"He's not taking it well," Barclay murmured on the third day he was out of intensive care.
He looked much better, Ryo decided. The IVs were gone, he was on semi-solid food, his skin color was no longer so close to a corpse, and his eyes had taken on a much more lively expression.
"No," Ryo confessed.
He was sitting in one of the visitor chairs of the private room. The first visit had been awkward, but now it felt normal. Their relationship had changed a lot in the last weeks and months. Ever since the awakening of Dee's powers and the revelation that Ross Barclay was an ally. Both men had grown, Barclay had allowed Ryo glimpses that he had never dared to hope, and they had found themselves talking more than just ally business. At work, the relationship was the same: superior and subordinate. Barclay represented the same cool, distanced front both men were used to. But now Ryo knew what lay behind that façade.
Ross Barclay sighed and shook his head, looking tired. "He will never accept it," he murmured, sounding fatalistic.
"No, that's where you're wrong. He has changed, he does worry, but so much has happened to him lately, he doesn't know how to handle you stepping into his life as more than a superior he doesn't want to like."
Ryo gave Barclay a fine smile. Whatever his reply might have been, it was cut off by a new visitor. Bethany walked into the room, giving the two men a wide smile.
"Hey, Ross," she greeted her brother and kissed his forehead. She turned and gave Ryo a bright smile. "Ryo, honey, how nice to see you here."
And with that Ryo was hugged. His eyes widened in surprise and embarrassment, and it didn't help that he could see the smirk on Barclay's face.
"Uh, hello, Mrs. Moore."
"It's Bethany, Ryo. We're practically family, okay?"
"Uh... Bethany," he repeated dutifully, stunned by her warm approach.
"How are you, Ross?"
"Fine. Can't complain, except that I want to get out of here."
"Well, I talked to your doctor and he said if everything's proceeding as nicely as it does, you can leave by the end of the week." She patted his hand. "Do you need anything?"
"No, not really." Barclay smiled a little. "Have I told you how thankful I am you came?"
Ryo felt awkward listening to the private conversation, seeing the soft expression on the blond man's face.
"I should go," he murmured.
Bethany turned to him and frowned a little. "Ryo, please... don't leave because of me. It's okay."
"If you're sure. I mean..."
Bethany touched his arm and rubbed it gently. "I am, Ryo. I'd like to get to know you, too."
And Ryo stayed.
Dee sat on the daybed, gazing out of the semi-circle window into the night. The apartment was dark and outside, only a few lights dotted the darkness. Some of the lights moved; cars. In the distance, the tall skyscrapers formed a beautiful line against the smaller houses, their windows alight wherever people still worked.
Ryo stopped me from attacking Harding.
Somewhere someone was honking insistently and Dee automatically searched for the source without finding it. There was a siren in the distance, then silence again. One of the pipes gave of a little clonking noise.
Ryo used the shield to cut off my casting.
His own shield had simply interrupted his attack and controlled him. Him, the shaman. The paranormal part of this pairing.
Ryo, who had no powers of his own.
Ryo, who drew his powers out of him.
Ryo, gentle and tender and soft Ryo.
His partner.
And he had control.
Dee shivered a little and rested his chin on his lower arms, which in turn lay on his knees. His back was resting against a mountain of pillows.
He had never thought it possible that the shield, the passive part of this pairing, could pull such control. Could wield it! With just a little twist, Ryo had used what was supposed to be there to protect Dee against attacks to keep someone safe from Dee's powers.
Harding had deserved to die. He still did.
Ryo's in control, a soft voice whispered in his head.
And it scared Dee more than he could ever confess.
All his life he had controlled what was going on around him. All his life he had been on top, had been the aggressor, had never let anyone dominate him or tell him what to do. He had taken advice, but he hadn't taken control lightly.
It had translated smoothly into his sex life. He was dominant, he was on top, he called the shots.
Until Ryo, a new voice reminded him.
He had tried his usual methods with the new guy he had set his sights on, but something had gone wrong. Where other objects of his affection had fallen for his charms or had told him a firm 'thanks but no thanks', Ryo had thrown him in a loop. He had neither downright denied him, nor encouraged him. So Dee had taken it as a positive sign and pursued him the way he pursued his other relationships.
But everything was different with Ryo. Everything.
He didn't get the man into his bed within a few days after meeting him. He couldn't shake the feeling that Ryo was more than a fling, a rise of lust for a beautiful body. He felt safe with the man and he hardly knew him. He talked to him about his past, took him with him to the orphanage to meet the Mother, he even told him about Jess Latener. He opened up in a way he never had.
Dee rubbed a hand over his face.
Ryo had seen him at his worst, emotionally and physically, and he had stood by him. This gentle soul had proven to be as tough as steel and as soft as snow in one. Ryo had startled him with displays of affection, with gentle gestures and words, with looks that meant more than just lust.
And Dee had felt his own world unbalance.
What was it about this man that had him pursue him so doggedly, let anybody else fall and concentrate only on Ryo. In all the time, in those two years, he hadn't slept with anyone, neither man nor woman. He had been... true. Faithful.
Latener smiled wryly. Yeah, right. As if they had been married. Ryo hadn't even given him the chance to give him a climax. He had warded Dee off whenever Dee had become too forceful, had slipped back into his old habit of conquering his lovers, of showing the dominance that was so ingrained into him.
And he had let Dee continue whenever Latener had been gentle, soft, caring, slow and loving. He remembered the moment on this very couch, his head on Ryo's lap, Ryo kissing him softly, Dee's right hand buried in the soft, long strands. He remembered falling asleep and waking up to Ryo dozing, his head still on his partner's lap, and it had been the most astounding feeling.
It felt good.
It felt right.
So very good and very right.
Dee had been slow to admit that force didn't work, that overpowering Ryo would never lead to a result, and he had tried to change his way. He let his partner lead... let him control... until the day they had made love. Dee had been on top again because he knew what they were doing; Ryo had been the first-timer, the virgin. He no longer was, but Dee was the top nevertheless, even when he had bottomed.
He needed the control. He needed that little aspect even in his relationship with a man he knew would never hurt him.
Now Ryo had control in a way Dee could never hope to break: he could cut off his shaman powers, shield him inside a transparent bubble of power that was directly drawn from Dee himself.
What did it mean for him? For them? Could he live and work like this? Could he hand over part of himself, his life and soul, without at least a thing thread of a security line.
Buck's words came back to him from so long ago, burning through his mind with the same intensity they had back then.
I think love is egoistic. It's all about oneself. I love you, I want you, I need you, I want to make you happy. But what about the other one? What if I'm not the one to make him happy? What if I'm not what he wants, what he needs? Could I just step back and watch? Think about it, Dee. What does Ryo want? What does he need? And are you the one who can give it to him?
Did Ryo want that control? Had he ever actively tried to take it from Dee? Had he ever complained?
No. A simple answer. He had never tried. Ryo was his partner and he shared his life with Dee, as much as Dee shared his own with Ryo. Yes, they had adjusted to each other, but no one had been forced to undergo radical changes.
Could Dee just step back and watch Ryo have this kind of power over him? A power he couldn't take away?
He shivered a little.
He loved him. He loved Ryo with an intensity that was beyond words, beyond normal thinking, beyond logic. He desired the man, wouldn't let go of him for anything, and he wanted to be with him of the rest of his life. He was the shaman, he was the paranormal, he could wield this incredible energy...
...and Ryo drew everything he had from him. Ryo could protect him from his own foolishness --because he would have killed Harding, would have made an even greater mess of the already present problem of a paranormal attacking the commissioner and one of his detectives in the 27th precinct of the NYPD.
Shit.
Dee raked a hand through his hair.
Ryo had done what he would have if this had been an ally matter. He had helped, aided, obfuscated... kept Dee safe.
What am I afraid of? he asked himself again. I trust him with my heart, my body and my soul. I know my instincts aren't wrong when it comes to Ryo. He protects me, even against my own stupidity. He does what a partner is supposed to do.
I love him.
I trust him.
I depend on him and not just because he's a shield. That came last. Being work partners and friends came first. Then lovers. That grew together until it was one.
Now they were a Shaman Pair.
What am I afraid of for real?
tbc...