Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it.
But my love for you is like a sinking ship
And my heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean. (Heart Like a Wheel – Anna McCarrigle)
A sound. Not loud, certainly not louder than Ralene's groans of pleasure just inches from his ears. But a familiar sound. It penetrated Luka's consciousness, but before he could register that it was the sound of a key in the lock, he heard the door open. And then a deafening silence.
Abby and Susan stood in the doorway. Neither said a word but, after a moment, Abby dropped the bags she was holding, and the sudden sound made Luka jump. And if looks could kill, he knew that he and Ralene would both be beyond resuscitation. Silently he moved Ralene off his lap. He couldn't think of anything to say, anything that would make the slightest difference.
Finally Ralene reached down and grabbed her shirt and held it in front of her. "You said you weren't going to be back until 9," she said.
"Yeah ... well ... we're a little early. Get out."
Ralene shook her head. "I thought we'd be done before you got back. I'm sorry if I embarrassed you."
"Get. The fuck. Out." The words were brittle, but Luka sensed that there were tears behind the anger.
"I don't know what you're so pissed off about," Ralene said, sounding angry herself now. "Seems damn selfish to me. I mean,you aren't ..."
"Now!" Abby snapped.
More slowly than necessary, Ralene pulled her shirt on and buttoned it. "It was fun, Luka. Maybe another time."
"Yeah." Luka kept his eyes downcast, so as not to see Ralene's body, or Abby's face.
Ralene strolled to the coat rack and took her jacket from the hook as Abby finally left the doorway and took a few steps into the apartment.
"I think you forgot something?"
"What?"
"Your underwear."
"Oh yeah. Sorry." Coolly, Ralene came back to the couch. "Luka, could you hand me...?" Luka just shook his head. Why wouldn't she just leave?" Bending down, giving Luka one last look down her cleavage, Ralene picked up her bra and stuffed it into her pocket. A quick smile for Luka, then a hurt look for Abby. "I still don't get it, Abby. You said you weren't interested in him." She pushed past Susan, still standing in the doorway, and was gone. Susan stepped into the room and pulled the door shut behind her.
Luka took a deep breath, He picked up his own shirt and slowly turned it over in his hands. "Abby ... nothing happened."
"Nothing? That was nothing? Oh, right. Of course. You were giving her a free breast exam. How thoughtful of you. Interesting technique though. I've never seen a doctor use his tongue before. I'm sure if we'd walked in 10 minutes later we would have gotten to see you giving her a pelvic. I can't imagine what that would have been like!"
Susan suddenly cleared her throat. Luka looked up for an instant, to see her fighting a smile. "Look ..." she said after a moment. "I'm sure the two of you have a lot to talk about. I'll go get something to eat. Abby ... call me when you want me to bring the rest of your stuff over ... or take you somewhere. I still have a couch, you know."
"Yeah, sure ..." Abby said softly, and they both waited silently until the door had opened and shut again, and they were alone. "What were you thinking?" Abby snapped. "Were you thinking?"
"She came on to me ... " Luka stammered. He couldn't tell her the real reason. That he'd wanted to hurt her. It didn't make sense now. How could he have ever wanted to hurt her?
"And you couldn't tell her no? God ... I thought you had a little more ..." Abby trailed off and shook her head. Wiped suddenly at eyes that were suddenly wet, then continued more quietly."If you didn't have a little respect for me, couldn't you have a little for yourself?"
"No." The word came quietly. "I don't. You know me, Abby. You know who I am. Luka Kovac, the handsome foreign doctor who'll screw anyone. I fuck patients' mothers in closets, I pick up hookers in bars." A bitter smile. "It is possible to have sex in the front seat of a Viper... did you know that? Takes practice, but I've had a lot of it. Blow jobs are easiest, of course, but anything is possible if you're flexible ...and imaginative."
"Luka ..." Abby said softly, but Luka went on relentlessly.
"This is who I am. This is what I am now. You don't want someone like that ... you do deserve better."
"No, Luka, that's not who you are. That person isn't you. I know you."
"Do you?"
"That wasn't you. That was a stranger ... a person in pain ... trying to find a way out ... trying to find ... something to numb the pain a little."
"Well ... maybe I'm still in pain."
"I know." Abby whispered. After a moment she went on, "But I thought we were ..."
Luka interrupted suddenly. "Did you tell her that?"
Startled, Abby stared at him. "Tell who ... what?"
"Did you tell Ralene that we weren't together?"
"No!" Then a pained look, and a flush crept over her cheeks. "I guess ... yeah ... I did." Then quickly, "But you knew we were."
"Why did you tell her that? You're ashamed of me ... of us." It wasn't a question. Of course she was.
"No, not at all."
"Then why?"
"I don't know. It just ... didn't seem like it was any of her business. I'm probably never going to see her again. If I'd said we were a couple, she could have started asking a lot of questions ... grilling me for details ... she's like that. I didn't want to get into it. It seemed easier to just lie." She shook her head. "But .. God, Luka, I never thought you'd take it as an excuse to ... what were you thinking?"
"What am I supposed to think? I don't know what's going on with us. One minute you're saying you want to make it work, then suddenly you're telling people we aren't together. You sleep in my bed but you're still talking about finding an apartment. One minute you're my lover, the next minute you're my nurse ... my friend ... I need to know where we're going. I need to know what you really want. If you don't think you can be with ... someone like me ... I understand, but we need to come to some sort of agreement."
Abby sighed, finally sat down beside him on the couch. "I don't know. I still don't know what I want. But it has nothing to do with you. It's not about you ... your ... past. It's about me ... my own feelings. I don't know what I'm feeling, and I'm scared to delve too deeply into them. I don't know what I'm going to find.
"I told you once that I've never loved anyone. That's still true. Or maybe I have ... but I don't know what it feels like, so I don't recognize it as love. Maybe I did love Carter ... maybe I ... love you ... but I don't know. I just don't know what love is. Maggie loved me. She still does. But she's hardly a good role model, is she? And Brian ... he loved Joyce, and look where it got them."
"You don't think that I'd ever ..."
"No! Of course not. I'm just saying that I don't have any good examples to go on. Your parents ... they loved each other, right?"
"Yeah, they did. My mom died 2 days before their 40th anniversary."
"And Danijela ... your kids ...I know how much you loved them. You had your parents who loved you ... and each other. I had Maggie, and a father I barely remember. You had Danijela ... I had Richard, and a marriage that was a disaster from start to finish. You had your children ... I had an abortion. I was too scared to even try and have a child."
Abby wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I don't think I could ever love like that. I can't give you the kind of love Danijela gave you ... and I know you'd always be wanting that. I know that I can compete with Ralene ... and win hands down. I can compete with all the hookers, and the one night stands ... but I can't compete with Danijela."
"You don't have to. I'd never ask you to. I loved Dani ... and my children. I still do. But I also love you. They're dead, Abby, and I'm trying to move on. I've been trying for so long ..." Luka took her hands, touched her for the first time all evening. He saw a flicker of pain in Abby's eyes, but she didn't pull away. "I don't expect you to be Danijela, to love me like Danijela. I just want you to be Abby ... and love me like Abby."
"But that's just it. I don't know how."
"Give yourself a chance to learn. And let me ..." Luka hesitated. "Let me be the one to teach you."
A sudden laugh through the tears. "God, Luka ... you sound like a harlequin romance."
"Your fault if I do. Did you actually read any of those books you gave me?"
"Are you kidding? I don't read that crap. But the hospital gift shop isn't exactly Barnes and Noble. Not much selection."
"Well, romance novel or not, I do love you, Abby."
"You expect me to believe that ... after tonight?"
"I'm sorry. I was wrong ... so wrong. I was angry ... hurt. What you said to Ralene hurt me ... I wanted to hurt you back ... or maybe prove to myself that I didn't deserve you. I don't know. It was all so confusing." He ran his tongue over his lips nervously, and suddenly remembered Ralene's kisses, the feel of her skin beneath his lips. After a moment he went on, "And Ralene made me feel ... like a man again. Not like a patient ... someone to be pitied, taken care of."
"Have I been doing that?"
"Yeah, you have. Maybe you didn't realize it."
"I told you I wasn't good at this relationship stuff. But you said you weren't ready ... I didn't want to push you."
"Maybe a push was what I needed. Though I know you probably aren't ready yet either."
"I am." A smile. "Maybe I just needed a push too. Though I'd rather it hadn't been this one."
"So, I'm forgiven then?"
"Yeah. It was my fault too." She squeezed his hand.
"You should probably call Susan, tell her to bring the rest of your stuff over, and that you won't be needing her couch tonight."
"Susan can wait," Abby said softly, and leaned over to kiss him. Luka's arms went around her automatically. No hesitation, no discomfort. She belonged in his arms. A long, slow kiss.
He started to undress her, and murmured in her ear, "No hurry, I suppose. You won't be needing your clothes tonight," and Abby laughed. When she was naked he looked at her for a long moment ... God, she was beautiful ... then rose and took her hand to lead her to the bedroom.
Susan would be waiting a long time, he thought. They were going to take a long time; take it slow. Abby liked it slow. He knew that. And so did he.