A/N: I don't own ER or any of it's characters. This story takes place during season 6 during "All in the Family." Yes, this is a Cary fic because, yes, I believe it that episode should've ended up differently. I'm a Carcy lover and if you aren't, that's fine too. Anyhoo, this is my interpretation on what should've happened. (if Kellie Martin didn't leave to complete college.) Also, all of the opening quotes are from the song State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge. Thanx for all the reviews! I'm happy to have so many loyal fans!
Cartergal131: Thanx! I really wanted to write Alex in somewhere and that moment just seemed perfect. Or at least it seemed like it would actually happen. I mena, come on! It's Carter and Lucy! They were interupted by Haleh last time.
Alicia: Wow! That's the longest review I've ever gotten! I agree with you on the Carcy charisma. The song I heard in a movie in health class and it just stuck with me. I wanted a song to go with this fic and State of Mind fit the bill perfectly. Lucy problem will surface more in Part 2. Until then, I'll be dropping hints. But I can assure you that Carter will save the day in some form. I can't say anymore. Sorry!
Chapter 11: Confessions of the Heart
"Where do I go from here?
Or am I just like a clock spinning round
Everything seems unclear"
The Psych patients weren't as bad as Lucy thought they would be, or rather she feared they would be. Lucy still had a hard time going up there and, though she would never admit it openly, she never wanted to be alone with one of the patients. She wasn't ready for that, not just yet. Lucy saw Dr. Legaspi on a regular basis, but she couldn't help noticing that she would go down to the ER a lot. She didn't understand. Whenever tests needed to be called in or files needed to be sent up to them, she always told Lucy she'd go down and see to it personally. It made absolutely no sense.
More time passed and Carter noted on Lucy's less than frequent visits to the ER. But when she did come around, she'd come and talk with him and Dave mainly, either in the Lounge, cafeteria or outside. Whenever they talked outside, she'd always have a cigarette in hand. The fact that Lucy smoked made him so uncomfortable. It just wasn't her at all. He tried to confront her about many times, to try and get her to quit. His little way of making it up to her after not helping her with Ritalin and the Alex incident. She would tell him off and assure him that she wasn't some addict on heroin or cocaine. He knew this but it didn't help matters when she knew what smoking could do to her and she did it anyway as if she hadn't a clue.
The next few months had been pretty normal. Chen, unknown to Lucy and a few of the other hospital employees, had the baby and after a few comforting words from Carter, her coach, she finally let the baby go. It had been much harder than she expected but Carter saw her through it and no one was more grateful than she was. Good news aside, Kerry had been battling Luka over calling the authorities about an illegal sweatshop employing one of his patients, which caused the owners to torch the place. Meanwhile, Peter and Cleo had gotten back together at some point and after Kenisha trashed Cleo's apartment, while hiding her from some boys, Peter told Cleo that he loved her. She was shocked to hear this news but happy about it all the same.
Carter's life had not been as blissful. A few days before he had swallowed some Vicodin and he confided in Abby. She told Carter that the best thing for him to do was to tell Kerry. He refused, of course, knowing full well that he would be fired if he did. Carter caved though and decided to tell her about his mistake after a schedule evacuation. After the evacuation though, Kerry told Carter that everyonewas pleased with the work he'd been doing and that they were very proud of him. She asked him if there was anything that he wanted to discuss. Carter just opened his mouth, unsure of what to say. He didn't want to disappoint her after she had told him that. By a stroke of luck, Abby came in telling them about an incoming Trauma. Later, when Carter and Abby were talking, he explained that he just didn't get the chance to tell Kerry. That was the last straw. Abby resigned as his sponsor. At that point, Carter decided it was best to tell Kerry. She listened and told him to keep going to the meetings while she thought of what to do. Lucy still didn't know about his addiction and nobody told her but, in all her immense knowledge, she knew he was hiding something big and doing a good job at keeping it secret since none of the nurses seemed to know. Or they weren't letting on that they knew.
In the wake of his Vicodin slip, Carter was banned from prescribing drugs. He later visited Chase at his home and admitted to his addiction. Then when Carter's date for a family function backed out on him, his first thought was to ask Lucy. But seeing as how she was still a student and the "incident" occurred, he thought it best not to. Abby, not wanting to lose her friendship with Carter, filled in as his date for the Carter family function and ended up seeing her ex-husband. He made a rude comment on her dress and she relieved her stress but relieving his car tires of air.
The hardest bit of news was that Mark had a brain tumor. Only Elizabeth knew this and they went to New York together to get the pest removed. It was decided that the tumor would be removed on New Year's Eve. No one at County knew why the two left for New York but they didn't worry much, just gossiped. Morning found that Elizabeth hasn't slept because shewas being called in for a meeting regarding her lawsuit. At the meeting, Elizabeth was told that the fault was with the equipment and that the hospital had settled the suit. She was stunned, to say the least, and upset that nothing more would be done for Mr. Patterson, but she accepted it. She wascalled to the ER and rode down in the elevator with none other than Mr. Patterson. Elizabeth apologized to him but he didn't accept it. Later, in surgery, Elizabeth became too upset to think clearly when the surgerywent sour so she told the attending nurse to get Romano and then left with Mark for home.
Mark, eventually, came back to work but mixed up his pronouns. He would sometimes refer to a male patient as a "she." Elizabeth, on the same day Mark returned, froze again during surgery, but was able to overcome her fears. Romano talked Benton into taking a job as County's Director of Diversity. Mark was still not at one hundred percent. He had trouble finding the right words and he had no patience whatsoever. Romano alerted Kerry to the problem and she ended up calling someone who could help ascertain whether or not Mark was fit for work. Mark was furious to learn about his Competency Review and Elizabeth screamed at Kerry about ordering it. Chen returned from her maternity leave and was shocked to see everyone be so supportive about her putting her baby up for adoption. Mark eventually got his Competency results: he passed.
A suicidal teenaged girl who caused a train crash a few days back had accused Dr. Legaspi of sexual misconduct. Kerry was more concerned with hiding their relationship so Legaspi dumped her. April Fool's Day caused the staffers to play pranks on each other, Dave getting the worst of them. Meanwhile, Elizabeth endured a particularly long surgery just to prove that she still could even though she waspregnant.
On the biggest day of all, Mark overcame numerous obstacles, mostly weather-related, in order to get to the church to marry Elizabeth, who was stuck with both of her bickering, divorced parents. Cleo didn't want to go to the wedding since the bride was Peter's ex-girlfriend. Abby had a major cold and couldn't leave the hospital to go to the wedding due to the fact that most of the nurses were at the wedding themselves. Many patients came in to the ER that day from an accident involving a prison van. Carter and Luka got into a pissing contest twice. First, over Carter's refusal to give up on a brain dead patient. Second, over giving pain medication to a recovering addict who didn't want narcotics. Carter couldn't believe that Abby was going out with him. They also clashed over the treatment of an injured cop and a prisoner with a dislocated shoulder.
While waiting for a flight to Vegas, Kerry, who wasn't invited to the wedding, striked up a conversation and shared a fewdrinks with a friendly man, who was definitely attracted to her. He giave her his card and number, but she gave it to a waiter. Chen started to miss her son and regreted her final decision; the impact of her actions finally hit her. Mark managed to get to the church and marry Elizabeth in front of the invited guests like Romano and the party crashers like Dave. Elizabeth, with much stress on her plate, went into labor a few months later and delivered a baby girl who she and Mark named Ella.
Lucy managed to arrive at the wedding as well, a little late and flustered, but arrived. Like Luka, she had gone head to head with her former Resident over the treatment of a patient. She believed that woman needed to go up to Pysch for further review and he didn't agree. At some point, they got to Paul Sobriki and Lucy questioned Carter's ability to make accurate choices. She stormed off, with the patient and he ended up taking an extra long break. They'd fought in front of Luka, Abby, Frank, Yosh, Malik, Lydia and the newly returned Jerry. The two of them gave the gossip mill all the fuel they needed to get a fire going when everyone elsereturned.
It was a slow day that April. A few kids came in with stomach cramps and a sore throat. Something about April made kids very sick. Lucy assumed it was the fact that the school year was so close to ending. She noticed that Legaspi never went to the ER anymore, not since the beginning of March. She didn't understand why at all and really didn't think she'd want to. Lucy was now on the roof, a place she came to more often than not since her shocking return. She never noticed it before but it was rather nice up there. A good place to hide from Kerry if anything else. Carter, silently, came up to the roof himself to think but quickly realized he wasn't alone. He stood behind the lone figure of Lucy Knight who sat facing out into the brightly lit city of Chicago, cigarette in hand. He grimaced at that fact for a second before speaking.
"It's a beautiful view, isn't it?" He asked sitting next to her. Lucy just nodded slightly.
"It is. I can see now why so much angsting is done up here: the view. It just makes everything you're going through, what you're bitching about and even your bad day so...it makes you feel so insignificant." They were silent for a moment before Carter lowered his head.
"How are your...uh, you know?" He said pointing to her neck where a scar was.
"Oh, their fine. All of them. Healing nicely thanks to you." She said smiling inclining her head toward his a bit then back. He couldn't help but smile back proudly. "What do you want, Carter?" He looked at her taken aback at how blunt she was. "Look, I know you want to talk about something and it's either to tell me something or because you want something. So, which is it?"
"How perceptive of you." He said chuckling and running a hand through his hair. "Uh, I wanted to tell you something."
"Thought as much. What is it?" She asked growing a little concerned, taking a long puff of her cigarette to calm her nerves.
"When you left last April, I...I uh, I fell into a drug addiction." Lucy coughed, choking on the smoke from her own little drug. She was shocked to hear this about Carter, her best friend. How did this happen? How is this even possible? Wait. That must be why his days were shortened and he couldn't do more than two Traumas. "Shocked?" He asked in a joking tone while she caught her breath. "You know, those things can kill you." He joked again.
"Yeah. I'm getting that." She regained her composure, taking a deep breath before continuing. "How, Carter? I mean, why? I don't understand."
"Remember how you said you started smoking because the "emotional roller coaster" you were on "that never should've stopped did?"" She nodded remembering it clearly. How can I forget? That was the first time we talked to each other in five months? "Well, same thing. You left and I really believed that you blamed me for what happened and with the stress of physical therapy and Kerry and everything…it just got to me."
"I know that feeling all too well. The loneliness, the depression, the confusion, the self-doubt, that feeling that you have to please everyone in a time limit." She listed all the things he felt like they were nothing at all, like they were things people felt everyday. "It's what drove me to my Cancer inducing pal here." She said holding up the cigarette eye level. She scoffed softly, shaking her head disappointed slightly and threw it away from her. It's light extinguished and Carter looked at her a little shocked. "I've been meaning to quit." She smiled at him and he smiled back, placing his arm around her shoulder.
"Remember the last time we sat up here like this? That seems like forever ago."
"Yeah." She sighed contently and he did the same. She felt his chest move up and down and Lucy realized that she hadn't felt this relaxed in so long. Not since before Sobriki. Not since the moment Carter had just mentioned. "I missed you, Carter. I really did. I missed this." She said half-heartedly suddenly.
"This? You mean us sitting in silence and not fighting for once?" He laughed and so did she.
"No, well, yes, but no. I missed…us." He looked at her taken aback and she just gave him a big grin. Silence fell between them again and they couldn't tear their eyes away from each other. Lucy breath became shallow and she started to become uncomfortable, as did Carter. So she stood up and started to walk away. "I've got some patients to check on."
"Let Lydia or Haleh check them." He got up and followed her. "That's what their here for." Stepping in front of her, he blocked the door from her. He stared into her bright blue eyes and couldn't help but grin like a fool. He knew it would most likely be a mistake, but he couldn't help himself. To him, this seemed like a perfect moment to lean in and kiss her. The moonlight was shining down on them, they were alone, and they could hear the faint sounds of the city streets and the hospital rush below them. So, finished wrestling with him mind, he leaned in slowly and decided to place a soft kiss up on her lips.
Lucy knew when she saw him slowly approach her that he was leaning in to kiss her and she did nothing to stop him. moved forward into his waiting arms. Her eyes searched his face and Carter stayed still, wondering what she was looking for. He gently settled his hands at her waist when she leaned her forearms lightly against his chest. Though he wanted to clasp her tightly to him, he deliberately kept his hold loose. He didn't want to startle her. This way, if she wanted to pull away, she could.
Lucy sighed suddenly and Carter knew it was a release of tension. He lifted one hand, gently tracing her soft cheek with the palm of his hand, he brushed away some strands of hair from her lovely face. Her eyes drifted shut and she leaned into his touch for a minute, then her eyes opened and she smiled at him. Carter smiled back, the expression faltering only slightly when he had a moment of doubt.
He wanted to prove, on some level, he was worthy of her affections, that he could please her as she deserved. He'd always loved Lucy, since that brief, lingering moment in Exam 6, he'd loved her. Carter kicked himself constantly for denying his feelings for her. But even more so when she went along with it. Carter had no more time to worry because lucys lips were brushing his. The first touch was light...a test. She pulled away quickly to look at him but when something sparked between them, Lucy deepened the contact, pressing her lips fully against his. Carter closed his eyes, more than willing to simply feel what was happening. As her mouth moved infinitesimally over his, learning his shape he theorized in the back of his mind. He also knew that it was wrong. But was it? Lucy was no longer his student and she'd graduate in 3 months.
Lucy hesitantly lifted one of her hands to the side of his head, gently caressing the hair behind his ear. Carter hummed his approval of the gesture against her mouth and Lucy, more confidently, sank her fingers into his hair, her other arm looping around his neck. This freed him to tighten his arms around her waist, bringing her fully into contact with his body. Her curves fit against his body perfectly, the fact that she nearly matched his height now lining them up well--chest to chest, hip to hip.
Lucy's mouth parted slightly and she pressed warm, moist kisses on his lips. Carter splayed one hand over the small of her back, massaging in small circles. His other hand moved up to cup the back of her head. She nipped lightly at the fullness of his lower lip and he groaned softly when her tongue darted out to sooth the tiny hurt. Taking the cue from her to deepen their embrace, Carter opened his mouth and slowly stroked the seam of her lips with his tongue before she opened fully and let him in. Their tongues met tentatively, swirling and tasting. Both of them learning what they and the other liked.
Carter groaned softly when they broke apart for air minutes later. Lucy smiled shyly at him, but pulled her body away from his. The urge to pull her back into his arms was not as strong as the knowledge that he was not forward thinking enough to go against the hospital rules. It was close and they had waited so long. But when Lucy pulled away she cleared her throat and looked at him almost saddly.
"We can't do this. You know that, right?" She asked hugging herself to warm herself up again. She wanted to badly to stay close to Carter, to kiss him, to feel happy. She hadn't felt happiness, true happiness, in such a long time.
"Why not? I don't care, Lucy." He said moving closer to her, rubbing his hands up and down her arms seeing she was cold. "You are not my student anymore. We can, Lucy." She had tears streaming down her face even though she made no sound. "I love you."
"No." She pulled away from him and walked toward the edge of the roof. "No, don't say that. You don't get to say that." She started to point at him angrily. "Not after everything that's happened do you get to say you..." She trailed off and put her arm down with defeat.
"What? I can't tell you the truth?" He countered her moving closer. He knew they were going to fight, he could sense it...so could she. He didn't want that, he hoped she didn't either. But it was too late, there they were. Back where they did what they did best together. "I love you , Lucy." More tears fell from her eyes and she gasped with a sob. he put his hands to her face again and wiped the tears away. She placed her own hands on his wrists and closed her eyes with a sigh.
"I...I-I love you, too." He smiled at her and she looked into his eyes. Carter's smile faded as he saw her face. It didn't show happiness or relief or even joy. Her face read guilt and regret. "I do love you, Carter. I always have. But I...I can't do this again. I can't." She took his hands off her face gently and hesistantly kissed him of his cheek. "I'm sorry." She whispered before pulling away from him. She walked back to her ice pack, grabbed him in a hurry and went ot the door. She walked as if she was going to a funeral: slow and depressed. Opening the door, she thought about looking back at him but decided not to. This is the way it has to be. I can't do it again. I can't. I just can't. before she reentered the hospital, Lucy reached into her pocket and pulled out the bottle of pills. She was almost out of Opioids. It was with a heavy sigh and much contentplaition that she opened the bottle and poured two pills into her hand. "To the devil with caution and false modesty." She mumbled randomly before throwing the pills into her mouth. Lucy cracked her neck on both sides to loosen up and shook her hands after putting the bottle back where it belonged, then continued on her journey to the noise and bustle of Cook County General.
Back on the roof though, Carter sighed deeply and felt his eyes start to well up. He searched the skies for something, unsure of what he was looking for. An anwser, a reason, a purpose? He didn't know. All he knew was that he loved Lucy and she loved him but couldn't. Carter thought her leaving killed him, but this...this was so much worse. When Lucy left, she left. She was gone, he didn't have to see her day after endless day. But now...he'd have to face her, their rocky and complex relationship and their even more complex feelings. On some level, Carter knew that they would stop seeing each other all together. After that, the nurses would start gossiping and then, somehow, they'd end up fighting...again.
Chapter 12: The Journey and the Destination
Preview: Lucy gets what she's wanted for so long.