Violets and Emeralds
Chapter 5… seriously far past where I expected to get with this.
At this time, I am supposed to be writing college admission essays, but it's not something that is easily done at the drop of a hat. Sure, the subjects sound kind of like standardized test prompts, but you gotta think: this can help decide my future. While I know that I'm in the top half in my school, my GPA isn't the best. I have decent SAT scores (1220) and am trying to get my teacher recommendations, which, I assume will be good when I get them. But, essays. Ack. Then there're all those kids in my AP English with a GPA of, like, 4.5 because they take, literally, about four or five AP classes each year and pass them. sigh Monkey. I wanna sleep…
My parents are at my Mom's uncle's funeral right now in Mississippi. Nii-chan and I are home alone. Somehow that is awesome.
I have two dogs. One is an anal lil female doggy… and the other is also female and a big pervert with no sense of self-preservation. I also have a thing my mom gave me called a 'nohohon,' or something like that, which she pronounces as 'no-ho-han,' but spells as 'no-ho-hon,' which I now realize is a romanized palindrome. But it's this lil thing with a big head that's solar-powered and kinda rocks it head back and forth… stress reliever. It'll be my muse for the last half of this chapter. His name is Toshi.
Chapter 5Symphony
I fell asleep quickly, surprisingly enough. That seemed to happen a lot. It saved me from more emotional torture, however, so I couldn't complain.
How many more days do I have left here?
When I actually wake up and acknowledge the sun outside, it will be Sunday. That means that today is the last day I have.
I felt despair crawling into my veins as I actually 'woke up'. You don't wake up till you sit up and acknowledge the day. I sat up slowly and looked over at Malik-kun's bed. He wasn't there, which made me thoroughly unhappy, but his sheets were pulled up in such a way that made it look like he tried to make the bed before leaving. The bathroom was giving off no light and no sounds were coming from inside, so I assumed that he wasn't in there.
Oh, wait, there's a note. I picked it up and glanced over it, reading that he had gone to his house to take care of some things and would be back at the hotel by eleven. It was eight now… what would take him so long? Ah well, breakfast.
I pulled on some clothes and walked out, only to once again bump into Bakura-kun. Are we psychically connected or something? "Bakura-kun?"
"Otogi-kun?"
"Breakfast?"
"Yeah."
That was that until we reached the elevator.
"So how was your trip last night?"
"Great!" I put on a grin quickly. "Malik-kun and I went to this oasis he found when he was a kid and just sat and talked." I left out all of my revelations, obviously. I'm having problems dealing with them myself. I'm trying to push them from my mind, but it's kind of hard to do when you even dreamed about them. It's so odd that may dream had substance. Usually they're random… like being about to change everything purple. Or animé characters taking over my school bus. Or a giant alligator that I had to use a small plush toy and fishing rod to fish out of a friend's SUV. "It's really pretty out there at night. You can actually see stars and stuff, so unlike LA." I couldn't tell him that I fell in love with Malik. I couldn't, and it'll probably kill me to continue admitting it to myself. After all, tomorrow I will leave and we will cease to exist in one another's lives.
I should just forget about it.
"How is Malik-kun?" He asked.
"He's fine." I shrugged. "His sister and Rishid-san are away often, so he usually has the place to himself. He isn't going to college and he has a motorcycle. I don't know what opinion everyone has gained concerning him, but he really is a great person inside."
He nodded slowly, facing the far wall and staring at it as he nodded. "You're in love with him."
Oh shit.
I started, turning to him with my eyes wide and face reddening. Damn having pale skin! Then again, that is a Japanese trait, but that's beside the point… at least I'm not as white as Bakura-kun. Then I'd be fluorescent. Ya know, with light reflecting off? Wow, he shines like Jesus! No, wait, serious, secret-being-pried-away-from-my-cold-rigor-mortis-fingers moment! "What?"
"Am I wrong?" He asked.
I was still for a few moments before finally relaxing my body and shaking my head. "No, no. You're right." I sighed. "I don't know how it happened, but it did. I don't know why I let myself, since we're leaving tomorrow, but I did."
Bakura-kun just laughed a little. "Otogi-kun, love isn't something you let yourself do; it's something that just happens, whether you like it or not. There's no way to choose when or to whom it happens." You would know, wouldn't you?
"That doesn't change the fact that we're leaving tomorrow."
His face became solemn. "True."
There was yet another uncomfortable silence. I swear that there is an 'uncomfortable silence' manufacturing plant somewhere, and I will go blow it up or something. Create a shortage of said silences. Oh no, Economics class is haunting me. Never mind that I made perfect scores in it.
"How did you know, anyway?" Are we really psychically connected? That would be both cool and scary at the same time.
He let a gentle smile that I've seen on his face enough fall over him. "You've been acting like I was before Seto and I got together."
"How exactly did that happen, anyway?" If you ask me, they don't seem like the types who would ever talk to each other naturally. And I'm trying to push the subject away from me. I like attention, but not this attention. I want crowds cheering my name and girls screaming they love me, and spotlights shining…
And, ultimately, I want Malik-kun to be there in front of them all, smiling at me with his violet eyes shining.
A shrug was the first reply. "I started noticing him, he started noticing me, we talked every once in a while by seeming chance, and by the time winter of our senior year came around, I knew that I was in love with him." A small blush. "We professed to each other on a Tuesday, two weeks into the winter trimester. I was wearing this horrendous scarf that I can't believe that I bought for myself." His ability of memory scares me.
"And I'm acting like you did?" I may have sounded a little incredulous, and maybe I was. We are almost exact opposites in personality, by the way.
"Yes, scarily so." He affirmed.
Wait, when did we get outside? The sun is shining on me! Ow…
I sighed to myself. "Does it get any easier?"
He thought for a few moments. "I'm not sure exactly how it will be in your situation, due to all of the forces acting against you, but in my own experience," he shook his head, "no, it gets no easier. When you finally accept that you are in love, I mean really accept it with all of your heart, it hurts when you see that person and know with all of your mind that you can never have them." A small smile graced his lips. "And that is why human existence is an eternal battle between logical thought and illogical emotion."
"Why would anyone willingly put themselves through that?"
"Because if everything works out, it really is worth it. It just comes down to taking a chance. However, the negative side of the consequences can leave you hurt, blemished." Like Mai and Jounouchi. He never professed and she never turned him down, but there was a subliminal refusal in their behaviors.
"In other words, I should just stop myself from accepting it." It may be too late. Malik-kun is there and so kind, so himself that I cannot help but love him for all he is. I sound like a damn romance novel, but that is how things are ending up, isn't it?
"I wouldn't say that," Bakura-kun continued, "but just go with what you feel. There will be pain no matter what, but just do what you feel is right."
I'm usually so decisive, but now, I just want to step back and leave the spotlight. Who am I? This can't be Otogi Ryuuji, dice master and fangirls' dream bishounen. I thrive on attention from one and all. It makes me feel so good to have the eyes on me and people throwing themselves at my feet. But this me is afraid of it. It's so foreign a feeling that I almost want to run and hide from everything. I don't know what to do. I feel like I will never know.
Just tell him. A small part of my brain nags.
Oh yeah? You try telling your one and only best friend that you're in love with him. Oh, by the way, I'm a guy, too. Just letting you know.
And yet what I want to do now is fall into his arms and stay there, taking in everything about him. It's an obsessive thought. Is that what love is? Obsession? Technically, an obsession is something that occupies your mind nonstop and prevents you from doing everyday activities. I sure as hell am being prevented from normal activities—I can't even walk across the street and buy a bagel, for insert-name-of-your-deity-of-choice-here's sake!
Am I really so pathetic? I want to cry. I've never felt like this before. Not ever this depth of all of these emotions at once. It's like a peculiar orchestra is playing a symphony in my head. The bass is the underlying sorrow, the cello, nearly drowned out but in there somewhere, is joy, the viola is anxiety, the violin, playing its shrill and unavoidable notes is fear, and the harp a covered, not quite unheard smidgeon of hope…
I've hung around my orchestra friends for too long.
But I need restitution. I'm afraid that if I don't find myself back together in one piece, this thing called love will drive me insane.
I was in the lounge downstairs when Malik-kun came back. I had done an abnormal amount of thinking in that time, especially if the relation between polar bears and cheese counts.
A torrent of flaming cheese destroyed all that was holy in my life. Bet you didn't know that.
Did you know that 'hey' is actually an informal way of saying, 'you?' I devised that while I was waiting. If you yell 'hey!' to someone, that's like saying 'you!' with the motive of getting someone's attention or reprimanding or greeting. Sure, there's also, 'hey, that guy stole my wallet!' but that's an irregular, something that the English language seems to full of.
That's enough foreign language thoughts from me. Malik-kun is coming.
"Ryuuji-kun!" Ah, there's that name again. Why did my parents name me Ryuuji? It's almost 'ryuujin,' which would mean that I was a dragon person, but ah well. Instead, I'm a dragon child. I wonder if that influenced me in any way? "I'm sorry, have you been waiting?"
"Both polar bears and cheese are best when cold, unless you're talking nachos." I answered blankly.
He gave me a 'what the hell?' stare. "I'm assuming you've been here a while." He bowed in the Japanese style. "I'm very sorry."
"Nah, nah." I shook my head. "Bakura-kun and I went to get breakfast, talked, and I entertained myself by watching the local news." Really, I did. I have no idea what they were saying, but it really is amusing.
Wait, déjà vu, we've talked about this before. Bad Ryuuji!
"So, what do you want to do today?" He asked. "This is the last day of the convention, isn't it? Do you want to scope anything?"
"Did you know that I'm leaving tomorrow morning to go back to America?" I asked, interjecting my question into his. That means I get more hours of crying babies, in-flight movies, grudging attendants, and packaged salted peanuts.
He looked at his feet for a few moments. "Yeah." He looked back at my face with a look of slight desperation. "Do you think we can at least keep correspondence? Like, by email or something?"
Why not? Sure, long-distance things never work and it'll just hurt me more, but sure, if it makes you happy. So long as you're happy. "Yeah. I'll give you my email later." I stood up and pasted a happy Otogi Ryuuji copyrighted grin on my face. "I'm indecisive, why don't you choose what we do?"
"Mm?" He blinked very cat-like. It didn't matter to me, so long as I could frantically grasp onto the memories later on.
Remember children; never tickle sleeping dragons.
"What do teenagers do around here for fun?"
"Well, there is a mall, and a movie theater. We could do that." He put on a pouting expression that I've found that I love now, like everything else about him—no, no more thinking like that. "Remember, you're talking to someone that has just barely begun to live above ground, and at that, as a recluse."
"And I shall spend the rest of my time dragging you out of that." I grabbed his wrist and felt a happiness well within me. Ah shit. "Onward! We seek the grail!" I love that movie. I wonder if there are coconuts around here?
I dragged him outside and stopped suddenly, turning my head from side to side. "Where are we headed?"
Still with his wrist in my hand, he stepped in front of me and pointed to the left. "Well, everything touristy is that way." He started pulling me. I blushed when I realized that his slender wrist was falling out of my grip and his hand was being caught in it instead. I was afraid to let go, however, lest the recoil or something make me loose momentum. And so, we were two teenage guys running through the streets, holding hands, in all sense of the word. I didn't mind, or at least, my heart didn't. My mind was screaming at me to let go, lest something should happen. Emotionally, not physically.
There really was a movie theater. I don't know why I'm surprised, but I am. When I spell theater, I usually spell 'theatre.' Isn't that usually just play-acting type theatre and not the movie theater? I write movie theatre. I want to see a Broadway show sometime. Like that Lion King on Broadway. Or kabuki. That's not Broadway. Ah well.
"Mm, there's a comedy out," Malik-kun started looking at the choices, "and a drama, a horror… sorry we don't seem to have much selection."
"Are they in English or Arabic?" I asked.
His eyes widened. "Um, I think Arabic…" He looked apologetic and I felt like giving him a hug. No, bad Ryuuji. "But they should have subtitles…"
"Then that's fine!" I grinned. If I start laughing during the middle of some dramatic scene, I'm terribly sorry. "So, what genre?" I'm not in the mood for comedy. I wonder if I radiate vibes. I'm a vibe radiator! Whee! Feel my radiating vibes!
"Comedy?"
Okay, so I'm a gimpy vibe radiator. I broke.
"Maybe." I answered. Want to just skip the movie and find a dark alley somewhere? Or better yet, a room?
BAD! No, bad, bad Ryuuji! Pervert! Ah!
"What horror movie is it?" I asked instead.
"I don't know." He shrugged. "Do you want to see it?"
"I guess; if you don't mind." I pulled out my wallet and started counting out some bits of local currency.
"Let's go." He grinned adventurously and I almost melted. "Unless you're afraid." Oh, he didn't just challenge me. Sudden solidifying of self. Or congealing, if you wish. It's all Norman-French to me! 1 Ah hah, I'm funny.
I grinned as well, but with more of a dangerous edge. "You wish. I accept your challenge." I reacted physically without thinking. "Have at you!"
"Ah!" He yelped and flinched back.
Oh my, I just poked him in the stomach. Seems he's ticklish. Or something. Hey, I could feel some muscle in there. The other people I do that to tend to just be skin and bones. Maybe I'll do that to Bakura-kun—no, Kaiba-kun will appear above my bed that night with a scythe. I'll be dead the next morning.
What's with me and Kaiba-kun killing people in a horror film way?
Ah, I hate scary dead girls. The movie reminded me of 'The Ring' that I saw in America, as well as 'Ringu' in Japan, the movie that the American 'Ring' was based off of.
Of course, I couldn't very well concentrate on the movie because I was sitting there the entire time, only half looking at the screen. Malik-kun had been doing pretty much the same as me. You know, we've both lived through things scarier than this! Why are we afraid of a movie screen?
The highlight of the movie for me, however, was when there was a big American-style horror scene with the loud noises and stuff and Malik-kun and I both jumped at the same time. We ended up clinging to each other, despite the arm of the chair between us. Of course, neither of us knew what we were doing at the time, but when we did realize we parted suddenly and stiffly, apologizing to the other.
I wouldn't mind that happening again…
No, Ryuuji, give up, remember? Save yourself some pain, ne?
I've noticed that Japanese horror movies and American ones have different types of horror. American horror focuses on scary scenes, blood, loud noises, actual sensational horror. Don't get me wrong, it can be damn scary, as can be seen from what just transpired. Japanese horror, however, seems to focus on psychological horror—stuff that will stay with you, even outside the theater. Sometimes they turn familiar things into things that scare the crap out of you after seeing the movie. While American horror manipulates your senses, Japanese horror plays with your mind.
"What time is it?" Malik-kun asked after we both had a slight calming-down period, something I know I needed.
"About two-thirty in the afternoon." No Ryuuji, it's two-thirty in the morning. Insert a mental rolling of the eyes here.
"No wonder I'm hungry—it's past lunchtime." He thought for a few moments. "Want to go back to my place?"
"Sure." I answered, no thought going into it. It wasn't until we had begun walking that I realized how much seeing his place might hurt me. I may just be a little paranoid, but even if I am, the more I immerse myself into is life, the more it will hurt to pull away, turn my back, and walk onto that plane home.
Do I even want to go home anymore?
Yes, yes I do. It's an impossibly romantic notion that I would want to leave home forever just to be with him. Romantic both in the sense of love-romance and of genre-romance, which, despite being named as such, may have nothing to do with the emotion of love. If something is a romance, it doesn't have to have couplings in it. It has conflict, it has plot, it's basically a shoujo manga, but love isn't a requirement. This notion of leaving home and never coming back is romantic in both senses. It wouldn't be able to happen.
I must separate myself from him tomorrow. This is my last night with him.
This is my last night with him. If I want to get something out, I need to now!
No, you can't say anything. It'll only hurt worse.
Worse than never professing? Hah, thanks for the laugh.
What if it was mutual? You'd still be on the plane tomorrow, leaving this and everything behind.
Oh crap, plane, souvenir. Need souvenir.
"Ne, Malik-kun?" He looked back at me, both of us still walking. "I still need to pick up a souvenir later. Can we do that after lunch?"
"Sure." He smiled. Each time he does that, it hurts and becomes harder and harder to imagine myself walking away tomorrow. I, only yesterday, prided myself on making him smile so much. But now it's just coming back to hurt me each time. I do like making him smile, and I guess as long as he's happy, it's okay.
'So long as the one I love is happy, I'm happy.' Tomoyo-chan from Cardcaptor Sakura said that once. She was in love with her best friend, who loved someone else. Though she loved her, she helped her get with that third person.
I don't know if I could ever be that strong. Hell, I don't know if I'm even strong enough to walk away.
Nyah-hah! I found it! The perfect gift that will make my short little Japanese-speaking, Egypt-obsessed female American friend not kill me for not communicating with her for the past approximately three days!
I hold in my possession now a miniature statuette of Set, the evil Egyptian god of chaos and whatnot—her favorite of the gods.
"You do know that he represents death and destruction, right?" Malik-kun asked.
"Yep!" I answered in a singsong voice, causing him to dart his eyes around as if he didn't know me.
"And that is what you're getting her?"
"Pin-pon! Correct! For some odd reason, Set happens to be her favorite." Of course, 'Set' and 'Seto' are a lot alike, spelling-wise. Wonder if I should tell Bakura-kun that? Hey you, your boyfriend's the Egyptian god of all that is evil! No doubt Kaiba-kun would hear that and, well, kill me, if he's done with that guy from the panel discussion, that is. It can take so long to find out where to hide the pieces of the bodies…
"Ryuuji-kun." Malik-kun held out his hand, a chain falling from his fingers.
"Hm?" I blinked a couple of times before he took my hand and placed the chain in it. I blushed as he removed his hand, allowing me to see the silver ankh that he had placed there. "Malik-kun?"
"It's the ankh necklace that I bought the first time I came to the surface after my father died. The ankh is an ancient symbol that represents life and unity, among other things." Yes, I know that.
"But you sound as if it means a lot to you—why are you giving it to me?" My eyes lowered in an embarrassed way.
I could tell that he was smiling from the way he kind of snorted a chuckle. "Because you're my first real friend that I don't consider a family member." I felt his hand land on my shoulder, making me raise my eyes to his. His violet eyes stared down those centimeters at my own emerald-colored eyes that I was always so fond of. How does he see them, I wonder?
Kami-sama, I want to kiss him. The feeling is so strong now that I am exerting great self-control to keep myself from doing so. Just… reach up those few centimeters and pull his face down to mine…
"Thank you." I whisper. Is it just me or have I gained split-personality disorder on this trip? Me, myself, and the little idiot who sometimes controls my body and finds every little damn thing as serious. "I-I'm sorry I didn't bring you something." I stop and think for a few moments. Finally, I think of something and pull my own necklace off from around my neck. It represents our store, kind of, granted, and doesn't have as much sentimental value as I believe his gift did, but it's the best I can do on short notice like that.
He looked at it as if seeing it for the first time. Finally, he smiled once again and said, "Thanks." He slipped the chain over his head. "We have something to remember each other by now."
"I don't think I'd easily forget you, anyway." Well, not unless someone forcefully made me, like… a drug or something like that. You never know what any government is doing on the inside (granted, I could probably find out with my mad computer skills). Or maybe if Kaiba-kun did beat in my head or something like that for comparing him to Set. That wouldn't be fun. Neither would the first option, but what are you going to do?
"Yeah." Malik-kun agreed to my verbal comment. I wonder what he calls me in his mind? The same thing as he does verbally? I am exercising even more self-control in not calling him just 'Malik' in my mind. If I call him that, the idea of possibilities may leak into my susceptible mind like a virus. Viruses aren't happy and fluffy, unless your one of my female shounen ai fangirl friends who calls shounen ai a 'happy, fluffy virus.' They scare me sometimes.
The time is passing too quickly. I don't like it. I wish time around the world would just stop so that I could stay here forever and miss nothing. But I can't, now can I? The polar bear and cheese would never forgive me.
Heh, deep-fried Oreos would kick their asses.
But leaving Malik-kun feels like it will be the most difficult thing in the world for me to do—even more than moving from Japan to America back then. I had no emotional ties, really, since I moved enough anyway. But here I have a tie, despite that it's been only, what, about four days?
I slip the chain holding the ankh over my head and stare at it against my chest. Highlights of light show up quite well from the glinting sunlight. It's almost mesmerizing.
I want to tell him that I love him so badly. However, that would lead to eternal torment in some way, shape, or form. So therefore I must make it so that only I suffer and carry my burden, putting on a smile when I actually want to beat the crap out of a punching bag or something. Maybe work out in the gym a little back at the college.
"What do you want to do now?" Ah, the eternal question. I usually have a good answer, but now I have to think. I don't like thinking because it hurts sometimes. Ah well.
"Do you think we can just ride on your motorcycle?"
"Anywhere in particular?"
I shook my head. "No, just to ride. Just… to feel it."
The scary thing is, I am actually typing the random thoughts as they come, no long pauses to accommodate them. '
I am very proud of myself for writing on this. I feel productive… kind of. Now add in that I am actually keeping up with my ranging from 30-40 pages of AP English reading per night and I feel rather achieved. Let's just not get into my Economics homework, which I still have to do.
It's fun poking people in the stomach. They usually yelp… and then if it's the pretty bishounen that I used to like in my English class, they threaten to stalk you. shudders
1 The English language, over time, began as a combination of Anglo-Saxon and Norman-French. The Anglo-Saxon words are the small, usually one-syllable ones. Very basic words. The Norman-French words, however, are generally the more complex words. It had to do with when the Norman-French people took over England. All my notes are at school. But when the Norman-French took over, the Anglo-Saxons were servants. An example of language integration is: When a deer was out in the woods and stuff, it was called 'deer' because only the Anglo-Saxon people dealt with hunting and cooking it. When it arrived at the table, however, since it was more than like a Norman-French table, it became 'venison,' which is the word for deer meat today. Also, cow vs. beef and pig vs. pork.
I like randomly saying that big words are "all Norman-French to me" because it's true and most people expect that I mean some foreign language. So I get a big secret laugh at them.
The Canterbury Tales are very difficult to read on your own. I like reading them aloud in groups. Especially when the pretty bishounen from my English class throws his shoe at me and I use it as a pillow.
V-chan told me that I do good characterization. I feel proud. Took me five minutes to realize what she was saying, but ah well.