Another cab ride. Another wait for Abby to unlock the front door, while carefully NOT looking at that place beside the door.
But once inside, Luka found himself looking around for some evidence or what had occurred. Afraid to see it, but hoping that maybe it would jog a memory. There was no blood of course. Not this time. But there were some crumpled plastic wrappings, which Luka recognized as the packaging from an IV set up kit. Some gauze pads -- alcohol swabs. His hand went automatically to the spot on his arm where the IV had been. More medical-type litter. And Abby's pillow was on the floor beside the couch. Had she put it beneath his head? Or his feet? Her blanket was in a heap beside it.
Abby noticed him looking at the mess. "I should have come home and cleaned this up," she said apologetically.
Home. Did she realize what she'd just said?
She helped him down the steps from the front door and over to the couch. He was still frighteningly weak. They'd wanted to keep him for a few more days, but Luka wouldn't hear of it. If they didn't discharge him, he would have signed out AMA. He had to get home again. The idea, as illogical as it was, stuck in his mind that the sooner he got home again, the sooner he would be well. Hospitals were for sick people, and as long as he was in the hospital, he was sick.
"Don't worry about it," he told her. "It isn't like anyone's been here to care." She didn't understand why the litter unnverved him so much, and he couldn't tell her. He really didn't want to think about it himself. He wanted to move on, get past it ... get well. He didn't want to think any more about the hard stuff, about the things he couldn't stop remembering, and the things he couldn't remember at all.
Abby began cleaning up the mess, and Luka just sat and watched her for a minute. "Any leads on a new apartment?" he finally asked.
"I haven't had time to look. Ralene says there's an empty unit in my old building, but ..." She shook her head.
"So you're still sure you want to move?"
"Yeah. And I guess I'll need to put my stuff in storage for a while. I figure I'll need to be here for a few more weeks at least ... and if I don't get my stuff out by the middle of next week, I'll have to pay another month's rent."
'Need to be here.' She didn't want to be here, did she? "I'm sorry," Luka said.
"What for?" Truly puzzled.
Luka shrugged. "Taking up so much of your time. This probably wasn't what you signed up for ... what you expected when you first offered to look after me. I should be doing better by now."
"I don't mind. I mean, I wish you were doing better too, but I like feeling useful."
"Still ... maybe it would be better if I just hired a nurse."
"And where am I supposed to go?" Shock and hurt in her voice, in her eyes.
Luka opened his mouth to say "You could stay with Carter," but the words didn't come.
She was happy. He was glad that she was happy. Friends should be happy for one another. And they were friends now. Nothing wrong with being friends. He'd already had the love of his life. And he could have all the sex he wanted, without strings or connections. But friends were in short supply in his life. Luka remembered a coffee mug that one of the other nurses had. A picture of a bird, and the words. 'If you love something set it free.' He'd always thought it rather trite, but now he understood it. He had let Abby go, and she hadn't come back to him. Carter had let her go, and she had returned to him. There was no sense in pining for something he couldn't have. Better to focus on what he could have. If he wanted to move on, he had to be able to do that. No more looking back.
"Luka?" Abby was looking at him expectantly, and a little bit worried. He'd been silent for too long, lost in thought. She still worried about him, he knew. He needed to say something.
"You could ... ummm ... go back to Susan's." As the worried look turned back to hurt he said quickly. "Of course you're welcome to stay as long as you want. I'm just ... I don't want things to get awkward. Maybe I could be paying you for your time." What did Carter think about all of this? Carter had to know that Abby was staying here.
"Don't be silly. I still have lots of vacation time, and you're putting me up, feeding me ... and I can always pick up some extra shifts once I go back, if I need to."
"So you don't think this is ... awkward?"
"No. It doesn't have to be, if we don't let it. I like being here. I want to be here. With you."
Luka looked up sharply. Something in her tone startled him, but she had her back to him, she was throwing away the trash in the kitchen. And when she turned again, her face betrayed nothing. A long silence, then she went on, "You aren't throwing me out, are you?"
"No, of course not. I said you could stay and I meant it. As long as you want. As long as I ... need you."
"You blame me, don't you? For what happened?" Again, the hurt, the confusion. He didn't want to be hurting her.
"You didn't make the PE happen."
"But I wasn't there when it did. You could have died." She rejoined him on the couch.
"But I didn't. You got me to the hospital. You saved my life, Abby."
Again, silence. Abby couldn't seem to think of anything to say to that.
Guilt. That was it. She blamed herself, expected that he would blame her too. She was staying because of guilt, nothing more. When she'd paid off that debt, she leave again, and return to Carter. And he would move on.
---------------
Abby got up to put the supper dishes in the sink. They hadn't talked much over the meal. Luka was too tired to keep up his end of a conversation. "You look tired," Abby said, stating the obvious.
"This surprises you? It hasn't been a good week."
No, it hasn't," Abby agreed. "You think you'll be able to sleep tonight?"
Luka shrugged. "I think I'm tired enough." She still didn't know that he wasn't sleeping, and he wasn't going to tell her. "In fact, I think I'll go to bed now." It was early, but if he went now, he might actually get a few hours in before his usual 3 a.m. awakening.
"That sounds like a good idea. Need help?"
"No." A lie. The bedroom door was a long ways away, and he was tired. But he didn't want Abby helping him. Somehow, the idea of that was bothering him more and more. He needed to be getting better, so they could both get back to their lives.
The couch was closer. He made it there and sat down. He'd rest here for a while, then he'd go to bed. Abby joined him, moving her blanket and pillow so she could sit. Luka sat for a minute with his eyes closed. Abby didn't say anything. Did she think he'd fallen asleep? When he opened his eyes again, Abby was fingering the fringe on the blanket, biting her lip.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing. I was just thinking .... Maybe I should sleep in your bed." She didn't look at him.
"And I sleep on the couch?" The idea wasn't unappealing if it meant he didn't have to stand up again.
"No. We both ..."
"Not a good idea," Luka interrupted firmly.
"I'm not ... expecting anything ..." Abby said. "And I don't want you to get the wrong idea. But the couch isn't very comfortable ..."
"Beats the chair in the ICU."
"Not by much. Mostly I just want to keep an eye on you ... make sure you're ok."
"That isn't necessary. And it's just a really bad idea."
"Why?"
"Carter comes to mind."
A baffled look from Abby. "Carter?"
Luka felt about as confused as Abby appeared to be. "I don't think he'd like it very much, do you?"
"I don't think he has anything to say about it."
Luka shook his head. The conversation was growing increasingly surreal ... or maybe he was even more tired than he thought, and this was actually a perfectly rational conversation. "But you and Carter ..."
"Are history," Abby said firmly. Then she frowned, and Luka saw the too familiar worried look in her eyes. "You remember that, don't you? You remember me telling you?"
"You were having problems ... you said you thought it was over . but you weren't sure yet. And then yesterday, everything seemed so good between you. You were so happy, so comfortable ...I thought you'd worked things out. And I was happy for you, Abby. I really was."
A smile from Abby. "We did work things out, Luka. And we're friends now. We realized that we make lousy lovers, but we can do well as friends. We're a lot happier that way."
"Just like us?" Luka said softly.
"Yeah. Like us." Another quick smile, and she bit her lip again, began to braid the fringe on the afghan. She didn't look at him. "It's funny ... the whole time Carter and I have known each other ... there was this ... stress ... like a cloud over us. He was attracted to me ... God knows why ... and he never made any secret of it. We couldn't be friends, we couldn't just let things go along, because we were always wondering ... waiting for something to happen between us. I think I always knew that we weren't meant for each other, but he seemed so sure, and I figured that if he was sure, maybe I was wrong, maybe I just had to wait for the right time. Maybe one morning I'd wake up and realize that he was the man I'd been waiting my whole life for." She chuckled a little. "But that morning never happened. Even when we were together, I kept waiting for it to happen ... and it never did. And I think Carter knew it too, he knew we weren't meant to be. That I wasn't the person he was looking for ... the person he thought I was.
"And now ... we're past all that. We both know it's over. We can go back to the beginning, try again as friends. And the cloud is gone. I'm listening to my heart ... for the first time in my life, I think. I'm doing what I know is right for me, and it feels good." Another smile. "It's weird, but even with all that's happened in these last few weeks, I think I'm happier now than I've been in a long time. Maybe ever. I'm ready to go forward, dump all the baggage and go on. And it feels really good."
A sigh and a small shake of the head. "I'm sorry, Luka. You're exhausted, and I'm babbling."
Luka was exhausted, but he managed to smile. "It's ok. I'm glad ... not that it's over for the two of you, but that you're happy."
"Still, you need to go to bed. We can talk about this more tomorrow."
"Yeah. We will." Luka let Abby help him to his feet and guide him to the bedroom. She got his shoes off, brought him his medications, and helped him lie down. He was too tired to undress, and barely heard her bid him good-night before he was asleep.
----------------
He half wakened, feeling the slight jar of the bed as someone slid in beside him. He smelled the familiar, faint scent of Abby's shampoo and his own soap. She didn't say anything. She didn't touch him. And he was quickly asleep again.When he next opened his eyes, sunshine was coming in through the window. The other side of the bed was empty. Perhaps he'd only dreamt it.