A.N. ok, i didn't go to bed, i was just bored and mad at my computer. so, i decided to update twice in one night for lack of having nothing else to do. sorry if it doesn't make any sense, because i'm half awake while typing this.
Chapter 10 Talking and Memories
The next morning, Sirius awoke at the same time, but didn't get out of bed this time. He just lay staring at the ceiling. Considering Sirius had an unnatural fear of the dark, Sirius had left his drapes open and let the moon shine in from the window.
Remus still wasn't back from seeing his sick mother. It seemed rather convenient to Sirius. He just...left. No warning, just a hurried explanation before running off. That just...didn't make sense. Remus Lupin was up to something, and Sirius Black was going to discover what that was, even if he had to torture him. Well...that might be going a bit far.
"Are you awake Sirius?" a groggy voice came from one of the beds. There had only been three Gryffindor first year boys. All the others were either in a different house of a girl.
Sirius sat up as an answer to James. James was sitting up in his bed, looking straight at Sirius. When he saw Sirius returning his intense stare, James turned his head away and stared out the window.
"You know, I was thinking about what you said. About me...and how I don't even acknowledge your prescense. Well...I guess that's kind of true. I mean, I still want to be your best friend, but...what would everyone think? I guess it actually is getting to me. Not very many people like you Sirius. The Slytherins hate you because you're a Black and in Gryffindor. Everyone else dislikes you immensely because you are a Black. I...I do have a reputation to maintain, and I don't want to be feeling like this. I'm trying to stop thinking in such a selfish way, because we've only been here a day really. Still...I don't know, Sirius. I really don't know."
Sirius sat while James fell silent. Was that it? Was Sirius's handicap so... horrible that not even James really wanted to be his friend in public? "No," thought Sirius sadly,"the reason he doesn't want to be seen with me is because I'm a Black. No one will like me because of my family. James knows that I'm not like them though...what's going on? Maybe he doesn't want anyone to know that we live together.
Sirius sighed and looked up to see James staring at him. It was the weekend so neither of them had to get up to go to classes.
James said, "I want to be your friend, it's just that when I see you sometimes...my thoughts aren't nice towards you sometimes. Sometimes I simply see you as a mute Black kid, and I hate that. I don't know why I suddenly am right now because you've been living with me for the past two years. I guess now I get to hear all of the things that people say about your family. It's a bit odd having you talk about your family because all you can ever get out is how much you hate them. And..."
"You're confused," said Sirius, not knowing what else to say. Sirius was in fact feeling betrayed. James had just confessed to wanting to cut back on their friendship.
"Sirius, you are my best friend. I don't care what I'm feeling at this immediate moment. I don't care how many other friends I have or their ability to speak and your... muteness. I don't care about any of your many flaws. I just...I want to be your best friend. I wish you would become friends with Remus. Just...forget about everything that I have said sense you woke up. It made no sense. Life doesn't make sense, you know that mate?"
Sirius nodded and James got up to walk over to Sirius's bed. He sat down on the edge of it. "So, what do you wanna do today?"
"How 'bout explore the castle and then the grounds and then the forest and then find a way to make our prank work."
"Do you think Remus will be back today?"
Sirius shrugged. "I have no idea." And with that, Sirius got up and walked into the bathroom, leaving James alone with his thoughts about his friend.
In the bathroom, Sirius was taking another pill. There was almost an urgency now. He had to be able to talk and shout and whisper. With Remus around, James's attention would have to be divided. James was the only one who could really understand him.
"I'll just have to talk to Remus about it," thought Sirius as he then got out a tooth brush and brushed his teeth. Pulling out a brush next, he quickly straightened out his black hair and then exited the bathroom.
James looked up when Sirius came into the room. "You're turn, mate," said Sirius, gesturing towards the bathroom. James noticed his scarred wrist. Although they were only 11 years old, Sirius had always felt like he was making people around him suffer, making him a very depressed boy at times. It wasn't until Sirius had been disowned when he realized how good pain felt when you had nothing to lose. He had taken a razor to his wrist at the age of 9. Luckily, Sirius had been found out immediately and the Potter's had been able to stop the profuse bleeding because Sirius had pushed harder than he meant to.
James would never forget what he saw that one day, entering his bedroom to see Sirius sitting on the floor by his bed with a razor in his hand and blood spilling from his slashed wrist. The thing that had disturbed James the most was the expression on his friend's face. It was one that a madman might have after doing something really sick. It was a look that said Sirius was lost.
James had helped Sirius through that hard time and although it wasn't spoken about any longer, Sirius remembred just as well as James did.
Sirius remembered finding the razor and staring at it in fascination. He remembered how cold it felt against his wrist. He remembered how scared he had been at first of cutting and how he started to enjoy it. He remembered the gushing blood from the self-inficted wound. He remembered James panicked look as he screamed for his parents to come help him. He remembered blacking out and then waking up to see James staring at him.
It was kind of odd that both Sirius and James were thinking about the cutting escapade at the same moment, but not surprising. The two boys shared everything. That included thoughts sometimes as well.
Sirius sighed and looked at his hand and wrist. He hadn't cut himself since he had been discovered, but...it had felt good when the emotional pain seemed to great. Well, the emotional pain was getting pretty heavy. It wouldn't hurt if he just....just once maybe...or twice. Sirius shook his head angrily. He shouldn't be thinking like that. Sirius sighed. This was one of the many trials that he would have to face without James's help. Still....Sirius remembered the feel...and it felt good.
Making up his mind quickly, Sirius rumaged around in his bag and found something sharp. Hesitating very slightly, he quickly made four little red lines in his wrist. As he finished, James opened the door and glanced at Sirius, smiling slightly. Sirius gave his best fake smile in return and then pulled the sleeve of his shirt down as he hid his knife. James didn't need to know. Sirius would stop, but for the moment, the pain felt good. It felt real good.
*********
A.N. do i have to boost up the rating to pg-13? i wasn't planning that at all, it just...came to mind. anyways, in case you can't tell, i really don't have a clue about cutting. i never have and never will. that was the best i could do without any actual experience in such matters. anyways, please review and God bless you. next chapter will be up soon.
Chapter 10 Talking and Memories
The next morning, Sirius awoke at the same time, but didn't get out of bed this time. He just lay staring at the ceiling. Considering Sirius had an unnatural fear of the dark, Sirius had left his drapes open and let the moon shine in from the window.
Remus still wasn't back from seeing his sick mother. It seemed rather convenient to Sirius. He just...left. No warning, just a hurried explanation before running off. That just...didn't make sense. Remus Lupin was up to something, and Sirius Black was going to discover what that was, even if he had to torture him. Well...that might be going a bit far.
"Are you awake Sirius?" a groggy voice came from one of the beds. There had only been three Gryffindor first year boys. All the others were either in a different house of a girl.
Sirius sat up as an answer to James. James was sitting up in his bed, looking straight at Sirius. When he saw Sirius returning his intense stare, James turned his head away and stared out the window.
"You know, I was thinking about what you said. About me...and how I don't even acknowledge your prescense. Well...I guess that's kind of true. I mean, I still want to be your best friend, but...what would everyone think? I guess it actually is getting to me. Not very many people like you Sirius. The Slytherins hate you because you're a Black and in Gryffindor. Everyone else dislikes you immensely because you are a Black. I...I do have a reputation to maintain, and I don't want to be feeling like this. I'm trying to stop thinking in such a selfish way, because we've only been here a day really. Still...I don't know, Sirius. I really don't know."
Sirius sat while James fell silent. Was that it? Was Sirius's handicap so... horrible that not even James really wanted to be his friend in public? "No," thought Sirius sadly,"the reason he doesn't want to be seen with me is because I'm a Black. No one will like me because of my family. James knows that I'm not like them though...what's going on? Maybe he doesn't want anyone to know that we live together.
Sirius sighed and looked up to see James staring at him. It was the weekend so neither of them had to get up to go to classes.
James said, "I want to be your friend, it's just that when I see you sometimes...my thoughts aren't nice towards you sometimes. Sometimes I simply see you as a mute Black kid, and I hate that. I don't know why I suddenly am right now because you've been living with me for the past two years. I guess now I get to hear all of the things that people say about your family. It's a bit odd having you talk about your family because all you can ever get out is how much you hate them. And..."
"You're confused," said Sirius, not knowing what else to say. Sirius was in fact feeling betrayed. James had just confessed to wanting to cut back on their friendship.
"Sirius, you are my best friend. I don't care what I'm feeling at this immediate moment. I don't care how many other friends I have or their ability to speak and your... muteness. I don't care about any of your many flaws. I just...I want to be your best friend. I wish you would become friends with Remus. Just...forget about everything that I have said sense you woke up. It made no sense. Life doesn't make sense, you know that mate?"
Sirius nodded and James got up to walk over to Sirius's bed. He sat down on the edge of it. "So, what do you wanna do today?"
"How 'bout explore the castle and then the grounds and then the forest and then find a way to make our prank work."
"Do you think Remus will be back today?"
Sirius shrugged. "I have no idea." And with that, Sirius got up and walked into the bathroom, leaving James alone with his thoughts about his friend.
In the bathroom, Sirius was taking another pill. There was almost an urgency now. He had to be able to talk and shout and whisper. With Remus around, James's attention would have to be divided. James was the only one who could really understand him.
"I'll just have to talk to Remus about it," thought Sirius as he then got out a tooth brush and brushed his teeth. Pulling out a brush next, he quickly straightened out his black hair and then exited the bathroom.
James looked up when Sirius came into the room. "You're turn, mate," said Sirius, gesturing towards the bathroom. James noticed his scarred wrist. Although they were only 11 years old, Sirius had always felt like he was making people around him suffer, making him a very depressed boy at times. It wasn't until Sirius had been disowned when he realized how good pain felt when you had nothing to lose. He had taken a razor to his wrist at the age of 9. Luckily, Sirius had been found out immediately and the Potter's had been able to stop the profuse bleeding because Sirius had pushed harder than he meant to.
James would never forget what he saw that one day, entering his bedroom to see Sirius sitting on the floor by his bed with a razor in his hand and blood spilling from his slashed wrist. The thing that had disturbed James the most was the expression on his friend's face. It was one that a madman might have after doing something really sick. It was a look that said Sirius was lost.
James had helped Sirius through that hard time and although it wasn't spoken about any longer, Sirius remembred just as well as James did.
Sirius remembered finding the razor and staring at it in fascination. He remembered how cold it felt against his wrist. He remembered how scared he had been at first of cutting and how he started to enjoy it. He remembered the gushing blood from the self-inficted wound. He remembered James panicked look as he screamed for his parents to come help him. He remembered blacking out and then waking up to see James staring at him.
It was kind of odd that both Sirius and James were thinking about the cutting escapade at the same moment, but not surprising. The two boys shared everything. That included thoughts sometimes as well.
Sirius sighed and looked at his hand and wrist. He hadn't cut himself since he had been discovered, but...it had felt good when the emotional pain seemed to great. Well, the emotional pain was getting pretty heavy. It wouldn't hurt if he just....just once maybe...or twice. Sirius shook his head angrily. He shouldn't be thinking like that. Sirius sighed. This was one of the many trials that he would have to face without James's help. Still....Sirius remembered the feel...and it felt good.
Making up his mind quickly, Sirius rumaged around in his bag and found something sharp. Hesitating very slightly, he quickly made four little red lines in his wrist. As he finished, James opened the door and glanced at Sirius, smiling slightly. Sirius gave his best fake smile in return and then pulled the sleeve of his shirt down as he hid his knife. James didn't need to know. Sirius would stop, but for the moment, the pain felt good. It felt real good.
*********
A.N. do i have to boost up the rating to pg-13? i wasn't planning that at all, it just...came to mind. anyways, in case you can't tell, i really don't have a clue about cutting. i never have and never will. that was the best i could do without any actual experience in such matters. anyways, please review and God bless you. next chapter will be up soon.