A.N. ok, well, some people have been saying that sirius and remus are acting out of character. the way i figure it, fan fiction is about making up new personalities for characters. i don't know. i just like the idea of remus being a bit...mean at times and sirius just....i dont' know how to describe sirius right now. screwed up i guess. anyways, i'm sorry if you don't like the personalities i've given them, but...it was an accident to be quite honest. i really didn't mean for it to end up the way it did, otherwise the rating would be higher. but, there you go. so, i'm sorry if this insulted anyone, although i didn't try to do that either.*sighs* i'm just....confused. i'll bet you are too. i'm sorry.
Chapter 11
Weeks had gone by and Sirius continued to cut himself with an insane pleasure. He knew it wasn't normal for people to inflict pain on themselves, but it made the emotional pain easier to bear. It made it easier to ignore. He knew that if James found out, he would freak out.
Oddly enough, Sirius almost wanted James to notice. It was an odd feeling, but at least if he noticed, then Sirius would know for certain whether or not James still wanted to be his friend. In fact, ever since that talk with James, while Remus was gone, he felt a void in his heart almost.
It was morning and Sirius had come down to breakfast before James did. Sirius had been eating for about ten minutes when James came down and sat down next to him. Sirius looked up and gave him a small smile and continued to eat. James looked at him slightly worried, suddenly realizing that Sirius was never has happy as he used to be. In fact, he hadn't been for about a month. He quickly shook off the feeling though and began to eat his breakfast.
Sirius, however, wasn't really eating. "Doesn't he even notice?" he wondered as he picked at his food. "Something's wrong, and he doesn't even notice?"
James didn't really notice and breakfast passed by quickly and in silence. When both boys were done, James turned and looked Sirius straight in the eye. It was then that he realized something was wrong. He knew he had seen that look before in his friend's eye, but when had it been? What had been happening? He shook that off too as just an insane feeling.
James gestured for Sirius to follow him to their class, Potions with Professor Jade. Remus was, once again, visiting an ill relative. Sirius and Remus still hadn't really become friends, but they weren't so...hostile to each other anymore.
Sirius walked slowly, surprising James. Sirius was usually so filled with energy, so it was kind of shocking when he was tired and...lazy almost. Now James knew something was wrong, but what?
James was interrupted from his thoughts when Sirius suddenly fell over into him, surprising James. It was then that James noticed how pale he was, how sickly his eyes were. Although they had made eye contact mere minutes ago, James hadn't really been searching for something. Now he was. It was almost with a desperateness about him that James searched his memory for the same expression on the mute boy's face.
It hit him. Suddenly. Like a bolt of lightening. Nine years old. Sirius sitting on the floor by his bed. Blood. Everywhere. Pale Sirius. Sick look. Desperate, sad, tired. No energy.
Now understanding what was wrong with his friend, James pulled up the boy's sleeve to make sure he was correct. Sirius was too weak to stop him. The sight that met James's eyes made his face go pale. Sure enough there were several thin red lines on Sirius's arm.
"Oh crap," muttered James and quickly began to walk in the direction of the hospital wing. Sirius weakly attempted to protest about being dragged away, but James was stronger than Sirius and held him tight.
"Come on, you're going to the hospital wing. Why did you do this again? I thought you were over your family. Is it because of what I said a month ago? When did you start? Why didn't you tell me something was wrong? What happened?"
Sirius absorbed all of James's questions without replying, although he couldn't even if he had had the answers. Sirius was starting to see black around the edge of his vision and his body was beginning to feel heavier.
James was on the brink of panic. Although Sirius wasn't bleeding, he had still lost a lot of blood over the weeks in which he had been cutting himself. James wanted to kick himself for not noticing Sirius's depression earlier. He should have realized something was up when Sirius didn't want to eat a lot, when he spent an excessive amount of time in the bathroom, when he noticed that Sirius seemed to only wear long sleeved shirts.
"James," a voice called out behind him, sounding slightly worried. James recognized it as Remus, but didn't stop his jog to the hospital wing.
"James," Remus called again, running up to the two boys. When he saw Sirius his face blanched and he glanced at James with a nervous expression on his face. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," came James's hurried reply as he started dragging Sirius down a flight of stairs. "Just go to class and tell Professor Jade that Sirius and I are at the hospital wing. I'll explain things later."
"Um...ok." Remus ran of to class and James continued to hurry to the hospital wing. James silently hoped that Sirius would start to help him. Sirius didn't weigh much, due to not eating much, but he was still heavy enough to be a great burden to James.
"Come on, buddy. You gotta help me out a bit," pleaded James as he half dragged half carried to the hospital wing. Sirius seemed to comprehend him and attempted to carry his own weight. It didn't work out well, and James ended up carrying him again.
After what seemed like forever, James threw open the door to the hospital wing and hauled Sirius in.
"Mr. Potter!" screeched Madam Pomfery, not seeing Sirius. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in class! If you're hurt because of another prank gone wrong I'll-"
"No, Madam Pomfery, you need to help Sirius. He just collapsed against me on the way to Potions. He's...he's been cutting himself," interrupted James, urgency showing in his voice as he tried to keep from going hysterical.
"Mr. Black...? What the-oh my gosh. He's been cutting himself?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Oh my word. Mr. Potter, please help me get him over here," urged Madam Pomfery and carefully picked up Sirius, who was almost unconscience.
Once she and James had the injured boy on the bed, Madam Pomfery promptly shooed James out of the hospital wing, telling him to go to class.
James did so, only because he had nothing else to do. As he walked to class, millions of questions floated around in his head. There was one question that stuck out more clearly than the other ones. Why?
***********
A.N. how was that? i still don't have a clue what i'm writing about, just to warn you all. hmm...do you think this could be considered angst? hmm. anyways, is there anything you would like to see in later chapters? if so, please tell me. i'm just a big jumbled confused mess in my brain, so any help would be nice. muchas gracias. review, por favor.
Chapter 11
Weeks had gone by and Sirius continued to cut himself with an insane pleasure. He knew it wasn't normal for people to inflict pain on themselves, but it made the emotional pain easier to bear. It made it easier to ignore. He knew that if James found out, he would freak out.
Oddly enough, Sirius almost wanted James to notice. It was an odd feeling, but at least if he noticed, then Sirius would know for certain whether or not James still wanted to be his friend. In fact, ever since that talk with James, while Remus was gone, he felt a void in his heart almost.
It was morning and Sirius had come down to breakfast before James did. Sirius had been eating for about ten minutes when James came down and sat down next to him. Sirius looked up and gave him a small smile and continued to eat. James looked at him slightly worried, suddenly realizing that Sirius was never has happy as he used to be. In fact, he hadn't been for about a month. He quickly shook off the feeling though and began to eat his breakfast.
Sirius, however, wasn't really eating. "Doesn't he even notice?" he wondered as he picked at his food. "Something's wrong, and he doesn't even notice?"
James didn't really notice and breakfast passed by quickly and in silence. When both boys were done, James turned and looked Sirius straight in the eye. It was then that he realized something was wrong. He knew he had seen that look before in his friend's eye, but when had it been? What had been happening? He shook that off too as just an insane feeling.
James gestured for Sirius to follow him to their class, Potions with Professor Jade. Remus was, once again, visiting an ill relative. Sirius and Remus still hadn't really become friends, but they weren't so...hostile to each other anymore.
Sirius walked slowly, surprising James. Sirius was usually so filled with energy, so it was kind of shocking when he was tired and...lazy almost. Now James knew something was wrong, but what?
James was interrupted from his thoughts when Sirius suddenly fell over into him, surprising James. It was then that James noticed how pale he was, how sickly his eyes were. Although they had made eye contact mere minutes ago, James hadn't really been searching for something. Now he was. It was almost with a desperateness about him that James searched his memory for the same expression on the mute boy's face.
It hit him. Suddenly. Like a bolt of lightening. Nine years old. Sirius sitting on the floor by his bed. Blood. Everywhere. Pale Sirius. Sick look. Desperate, sad, tired. No energy.
Now understanding what was wrong with his friend, James pulled up the boy's sleeve to make sure he was correct. Sirius was too weak to stop him. The sight that met James's eyes made his face go pale. Sure enough there were several thin red lines on Sirius's arm.
"Oh crap," muttered James and quickly began to walk in the direction of the hospital wing. Sirius weakly attempted to protest about being dragged away, but James was stronger than Sirius and held him tight.
"Come on, you're going to the hospital wing. Why did you do this again? I thought you were over your family. Is it because of what I said a month ago? When did you start? Why didn't you tell me something was wrong? What happened?"
Sirius absorbed all of James's questions without replying, although he couldn't even if he had had the answers. Sirius was starting to see black around the edge of his vision and his body was beginning to feel heavier.
James was on the brink of panic. Although Sirius wasn't bleeding, he had still lost a lot of blood over the weeks in which he had been cutting himself. James wanted to kick himself for not noticing Sirius's depression earlier. He should have realized something was up when Sirius didn't want to eat a lot, when he spent an excessive amount of time in the bathroom, when he noticed that Sirius seemed to only wear long sleeved shirts.
"James," a voice called out behind him, sounding slightly worried. James recognized it as Remus, but didn't stop his jog to the hospital wing.
"James," Remus called again, running up to the two boys. When he saw Sirius his face blanched and he glanced at James with a nervous expression on his face. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," came James's hurried reply as he started dragging Sirius down a flight of stairs. "Just go to class and tell Professor Jade that Sirius and I are at the hospital wing. I'll explain things later."
"Um...ok." Remus ran of to class and James continued to hurry to the hospital wing. James silently hoped that Sirius would start to help him. Sirius didn't weigh much, due to not eating much, but he was still heavy enough to be a great burden to James.
"Come on, buddy. You gotta help me out a bit," pleaded James as he half dragged half carried to the hospital wing. Sirius seemed to comprehend him and attempted to carry his own weight. It didn't work out well, and James ended up carrying him again.
After what seemed like forever, James threw open the door to the hospital wing and hauled Sirius in.
"Mr. Potter!" screeched Madam Pomfery, not seeing Sirius. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in class! If you're hurt because of another prank gone wrong I'll-"
"No, Madam Pomfery, you need to help Sirius. He just collapsed against me on the way to Potions. He's...he's been cutting himself," interrupted James, urgency showing in his voice as he tried to keep from going hysterical.
"Mr. Black...? What the-oh my gosh. He's been cutting himself?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Oh my word. Mr. Potter, please help me get him over here," urged Madam Pomfery and carefully picked up Sirius, who was almost unconscience.
Once she and James had the injured boy on the bed, Madam Pomfery promptly shooed James out of the hospital wing, telling him to go to class.
James did so, only because he had nothing else to do. As he walked to class, millions of questions floated around in his head. There was one question that stuck out more clearly than the other ones. Why?
***********
A.N. how was that? i still don't have a clue what i'm writing about, just to warn you all. hmm...do you think this could be considered angst? hmm. anyways, is there anything you would like to see in later chapters? if so, please tell me. i'm just a big jumbled confused mess in my brain, so any help would be nice. muchas gracias. review, por favor.