I can't tell you how I feel, my heart is like a wheel …
Let me roll it to you …. (Let Me Roll It, Paul McCartney)
Luka turned over and looked at the clock. Just past midnight. He'd slept for almost two hours. And, if this night was anything like the last two (and there was no reason to think it wouldn't be), he'd spend about 3 hours lying in bed awake before finally drifting off to sleep again. Then he would sleep and wake two or three times more before Abby come to wake him for breakfast and he would be able to get up.
Abby was awake too. Luka could hear her moving around in the living room, could hear the soft murmur of the tv. He could use something to drink, could stand to just stretch his legs, but he didn't get up. He wouldn't go into the living room. It would only worry Abby, Better for her to think he was sleeping well - doing better. Because she was doing the same for him. Lying. Despite the clear evidence provided by the deepening circles under her eyes and the sounds of footsteps coming through the thin walls at all hours, she assured him every morning that she'd slept 'pretty well.'
But Luka knew that if he could hear her, she'd be able to hear him as well. So he stayed in bed, stayed quiet. He stared into the darkness and tried to not see the images that haunted him, tried to ignore the constant dull pain in his chest, tried to not think.
Only once in the three nights since he'd come home had he slept for more than about 3 hours at a stretch. He'd wakened at 8:30 that first morning, after sleeping for a solid 6 hours. Wakened to find himself on the couch and Abby trying to slip out of his arms without waking him. He had been embarrassed, and so had she. That wasn't something that he had planned to happen. They were friends now, that was all. Whatever was happening between her and Carter, she'd given no indication that she was interested in anything more than friendship with him. She was, as she had said so often, just trying to help him. She had made it clear, as she had so many times in the past year and a half, that their relationship was over. She just wanted to be friends. But, despite her obvious unease with the intimacy, she assured him that it was ok. He hadn't done anything inappropriate, they had just slept. They had both needed the sleep. And, though she didn't say it in so many words, they both knew that they had both needed the comfort.
Luka had to smile. The comfort he'd been seeking for so many months, from an endless succession of women visiting his bed for a night, or a week. Sex was supposed to provide comfort ... connection ... intimacy. It hadn't happened with any of those women. All he'd gotten out of those encounters had been a few minutes of distraction from his emotional pain and misery, a momentary physical release ... and then a vague sense of disgust with himself and with the woman who had given herself to him so thoughtlessly. And then, with the morning, a more intense, almost overwhelming loneliness. A loneliness he then tried to forget the next night, with another stranger in his bed. Sex was meaningless now. The last time it had meant something had been ... well ... the last time he had slept with Abby.
One hundred sexual encounters had brought him nothing. But a single night with Abby, a night spent doing nothing but sleeping ... that had been something he'd been needing for a very long time.
But it was something he knew he wouldn't have again. They hadn't talked much about it, but Luka knew Abby wouldn't allow it to happen again. If he was to venture out of his room in the night, she would make sure that he didn't fall asleep on the couch again. That was her territory. Luka had his bed, and Abby was careful to spend little time in his room. She didn't want him to get the wrong idea.
So Luka didn't venture out of his room at night. It would only worry Abby if she knew he still wasn't sleeping, and he didn't want to make things awkward or uncomfortable between them.
Because, while the nights were rough; far too long, with too much pain and too little sleep, the days were much, much better. The discomfort of those first hours was gone. They got along well. Luka didn't need, quite honestly, much in the way of nursing care. He could take care of himself. But Abby was always there to provide the little bits of help that he did need. And just having her there was nice. Light conversation alternating with comfortable silences. Luka had lived alone for so long, he'd almost forgotten what it was like to have someone else there. He'd almost forgotten how pleasant it was. While Luka couldn't help worrying a little about Abby, she was going to get sick herself if she didn't start sleeping again; he found that he liked listening to her moving around in the other room. Just knowing she was there was a comfort during the long sleepless hours.
Luka shut his eyes and tried to find a more comfortable position in bed. He listened to Abby's footsteps through the wall and tried to fall back to sleep.