Abby looked around the apartment and shuddered a little. She still didn't want to be here; would have given just about anything to not be here. But the movers wouldn't pack her stuff, and they wouldn't take it to the storage facility unless she was here.
So here she was. Packing up boxes of books and pots and dishes to put in a suburban storage shed. Tossing spoiled food from the fridge. And putting clothes and papers and valued possessions into grocery bags to take to Luka's.
They weren't living together. They hadn't talked that far ahead. But she knew she wasn't coming back here, so why pay another month's rent for an apartment she would never inhabit again? Wherever she eventually ended up, it wouldn't be here.
It had been three days. And three nights. They still slept together, held each other. But that was all. 'I'm not quite recovered from last night,' Luka had said the next day, softening his words with a smile. 'I'll let you know when I'm ready.' And he'd kissed her and gone to sleep. Which was fine with Abby. She wasn't really ready either. That night had been therapeutic ... healing .. for both of them, but she knew they shouldn't rush into anything more. They'd rushed into it the first time, and that had been a mistake. They'd take it slow.
Abby sealed up a box and glanced at her watch. Nearly noon. She should call Luka, check that he was ok. She'd been uneasy about leaving him alone and, in fact, he'd offered to come with her. But she had refused. "You wouldn't be much hellp," she had told him. 'You'd just be under foot." But it was more than that. She didn't want him here. She wasn't sure how she would react to being here, and if she fell apart (and she had ... just a little ...) she didn't want an audience.
A knock on the door. That couldn't be the movers already. They weren't due until 3, and besides, they would have rung the bell downstairs. Abby surveyed the mess in the living room and sighed. She hated moving. Which was probably why she'd come back here the first time. It was easier than packing and moving all her stuff.
"Who is it?" she called.
"It's Ralene!"
Abby struggled to her feet, dusted herself off, and opened the door. "I'm kind of busy, Ralene."
A bright smile from her soon-to-be-former-downstairs-neighbor. "I thought I heard your stereo playing. It's been ages since you've been here. I'm glad ...." Ralene stepped into the apartment, not waiting for an invitation and looked around. "Oh Abby, are you moving?"
"I told you I was."
"Yeah, but I didn't think you meant it."
"I can't live here anymore." Abby's voice was firm.
"You won't be any safer anywhere else."
"It's not about being safe."
"Then what?" Ralene took a pile of books from the couch and dropped them on the floor, then sat down.
Abby just shook her head. "I can't explain it. Just be glad you don't understand."
"You found something nice? A new apartment?"
"No, not yet. I haven't looked." Abby began to pack another box.
"So where are you ..."
"I'm still staying with Luka."
"Oh!" Ralene's eyes widened. "Wow."
"It's not like that." Somehow Abby didn't feel like trying to explain. She wasn't ready to try to explain it to anyone, and definitely not Ralene.
"Oh, really?" Ralene looked dubious.
"Yes, really. I just don't want to pay another month's rent if I don't have to. Luka still needs me there to help him for a few more weeks. I'll put my stuff in storage and start looking for a new place so when he's ready to manage alone, I'll be ready to move."
"Where is he now?"
"Home. He wouldn't be much help, he's not up to physical labor yet." She gave Ralene a pointed look. "He's not strong and healthy like some people." Grabbing another stack of books from beside Ralene, she began to fit them into another box. She'd never realized how much stuff she had.
Ralene frowned. "How long is this going to take?"
"Movers are coming at 3 to take most of this to a storage place in Arlington Heights. Susan's coming around 7:30 to help me bring the rest of it over to Luka's."
"And he's going to be alone all that time?" Ralene's eyes widened.
"I'm calling every couple of hours, He's fine."
"He still shouldn't be alone Abby, and you shouldn't have to be stopping your work to call all the time. Why don't I go over there? I can look after him, make his meals, make sure he's ok."
Abby looked up quickly from her work. Ralene was smiling again, but that was usual for her. Besides that, it was hard to tell what she was thinking.
"I'm sure you have better things to do with your afternoon."
"No, I don't. I'm not working today ... it was a use-it-or-lose-it vacation day. I'd help you pack, Abby, but I'm really no good at that sort of thing."
Abby sighed and looked around the room again. She had a ton of work to do in the next three hours, and she wasn't going to get rid of Ralene any other way. And she was right. Luka really shouldn't be alone this long. If this would kill two birds with one stone ....
"Fine. Go on over. Make sure he takes his meds at lunch and dinner, and at bedtime if I'm not back yet. And don't let him sit too long. He needs to get up and walk around every hour or so. And call me if anything worries you. Don't let him put you off."
"He's better, isn't he?"
"He's getting there, yeah."
Ralene stood up. "Ok. I'll see you later. Around 9, probably?"
"Yeah, somewhere around there." Abby grabbed a couple of bags of clothes. "Here, take these with you, would you?"
As soon as the door closed behind Ralene, Abby took her cell phone from the table and dialed Luka's number. It rang. And rang. On the fifth ring the machine picked up and Abby felt panic start to rise in her as Luka's recorded voice spoke. "Hi. I'm not home right now ..." Then a click and the same voice again, "Hello."
"God ... you scared me half to death, Luka!"
"Sorry. I was in the bathroom. I'm fine, Abby."
"Lonely?"
"A little, yeah." She could hear the smile in his voice.
"Well, you're in luck. I'm sending you company."
"Who?"
"Ralene."
"Oh Abby ... no ..." A groan this time.
"She's harmless. And you really shouldn't be alone all day."
"I don't need a baby-sitter. What's going to happen?"
"You know what can happen. Anyway, you're stuck. She's on her way over already. She wanted to help, Luka. She's been so much help to me already, and I just couldn't tell her no. Give her a chance. She really is nice, just takes getting used to."
"I'd rather not get used to her, but ok. If it makes you happy."
----------------
Abby looked around the apartment. Empty now except for a dozen or so boxes and bags of clothes and papers and stuff. It would be nice to not have to wash and wear the same few changes of clothes over and over again.
Everything else was now comfortably in storage, and she just had to wait for Susan to show up. 'You just love me for my car,' Susan had joked.
Abby sat on the floor and leaned against the wall. She was tired. It would be good to get this finished and go to bed. She reached over to tie the top of the nearest grocery bag. A packet of photographs poked out the top and, on impulse, Abby took it out and began to look through them. Pictures from last fall. Carter. Her and Carter. Eric and his girlfriend. And yes, one of Luka. She didn't remember taking that one. It was from the Christmas party. Someone else must have picked up her camera and taken it.
Abby found herself studying the picture. The expression on his face. The pain in his eyes. How could she have missed it? Even then she had considered Luka a friend, so how could she have not seen it? 'You don't look happy,' he'd said to her that night. He hadn't been happy either, she'd known that. But she hadn't realized just how unhappy. The whispers around work, the gossip about his private life. She'd done her best to ignore it. Maybe to avoid having to face just how unhappy he was. How unhappy she had made him.
The next picture. Carter and Eric. The night they'd all gone out to dinner. The night Eric had begun to spiral downward. She'd missed that one too. Three men in her life, and she'd failed all of them in one way or another.
She was a nurse. She worked with people every day. She knew how to 'read' people. It was such an important part of her job, at least as important as being able to take a blood pressure or start an IV. The ability to sense when something was wrong. To hear what her patients were really telling her, beyond the words they spoke. And to act on what she learned. She hadn't done that for Eric. Or Luka. Or Carter. Or even herself. Was she too close to these people to have seen what should have been obvious? Or had she just not let herself see it?
It was too late for Eric. She didn't know where he was now. It was too late for Carter .... the year he had wasted with her was a year he could never get back. And for Luka? For herself? Who could say.
"You ready to go?" Susan walked through the open apartment door.
"Yeah. Can you get all this in your car?" Abby quickly replaced the packet of photos and tied the bag shut.
"I think so. We may have to tie you to the roof, but it should all fit." A smile. "So, I was right?"
"About what?"
"My radar. You and Luka."
"I don't know," Abby admitted. "I still don't know ... things are still kind of weird right now."
"My life should be so weird."
Abby laughed, more at the look on Susan's face than at her words. "What do you mean?"
A shrug. "In the year and a half since I've been back, you'd just broken up with Luka after a long relationship, had another long one with Carter, and are now back with Luka again. In that same time period my relationships have consisted of a two month ... relationship ... with Carter that would have made a nice junior high romance novel for all the passion it generated; a 'marriage' where we were together for less than 2 days, and which will be over as soon as the annulment papers go through, and a teenage boy with testicular cancer."
Abby stared. "You and Sean ..."
"No! No!" Susan laughed again. "He did kiss me once though." She looked down and shook her head. "I'm jealous. What can I say?"
"Don't be jealous. Celibacy has it's good points."
"Oh yeah? Name one?"
"It's much less complicated."
"That's true." A sigh. "Come on. Don't want to keep Luka waiting."