Chapter 2: Eternally Alone

My sixteenth birthday was coming soon. I wasn't a female as my mother so despised, so I wasn't going to receive a sweet sixteen party. Mother said we didn't have enough money to waste on an event that no one would attend anyway. I knew that was true…I wasn't fairly popular at my high school. I preferred the loner path….which is what I was.

So I went through the remaining two weeks until my birthday with a stolid demeanor, accepting the loneliness that draped over me without resistance. No one offered a single 'Happy birthday, Adamantine!' to me-not even a teacher. It seemed that I had been forgotten, tossed aside like a piece of garbage or an unwanted toy. I seemed to exist no longer.

Coincidentally, I received homework on my birthday. As I walked home to work on it, I saw some kids from school joking around in front of my house. The group consisted of two boys, Ryuichi Sekien, Mark Daniels, and twin females Marissa and Jessica Jackson. The girls with backward embraced with the guys and they were all smiling and laughing. As I approached, they saw me and quickly scattered, the boys yelling a few words I care not to repeat.

I stepped up to the abused door, not surprised to find it locked. I sighed and pulled a single silver key from my pocket, inserting it into the keyhole. The door swung open and I quietly slid into the house, silently dropping my backpack onto the sofa just inside the doorway. Then I closed the door behind me, grabbing my key from the lock and throwing it onto a coffee table. Then I walked over to the mirror against the wall in front of me, watching my disheveled reflection. I pushed back my shoulder length black hair, examining a bruise on my neck that my hair covered.

I had decided two years ago to let my hair grow out. I wasn't sure why at the time…it was just a choice that I made. Now I was hastily growing sick of it. Winter would be ending soon, and I didn't need my hair sticking to my neck and face again.

(Maybe I should cut it short today…I'm sure Mother wouldn't mind. She isn't home most of the time anyway, always out with one of her boyfriends. She disgusts me…I'm surprised that she hasn't had another baby yet.)

I sighed and produced a ponytail holder from my pocket, pulling my hair back while I headed to the kitchen. Tiredly pulling open the refrigerator door, I examined the contents of it and finally decided on some coffee. I closed the door and walked to the pantry when I spotted a messily written note taped to the freezer. At first I thought it was my mother's grocery list, so I ignored it and continued toward the pantry, pulling some French Vanilla coffee from it. As I prepared it, I took another glance at the note. Curious, I finally pulled it down from the freezer and read it, my eyes widening at every word.

Dear Adamantine,

I have gone away from here., I'm sorry. I didn't want to leave you alone like this, and on your birthday of all days! But my fiancée doesn't know I have children…and I'd like to keep it that way. So I leave you in the hands of your father, Bill Cutler. He's at the Cutler's Cove hotel; you can find it yourself. I've left you some money in your room on your dresser. I wish you good luck and I hope I'll be able to meet you again someday without the pressures of being a mother to you. Goodbye, my beautiful son, have a great life.

Mother

I stood there shaking, reading the note once more. Tears began to rapidly fill my eyes and I ran from the kitchen, racing up to my mother's room and burying myself in her bed sheets, smelling her lavender perfume. And there I stayed for the rest of the night, neglecting my half-made coffee on the countertop downstairs.

I didn't return to school the next day, either. It wasn't like anyone would notice my being gone anyway. No one knew I was there in the first place. I spent most of the day in my bed, weeping until I could cry no longer. Back when I was a child, my mother forbid me to cry, saying I was a boy and boys didn't cry. And so my tears from the scrapes and pain I felt back then came out now, rebelling against my mother's ever-present rule of no tears. At last I got up and went downstairs, my face streaked with tears. I saw my coffee from the night before still sitting on the countertop, abandoned. Moving slowly, I dumped it down the drain and washed the cup out, thinking about my mother. How could she just desert me, her flesh and blood, like that? Was I as I thought, too painful for her to look at? Had she run off with my father, and she was waiting at Cutler's Cove for me, ready to open her arms to me when I arrived? Would I ever see her again? And if I did, would we recognize each other? I knew that at 16, I would do a lot of changing and growing. When I finally did meet her again, if I ever did, would she…would she know me?

I couldn't bear this pain anymore…so I dropped to the floor, sobbing against my will. I tried to stay strong…tried to tell myself that boys don't cry…but I couldn't stop. My hair fell into my face, but I didn't brush it away. I let go of the coffee cup that still rested in my hand, and it shattered on the floor next to me. I fell backwards onto my back, letting my head smash against the concrete of the floor and roll to the side. It felt cold against the side of my face, and new tears sprung to my eyes.

After a while I sat up, my tears dried. I slowly stood up and I walked up the stairs nearby, heading for the shower. After stripping off my clothes, I looked at my face in the mirror. Gone was the boy I had been before, arrived was the man I had much too quickly become. My face was creased with depression and sadness, the boyish, chubby cheeks gone. My eyes were already deeply set back, the lack of sleep leaving them half closed and dark ringed. My hair was in knots, and I had the feeling I wasn't going to be brushing it for a while, or would care to. My muscles had filled out to those of a man's physique. My waist was still rather small, but it was muscular. My wrists were tiny, much too small. My neck was still long and seemly, still like before. I had a dancer's body, unfortunately. I had given up on my artistic ideas long ago, when my mother's boyfriend Chuck Davis-a 30 something has-been-persuaded me into karate, some type of Asian fighting style.

After a while, tears began to streak down my pale face once more as a new reality sunk in: that my mother, the woman who had raised me for my entire life, the only caring person I knew, had left me to fend for myself. I stepped into the shower, turning on the water and letting it run, full blast and steaming hot, onto my face, mixing with my tears, washing them away. The water fell over me, wrapping me in its warm blanket of ecstasy.

As I switched off the water, I heard the doorbell ring. I grabbed my robe off the bathroom door and slipped it on quickly, running down the stairs. As I tied it shut, I opened the door…and there stood Morgana Tilley, one of my classmates.

"Hey." She smiled at me, flashing pearly white teeth.

"…Hi." I frowned, suddenly feeling naked under her gaze. I pulled the white terrycloth robe around me tighter.

"So you weren't in school today." She gazed at me, flashing her blue eyes.

"…No."

"Why not?"

"…Family problems."

"Oh." She stood there for a moment, gazing around nervously. "Can I come in?"

"Huh? Oh, sure…" I opened the door wider and she slipped past me, flopping down on the couch heavily. I closed the door behind her and moved in front of her, folding my arms on my chest and watching her inquisitively.

"So…this is your house? Where are your parents?" She smiled at me again, brushing back her waist length bleached blonde hair from her face.

"My father is in Virginia somewhere and my mother…I don't know where she is."

"Oh…wow. Tough family." As she threw another smile in my direction, I felt something churn.

(Uh oh…)

She dropped something metallic on the floor and bent down to retrieve it, revealing pretty much her entire bosom in her tiny tube top. The promise of sexual activity hardened me, and I scowled, turning sideways to avoid her. She sensed my discomfort and stood up, walking towards the window blinds and closing them. Then she walked up to me, rubbing her body up against mine.

"Why are you here?" I asked her, my voice shaking as she breathed onto my neck.

"Oh, I just wanted to have a little…fun." She smiled again, lowering her hands to my waist. Caught up in the action, I lowered my lips to her neck, ignoring the screaming inside my head. She moaned and pulled my towel from my body as I unwrapped her from the confines of her clothes.

"Do you…honestly want this?" I asked her, my eyes narrowing.

"Of course I do." She breathed, kissing me, slipping her tongue into my mouth. Then she looked down, squealing happily at the sight of my hardness, leaning down towards it.

We were both breathing hard, tired from the event. She wrapped herself in my arms, her body warm against mine. All of a sudden, I felt this incredible feeling of guilt wash over me, this incredible feeling of anger.

"Hey Adamantine, was I your first?" Morgana asked me, turning towards me and dragging her fingers down my chest.

"…No." I admitted quietly.

"I knew it! I knew you've done this sort of thing before! How many times? Do you know?" She asked, excited from some unknown factor.

"…Seven."

"Ooh, no wonder you were so experienced! I was your eighth time?" She asked, looking at me expectantly.

"No…it's been seven different girls…I don't know how many times with each of them." Her questions made me blush, and I turned away from her.

"You wore protection every time, right?"

"…No."

"Did you ever get a girl pregnant?"

"…Yes."

"What happened?"

"She died at childbirth."

"And the baby?"

"…My mother got rid of it."

"Oh…you didn't wear protection this time, did you?" I heard a note of fear in her voice.

"…No."

"What…what if I get pregnant?!"

"Not my problem. You're the one who persuaded me, remember?"

"I flip my hair, smile, and lean over and you get an erection! How is your being so weak my problem?!" She stood up and began to dress.

"Who came over to my house uninvited?" I asked hotly, keeping my calm as I slipped my robe back on.

"Who went along with my advances?" She asked smartly, looking me defiantly in the eye with certainty that I couldn't reply.

"You know very well that most males can't control themselves when an erection hits. And don't you tell me that you had no clue, I can tell that you get around enough to know."

She angrily stomped her foot at me, and her childishness brought a smile to my face.

"Are you calling me a slut?!" She screamed at me.

"No. Just…sexually experienced."

I knew that I got nasty after making love. I wasn't sure why, but every time I finished, I just got all…pissed off. I reminded myself of a girl when that happened…I guess it might be because I was raised by a girl, I looked like a girl, and I was called 'girly' every day of my life. Perhaps the idea was sinking into my head?

"Speak for yourself. For your information, that was my first time." She admitted, stepping towards the door.

"Congratulations." I said without feeling. "Welcome to the cycle of never ending sex." I walked over to the window blinds, opening them quietly. Morgana watched me with curiosity, wondering how a 16 year old could be so casual about such a subject, I'm sure.

"A-Adamantine…" She started shakily.

"Weren't you just angry at me a moment ago?" I reminded her.

"Listen to me!" She cried, tears falling from her face. "Why…why are you being so mean?! You know this is my first time…and Adamantine, I'm scared! Why are you being so nonchalant about this?! I don't want a child to ruin my life, okay?! I wouldn't mind having a child with you later on in life, but now…right now I need to focus on my career!"

(She…she wants to have my children?!)

I stepped back, shocked.

"Look…I'm sorry for snapping at you like that." I said quietly. "I'm used to someone just getting mad and leaving, then coming back a week later when she's had time to unwind. I've got a curse put upon me, I suppose…"

"Well, I'll leave now. I suppose you need a shower." She smiled at my sweat stained hair, matted to my forehead. "But I'll come back when you least expect it! And come back to school?"

"I'll try." I told her, showing her out the door.

"I'm looking forward to my next visit." She said, leaning forward and kissing me.

"As am I."

After shutting the door, I glanced at the floor where she and I had been making love. Despite her claims to have been a virgin, I didn't believer her. For she was much too experienced, much too calm at the beginning.

And there was no blood on the floor.

I frowned, knowing that she wouldn't come back. I had to leave, anyway. My mother was waiting for me, waiting to surprise me at Cutler's Cove.

And she would say 'Welcome home, my darling Adamantine! I am glad to see you are here! This is your father, Bill Cutler. He has invited us here for one reason: so we can be one big, happy family!

(Yeah right…good things like that just don't happen…they aren't that simple. Nothing is that simple.)

I felt a sudden rush of tiredness come over me, and I decided on taking a nap before showering and packing for Cutler's Cove. On my way upstairs, I wondered if by leaving Richmond I was leaving my destiny, changing it some way. What if I was deserting my destiny? What if I was never meant to leave Richmond?

I yawned, too tired to think. Twice I almost fell up the stairs because my eyes couldn't stay open. Twice I caught myself.

Finally, I reached my own bed, the fluffy blue pillows and multiple blue blankets looking rather comfortable. I let myself fall into the sheets, letting the blankets engulf me, swallow my tears and my sorrow that dripped from me like hot syrup. I fell asleep instantly.

In the morning, I readied myself to leave for Cutler's Cove. What would my father say upon my arrival? Would he let me stay? Or would he deny that he was my father? So many questions…and the only way to get the answers would be to go to Cutler's Cove. But I was still a bit uncertain…I wanted to be accepted by my father, and not put down or discarded.

What would I say when I got there? "Hi, I'm your son, I haven't seen you for 16 years but I'm here now?" Why go at all? He probably has a family by now. Me coming back would most likely ruin his life, and then I would never be accepted. Maybe it would be easier to stay here, to use the money my mother had left me for continuing my education. Maybe I didn't need parents.

Still, while I pondered over going or not, I packed my things and carried them to the door, contradicting whatever negative thoughts I had.

Guess I'm going…only I won't be able to turn back once I get there…

And so I finished packing quickly and walked to the shower, stripping off my clothes once more. I could smell Morgana's perfume all over me; she must have doused herself in it before she came here. I still couldn't believe that I had made love to her…it had all seemed like a bad dream at the time. But here her scent was all over me, in my hair, dripping off my skin…the sickeningly sweet lilac scent made me ant to regurgitate what little I had eaten for breakfast.

Finally, I stepped into the shower and turned the water on once more. The heat from the liquid that spewed from the fosset hit my body and wrapped me in its comforting and warm blanket again.

Out of the shower and fully dressed with my hair still sopping wet, I was ready to leave. Was I beginning a new destiny or continuing my old one? An unanswered question, perhaps it would remain that way.

I had to walk to the train station since Mother nor I had ever owned a car. It was two miles away, unfortunately. But I didn't mind walking. I had packed light anyway, knowing that I would have to walk to the station, and the walking gave me valuable time to think. About my mother, her whereabouts, how my father would react to me…would he even know about me? I wondered if my mother told him that he had a child with her. Maybe she kept her pregnancy a secret, hidden from him…maybe to him I did not exist.

I reached the train station and I rode to Virginia Beach, then I walked to Cutler's Cover using the directions that the conductor had given me. And all of a sudden I was there, at Cutler's Cove!

It was a magnificent white building that loomed over my head, surrounded by various flowers, plants, trees, so much greenery that it made my head spin. Groundskeepers mowed the lawns, birds chirped in the trees…yet to me, it looked slightly ominous. This place could be either the home of my dreams or of my nightmares. I sincerely hoped it wouldn't be the latter.

Author's Notes: Sorry that took so long!!! I've been so busy gathering lyrics lately though that I haven't had too much time to type…just got over a case of writer's block too. Anyway, the third chapter of this should be coming fairly soon because it's almost all typed up on the other computer…yeah. I've got to go, but I hope you enjoyed this!