'We'll talk about it tomorrow,' she had said, and Luka had agreed. But they hadn't talked about it.
Did Luka even know that she was sleeping in his bed now? He was always already asleep when she went to bed, and always still asleep when she got up in the morning. And the bed was big enough that there was always space between them, they never touched.
Of course he had to know. She'd moved her suitcase of clothes into the bedroom, and the bedding was no longer on the couch. There was simply no way that he could be unaware that she'd been sharing his bed for the past three nights. So they didn't talk about it. There was nothing to say.
Sometimes, during the day, she'd see him looking at her, looking like he wanted to say something. But then he'd catch her looking at him, and avert his eyes.
It was just as well. There really was nothing to say. Luka didn't want her anymore, that much was obvious. Not that she could blame him. She'd hurt him too many times already. Why would he he set himself up for more pain, more hurt? He didn't need more pain in his life right now. He talked a lot about their friendship, how nice it was that they could be friends, and that she and Carter were friends. He looked at the rental ads for her, pointing out likely apartments. He wanted her out, that was all to clear. Still, he didn't seem to object to her being in his bed. Or, if he did, he was too polite to say anything
And she liked being there. Her own feelings were much less clear to her than Luka's, but Abby liked sleeping beside him. It made her feel safe somehow, though she wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was just the reassurance of knowing that Luka was doing well, knowing that if anything went wrong, she'd be close by. And just being there was enough. She didn't want anything more.
She was happy, that was clear to her. But why? Because she was with Luka? Because, at least for the moment, he needed her? Because she'd let go of a dead-end relationship? Abby was almost afraid to delve too deeply into it. Afraid that if she did, she might spoil it? Might learn that happiness, like love, was something she just didn't understand, had never really experienced before. That perhaps this wasn't happiness at all.
Abby sighed and looked at her watch. She should check on Luka. She was still uneasy when he was out of her sight, however illogical she knew it was. He was doing well, taking his meds. No reason to think the PE would recur, and nothing else was likely to go wrong this far into the post-operative course. Abby had heard about mothers who would go into their baby's rooms a dozen times a night, just to reassure themselves that the baby was breathing. She'd always thought that rather silly, but now she knew how they felt. Except, of course, Luka was a grown man. A grown man who she knew hated being fussed over. He didn't want her to worry, but she couldn't help worrying. So she checked on him often, but only when she was sure he was asleep.
She stood in the doorway for a moment, looking at him in the light from the bathroom. His back was to her, and his arm was thrown over his face so she couldnt' really see him. But she could see him breathing, and that made her feel better, made her breathe a little easier.
After a minute she went into the bedroom and found a pair of pajamas in her suitcase and went into the bathroom to change and ready herself for bed. Brushing her teeth, she paused to contemplate her reflection in the mirror. She looked better. She wasn't so pale, the dark circles were gone from beneath her eyes. The stitches had come out long ago, and the cut on her cheek was only a faint red line now. Her wrist was no longer swollen, and didn't bother her anymore.
'You are beautiful,' Luka had said. An exaggeration, perhaps, but she was doing better, looking better. She was healed, or healing anyway. Ready to move on, leave the past behind her. But where was she going? She knew what she was leaving behind, but what lay ahead for her? Would she know when she got there?
Abby started to switch off the bathroom light so she could go to bed herself, then paused. Luka had rolled over in his sleep, she could see his face now. On impulse she left the light on and got quietly into bed beside him. He looked better too. More color in his face, and less pain in his expression. He still moved very slowly, using the furniture for balance checks as he made his way around the apartment, but he was starting to regain his strength. How much longer before he no longer needed her? How much longer before she'd no longer have an excuse to stay here?
She touched his face gently, checking for a fever, she told herself, though she knew it was a lie. She just wanted to touch him. His skin was cool and dry, just as it should be. He stirred slightly. Perhaps he was dreaming. Of her?
Abby shook her head. This was crazy. He didn't want her. And she knew better than to want him again. They'd been around this too many times. But they always seemed to end up together. Maybe this time would be different. They were different people now.
"Where are we going?" Abby didn't realize that she'd spoken the words aloud until Luka stirred again, opened his eyes. "I didn't mean to wake you," she whispered quickly. "Go back to sleep." Luka just looked at her. He looked confused. Maybe he hadn't realized she was sleeping in his bed. Or maybe he just wasn't quite awake.
He reached up and touched her face, as she had just touched his, then his hand dropped to rest on her arm. He still looked at her. Maybe he thought he was dreaming.
"Abby...." A little husky. Then his grip tightened on her arm, and he pulled her towards him. Down.
Abby was startled. A fleeting instant of panic. She wasn't expecting this, wasn't ready for this. She felt herself pull back, instinctively. And Luka pulled harder. What was he doing? Was he even aware? His eyes were shut again.
The panic left as quickly as it had come. He just wanted to hold her, of course. Even if it was just in his dreams. He couldn't possibly have the strength for more than that. And what did she want .... God ... she wanted to be held. Needed to be held.
She let him draw her down onto the bed, felt his arms go around her, felt the warmth and security of his embrace. And that was all. He relaxed again, seemed to be asleep once more. Probably hadn't been really awake at all. She relaxed in his arms, tried to fall asleep herself. She let her lips brush against the skin of his bare shoulder and closed her eyes. Then a hand beneath her chin, tilting her head upwards. To look at her? No. Luka's lips were on hers, very gently. 'It should be kisses...' and it was. Tender, gentle kisses, tongues just touching, his hands in her hair. Then his lips left hers to brush along her cheek, her ear, her neck. And again, nothing more. He lay still again, though his hand continued to stroke her hair. He was still awake.
Abby felt that she should say something, but she couldn't think of anything to say. And there were, perhaps, better uses for her lips. She kissed him again, still gently. His eyes opened and he looked at her for a moment ... perhaps he was wondering if he was dreaming? Abby wanted to laugh, but she didn't.
And then she almost gasped as his arms tightened around her, pulling her closer, and his mouth was suddenly insistent ... urgent ... hungry. His hand left her hair and moved down along her neck, her shoulders, to the curve of her back. Under her pajama top to rest on the bare skin at her waist. It stopped there. He pulled his lips from hers and looked at her again, anxious, worried that he had hurt her, perhaps. "It's ok?" he whispered.
"Yes, ... very ok." Abby smiled at him. He didn't smile back, but began to undo the buttons on her pajama top, his hands trembling a little.
Abby was trembling too. Her thoughts were a whirlwind ... a dozen different emotions battling within her. Even as she'd said yes, and meant it with all of her heart, she knew that she shouldn't be doing this. They shouldn't be doing this. It was too soon. Too soon for him; he was still sick, still weak, barely 3 weeks post-op. Too soon for her ... was she ready for this again? Ready for sex at all? Ready to jump into a new relationship? And much too soon for them.
But she couldn't say no. She wanted this ... needed it in a way that she'd never felt before.
It wasn't physical desire. Even as Luka undressed her, as he touched her, as they caressed each other with the confidence of two people who had been lovers for a long time, each one knowing what the other liked ... even as she enjoyed the physical sensations he awakened in her ... the need she felt was different. The arousal seemed unimportant. Abby wanted to be close to him, she couldn't get close enough. He couldn't hold her tightly enough. She wanted him inside of her because that was two people being as close together as they could be. Two bodies joined.
The intensity of her feelings frightened her a little, even as she surrendered to them. She'd never felt like this before. Could this be what love was all about? The love she'd never felt before? Abby pushed the thoughts away. Better to not analyze her feelings too much. Better to just let them be.
She pulled his lips from his again for a moment ... looked into his eyes. "Now ... please ..." she murmured. And he smiled at her, but something in his eyes, some reflection of her own emotions ... her own need, her own fear ... made her tremble a little.
---------
Luka was asleep. They still held onto each other, wrapped in each other's arms. Her head rested in the curve of his throat. They fit together perfectly, she thought. Despite the difference in their sizes, their bodies seemed to be made for each other. Each curve, each hollow a perfect match. Like two pieces of a puzzle. Luka's hand still rested in the small of her back, her leg was still thrown over his.
They hadn't wanted to separate. When they were done, neither had wanted to move. He'd just whispered her name again, kissed her again, held her a little more tightly, and then fallen asleep.
He'd said her name many times, and she his, but besides that, they hadn't talked. There had been nothing to say. Their bodies had said it all.
Abby suddenly remembered back ... a little more than two years ago. Their first time. She had gone to his hotel room, knowing he was in pain, and hoping to be able to help. 'You don't have to talk,' she had said, and he hadn't. She had offered herself to him, let him find healing in her touch, in her body. Helped him to remember ... or, perhaps, learn for the first time, that love and life were more powerful than death and pain.
She had given herself to him, and he had taken her, with a passion and a hunger that she hadn't understood. It had frightened her. But now she did understand; it was the same need that she had felt tonight. The need for touching, for closeness, for healing. A need that transcended desire, had nothing to do with passion. Even love. She had felt it tonight, and so had Luka. Two lost souls, floundering, in pain, afraid. Finding what they needed in each other.
There had been a little moisture around Luka's eyes as he'd clung to her. She had thought it was pain and fatigue ... it was too soon, even their rather slow and gentle lovemaking, lying side by side, had been tiring for him. But now she realized that the tears had flowed from the different source. The same source as her own tears.
Abby settled closer into Luka's arms, wiped her eyes. With her head resting against his shoulder she could hear his heartbeat, and the quiet sound of his breathing. Closing her eyes, she let them lull her into sleep.
Did Luka even know that she was sleeping in his bed now? He was always already asleep when she went to bed, and always still asleep when she got up in the morning. And the bed was big enough that there was always space between them, they never touched.
Of course he had to know. She'd moved her suitcase of clothes into the bedroom, and the bedding was no longer on the couch. There was simply no way that he could be unaware that she'd been sharing his bed for the past three nights. So they didn't talk about it. There was nothing to say.
Sometimes, during the day, she'd see him looking at her, looking like he wanted to say something. But then he'd catch her looking at him, and avert his eyes.
It was just as well. There really was nothing to say. Luka didn't want her anymore, that much was obvious. Not that she could blame him. She'd hurt him too many times already. Why would he he set himself up for more pain, more hurt? He didn't need more pain in his life right now. He talked a lot about their friendship, how nice it was that they could be friends, and that she and Carter were friends. He looked at the rental ads for her, pointing out likely apartments. He wanted her out, that was all to clear. Still, he didn't seem to object to her being in his bed. Or, if he did, he was too polite to say anything
And she liked being there. Her own feelings were much less clear to her than Luka's, but Abby liked sleeping beside him. It made her feel safe somehow, though she wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was just the reassurance of knowing that Luka was doing well, knowing that if anything went wrong, she'd be close by. And just being there was enough. She didn't want anything more.
She was happy, that was clear to her. But why? Because she was with Luka? Because, at least for the moment, he needed her? Because she'd let go of a dead-end relationship? Abby was almost afraid to delve too deeply into it. Afraid that if she did, she might spoil it? Might learn that happiness, like love, was something she just didn't understand, had never really experienced before. That perhaps this wasn't happiness at all.
Abby sighed and looked at her watch. She should check on Luka. She was still uneasy when he was out of her sight, however illogical she knew it was. He was doing well, taking his meds. No reason to think the PE would recur, and nothing else was likely to go wrong this far into the post-operative course. Abby had heard about mothers who would go into their baby's rooms a dozen times a night, just to reassure themselves that the baby was breathing. She'd always thought that rather silly, but now she knew how they felt. Except, of course, Luka was a grown man. A grown man who she knew hated being fussed over. He didn't want her to worry, but she couldn't help worrying. So she checked on him often, but only when she was sure he was asleep.
She stood in the doorway for a moment, looking at him in the light from the bathroom. His back was to her, and his arm was thrown over his face so she couldnt' really see him. But she could see him breathing, and that made her feel better, made her breathe a little easier.
After a minute she went into the bedroom and found a pair of pajamas in her suitcase and went into the bathroom to change and ready herself for bed. Brushing her teeth, she paused to contemplate her reflection in the mirror. She looked better. She wasn't so pale, the dark circles were gone from beneath her eyes. The stitches had come out long ago, and the cut on her cheek was only a faint red line now. Her wrist was no longer swollen, and didn't bother her anymore.
'You are beautiful,' Luka had said. An exaggeration, perhaps, but she was doing better, looking better. She was healed, or healing anyway. Ready to move on, leave the past behind her. But where was she going? She knew what she was leaving behind, but what lay ahead for her? Would she know when she got there?
Abby started to switch off the bathroom light so she could go to bed herself, then paused. Luka had rolled over in his sleep, she could see his face now. On impulse she left the light on and got quietly into bed beside him. He looked better too. More color in his face, and less pain in his expression. He still moved very slowly, using the furniture for balance checks as he made his way around the apartment, but he was starting to regain his strength. How much longer before he no longer needed her? How much longer before she'd no longer have an excuse to stay here?
She touched his face gently, checking for a fever, she told herself, though she knew it was a lie. She just wanted to touch him. His skin was cool and dry, just as it should be. He stirred slightly. Perhaps he was dreaming. Of her?
Abby shook her head. This was crazy. He didn't want her. And she knew better than to want him again. They'd been around this too many times. But they always seemed to end up together. Maybe this time would be different. They were different people now.
"Where are we going?" Abby didn't realize that she'd spoken the words aloud until Luka stirred again, opened his eyes. "I didn't mean to wake you," she whispered quickly. "Go back to sleep." Luka just looked at her. He looked confused. Maybe he hadn't realized she was sleeping in his bed. Or maybe he just wasn't quite awake.
He reached up and touched her face, as she had just touched his, then his hand dropped to rest on her arm. He still looked at her. Maybe he thought he was dreaming.
"Abby...." A little husky. Then his grip tightened on her arm, and he pulled her towards him. Down.
Abby was startled. A fleeting instant of panic. She wasn't expecting this, wasn't ready for this. She felt herself pull back, instinctively. And Luka pulled harder. What was he doing? Was he even aware? His eyes were shut again.
The panic left as quickly as it had come. He just wanted to hold her, of course. Even if it was just in his dreams. He couldn't possibly have the strength for more than that. And what did she want .... God ... she wanted to be held. Needed to be held.
She let him draw her down onto the bed, felt his arms go around her, felt the warmth and security of his embrace. And that was all. He relaxed again, seemed to be asleep once more. Probably hadn't been really awake at all. She relaxed in his arms, tried to fall asleep herself. She let her lips brush against the skin of his bare shoulder and closed her eyes. Then a hand beneath her chin, tilting her head upwards. To look at her? No. Luka's lips were on hers, very gently. 'It should be kisses...' and it was. Tender, gentle kisses, tongues just touching, his hands in her hair. Then his lips left hers to brush along her cheek, her ear, her neck. And again, nothing more. He lay still again, though his hand continued to stroke her hair. He was still awake.
Abby felt that she should say something, but she couldn't think of anything to say. And there were, perhaps, better uses for her lips. She kissed him again, still gently. His eyes opened and he looked at her for a moment ... perhaps he was wondering if he was dreaming? Abby wanted to laugh, but she didn't.
And then she almost gasped as his arms tightened around her, pulling her closer, and his mouth was suddenly insistent ... urgent ... hungry. His hand left her hair and moved down along her neck, her shoulders, to the curve of her back. Under her pajama top to rest on the bare skin at her waist. It stopped there. He pulled his lips from hers and looked at her again, anxious, worried that he had hurt her, perhaps. "It's ok?" he whispered.
"Yes, ... very ok." Abby smiled at him. He didn't smile back, but began to undo the buttons on her pajama top, his hands trembling a little.
Abby was trembling too. Her thoughts were a whirlwind ... a dozen different emotions battling within her. Even as she'd said yes, and meant it with all of her heart, she knew that she shouldn't be doing this. They shouldn't be doing this. It was too soon. Too soon for him; he was still sick, still weak, barely 3 weeks post-op. Too soon for her ... was she ready for this again? Ready for sex at all? Ready to jump into a new relationship? And much too soon for them.
But she couldn't say no. She wanted this ... needed it in a way that she'd never felt before.
It wasn't physical desire. Even as Luka undressed her, as he touched her, as they caressed each other with the confidence of two people who had been lovers for a long time, each one knowing what the other liked ... even as she enjoyed the physical sensations he awakened in her ... the need she felt was different. The arousal seemed unimportant. Abby wanted to be close to him, she couldn't get close enough. He couldn't hold her tightly enough. She wanted him inside of her because that was two people being as close together as they could be. Two bodies joined.
The intensity of her feelings frightened her a little, even as she surrendered to them. She'd never felt like this before. Could this be what love was all about? The love she'd never felt before? Abby pushed the thoughts away. Better to not analyze her feelings too much. Better to just let them be.
She pulled his lips from his again for a moment ... looked into his eyes. "Now ... please ..." she murmured. And he smiled at her, but something in his eyes, some reflection of her own emotions ... her own need, her own fear ... made her tremble a little.
---------
Luka was asleep. They still held onto each other, wrapped in each other's arms. Her head rested in the curve of his throat. They fit together perfectly, she thought. Despite the difference in their sizes, their bodies seemed to be made for each other. Each curve, each hollow a perfect match. Like two pieces of a puzzle. Luka's hand still rested in the small of her back, her leg was still thrown over his.
They hadn't wanted to separate. When they were done, neither had wanted to move. He'd just whispered her name again, kissed her again, held her a little more tightly, and then fallen asleep.
He'd said her name many times, and she his, but besides that, they hadn't talked. There had been nothing to say. Their bodies had said it all.
Abby suddenly remembered back ... a little more than two years ago. Their first time. She had gone to his hotel room, knowing he was in pain, and hoping to be able to help. 'You don't have to talk,' she had said, and he hadn't. She had offered herself to him, let him find healing in her touch, in her body. Helped him to remember ... or, perhaps, learn for the first time, that love and life were more powerful than death and pain.
She had given herself to him, and he had taken her, with a passion and a hunger that she hadn't understood. It had frightened her. But now she did understand; it was the same need that she had felt tonight. The need for touching, for closeness, for healing. A need that transcended desire, had nothing to do with passion. Even love. She had felt it tonight, and so had Luka. Two lost souls, floundering, in pain, afraid. Finding what they needed in each other.
There had been a little moisture around Luka's eyes as he'd clung to her. She had thought it was pain and fatigue ... it was too soon, even their rather slow and gentle lovemaking, lying side by side, had been tiring for him. But now she realized that the tears had flowed from the different source. The same source as her own tears.
Abby settled closer into Luka's arms, wiped her eyes. With her head resting against his shoulder she could hear his heartbeat, and the quiet sound of his breathing. Closing her eyes, she let them lull her into sleep.