From the fireman's mouth

Curtains open.

Were in one of those parks these guys always go to when ever their not doing ranger... stuff. Along come the wild force rangers.

Spawn guy (playing the narrator naturally): We join our young wild force friends on a stroll through the park, to a picnic of all things. How a horny high school kid, a testosterone infested she commando, two mental patients on the run and a (lets be frank) idiot Tarzan can actually go to a picnic and act like normal people is beyond me. I don't know about the villains but they scare the hell out of me.

Oh and let's see here... (Mumbles and fidgets trying to find the right line in the script)..."Hey a movie"...no... "Dragon ball..." ...no ... "Does whatever"...no... AHA! HA HA HA AHA AHA HA! Found ya... (Coughs)...and young Cole follows his band of merry morons in a rather dejected way.

Danny: What's wrong lad?

Cole: What did you just call me?

Danny (Ignoring him): You'll be marrying the princess soon...I think... or is that Merik? I forget these things ...

Cole: Well I may be marrying her, over Merik's dead body mayherestinpeice, but mother...

Danny: Father Lad. Father.

Cole: You're not my mother or my father. But I don't want to marry her.

Danny: Don't want to marry her! Why not? She's Beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge tracks of land. She's got huge...tracks of land.

Cole: I know but I'd rather...

Danny: Rather what?

Cole: I'd rather just... (Opera music starts) ...sing...

Merik (appears in a puff of smoke ala Night crawler): Oh no you don't! You're not going into a song while I'm here!

Cole: HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!

Merik: It's a talent. (Does it again)

Max: Teenage mutant ninja turtles

Teenage mutant ninja turtles

Splinter taught them to be ninja teens...

Danny: Shut your noise you!

Cole: Wait a god damn minute this isn't about him! This is about ME ME ME!!!!

Max: Leonardo leads

Donatello does machines

(That's a fact jack)

Raphael is cool but crude

(Gimme a break)

Michelangelo is a party dude...

Merik appears once again, grabs Max, and disappears hopefully having dumped mental patient #1 at the bottom of the ocean.

Spawn guy: And as the rest of the child force continue on there way, young Cole's heart sinks. And yours would too. Bad enough to have your name associated with this bunch of moronic, idiotic kiddie show, spandex wearing retards... but to have your problems ignored when you have abandonment issues like Cole and an ego to match? The horror! The horror! And suddenly to deliver the final crushing blow...

Max (covered in water, snow, grass, sea weed, and something that certainly ISNT chocolate): Duuuuuuude. (Sways) Almost fainted there but I didn't. Hey fine china!

Max waddles off like the idiot he is. There are crashes and screams.

Max (out of shot): Oops.

Spawn guy: My god the horror!

Taylor (out of shot): KILL! KILL! KILL WITH NASTY SHARP BIRDE BEAKS!

Melissa (also out of shot): Aaaagh! Like oh no, like my finest china (starts crying)

Merik (guess where he is): THE SUGAR! THE SUGAR! THE SUGARS IN MY PANTS!

Danny (oh come on, think about it): Save the wails!

Cole: PLEASE GOD SHOOT ME NOW!

Spawn guy: And as Cole (no longer referred to as young) pleads to the open sky, it seems mercy is not fourth coming. But wait...what's that? Is it the All Mighty's answer? Is it a helpful meteor? Is it a merciful rocket? Is it a...screaming man on a flaming jet pack?! Oh...'Scuse me... (Dives for cover)

Cole: Oh. (Side steps)

Screaming like a new born, swatting pathetically at his jet pack (did I mention it was on fire?) and crashing into the ground, helpfully missing and creating a small crater near Cole, comes...Carter.

Carter (bounces out of the crater): OK! OK! DON'T PANICK! HELLO? WHERE AM I? AM I WHERE I WANT TO BE? (Realises he's still on fire)EH? HOLY CRAP! WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO? IT'S OK! JUST REMEMBER WHAT THEY TOLD YOU IN FIREMAN SCHOOL! (Does the stop drop role gig...totality wrong) PUSH PULL RUN JUMP! PUSH PULL RUN JUMP!

Cole: Its stop drop roll. Stop .Drop .Roll. I spent most of my life in the jungle and even I know that.

Eventually...

Carter (yes the fire is out now, much as I'd like to I can't kill him. Yet): Ahhhh...Why oh why did I have to ride that thing? Why can't I ride one of those light speed jeeps? It's a hell of a lot saner. (Laughs like Peter from Family guy, God I love that show!) Saner.

Cole: Who are you?

Carter (holds out hand): Grayson. Carter Grayson.

Cole: Uhhhhhhh-huh.

Carter: And you must be Cole Collins, wild force red ranger.

Cole: Damn those fan sites are getting nosier!

Carter: Maybe I should explain this again...

Cole: You didn't explain anything yet.

Carter: I didn't? Oh well...I'm the light speed red ranger...and I come to offer you a world of ...

Spot light on carter. He takes centre stage. The top hat and cane from Willy Wonker and the chocolate factory get thrown at him from somewhere off stage. Strange thing is he doesn't pick them up. Armature)

Carter: Fantasy! (First few notes of star spangled banner play in back ground)

Carter: Magic! (Music repeats, fainter, 2nd verse)

Carter: Adventure! (1st/2nd verses repeated, faint, 3rd verse)

Carter: And surprise! (Full song plays, they both place hands on hearts patriotically)

Cole: Surprise? (Music grinds to a halt) Oh my god! Get away from me you freak!

Carter (picking up the top hat):??

Cole: Molester! Child molester!

Carter: WHAT? I'm not a...I came all the way from the east coast (I can't remember where light speed rescue IS) to find you! I'm drafting you for a mission into outer space! With other red rangers!

Cole: Oh thank God! I don't know...

Carter: Well if I can't apell to your sense of patriotism, how about I apell to your sense of...song and dance?

Dramatic music (Duh, Duh, DUH for the slow of wit)

Cole (gasps): But...how did...

Carter: You really think you're the only one? The only red ranger with a passion for the rhythm of the beat? The heart of the movement? We red rangers are a special breed. Not only do we kick ass real good...we sing real good to. Like so...

Music to A lot to see starts

Carter: The 60's brought the hippy breed.

And decade's later things have changed indeed.

We lost the values but kept the weed

You've got a lot to see!

Carter picks up the top hat andcain (Oh sure! Now!) and twirls the cain, eventually pointing at an election poster of president Regman .

Carter: The Regman years have laid the frame

For movie stars to play the white house game.

(Flips poster over to a picture of Feldman and Haim)

We're not that far from voting Feldman and Haim

You've got a lot to see!

Melissa and Taylor join Carter at centre stage and start lap dancing. Spawn guy covers his eyes in horror, you would too.

Carter: The town of Vegas has a different face

Cause it's a family place with lots to do.

Where in the 50s, a man could mingle with scores of the seediest whores...

Cole: So?

Carter: Well now his children can too.

Cole gapes and puts his hands on top of his head like the French guy in Monty python. Melissa and Taylor stop lap dancing, glory be to God. Max and Danny come on stage with banjos.

Carter: You heard it from the fireman's mouth.

The world has changed that is except the south.

And you'll agree... (Banjo music from Danny and Max)

Carter slips deck of cards out of his sleeve and begins to turn them over

...No one really knows my young wild force friend

Just quite how it all will end...

The cards are: Rita, Zedd, Astromana and G.W Bush

...So hurry cause you've got a lot to see!

Danny: There's lots of stuff you may have missed.

Melissa: Like Peewee and his famous writs.

Carter: Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phoney eye.

Max: That awesome ninja turtles cartoon.

Taylor: Neil Armstrong landing on the moon.

Cole: Neil Armstrong, wasn't he the trumpet guy?

The alien and space rangers go by playing trumpets, not an easy feat for people with helmets on.

Carter: So let's go see the US of A.

They'll treat you right unless your black or

Gay or Cherokee. (Shots of Max, Danny and Melissa getting arrested)

But you can forgive the world and its flaws

And follow me there because

You've still got a hell of a lot to see!

Lights come back on, the rest of wild force leave, and Carter throws the props away.

Carter: Well?

Cole: Well... it would be nice to meet other rangers...to have the freedom to do big song and dance numbers...

Carter: The biggest song and dance numbers!

Cole: ...but there are a lot of people waiting for me here.

More screams and crashing out of shot, plus the sound of someone being strangled.

Taylor: MAX YOU IDIOT! DIE! DIE! DIE!

Merik runs passed them screaming.

Merik: OW! OW! OW! NOW THERES SOME JELLY IN THERE TOO! OW!

Cole (grabs Carter by the shirt): Take me now!

Curtain closes.

Spawn guy: OK. THAT came out wrong. Next up: rangering right along. Cole and his new friend set out to meet others but can they get past the black ticket server and brave the perils of public transport?

Carter (behind curtain): Public? We were promised limos!

Spawn guy: Shut up! Be here next time and don't expect this to be the last! Were all gonna be here for a loooooong time, like some godforsaken skin rash!