Abby rolled over and opened her eyes. For a moment she was confused. She felt like hell, and this wasn't her bed, or John's bed. For a fleeting instant she thought she might be hung-over ... had she gone home with someone else? No, even in her worst days with the bottle, she'd never done that.
She was in the hospital. It was ironic, she thought. She'd been working in hospitals for years, but this was the first time she'd ever been a patient in one. She'd been treated in the ER, but never admitted as an inpatient before. If she had to be a patient, this wouldn't have been her first choice of diagnoses. A nice clean MVA, or maybe a case of pneumonia, but not this.
"Good morning, Miss Lockhart." The day-shift nurse bustled into the room cheerfully. No, not Betsy. Of all the nurses she had to end up with, why Betsy Mills? She knew Betsy from her OB days. She should have stayed in the newborn nursery, the babies didn't mind her unbearable chirpiness. Betsy, evidently, didn't recognize her, maybe because she was out of context. She continued to chatter away brightly, asking questions and not waiting for Abby to answer them; taking her vital signs, commisserating with her about her 'dreadful experience,' and generally being a pain in the ass.
It was a relief when Betsy finally left. Abby got slowly out of bed. She was stiff and sore but, all things considered, she thought, not too bad. Some might even say that she was lucky. She was alive, not badly injured. She would get over this. Women survived worse every day. She was luckier, certainly, than Luka. So why didn't she feel lucky?
"You shouldn't be up." Abby turned to see Susan standing in the doorway.
"I'm fine, Susan."
"Still, a nurse should be here for your first time out of bed."
"I am a nurse. And I had a nurse. Trust me, I'm better off without her."
"You had a good night?" Susan picked up her chart and looked at it.
"I slept." Did Susan expect more than that? "Is that offer of a place to stay still open?"
"Absolutely. I wouldn't have offered if I hadn't meant it."
"I'm just not ready to go home ... I mean, I'm dying to get out of here, but I don't want to go back there." Abby shook her head.
"I understand. You can stay with me as long as you need to." Susan looked at her watch. "Look, I just got off. You aren't going to be discharged for a few hours yet. I'll go home, catch a few hours sleep, then come back around noon to get you. Is that ok?"
"Yeah. And could you bring me something to wear?" Abby laughed a little. "I don't even have any clothes."
"Sure. I can loan you something to wear home. Maybe we can stop by your place on the way home and pick up a few more things." Abby shut her eyes and Susan said gently, "If you don't want to go inside, I can get them for you. I mean, I'm happy to lend you clothes, but we're not the same size."
"Yeah, that's fine."
"I'll see you in a few hours then," Susan said, and went out, shutting the door behind her.
Abby got back into bed and turned on the tv, and a moment later there was another knock on the door. "God ... what is this, Grand Central Station?" Abby muttered. Then more loudly, "Come in."
It was Carter. He stood in the doorway for a moment. "It's ok if I come in?"
"Yeah."
Carter came in. He started to sit on the bed beside her, then seemed to change his mind and took the chair.
"How are you feeling?"
"I'll live, or so I'm told."
Carter looked at his hands, rubbed his thumb along a crease in his pant leg. "Abby ... I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be saying here. I want to help, but I don't know how. I don't know what you want from me right now."
"I don't want anything from you. This isn't about you. I just need a little time." She didn't look at him. She couldn't. And he didn't look at her either.
"If you need some place to stay for a while ..."
"I'm staying with Susan," Abby said quickly.
"We've got about 50 guest rooms, Abby."
"I'd rather stay with Susan. Have you been to see Luka yet?"
"Not yet. I was going to stop by after I saw you."
"Well ... maybe you should go then. You don't want to keep him waiting."
"Abby ... if I could change what happened ..."
"Well, you can't. I'm not blaming you, Carter. I'm just ... hurting right now. And I need to hurt by myself."
"You shouldn't have to hurt by yourself."
"I know that you're a doctor, and you're used to being able to fix people's pain, but there are some types of pain that even you can't fix." Not, she thought, with your medical skills, and certainly not with your fifty fucking guest rooms. "Now, I think you should go."
"Are you being discharged today?"
"Yeah. I think so."
"Can I call you at Susan's?"
"I'll probably be back at work in a few days. You'll see me at work."
Carter rose, stood for a moment, then abruptly sat on the bed. "Abby, please. Don't shut me out."
Abby finally looked at him. And the pain in his face broke through her own pain, just a little. "I don't mean to. I don't want to." She shook her head helplessly.
Carter seemed to take that as an invitation. He slid closer to her and put his arms around her. An embrace that felt so much like a violation that it was all Abby could do to not scream -- the scream she hadn't been able to give vent to last night. But she endured it, trembling a little, until Carter seemed to finally realize that she wasn't hugging him back. He released her and, after a moment, stood up again. He didn't say anything more, and neither did she. There was nothing more to say. He left the room.
If he could have said, "I love you, Abby," maybe it would have helped."I love you, and we'll get through this together." But he wasn't going to say it, because he didn't. They both knew he didn't. He cared for her. He was fond of her. He hurt for her. But he didn't love her. And without love, they wouldn't get through it together. She would get through it, but not with him. And after she'd gotten through it ... they'd have to see where they stood.
She had lied to him. She did blame him. She knew it wasn't really his fault, but if he had walked her home ....
Abby lay back on the pillow, she felt tears stinging at her eyes and wiped them away impatiently. She had cried enough. And if Betsy came in when she was crying ... God ... if she thought last night had been hell, the thought of Betsy deciding to comfort her would be the ninth circle.
-----
She was just finishing breakfast when there was another knock on the door. How did patients get any rest around here? Half the ER staff had already been up to see her, for visits that had been, thankfully, brief and cheerful. They were all people she was comfortable with. The police had also stopped by. This visit had been far less comfortable, but it had also been brief. With Brian dead, there wasn't a lot of information about the case that needed to be given. It wasn't as if there was going to be a trial.
"Come in." The door opened and Ralene came in.
"Oh Abby ... I was so ... I don't know what to say ..."
"I'm ok, Ralene. It was awful, but I'm ok now."
"I just feel like I should have heard something ... done something."
"He was pretty quiet. You wouldn't have heard anything."
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
"No, everything's fine now," Abby said, then she realized that there was something. "Actually, you can do me a favor."
"Sure. Anything."
"I need some clothes. I just had my robe when I came in last night, and I'm being discharged today. Could you bring me some clothes? You still have my key, right?"
"Yeah. Anything special you want?"
"Lots of clothes. There's a big suitcase in the bedroom closet. Just fill it up. Slacks, shirts, underwear, nighties. Some nursing scrubs. My toothbrush and stuff from the bathroom. My jacket. And my purse."
"How long are you going to be here?" Ralene asked, puzzled.
"Here, just this morning. But I ... I'm not sure when I'll be back to the apartment."
"They said ... on the late news last night ... he's dead. Right?"
"Yeah. I'm not worried about him coming back. I'm just ... I'll be staying with friends for a while." Abby didn't feel like trying to explain.
"Ok. When do you need it?"
"I'll probably be leaving around noon, so if you can bring it this morning, that would be great."
"Sure, no problem."
"Thanks, Ralene. This will be a big help." A huge help. She wouldn't have to go back there for a very long time. Maybe not ever.
She was in the hospital. It was ironic, she thought. She'd been working in hospitals for years, but this was the first time she'd ever been a patient in one. She'd been treated in the ER, but never admitted as an inpatient before. If she had to be a patient, this wouldn't have been her first choice of diagnoses. A nice clean MVA, or maybe a case of pneumonia, but not this.
"Good morning, Miss Lockhart." The day-shift nurse bustled into the room cheerfully. No, not Betsy. Of all the nurses she had to end up with, why Betsy Mills? She knew Betsy from her OB days. She should have stayed in the newborn nursery, the babies didn't mind her unbearable chirpiness. Betsy, evidently, didn't recognize her, maybe because she was out of context. She continued to chatter away brightly, asking questions and not waiting for Abby to answer them; taking her vital signs, commisserating with her about her 'dreadful experience,' and generally being a pain in the ass.
It was a relief when Betsy finally left. Abby got slowly out of bed. She was stiff and sore but, all things considered, she thought, not too bad. Some might even say that she was lucky. She was alive, not badly injured. She would get over this. Women survived worse every day. She was luckier, certainly, than Luka. So why didn't she feel lucky?
"You shouldn't be up." Abby turned to see Susan standing in the doorway.
"I'm fine, Susan."
"Still, a nurse should be here for your first time out of bed."
"I am a nurse. And I had a nurse. Trust me, I'm better off without her."
"You had a good night?" Susan picked up her chart and looked at it.
"I slept." Did Susan expect more than that? "Is that offer of a place to stay still open?"
"Absolutely. I wouldn't have offered if I hadn't meant it."
"I'm just not ready to go home ... I mean, I'm dying to get out of here, but I don't want to go back there." Abby shook her head.
"I understand. You can stay with me as long as you need to." Susan looked at her watch. "Look, I just got off. You aren't going to be discharged for a few hours yet. I'll go home, catch a few hours sleep, then come back around noon to get you. Is that ok?"
"Yeah. And could you bring me something to wear?" Abby laughed a little. "I don't even have any clothes."
"Sure. I can loan you something to wear home. Maybe we can stop by your place on the way home and pick up a few more things." Abby shut her eyes and Susan said gently, "If you don't want to go inside, I can get them for you. I mean, I'm happy to lend you clothes, but we're not the same size."
"Yeah, that's fine."
"I'll see you in a few hours then," Susan said, and went out, shutting the door behind her.
Abby got back into bed and turned on the tv, and a moment later there was another knock on the door. "God ... what is this, Grand Central Station?" Abby muttered. Then more loudly, "Come in."
It was Carter. He stood in the doorway for a moment. "It's ok if I come in?"
"Yeah."
Carter came in. He started to sit on the bed beside her, then seemed to change his mind and took the chair.
"How are you feeling?"
"I'll live, or so I'm told."
Carter looked at his hands, rubbed his thumb along a crease in his pant leg. "Abby ... I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be saying here. I want to help, but I don't know how. I don't know what you want from me right now."
"I don't want anything from you. This isn't about you. I just need a little time." She didn't look at him. She couldn't. And he didn't look at her either.
"If you need some place to stay for a while ..."
"I'm staying with Susan," Abby said quickly.
"We've got about 50 guest rooms, Abby."
"I'd rather stay with Susan. Have you been to see Luka yet?"
"Not yet. I was going to stop by after I saw you."
"Well ... maybe you should go then. You don't want to keep him waiting."
"Abby ... if I could change what happened ..."
"Well, you can't. I'm not blaming you, Carter. I'm just ... hurting right now. And I need to hurt by myself."
"You shouldn't have to hurt by yourself."
"I know that you're a doctor, and you're used to being able to fix people's pain, but there are some types of pain that even you can't fix." Not, she thought, with your medical skills, and certainly not with your fifty fucking guest rooms. "Now, I think you should go."
"Are you being discharged today?"
"Yeah. I think so."
"Can I call you at Susan's?"
"I'll probably be back at work in a few days. You'll see me at work."
Carter rose, stood for a moment, then abruptly sat on the bed. "Abby, please. Don't shut me out."
Abby finally looked at him. And the pain in his face broke through her own pain, just a little. "I don't mean to. I don't want to." She shook her head helplessly.
Carter seemed to take that as an invitation. He slid closer to her and put his arms around her. An embrace that felt so much like a violation that it was all Abby could do to not scream -- the scream she hadn't been able to give vent to last night. But she endured it, trembling a little, until Carter seemed to finally realize that she wasn't hugging him back. He released her and, after a moment, stood up again. He didn't say anything more, and neither did she. There was nothing more to say. He left the room.
If he could have said, "I love you, Abby," maybe it would have helped."I love you, and we'll get through this together." But he wasn't going to say it, because he didn't. They both knew he didn't. He cared for her. He was fond of her. He hurt for her. But he didn't love her. And without love, they wouldn't get through it together. She would get through it, but not with him. And after she'd gotten through it ... they'd have to see where they stood.
She had lied to him. She did blame him. She knew it wasn't really his fault, but if he had walked her home ....
Abby lay back on the pillow, she felt tears stinging at her eyes and wiped them away impatiently. She had cried enough. And if Betsy came in when she was crying ... God ... if she thought last night had been hell, the thought of Betsy deciding to comfort her would be the ninth circle.
-----
She was just finishing breakfast when there was another knock on the door. How did patients get any rest around here? Half the ER staff had already been up to see her, for visits that had been, thankfully, brief and cheerful. They were all people she was comfortable with. The police had also stopped by. This visit had been far less comfortable, but it had also been brief. With Brian dead, there wasn't a lot of information about the case that needed to be given. It wasn't as if there was going to be a trial.
"Come in." The door opened and Ralene came in.
"Oh Abby ... I was so ... I don't know what to say ..."
"I'm ok, Ralene. It was awful, but I'm ok now."
"I just feel like I should have heard something ... done something."
"He was pretty quiet. You wouldn't have heard anything."
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
"No, everything's fine now," Abby said, then she realized that there was something. "Actually, you can do me a favor."
"Sure. Anything."
"I need some clothes. I just had my robe when I came in last night, and I'm being discharged today. Could you bring me some clothes? You still have my key, right?"
"Yeah. Anything special you want?"
"Lots of clothes. There's a big suitcase in the bedroom closet. Just fill it up. Slacks, shirts, underwear, nighties. Some nursing scrubs. My toothbrush and stuff from the bathroom. My jacket. And my purse."
"How long are you going to be here?" Ralene asked, puzzled.
"Here, just this morning. But I ... I'm not sure when I'll be back to the apartment."
"They said ... on the late news last night ... he's dead. Right?"
"Yeah. I'm not worried about him coming back. I'm just ... I'll be staying with friends for a while." Abby didn't feel like trying to explain.
"Ok. When do you need it?"
"I'll probably be leaving around noon, so if you can bring it this morning, that would be great."
"Sure, no problem."
"Thanks, Ralene. This will be a big help." A huge help. She wouldn't have to go back there for a very long time. Maybe not ever.