Luka watched the door close behind Carter, then returned his attention to Abby. She was looking out the window.
"Should I ask?" Luka asked quietly.
"No, you shouldn't." Also very quiet.
"Maybe you shouldn't be spending so much time here," Luka began.
"What do you mean?" Abby sounded hurt.
"I enjoy your company, but if it's making Carter jealous, or causing problems ..."
"He isn't jealous."
"I don't want to come between you." Luka meant it. He wanted Abby, desperately, but not at Carter's expense.
"You're not," Abby finally explained. "Things are ... complicated right now, but it has nothing to do with you."
"He's not being supportive? I know it can be hard ... when people we care about are hurt. It's sometimes hard to know what to say."
"I really don't want to talk about Carter right now. I don't want to talk about this at all." Abby sounded annoyed for the first time all week.
"Ok. I'm sorry." There was silence for a moment. Luka pushed his barely touched dinner tray towards her. "Do you want some of this?"
"Trying to poison me?"
"No. It tastes ok. I'm just not very hungry. But the nurse will be pissed if she comes back and finds I haven't eaten. So you can help me fool her, ok?"
"I'll do anything to fool the nurses," Abby said. She sat on the bed beside him and picked up the fork. After a bite she made a face. "Almost anything," she corrected herself. "God ... how do you eat this?"
"I don't." They smiled at each other. It was so easy to smile when Abby was around. "How was work?"
"Same old stuff. Pretty quiet today, no big traumas or anything. I'm off tomorrow." A sigh. "I need to spend the day looking for an apartment, I think. I can't mooch off Susan much longer."
"You can't go home yet?" Luka was puzzled.
"I can't go home. I can't go back there."
"He's not going to bother you any more," Luka reminded her gently.
"I know. And I know it's stupid and illogical ... but I don't want to live there anymore."
"Ok." There was really nothing more to say to that.
"I'll still find the time to visit you tomorrow, so you don't have to worry about that."
"I'm not. But if you're worried about imposing on Susan, couldn't you stay with Carter? He's got plenty of..."
"No!. I cannot stay with Carter. Not right now. I just need a new place, that's all." The irritation again.
Luka nodded. It was never easy talking about Carter with Abby, or about Abby with Carter, but this reaction surprised him. Something was going on, but if she didn't want to talk about it, he wasn't going to push her.
"I ummm... I think it will be ok for me when I go home. I wasn't in the apartment, you know. It happened outside ... in the hall. I guess it would be different if you were inside."
"Yeah. I was. We were."
"It was funny. I wasn't really scared. I don't remember being scared. It happened so fast. I just stepped out into the hall ... and then I was sitting on the floor, bleeding. I remember being confused ... I didn't recognize him, so I couldn't figure out why he had done this. I mean ... even in Chicago strangers don't usually walk up to you and shoot you for no reason. Then, once he told me ... once I realized who he was ... I couldn't be scared, because I was worried about you." Talking was hard. It still made Luka's chest hurt, but once he'd started, it would have been harder to stop. He'd never been able to talk about it before. Sometimes pain was worth it.
"He told me he'd ... done things to you ..." Abby shut her eyes quickly and turned her head away a little. "All I could think was that I had to get help for you. I couldn't die because I had to tell someone. I was just focused on ... not dying ... trying to not die. It is hard when people we ... care about ... are hurt. I hated that I couldn't help you. That was the hardest part. Not ... dying. Not knowing that I was going to die. But knowing that you might die too. And I couldn't do anything to change it."
"But you did help me," Abby said gently, finally looking at him again. "Susan said you told them about me, made sure help came."
"Did I?" Luka was relieved. "That part's still so hazy. I wasn't sure."
"You did." A pause and a momentary smile. "I was worried about you too. He told me he was going to go to your place, he was going to kill you. And I also hated knowing that I couldn't help you. He tied me up before he left, so I couldn't get help, call for help. Not for you, or for me." Another little smile. "But I was scared. For you and for me. I don't think I've ever been so scared. He told me ..." Abby trailed off.
"What?"
"Nothing." Abby looked out the window again.
"Well ... we don't have to be scared anymore, right? We're both going to be ok. It could have been a lot worse."
A bit of a laugh. "This coming from a man who just had two bullets taken out of his chest?"
"I'm alive. It could have been a lot worse."
"That's true." Abby took another bite of the pot roast. "I swear this is horse meat," she grumbled.
"I was thinking it was cat myself." Luka smiled at her again. As good as it had felt to talk about "it," it really was so much easier to talk about the inconsequential.
"Did Anspaugh have any good words for you today?" asked Abby after a minute.
"Depends on your definition, I guess. He thinks I'll be able to go home early next week."
"That's good."
"Yeah, I'll be glad to get out of here." Luka remembered his earlier thoughts when Carter had been here. "I'll probably need to arrange for some help for a while though. I don't think I'll be up to managing alone for a couple of weeks yet."
"Yeah," Abby agreed. "It's hard for patients who live alone ... have no-one to help them."
"Will you come and visit me at home?"
"Of course I will!" Then Abby suddenly looked thoughtful. "Look ... how would it be if I stayed with you for a while?"
"In my apartment?"
"Yeah. You'll probably need to hire a nurse. Well, I'm a nurse. I can give you the help you need."
"You need to work."
"I have some vacation time. It would solve both our problems, wouldn't it. I would have a place to stay, and I wouldn't be imposing, because I'd be helping you."
"It's a bad idea," Luka said gently. " For one thing, Carter definitely isn't going to like it."
"Carter can take a flying leap." Abby snapped, then cut herself off abruptly. Then more slowly. "It's over, Luka; me and Carter. It's been over for a long time. I think we both knew that the patient was dead, but neither of us wanted to call it. It was easier to just pretend that everything was fine. Easier to keep going through the motions."
"You're going through a rough time. That can be hard on any relationship."
"No. It's more than that. I blame him for what happened ... to me, and to you. I was scared, I knew someone had been following me ... and he didn't care enough to believe me. Brian was obviously just waiting for the day when I would be alone, and he could ..." Abby shook her head.
"And now ... I should want Carter around, want his support. He offers, but I just can't stand to be around him. That says to me, pretty clearly, that there's nothing for us anymore. The relationship was a mistake from the beginning. I just don't know why neither of us saw it then. We were good as friends, and we should have left it there. He's not a bad person, Luka. But now ... I don't even know if we'll be able to be friends again."
"Unlike some other people I could name?" Luka asked lightly.
"Yeah." Abby smiled at him again. "So, how about it? I'd sleep on the couch, Luka. I'm not ... running into your arms or anything. I just want to help out if I can. I couldn't help you ... before ... but now I can. And you can help me a little. I do need a place to stay."
"I think you should at least try to go home. See how it goes. Maybe it won't be as bad as you think."
"No!" Abby said again firmly. "I told you, I can't go back there. Not ever. I can't live there ... I can't ... sleep there. Maybe some people can ... I can't." Abby was crying now.
"Abby?" Luka said very gently. "What happened that night?"
"Nothing. Nothing much anyway. He knocked me around ... then tied me up so I couldn't get help. Just ... just some bruises ... and my wrist." She tried to smile again but couldn't quite mange it. "You're the one who got shot ... who almost died." Her voice was shaking, and she wasn't looking at him.
Luka touched her face, where the bruises still remained. He wiped away a few of the tears. "He did ... rape you, didn't he?" Abby didn't answer, but pushed away his hand a little impatiently. "Abby?"
Abby still didn't look at him, but after a moment she nodded. "Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell me before?"
"I don't know. It wouldn't change anything ... and I didn't want to hurt you. I knew it would hurt you." A fresh wave of tears, and Abby couldn't talk anymore.
Instinctively, Luka reached for her, to comfort her. As his arm went around her, he felt her stiffen for a moment, and he cursed himself. Of course she'd be uneasy about being touched right now. Holding his hand was one thing, but an embrace must be difficult for her. But then he felt her relax, and she let him pull her head gently down onto his shoulder. And it was Luka's turn to stiffen, and he couldn't help gasping as her weight sent a stab of pain through his chest.
"Sorry," Abby said quickly, and started to pull away.
"It's ok," Luka said softly. "Everything's ok." And it was. Abby relaxed again in his embrace, put her arm around him, and let herself cry. There were times, Luka thought, when pain was worth it. And this was one of those times.