Abby tilted her head back, rubbed her free hand on the back on her neck. She was exhausted. Susan had been trying to get her to leave. She'd been sitting by Luka's bed all afternoon and into the night.
"You aren't doing him any good sitting here," Susan kept reminding her. "He's doing fine. And he's asleep. He doesn't even know you're here."
Which was, of course, all the more reason for her to be there. Whenever he woke up, she had to be there. And it was taking a very long time. He wasn't waking up, and Abby couldn't help worrying about that. The brief moment of alertness in the ER had been a fluke. Now, when they called his name, he would sometimes open his eyes for a moment, and then slip under yet again. But usually there was no response at all.
This was normal. Susan had told her that too a dozen times. His body had been through a terrible strain. He was exhausted after too many nights with too little sleep. He was still lightly sedated. Rest and sleep were the best thing for him now. And Abby knew all that, but it didn't lessen the worry, or make the long hours any easier. Also, while he was starting to breathe on his own, the ICU doctors wanted to wait to extubate until he was awake, and it was so hard seeing him tied to the vent. It made him look even sicker than she knew he already was.
Finally though, Abby had to get up. The four cups of coffee she'd had since midnight (brought to her by the helpful ICU nurse) had gone through her ... she had to use the bathroom. And get another cup of coffee to keep her going for another couple of hours.
Abby kissed Luka's hand and set it down. "I'll be right back," she told him. A quick dash to the lady's room, then the coffee machine in the visitor's lounge. The cafeteria had marginally better coffee, but it was a long walk. She didn't want to be gone too long. While waiting for it to dispense her cup she heard a quiet voice behind her.
"He's doing better?" Carter. Leaning against the wall, sipping his own cup.
"Are you on tonight?" Abby asked in surprise. Surely Carter should be home now. It was barely 5, not yet time for the day shift to come back. And she knew he'd worked yesterday.
"No, not until 7. But I had some paper work to take care of."
They lied to each other so smoothly, didn't they? Even when each knew that the other was lying. He had no paperwork with him. How long had he been there?
"He's sleeping. And he's stable. They'll extubate as soon as he wakes up."
"Good. I'm glad."
Was that another lie? Abby wasn't so sure this time. "He'll probably spend the rest of the day in the ICU, then move to a regular room," she said.
"And then what?" Still very quiet.
"And then what?" The question puzzled her.
Carter didn't answer, just shook his head.
Abby shrugged. "Assuming all goes well, four or five days of IV heparin, then he can go home again on oral anticoagulants." Why was she having to tell him this? He was a doctor, he knew how PE was treated.
"And you'll be looking after him then?"
"If he still wants me there, yeah."
"That's good. He'll need a good nurse for a while. And you're one of the best."
"Not yesterday, I wasn't," Abby said softly.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"There was nothing to tell. There is nothing to tell. I've just been helping him. Like you said, he needed a nurse."
"That's all it is?"
"Yes. That's all it is. I'm sleeping on the couch."
"And what about us?"
"We're friends?" Abby looked at the murky liquid in her cup. Her thoughts weren't much clearer than that. She was just too tired right now. And her world had been falling apart for too long. What did Carter want her to say? "I'm sorry, John. I didn't want it to be this way. I thought maybe we could work it out, I wanted to be able to, but we can't. Can we try for friends now?"
"We have to work together, Abby. We have to be friends, right?"
"Are you ok with that?"
"Sure. As long as you're happy, I'm happy."
A half smile. "Ask me about that part in a couple of weeks. Right now I think I'd settle for 'not running screaming from the room.' "
"You'll make it, Abby. And so will he."
"I know." Abby looked out the window for a minute. "I need to get back to him."
"Yeah, you do."
Abby finally turned from the window, met Carter's eyes for the first time. He smiled at her, and she felt like some small part of the weight she'd been carrying had been lifted from her shoulders. She wasn't quite so tired any more.
"Let me know when he can have visitors, ok? I'd like to stop by for a minute."
"I'll make sure a message gets down to the ER." Abby got a second cup of abysmal coffee to take back to Luka's room. She could feel Carter watching her go.
-------
In the ICU, something was different. It took Abby a moment to figure out what it was. Luka's hand was no longer lying where she had set it down. And his eyes were open. Rather wide, and a little scared. Why had she been gone so long? She was just going to leave for a moment! But, once again, Luka had needed her, and she hadn't been here.
"Luka?" She quickly moved to where he'd be able to see her, and took his hand again. "It's ok. There's nothing to be scared of. They wanted to wait to take the tube out until you were fully awake. It should come out soon, you're doing a lot better."
Luka nodded slowly, but he still looked frightened and rather vague. His eyes left her face to look around the room. And Abby felt another twinge of worry. He seemed to be awake, but something wasn't right. She swallowed the bitter taste of fear. "Luka? Do you understand me?" Another slow nod. "Do you know who I am?" He did. And then, all the usual questions. "Do you know where you are?" Yes. "Are you in pain?" No. "Is there anything you need right now?"
Luka seemed to have to think about that one for a moment, then he motioned for pencil and paper. And Abby relaxed a little. He was doing ok. He was just tired and confused. Perfectly normal after what he'd been through. She found a pad and paper and handed it to him. While he struggled to write, she said again, "You're going to be ok now." He didn't seem to be paying much attention, he was concentrating on trying to write. He showed her the paper. One word. 'Home.'
She smiled at him. "Soon, Luka. In a few days."
But Luka shook his head, added another word to the paper. "Was home."
"You don't ..." Abby bit back the question and tried again. "Do you remember what happened?"
His hand shook a little now. 'Shot.'
"Yeah. A couple of weeks ago. You don't remember coming back in?" Luka shook his head. "Waking up in the ER?" Another no. Abby made herself smile again, resolutely pushed back the worry that was returning again. "Ok. Don't worry about it. You had an embolism, you collapsed at home. The ambulance brought you in. Things were rough at first, but you're doing a lot better now."
Luka ripped off the page, started a fresh one. 'When?'
"Yesterday. It's ok that you don't remember. You've been sleeping."
'What day?' Luka wrote. And again, Abby tried to think positively. He was much more alert than he'd been just a few minutes ago. He seemed to understand what was happening, was communicating as well as he could under the circumstances. It was normal that he wouldn't remember coming in; it was even normal that he wouldn't remember things that had happened several hours before that. He was going to be fine.
"It's Saturday now, very early in the morning. We brought you in about noon yesterday."
Luka nodded, let the pad fall from his hand, and tried to smile at her. But his eyes still looked scared. Abby could only hope that she was doing a better job of hiding her own fear. Luka let his eyes close again.
"Still tired?" Abby asked. And he nodded again, but didn't open his eyes. "Me too." He did open his eyes again this time, and looked at her for a moment. What was he thinking? "Look, why don't I try to track down a doc and see about getting that tube out. It can't be very comfortable, and I don't think you need it anymore." He didn't. His sats were fine, and he was breathing on his own. But he shook his head, held more tightly to her hand. He didn't want her to leave, that was clear.
"Ok," she said. "Maybe a little later. You get some rest now." She smiled at him one more time, and thought she would close her own eyes for just a moment. They burned with exhaustion. Just for a minute.
"You aren't doing him any good sitting here," Susan kept reminding her. "He's doing fine. And he's asleep. He doesn't even know you're here."
Which was, of course, all the more reason for her to be there. Whenever he woke up, she had to be there. And it was taking a very long time. He wasn't waking up, and Abby couldn't help worrying about that. The brief moment of alertness in the ER had been a fluke. Now, when they called his name, he would sometimes open his eyes for a moment, and then slip under yet again. But usually there was no response at all.
This was normal. Susan had told her that too a dozen times. His body had been through a terrible strain. He was exhausted after too many nights with too little sleep. He was still lightly sedated. Rest and sleep were the best thing for him now. And Abby knew all that, but it didn't lessen the worry, or make the long hours any easier. Also, while he was starting to breathe on his own, the ICU doctors wanted to wait to extubate until he was awake, and it was so hard seeing him tied to the vent. It made him look even sicker than she knew he already was.
Finally though, Abby had to get up. The four cups of coffee she'd had since midnight (brought to her by the helpful ICU nurse) had gone through her ... she had to use the bathroom. And get another cup of coffee to keep her going for another couple of hours.
Abby kissed Luka's hand and set it down. "I'll be right back," she told him. A quick dash to the lady's room, then the coffee machine in the visitor's lounge. The cafeteria had marginally better coffee, but it was a long walk. She didn't want to be gone too long. While waiting for it to dispense her cup she heard a quiet voice behind her.
"He's doing better?" Carter. Leaning against the wall, sipping his own cup.
"Are you on tonight?" Abby asked in surprise. Surely Carter should be home now. It was barely 5, not yet time for the day shift to come back. And she knew he'd worked yesterday.
"No, not until 7. But I had some paper work to take care of."
They lied to each other so smoothly, didn't they? Even when each knew that the other was lying. He had no paperwork with him. How long had he been there?
"He's sleeping. And he's stable. They'll extubate as soon as he wakes up."
"Good. I'm glad."
Was that another lie? Abby wasn't so sure this time. "He'll probably spend the rest of the day in the ICU, then move to a regular room," she said.
"And then what?" Still very quiet.
"And then what?" The question puzzled her.
Carter didn't answer, just shook his head.
Abby shrugged. "Assuming all goes well, four or five days of IV heparin, then he can go home again on oral anticoagulants." Why was she having to tell him this? He was a doctor, he knew how PE was treated.
"And you'll be looking after him then?"
"If he still wants me there, yeah."
"That's good. He'll need a good nurse for a while. And you're one of the best."
"Not yesterday, I wasn't," Abby said softly.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"There was nothing to tell. There is nothing to tell. I've just been helping him. Like you said, he needed a nurse."
"That's all it is?"
"Yes. That's all it is. I'm sleeping on the couch."
"And what about us?"
"We're friends?" Abby looked at the murky liquid in her cup. Her thoughts weren't much clearer than that. She was just too tired right now. And her world had been falling apart for too long. What did Carter want her to say? "I'm sorry, John. I didn't want it to be this way. I thought maybe we could work it out, I wanted to be able to, but we can't. Can we try for friends now?"
"We have to work together, Abby. We have to be friends, right?"
"Are you ok with that?"
"Sure. As long as you're happy, I'm happy."
A half smile. "Ask me about that part in a couple of weeks. Right now I think I'd settle for 'not running screaming from the room.' "
"You'll make it, Abby. And so will he."
"I know." Abby looked out the window for a minute. "I need to get back to him."
"Yeah, you do."
Abby finally turned from the window, met Carter's eyes for the first time. He smiled at her, and she felt like some small part of the weight she'd been carrying had been lifted from her shoulders. She wasn't quite so tired any more.
"Let me know when he can have visitors, ok? I'd like to stop by for a minute."
"I'll make sure a message gets down to the ER." Abby got a second cup of abysmal coffee to take back to Luka's room. She could feel Carter watching her go.
-------
In the ICU, something was different. It took Abby a moment to figure out what it was. Luka's hand was no longer lying where she had set it down. And his eyes were open. Rather wide, and a little scared. Why had she been gone so long? She was just going to leave for a moment! But, once again, Luka had needed her, and she hadn't been here.
"Luka?" She quickly moved to where he'd be able to see her, and took his hand again. "It's ok. There's nothing to be scared of. They wanted to wait to take the tube out until you were fully awake. It should come out soon, you're doing a lot better."
Luka nodded slowly, but he still looked frightened and rather vague. His eyes left her face to look around the room. And Abby felt another twinge of worry. He seemed to be awake, but something wasn't right. She swallowed the bitter taste of fear. "Luka? Do you understand me?" Another slow nod. "Do you know who I am?" He did. And then, all the usual questions. "Do you know where you are?" Yes. "Are you in pain?" No. "Is there anything you need right now?"
Luka seemed to have to think about that one for a moment, then he motioned for pencil and paper. And Abby relaxed a little. He was doing ok. He was just tired and confused. Perfectly normal after what he'd been through. She found a pad and paper and handed it to him. While he struggled to write, she said again, "You're going to be ok now." He didn't seem to be paying much attention, he was concentrating on trying to write. He showed her the paper. One word. 'Home.'
She smiled at him. "Soon, Luka. In a few days."
But Luka shook his head, added another word to the paper. "Was home."
"You don't ..." Abby bit back the question and tried again. "Do you remember what happened?"
His hand shook a little now. 'Shot.'
"Yeah. A couple of weeks ago. You don't remember coming back in?" Luka shook his head. "Waking up in the ER?" Another no. Abby made herself smile again, resolutely pushed back the worry that was returning again. "Ok. Don't worry about it. You had an embolism, you collapsed at home. The ambulance brought you in. Things were rough at first, but you're doing a lot better now."
Luka ripped off the page, started a fresh one. 'When?'
"Yesterday. It's ok that you don't remember. You've been sleeping."
'What day?' Luka wrote. And again, Abby tried to think positively. He was much more alert than he'd been just a few minutes ago. He seemed to understand what was happening, was communicating as well as he could under the circumstances. It was normal that he wouldn't remember coming in; it was even normal that he wouldn't remember things that had happened several hours before that. He was going to be fine.
"It's Saturday now, very early in the morning. We brought you in about noon yesterday."
Luka nodded, let the pad fall from his hand, and tried to smile at her. But his eyes still looked scared. Abby could only hope that she was doing a better job of hiding her own fear. Luka let his eyes close again.
"Still tired?" Abby asked. And he nodded again, but didn't open his eyes. "Me too." He did open his eyes again this time, and looked at her for a moment. What was he thinking? "Look, why don't I try to track down a doc and see about getting that tube out. It can't be very comfortable, and I don't think you need it anymore." He didn't. His sats were fine, and he was breathing on his own. But he shook his head, held more tightly to her hand. He didn't want her to leave, that was clear.
"Ok," she said. "Maybe a little later. You get some rest now." She smiled at him one more time, and thought she would close her own eyes for just a moment. They burned with exhaustion. Just for a minute.