I'm back! I seem to say that a lot…

Chapter 9 : Away

YEAR 1482

Legolas sat alone in the gardens, leaning against a tree trunk. All around him there was silence except the rustling of the leaves as the wind blew through the branches of the trees around him. Peace and quiet for him to think, just how he liked it. Yet at times he found that it was growing too quiet.

So many of his people were leaving Middle-earth, bound for the Undying Lands. Too often did he had to bid friends farewell, trying to ignore the longing of his own heart. Not a day passed when he did not imagine the spray of the sea on his face, and the call of the gulls in the vast skies over his head. Not a day passed when he did not have fight a battle raging within. He had promised; a promise to Aragorn, and to himself. He had promised, of his own accord, to stay with his friend till the time came from Aragorn to depart. He had promised to be there to aid in any way he could. And he would never break his promise to such a dear friend.

He sighed as his thoughts turned from one desire to another. Háthien. It was always Háthien. She haunted his thoughts in a way that he hated and craved for, all at the same time. He wondered if his feelings were bordering on obsession. He wouldn't have been surprised if they were.

He had seen her, seen the way she acted. She thought that she hid it well, but he could tell that she wanted to make the crossing, wanted it to the very core of her being. The thought of the Sea and gulls affected her just as much as it did him. But she was different; she had made no promise. She owed nothing to anyone. She was free to leave if she wished it. And yet she stayed. Why?

He had asked once. Such questions were usually never asked, for such affairs where personal, private, not to be discussed so freely. She had not been offended, though, that he believed. She simply laughed and said, "How could I leave my dearest brother behind?" before excusing herself.

He gritted his teeth. He was not worthy of her suffering in this way. He could not bear the thought of her dwelling in silent agony for years, right before his eyes. He would have to persuade her to take a ship to Valinor; it was the only way. Losing her would shake him, but that was not important. What was important was that she found the peace she deserved, the peace that was waiting for her across the Sea. And he would find a way to make her board a ship.

That was his solemn vow to himself.

Longing and wishes.

Longing for peace and beauty beyond any imagination, and wishes for a love that would never come.

Háthien was torn, and she could find no rest in Ithilien any longer. The feeling that had descended upon her in Mirkwood after the War of the Ring, the feeling that made her come to Ithilien, had returned to her heart. And this time, it was urging her to cross the Sea with her people. The longing tugged at her every waking hour, and lurked at the back of her dreams.

Yet she could not let go of her wishes, her hopes. Her secret little fantasy that played itself out in her mind over and over again, until she felt that she had lived that life a million times a lifetime before, the fantasy that went on and on but was never enough. How could she sail away, knowing that Legolas would remain, and that there would be a chance she would never get to see his face again? How could she leave him behind just like that? It seemed unthinkable.

"You need to forget him," she told herself sternly. "Forget him. It is impossible, and you know it all very well. Forget your silly infatuation. How long have you clung on foolishly to this false hope?"

And still she knew that this foolishness would last.

One week later…

Legolas read and then reread the letter he held in his hand. In it he saw a chance to help Háthien, but his own selfish senses made him want to keep the letter and never speak of it with her, save mentioning the news it held of a mutual friend.

Think of her, not yourself.

With a sigh he stood up and made his way to her room, before his resolve weakened again. He walked quickly, as if each minute lost was going to cost him his decision.

"Come in," Háthien called out when he knocked on the door.

She faced him with a smile as he entered, but it faded away when she saw the look on his face. "What's wrong, Legolas? What is it?" She sat down on her bed. "Tell me."

Legolas cleared his throat and took a seat by the window. "I have just received word about Sam."

"Is he all right?" Háthien asked anxiously.

"He is fine," Legolas reassured her. "The letter was written by Elanor. Her mother passed away not too long ago, and Sam, of course, is most upset about it. He is currently living with her, but she says that he is thinking of going to the Grey Havens."

"He is going to Valinor," Háthien said quietly. Then she caught Legolas' eye, and it dawned upon her. "You wish me to accompany him? You want to send me away?"

"No, of course I'm not sending you away. But you shouldn't force yourself to stay here just for me. It's not worth it. In Valinor you will find the peace you seek. I promised to take care of you on behalf of your family, and that is what I will do. They would have wanted you to take this chance."

Her breath caught. He knew her; he knew that she could not refuse when he put it this way. Perhaps it is for your own good, she thought. It is your final chance to forget him. She tried to look up, but found that she lacked the strength to meet his eyes. She nodded. "Yes, gwador."