Authors Note: In this chapter and some upcoming ones there will be some references to events in Ice.
(And, a word again about the layout of the apartment. When I was first watching ER, I missed the existence of the stairway in Luka's apartment. (Blame a very small tv, and the fact that the stairs are never actually used – you just see the railing.) So in this fic, and all the others that are set there, [or have scenes there] his apartment has the same basic layout – an open-plan living space with a kitchen along one wall, a bedroom [probably through a door opening from the non-existent tv 'fourth wall'], and a bathroom with two doors, one opening into the bedroom [as seen in "Hindsight"] and one opening into the living room [as seen in "Forgive and Forget.].)
….and she throws her arms around me like a circle 'round the sun … (James Taylor)
Abby searched in the cupboard. Just regular tea, nothing herbal or decaf. Oh well, it wasn't like it was going to keep her any more awake. She grabbed the kettle just before it whistled and poured the tea. She couldn't remember the last time she'd gotten a good, full night's sleep. Yes she could. It would have been just about two weeks ago. It felt like longer. Much longer.
Carrying her cup over to the couch, Abby reached for the remote. If she kept the sound muted, she could watch without waking Luka. There must be something worth watching at 1:14 a.m.
The bedroom door opened. Luka looked, Abby thought, exceptionally drawn and pale in the half-light.
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to wake you."
"You didn't." Luka shuffled slowly over to the couch and sat beside her. "Coffee?"
"Tea."
"Got any more?"
"I can make more." Abby set the mug down and returned to the kitchen to put on more water. "Can't sleep either?"
"No."
"Hurting?"
"No, not really. I think I napped too long this afternoon." An obvious lie. He looked exhausted. He should be sleeping. He picked up Abby's mug and took a sip.
"Hey, that's mine!" She smiled at him. .
"Not anymore." He smiled back.
There was a silence while Abby busied herself with making a second cup of tea, and Luka leaned back and shut his eyes, warming his hands around his own cup. But the silence felt almost comfortable now, companionable, not awkward.
"I need to get a pull-out couch, I think," Luka said.
"Why?"
"I know this isn't a very comfortable place to sleep."
"But how often do you have overnight guests who sleep on the couch? You do have a king-sized bed and it's pretty comfortable, if I remember correctly.
"True."
Abby carried her tea over to join Luka. "And the couch is fine. It's really very comfortable. I just ... can't sleep."
"Did you sleep well at Susan's?"
"Not really."
"I've been noticing the dark circles. I didn't want to say anything." He sipped his tea stared into the cup for a moment. "It's hard."
Abby wasn't sure if it was a statement or question. Wasn't sure what to say, if he expected her to say anything. Luka's eyes were closed again. She waited.
Luka rubbed his thumb over the rim of his cup. After a minute he went on quietly. "I thought it would be easier than this. I told you that, remember?"
"Yeah."
"I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. I thought ..." Luka sipped his tea and shook his head.
"I think you expect too much of yourself. You're allowed to feel awful, Luka. And you're allowed to feel sorry for yourself." God knows I do, she thought.
"I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I want to get past this."
"You will," Abby said gently. And she knew it was true. People did get past things like this. She would get past it too. Some day.
Luka just nodded, then opened his eyes again and looked at her for the first time in since she'd rejoined him on the couch. He seemed to be searching her face for something. Evidence that she was getting past it?
"It is hard, Luka. I'm struggling too. I wanted to laugh when you told Ralene this afternoon how tough I was. I'm not dealing with it at all well."
"You seem to be holding up ... except for the not sleeping stuff."
"I fake it well," Abby admitted. "I'm good at faking happiness." A smile. "An early lesson from my childhood."
"Maybe you'd be doing better though if you didn't have me leaning on you so hard. You have your own issues to deal with ... you shouldn't have to be worrying about me."
"I don't mind. I like taking care of you. I'm a nurse, remember? That's what I do. I take care of people." She smiled at him again, put a hand on his arm. And, of course, the longer she could focus on Luka and his problems, the longer she could avoid her own, or at least push them into the background.
"I'm glad," Luka said softly. Then he looked away from her again, but didn't move her hand from his arm. "You know what's crazy?"
"What?"
"I keep thinking ... not just about what happened to me ... and to you ... but I keep thinking about Brian."
"That doesn't sound so crazy. I think about him too."
"No ... not about what he did to us. I keep thinking that he shouldn't have died ... that it's somehow my fault."
"It isn't, Luka. He killed himself. You didn't make him do that. But I'm not sorry that he did."
"You weren't there when it happened." Short.
"That's true. But when I heard ... I was glad."
"But we'll have a chance to get through this ... move on with our lives. He won't."
"It was his choice, Luka. He could have chosen to be alive, and in jail. He chose to be dead. It wasn't your fault."
"Or maybe," Luka said with a wry smile, "I'm just sorry that I didn't get to do it ... after what he did to you."
"So lets just be glad that he saved you the trouble."
Luka nodded again, took Abby's hand from his arm and held it in both of his. "I don't know. I just keep replaying it over and over again in my head. Thinking that if I'd done something differently ... maybe I could have changed something. Anything. Helped you ... myself ... even Brian."
"You couldn't. There was nothing you could have done differently." A beat. "But you're not the only one. I do it too."
"Do what?"
"Replay it. Try to figure what I could have done differently. Even ... while it was happening, I was trying to figure what I'd done ... what I could have done to have stopped him. Taken an earlier train, or a later one. He was waiting in the hall for me. He couldn't have been there very long. Maybe if I'd talked to Ralene a little longer he would have given up and left. Maybe if I'd screamed he would have panicked ... run. But I was too scared."
Abby suddenly realized that there were tears in her eyes again. And that she was leaning against Luka's shoulder, his arm was around her.
"He had a gun, Abby," Luka said gently. "You did what you had to do."
"I know that. I just ..." She shook her head. She didn't know what more to say. Or maybe there just wasn't anything more that needed to be said.
"We make quite a pair," Luka said.
"Yeah ... we do." And the tears spilled over again. Even as she cried, Abby was furious with herself. This was wrong. Luka was the one who had really suffered, who was still suffering. So why should he have to be the one comforting her? But she was glad all the same that he was there to comfort her.
"You're going to be ok." Luka's voice was gentle. She felt his breath in her hair as he spoke, and felt the soft brush of his lips on the top of her head.
"I know," she whispered, and nestled closer into his arms.
"And we're going to be ok."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Abby opened her eyes to sunshine through the window. For a moment she was confused. She should be sleeping on Susan's couch ... But no, she was at Luka's, on Luka's couch.
She was sleeping sitting up, cramped and uncomfortable. Luka's arms were still wrapped securely around her. He was still asleep. As uncomfortable as she was, Abby knew that he must be even worse off. The awkward position, her weight on his chest, must be causing him a lot of pain. But Luka didn't seem to mind. He slept quietly. She should wake him up, Abby thought. She should help him back to his bed. It was morning, but still very early, just past sun-rise. She should wake him, but she didn't have the heart. He looked so calm, and he needed the sleep.
Abby closed her eyes again and went back to sleep herself.