It was one of those dull days when absolutely nothing would happen. You would spend your day drinking coffee or having small talks through the fire with your friends or lovers. The day of Jane McVigor started just like that. In the morning she would read her morning paper, the Prophet (probably something about Harry Potter) and after that she whould apparate to the Ministry of Magic for her desk job. She was the announcer of the felephone... I mean the telephone booth. She would greet all the visitors and wish them all a good day.
She knew that her job was a bit dull but she needed the money. So, on one evening when something actually happened, she missed it all.
She was sucking a sugar quill happily and enjoying her quiet evening when she heard a voice urging someone to dial the number 6-2-4-4-2.
'Welcome to the Ministry of Magic. Please state your name and business', Jane said, and waited.
'Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger', there was a pause and she prepared to deliver their badges, but then the voice continued.
'Ginny Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood… We're here to save someone, unless your
Minister can do it first.'
'Yeah, like that old stupid man would do anything', Jane thought before saying: 'Thank you. Visitors, please take the badges and attach them to the front of your robes.' And then she pressed the button and the telephone booth started to move.
It was about an hour later when she heard voices from the booth again.
'What was the number we were supposed to dial, Lucius?' a female voice asked.
'How the hell should I know, woman? I don't use these kinds of things', a male voice Jane assumed to be Lucius said tiredly.
'Could you squash a little? I don't think I will be able to fit in', another male voice whined.
'Oh, shut up, Avery and get your bony arse in!' Lucius snapped.
'My arse is not bony! And how would you even know? Been looking, haven't you?' Avery smirked.
'How about 2-6-6-9-2-7-7?' the woman asked.
In the controlroom, Jane wrote the code on a parchment and started to break it.
'Nah, doesn't sound like it. What about this:' 4-2-9-2-5-5-8-4-3-9-2-9?'
'Too long', Lucius said.
Jane was almost done with the codes, just couble of seconds and she would be...
'For the love of Merlin!' Jane shouted and pushed the button by accident which sent the Death Eaters screaming down towards the Atrium. 'These days' people. Haven't they ever heard the word 'magic'?' She screamed and looked the paper where the codes where written in her curly handwriting. How could anybody think that 'bony arse' or 'gay all the way' could have been chosen to be the passwords?
43 minutes later...
'Yeah, and then he said it wasn't my fault. That it was his and that it had nothing to do about IT'',
Miranda, Jane's friend, said through the fire with tears in her eyes.
'What a pig! I'm so glad you dumped him. He wasn't worth it', Jane said hotly.
'You are be…' She didn't get to say anything else because again there was somebody dialing different combinations in the phone booth.
'Argg… What the hell is it! I don't have time to think clearly. I have to save my godson from Snakeface and sacrifice myself so that Harry can become depressed and suicidal. Think, Sirius, think. Ooh, what about 4-5-4-5-3-4-8-3-6-4-4-9-7-8-9-5-3?'
'Damn! Didn't work! What now… Okey, this will be it, 7-7-2-6-5-6-3-7-3-6-8-7.'
But when nothing happened, Sirius finally lost it and started to hit the device and because of that accidentally found the right buttons.
'Welcome th…' Jane said before Sirius interrupted her.
'Hello who is that?' Sirius asked and hoped that the voice wouldn't recognize him.
'I'm the announcer of the Ministry of Magic's telephone booth. Now please state your name and business.' Jane said.
'Um...hhm...yeah my name...Susiri...McBlack...Yeah thats me', said Susiri.
'I thought you called yourself Sirius a moment ago', Jane asked sounding suspicious.
'Ah...yes...well that was my imaginary friend', Sirius said laughing nervously.
'Oh, of course. But what an earth are you, Susiri, doing here at this time of the night? And why would you think that the Ministry would use something like 'I like it doggy style' or 'Spank me Remus' for a password?', Jane inquired rolling her eyes as she stared at the parchment she'd just scribbled on.
'Well, I'm here of course because I wanted to visit the Ministry. What is wrong with those codes, they are perfectly true', Susiri said like that was the obvious asnwer.
'Why didn't you come by daylight?', she almost sreamed.
'Well you see me and Sirius, my imaginary friend, have a very sensitive skin. So I try to avoid sun light so that my milky white look would still be sexy in the morning', Susiri crawled thinking fast.
'Oh, I know what you are talking about. I have had this horrible acne for years. Would you happen to know anything that could help me with that, Jane asked blushing a little for talking to a stranger about her pimples.
'Oooh well...try to use avocadopaste. That should probably help. But I'm kind of in a hurry because of the sun and all so could you let me in now?' Sirius asked nicely and smiled when the box started to move.
1 minute and 2 seconds later...
'Why oh why can't you live me alone!' Jane screamed when she was interrupted for the third time that night.
Now there were four people trying to find the right combination. Why were all these people here? Doesn't anybody sleep anymore?
'Remus, stop crying. Sirius will be fine. Won't he, Kingsley?' An eager woman's voice asked.
'Naah… He is going to get himself killed and Potter depressed and cuicidal', Kingsley said airily, and started to push the telephone's buttons. After hearing this, the man who must be Remus started to sob and whimper madly.
'Now, let's see what we can do about these buttons', Kingsley said but before he could even touch them Remus had pushed his way to the device.
7-4-7-4-8-7-2-6-3-7-3-6-8-7-4-3-8-3-7
Jane copied the numbers and...
Remus waited for a moment after dialing the numbers then started to cry again.
'Faith is against me and Sirius. I'm never going to have sex with him again. This is not fair!' he wailed.
'What if you tried another combination?' an older man's voice said, a little bit worried for his friend.
Remus sniffed dramatically and started to press again.
4-5-4-5-3-4-8-3-6-4-4-9-7-8-9-5-3-8-6-6
'Oh this is cute. They must be lovers. 'I like it doggy stile too' and 'Sirius and Remus 4-ever', I wonder if this Remus knows about Susiri?'Jane mused after Remus had dialed his combination.
Nothing happened. And you can all deduce what Remus started to do.
Jane was watching this with tears in her eyes. This was so romantic and hot. She couldn't possibly be the one who separated them from each other. So with no hesitation she pressed the button again and let the visitors go, only this time without their badges.
Jane was wiping her tears when there was somebody at the booth again.
'I hope Cornelius hasn't changed the password. It would be the most treasonable', a wise old voice said.
Jane was certain that she had heard that voice before but she just couldn't place it.
'Now, let's see… How about 5-3-6-6-6-3-7-6-7? Well, Cornelius is definitely going to hear about this. Well, we'll just have to try again. 9-4-4-9-9-4-6-4-9-6-7-6-7. Yes, I'm getting a little bit old. But this shouldn't be that hard. One more try and after that I'm going to save my Golden Boy.'
Jane listened this old man rolling her eyes. St' Mungo was down the street. Why were all these lunatics camping here? With pity in her eyes she let the old wizard enter. What could she say? She had a soft spot for goofy old men.
26 minutes from the goofy old man with Lemon Drops and Whizzing Worms...
'What the hell issss thissss!' somebody hissed in a way that caused Jane's hair to stand up. Should she put a sign into the phone box? 'St' Mungo down the street, not here!' Well, she could think that later, for now she had to serve the customer.
'Hmm… I don't think Luciussss ssaid anything about little buttonss', the icy voice said out loud.
'Well it can't harm me if I jusst pressss a couple of thesssse, now can it.'
4-5-6-8-3-5-6-4-6-6-9-3-3-7-7
4-9-2-6-8-8-6-6-3-7-7-9-5-6-4-6-6-9-3-3-7-7
6-8-4-4-5-3-7-7-8-2-4-3-9-3-7-8-5-3
5-8-2-4-8-7-7-8-4-4-4-8-2-7-7
While the weird hissing continued Jane started to break the codes. What Jane found out was something she would never had assumed. This friend of Lucius had a liking on Johnny Depp and appararently he wanted to marry the actor. Apparently the hissing person had also some hidden grudges agains muggles exept 'J.D'. So when Jane watched the time after a while, it was now 46 minutes from the old goofy man and the 'stranger' was still going on.
'Arrrrrrg, ssssssshhhhh, syyyyssssssshaaaaaas! Siahsiahsssssssssiiiiiiiiiiis! Sohosohosuuuuuuuiiiiiiih syyyyyyyysysysssssshhhhhhhhs!'
And translated in English with Jane's UFO/parseltongue translator(sold out after Harry Potter's secont year at school): 'I wanna get in, I wanna get in! I'm going to tell Lucius that you are bullying me! I will kill you if you don't let me in now! I have golden boys to make depressed and suicidal! Old mould-ears to hide and vital prophecy allure to my hands. I'm a busy man DAMNED!
Oh my God! She had just made a horrible mistake! Cornelius always said to let important people in directly. 'No delays my dear Jane. No delays. My days are busy with all the sucking of Lu...NO DELAYS!' Cornelius had said.
With the speed of Firebold directed by Harry Potter she pressed the button and hoped that Cornelius would have time from his suckings for this very importand person.
And so there went the hissing man sreaming bloody murder!