kip and Jana Timperline invited themselves in leaving Christian alone by the open door holding the purple tea kettle. Nobody except GollumRox and two other people knew why it was purple.

In the kitchen, Billy Bob greeted his brother who looked nothing like him and his sister-in-law who looked nothing like him.

"How are you liking Wisconsin so far?" Jana asked sitting next to Carolyn. She then paused and looked at her breakfast. "Is that Ramen? I LOVE Ramen!!!" She grabbed Carolyn's bowl and slurped down a bunch of noodles.

"It's okay. Kinda dirty. Kinda loud," Billy Bob responded.

"A lot better than Meesheegun, right?" Kip droned.

"Yah," Billy Bob said through his snort as he dug his face in his noodles.

Jana stopped snorting up the Ramen once she realized how unattractive it was after seeing Billy Bob do it.

"So why are you guys here?" Carolyn asked her aunt after she pulled her face out of the bowl.

"Well, we just thought we'd stop by and amuse the author for a bit. We ALSO came to tell you, in case you weren't already aware which you probably aren't, that the Piss-stains are in town for the first playoff game and we wanted to take you two," Jana explained.

Christian perked up at the offer. Perchance this was a good opportunity to hang out with Satine some more. Of course, basketball might not be her thing but it counted for something, right?

Carolyn just blinked and said, "Got nothing better to do tonight."

"Can I invite a friend?" Christian asked, slobbering from the mouth for reasons he couldn't quite fathom.

"Are you shitting me? Do you even KNOW how much these four tickets cost us?" Kip demanded, whipping them out.

"Did you have to pawn your wedding rings again?" Billy Bob droned behind the newspaper he was pretending to read.

"Actually we won THESE four in an online poker game," Kip admitted, pulling out four tickets with his other hand. "But I had to sell the Taurus to get these babies. And it better be well worth it."

"You mean the car you bought off Conan O'Brien?" Carolyn asked.

§§§ Moronic Flashback §§§

While at the American Whiffleball Making Convention of America (AWMCA) in New York City, Kip was stopped by a rather large, freckly and scary-looking man with a giant red pompadour.

"Excuse me, sir? How much would you give me for that car over there?" he asked pointing to a small green sports car that was currently collecting flies on the other side of the street.

"800," Kip flatly said and turned to leave.

"Like seriously?"

§§§ End of Moronic Flashback §§§

"Yeah, but it I really won't miss it that much. I don't think you'd miss something that you need to jump start every morning and reeks of corn beef and cabbage," Kip shrugged.

Christian shot him a quizzical look. "Corn beef and cabbage?"

§§§ Another Moronic Flashback §§§

On St. Patrick's Day of 1995, the same large, freckly but less scary-looking man with a giant red pompadour was found in the drivers seat of the Ford Taurus stuffing wads of fatty corn beef in his mouth and slurping up slimy cabbage rather prodigiously.

"Conan, have you seen the corn beef and cabbage?" came his mother's voice from one of the windows of the house.

"NO!" he yelled back, spraying bits of lard on the windshield. "GOD! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

§§§ End of Another Moronic Flashback §§§

"Well, Kip, you're a damn fool to be squandering money like that. I mean what if the Bucks end up losing? That'll just suck for you, won't it? And then you'll wish you never sold that piece of shit car," Billy Bob said.

"Traded," Jana corrected sternly. "And it's not about whether you win or lose, it's how much fun you have watching it."

"Not for the playoffs," Kip muttered to her.

Christian decided to ease the tension that had seemed to build up between his aunt and father (they were never too fond of each other to begin with and with her hormones being so out of whack as they were ((oh yeah, I forgot to mention, she's preggers (((pregnant))) but they don't want to know the gender because…just because)) the situation wasn't looking to improve much) by bringing back his original question.

"So is there ANY chance at all I could take a friend with me?" he asked desperately.

"You sound desperate," Kip observed. "Go ahead and invite him and we'll figure something out."

Christian's heart grinned.

"You're not taking my car," Billy Bob muttered, still pretending to read the newspaper. And it was completely obvious he was pretending due to the fact that the paper was upside down. "I was just checking my answers on the cross word puzzle…" Billy Bob eased as he casually turned the paper back around.

"No need," Kip said. "I got the car back this morning. How do you think we got here?"

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"You got it BACK?" Carolyn spat out in confusion. "How?"

§§§ Yet Another Moronic Flashback §§§

As Will Arnett drove up to Fox Studios in his newly bought Ford Taurus which strangely reeked of corn beef and cabbage, a security guard emerged from the booth and stopped him.

"I'm sorry, sir. Your ID's revoked," the guard told him.

"What?!" Will demanded.

But before he got a chance to figure it out, Jason Bateman, unable to contain his anger, leapt out from behind a cardboard bush he craftily placed as a good hiding place, pointed at his castmate and yelled, "I'm 'super psyched' about Justine playing my love interest?! I thought we were friends! We go ice skating together!"

"We saw the Conan show. You're done," the guard told Will. "You might as well give his car back to him."

"What are you talking about? This isn't his car! I got this off some guy in Wisconsin!" he objected right before Jason lunged at his throat and proceeded to beat the living crap out of him.

§§§ End of Yet Another Moronic Flashback §§§

"I'm not sure exactly how," Kip said quietly after a beat to ponder it. "But there's some blood and froth stains on the seats so maybe the owner was killed by a rabid dog while parked in a bad neighborhood. Anyways, it's not important. We'll swing by to pick you kids up at six."

In a blur of confusion, Christian and his sister excused themselves from the table and headed to the bus stop.

Meanwhile every single reader hissed and groaned at this terrible random story and wished they never had gotten hooked on it.

Fufulupin: I have just decided that I love you.

BabyGurl92: Hey, weren't you the same girl who flamed my Notebook parody and called me a "skanky lil bitch"? I believe so! And now here you are praising my Moulin Rouge high school AU parody! Gee willikers! See how it alllll cooooomes arooooound? "Neer-neer…neeeeer-neer!" Improv skills. Cuckoo. Alalalala. …Wow, I'm done.

Oh and if any of you need me to explain those references, I'll be more than happy to. Or maybe I'll just be happy. I wouldn't go so far as to saying more than happy because being happy is enough, right? Blah. Review, you lot!