Severus was still feeling a little crummy, but he went back to his classes. He figured he couldn't miss anymore, or he would fall behind so far that it would become difficult for even him (one of the best students in his year) to catch up again. None of the students were saying anything to him, which he was very thankful for. He couldn't imagine if he would have come back to have them asking all kinds of questions. Obviously he would have just ignored them, their questions and all, and would not have even considered answering questions which they would have asked to set the rumors straight. 'Let the rumors spread. Let them think what they will,' thought Severus. He didn't have to worry about it. He, the faculty, and the marauders knew what had really happened. That's all that really mattered
Walking in to the great hall that evening, he sat at the Slytherin table, near the very end. Though he felt eyes upon him, no one said anything to him once again. He sat himself down and began to slowly eat, though he didn't have much of an appetite. His head was pounding and there was a weird feeling pulling at his stomach. He mostly just pushed his food around his plate, not eating much. When he finally got up to leave, and go lay down in the dorm, as he was walking in the corridor leading to the dungeons, he felt someone tap on his shoulder. He didn't really feel like turning around to find who he would have to talk to, but not to be rude, he did.
It was Remus. "How are you feeling?"
Severus merely nodded to indicate that he was feeling okay. Better anyways. "Would you like to talk about it with someone? I mean, I know it's recent and you may not feel like it, but if you would like someone to talk to, that's not an adult... I'm here for you Sev. You know that, don't you?" Once again Severus gave a short nod.
Remus looked all over Severus' face, trying to read what he was thinking-- feeling. But there was nothing there that would show. He had always been like that. Finally the nagging question that had been lingering on his lips, let go. "You havn't cut any more... have you?" Severus held out his arm, and his friend pulled up the sleeve, to find cuts there that couldn't have been made more than a day ago. "Oh Sev..." cried Remus. He wanted nothing more than to be able to help his friend. He would give anything to be there when he went to cut, so he could grab and steady his hands, take the blade from him, and give him a shoulder to cry on. He couldn't imagine the pain that Severus was feeling right now, on the inside, but it must be just as bad as it had been before.
Severus finally spoke up, startling Remus. "Have you talked to James and Sirius as of late?"
"No. I havn't. Well... I did yell at them for what they had done. But that was in the corridor earlier today, in between classes. One of the teachers heard my yelling though, and took me to Dumbledore... but other than that? No." He could see the look of relief come across his face. "After what they have done to you, I will not be surprised if I never talk to those bastards ever again." Remus paused. He wanted to ask this one question... but he didn't want to drive Severus away. That's what he was most afraid of. But he needed to ask. For his friend's safety. "What have you been cutting with? Where is it now?"
Severus looked him in the eyes, and could tell that he was genuinely worried about him. It was that kind of sympathy that made him resent people in general. "A knife that I have. And it's in my dormitory right now."
"Severus... can you bring it to me... please?"
He shook his head, and pieces of black hair that had fallen from the pony tail he usually kept his hair back in, sayed. The hair stayed in his face. And he didn't bother moving it. "Why not, love?" There was no answer. Severus just looked at the floor. "Why can't you bring it to me? I don't want you to do it any more. Please. I love you. Don't do this to yourself."
"Remus.... I can't stop."
Remus' heart hit the floor, along with his stomach. This is the one thing that he had dreaded to hear. "I can't stop"-- that alone made him worry. He couldn't stop. And he wouldn't stop. He knew this. But there was really nothing that he could do.
Walking into the Gryffindor common room, there were a bunch of third years spread out across the floor, working together on what looked like a potions essay. In the corner, James and Sirius were discussing the latest Quidditch match which had been that previous Saturday-- Hufflepuff vs. Ravenclaw. Ravenclaw had beat them 310-40.
"Oy! Remus, where ya been, mate?" Remus tried to ignore Sirius' outburst, and walked to the dormitory to try and retire for the night. "I said, Remus, where ya been?"
"Leave him alone Sirius."
"Whatever. Like anyone gives a shit about that damn werewolf anyways..."
Remus tried to act like he hadn't heard Sirius' last comment. But he had. And it hurt. He used to care for that damn werewolf. But it didn't matter any more. He climbed the stairs and then collapsed onto his bed. He pulled the bed curtains around him, to block himself from the room around him. There was no one else in there, but he wanted privacy none the less.
Severus. That is all that he could think about. Severus. The pain he must be feeling was one that Remus could never even imagine. Severus. The one person in this world that he had truly given his heart to. Severus. The one person he felt it was his jurisdiction to save. Severus.
Remus climbed out of his bed, and rummaged through some of his stuff. Finally he came upon what he had been looking for. A pocket knife that he had been given from his father on the day he got his Hogwarts letter. It had been his when he had been a boy at Hogwarts. ("This here knife has gotten me out of more fixes than you can even fathom," his father had told him.) Crawling back up into his bed, he studied the knife closely. He had yet to use it. And this seemed like the perfect time. Why not?
The next morning at breakfast, Remus looked for Severus. He had to find him. He had to show him. "Oy! Severus! Over here!" he yelled standing on his tip-toes and screaming above the rest of the crowd. Severus had spotted him, and made his way over to where he was standing. "Can we talk? Please?" Severus, once again, nodded.
They walked to a far corner of the great hall. "Listen. I thought it over thoroughly last night. See, I have this knife that my dad had given me before I came here. Last night I took it. And I was going to... well... do what you did. But you know what I discovered? I am strong Severus. As are you. You don't need to cut yourself any more. Please. I am begging you. You are strong enough to get over this. You really and trully are."
"But Remus... I told you. I can't quit. I need it."
"Then I am forced to take action I'm afraid. Severus, I don't want to do it, but if you do this one more time, I will go to Dumbledore. You can't keep doing this, and go through it all alone. You just.... you can't." He reached out and put a hand on Severus' shoulder. He seemed to hear and understand him clearly, but he didn't give any sign of that. He merely nodded, and walked away. "Severus, stop." He obeyed. Remus walked up to him, and hugged him. "I love you, mate. I really do. You can quit this." He pulled away, and Severus turned and walked away.
"Remus, what the bloody hell are you doin'?!" Remus turned to see James coming at him. "Don't you touch him again." Sirius was standing by his side. Not too many students had noticed, and went on with their own business. It seemed that none of the teachers at the head table had heard or seen anything either.
"Snivelous!" hollared Sirius. He then walked up to him, when he saw that he had not turned back to look at him. He stood in front of him, keeping him from walking on. "Expect it when you least expect it." And with that, he left him.
That night, Severus sat in his dorm, on his bed, with the curtains around him closed. He didn't want to talk to anybody. He didn't want to be questioned. He didn't want to be seen. His knife sat in his hands. He considered carefully what he was about to do. But he knew that it would prove to Remus his love. He had to do it.
Carefully, and slowly, he took the knife and etched 'Moony' into his skin on his fore arm. The blood feel like a stream, down his arm. But he didn't care. The red liquid fell onto his black sheets. He didn't care. He didn't care about anything any more. But he cared about a certain somebody. Remus. He loved him. And recently he had treated him like shit. He had to prove his love to him.
When he finished, he decided that he would go find him to show him. But as he walked toward where the picture of the fat lady hung, it hit him. Tonight was the full moon. He would have escaped the castle to go to the shrieking shack.
But he needed to show him. He needed him to know. And no matter the danger he might face, he was going.
He walked down to the whomping willow. He had watched Remus from his bedroom window, do this many times before. He found the knot in the tree's trunk and pushed it in. When the tree stopped, he made his way into the secret passage way. He walked along until he came to the shrieking shack. He went inside. But before he could find Remus, he came upon a great black dog, and a giant deer.
Right before his eyes the two animals changed into two human bodies. He knew them. It was Sirius and James. Then he realized- Prongs and Padfoot. It made sense now. Over in the corner, Peter appeared. He hadn't seen what animal was in the corner, but he saw Peter come out from the dark. "Snape. What the bloody hell do you think you're doing here?"
"I'm looking for Remus."
"Looking for Remus? Here. Let me get him for you." Just then an animal Severus knew only as a werewolf from the many books he had read, came into the room. Sirius and Peter turned back into their animagus form. James remained.
The moon from the window reflected into Remus' eyes. If you could call him Remus. The gentle amber glow was gone, and was now replaced by a dark, never-ending pool, of black. This wasn't the Remus he knew.
Slowly, Severus took a step torwards him. It was at that exact moment that Remus lost control. He started for him, growling.
Severus froze, not knowing what to do. The dog and now visible rat remained off to the side, just sitting there watching. Severus could almost detect a smile playing on Sirius' lips. After a second of hesitation, James yelled out, "Severus move!" As soon as that reached Severus' ears, the deer lept in front of him, keeping between him and the werewolf who was supposedly is friend. His lover. His Remus.
Finally, Severus found his strength. He felt every muscle in his legs strain as he turned and ran as fast as he could back torwards the whomping willow. Once there, and outside of the passage way, he collapsed against the giant tree as it was still frozen.