I'm such a liar. This obviously is not the last chapter. I was having such a romance mood last night (usually I simply grab a box of chocolate and watch a movie, preferably sad, and cry into my hands.) However I figured out that there was too much pent up emotion with me and I decided to go in search of a new type of romance. Of course logically that means staying up half the night and writing a useless chapter to your story. What normal person wouldn't do that? Think of this as a further look into Helga as a person and Arnold and Helga as a relationship. Some of the minor details (and it's always the minor details) are little aspects into my own life. Romance and otherwise noted. I guess, who knows at this point, next chapter might be the last. Anyone mind if the story continues a few more chapters? I tried, so very hard, to portray Helga's more sensitive and antisocial personality. No, she not gothic, she doesn't purposely try to outcast herself, it's what happens to certain people in high school. I guess you get a little inside of Arnold's head as well. Next chapter will be a little more… life-centric, where as this is romance centric. I'll prob have the next chapter up tomorrow… we'll see if it's the final one or not ::shrugs:: I think they're might be two chapters… I'll plan it out at work (freakin' eight hours in a deserted store, my god!). I hope you enjoy :) I tried… R&R And def look forward to the next chapter tomorrow (there goes my whole I'll have it done by November theory). :-)

(I love it when you stare. How your smile suggests that you don't care. I love how you make me feel free. Just watching you, watch me.)

I laid in bed staring at the ceiling. There was two more weeks of school before our summer vacation. Stella and Miles had invited Miriam and myself to their annual beach vacation. I remember smiling when Miriam said she be delighted to go.

It had been about three months since the incident. Things were staring to get better. Whether they continued to go like that one will never know. I personally was healthier then I had been three months ago. I was now at a "healthy" weight and got more then three hours sleep at night (I'm sure the sleeping pills had nothing to do with it). I was still slightly pale but it was normal for "cases" like mine. I still felt guilty for cheating death while my sister could no longer feel the sun on her face. Life is screwy like that.

Miriam was doing pretty well herself, considering what she had been through. She begun to see a therapist and even got herself a "real" job. She kept herself busy enough not to bring up past memories but not as busy where she forgot she still had one daughter.

I guess life has a funny way of taking away the light and slowly giving you a new one.

I had decided that I was never going to get to sleep. Last night I had stayed up all night (as well) and didn't go to school. I hadn't seen or heard from Arnold all day. He was my new addiction. I couldn't go very long with out a hit of him. It's sickening. The worst part of it all was I was still backing off from the public's eyes. I knew it was driving him up the wall. The boy, on many occasions, has tried to put his arm around my waist, kiss me, hold my hand, or try and rub the base of my spine. And being the nonfunctioning normal person of the duet, I pulled away every time. I believe this sends him mixed emotions. I was afraid of losing him. I was going to have to change.

Gah. It's always the antisocial one of the group to have to change. For once I'd like to see Mr. Sunshine frown and sit in a dark corner of the room. I think Mr. Sunshine might die if he had to sit in the dark. I personally like the dark. I'm going off on a tangent, excuse me.

I stood up and looked at the alarm clock. It was one in the morning. I rolled my head back and looked at the ceiling, mumbling obscenities. What is the probability the love of my life is up right now?

Not a good probability.

I was wearing a pair of his boxers and one of my tank tops. I found a pair of sweat pants (I still can't tell if it's his or mine) and then slowly sneaked out of my house through my front door. It doesn't seem like sneaking out but it was.

I knew the neighborhood well enough to know that I was probably safer at night then during the day.

It took about ten minutes, in my sweat pants, tank top, and pink slippers, to get to his house. Like I did almost every other night I slowly began to climb the fire escape. I was stealth like a cat. At least I'd like to think I was stealth like a cat, I try to ignore the details on how I slip on the fourth step of the ladder towards his bedroom window. Every time too. You'd think I learn by now.

I eased open the window and slowly climbed in. As usual Simon was waiting a few feet from the window to be given a short pat on the head and "good boy." I ushered him out of the room and looked to see the addiction sleeping under his covers, lightly snoring. He might never know how I truly feel for him. I believe calling him my drug could only worsen the relationship.

I gently moved so that I sat at the edge of the bed. I was slightly curious to find out why he hadn't come over or called to make sure I was ok. Usually if I skip a day of school the boy is at my house five minutes after the last bell rings. I had a sinking feeling that his sudden disposition on our non-relationship relationship was my fault.

I looked down at him and smiled softly. He looked like… well he looked like Arnold. But he was my Arnold. I slowly began leaving a trail of kisses along his jaw line, finally landing on his lips. It took a few seconds but before I knew it he was kissing me back with as much passion as I had started with. I pulled away, after figuring out I had to breathe, and looked at him.

He opened his right eye first and then closed it. Then after a second or two he opened both eyes in two tiny slits. I could tell that I had wakened him from a deep sleep. Probably a good dream as well.

"What time is it?" I love the way his voice sounds after he wakes up. It's gruff and heavy. It's comforting in some ideal way.

"About one thirty." I felt myself shrug even though I was well aware he was barely coherent.

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I couldn't."

He looked at me before closing his eyes and then sliding closer to the bookshelf and giving me room to lay down. I felt his arms encircle me as I laid next to him. He was so warm; his entire body was just amazing. He kissed the side of my face and then my forehead, leaning his forehead against the side of my head. While he slept on his side I tended to enjoy sleeping on my back. I felt his breath become rhythmic against my neck.

"I love you." I whispered. He began snoring slightly, I smiled.

I was so happy tomorrow was Saturday.

(Even if the sun doesn't rise, I'll still see your face; I'll still be kept in your warm embrace.)

I woke up to something or someone leaving tiny kisses along my face. I opened my eyes and was met with the addiction's tender green orbs of comfort, staring at me.

"What time is it?" I asked, closing my eyes and leaning closer into him.

"Six."

"Why are you waking me up?" I heard the roughness in my voice. I was having way too good of a dream to have been woken up.

I suddenly felt two soft lips capture mine. I could feel him shift his weight so that he was now slightly over me, his hands moving along the sides of my body. His lips moved off of mine and began moving along my cheek, down my face, and then down my neck. I moaned slightly.

I loathe him.

"That's why." He said as his kisses trailed back up to my lips. We never went farther then trailing kisses on each other's neck. We weren't ready for anything further then that. Ok, that's a lie, I wasn't emotionally or mentally ready for that yet. I still need help in both departments.

I felt cold as he pulled himself off of me and then leaned against his pillow, staring at me.

"What?" I asked, looking back at his soft features.

"Nothing." He leaned in a bit and kissed me softly.

"Why didn't you come over yesterday?" I moved myself so that my head could lean against his chest and my arms could encircle around him. I needed to hold him.

"I had practice and then that tutoring program." Right. I forgot he had a life outside of me. I need to get a life outside of him. He kissed the top of my head. Never mind, I need to stay with my life inside of him.

"Who did you have to tutor this time?" Every month he gets a new "hopeless" student who needs to pick up their grades. I was surprised anyone still had time to recover before school ended. Must have been some hell of a hopeless student.

"Lila." He said it somewhat shakily, as if I was going to begin screaming at him and then crying about how he was leaving me. I planned on doing both of these once I was at home, in the comfort of my bedroom. Now, however, was a time to be mature.

"That's nice." I had to clench my teeth.

"Nothing happened, she just needs help with her final paper in English."

"That's nice." I said, I then figured out that I had said that before, in the exact same tone.

"Helga."

"You're allowed to tutor her." I rolled over and looked at his room. I felt his arm snake around my waist as he gently began kissing my neck. "Stop."

He stopped the kissing but tightened his grip on my waist. I felt the need to cry, but I wasn't sure why. I had a tendency to be over jealous. Yes, I know this. Maybe it's because it's Lila. Why did it have to be Lila? Anyone but Lila.

"Maybe if you would make us official, you wouldn't be so insecure." I closed my eyes tightly as his words rang inside my head.

Why could he not understand that by letting the public see me I was would be losing something? I was so use to being antisocial. Having a boyfriend gave you status in our school. With status people begin talking to you. Arnold is not an unpopular guy. I would have to be included in all social events. Why should I be punished? My god.

"Why don't you understand that I'm not ready to go public?" I asked, still facing the other side of his room.

"Why can't you understand that I can't keep playing this little… game?" His words and tone were harsh. Hasher then I was use to receiving from him. I knew that this discussion would come up. Because it came up often, except I would end it with a kiss or a swift motion of my long eyelashes. I wasn't facing him this time.

"It's not a game, Arnold. It's how I am." He let go of my waist and shifted himself so he could climb over me. He stood in front of me wearing a pair of boxers and a white tee shirt. He turned and just looked at me, no emotion, no smile, nothing.

"But why? I mean, it's been almost four months. I mean… I want all of you. I can't deal with only having the physically aspect of you."

What the hell is he talking about?

He shook his head, I could tell he was slowly losing both his patience and his temper. He turned around and walked out of his bedroom. I looked at his clock and noticed that it was already almost seven.

How time flies when you're having fun.

I got up and walked over to his window. I wasn't going to stay here. I was losing my own temper.

I wasn't sure if it was directed to him or to myself.

(Days go by and still I think of you, days when I couldn't live my life without you.)

"So, open up to him." I looked at Phoebe as if she had grown a second head. Upon leaving Arnold's house I found myself in another familiar bedroom. Unlike me, Phoebe slept alone in her full sized floor bed. I had slowly begun opening up to her after my own personal incident after the funeral. We refer to it as the darkness.

"I have opened up to him!" I said, glaring at her ever so slightly. She gave me a skeptical look and continued drinking her tea.

"This coming from a girl who had be bribed with caramel chocolates to tell me about her first kiss with the boy." I looked at her and slightly scowled.

It was good chocolate, it was expensive chocolate, you all would have done the same thing.

I slowly allowed my face to relax as I had new thoughts float into my head. What if he goes out with Lila? What if he figures out I'm not good enough for him? What if he figures out I'm a lost cause? I might lose him. I can't lose him. Oh, oh I can't breathe.

"Helga!" Phoebe said as I began hyperventilating. It seems that the addiction has added bonuses. Like even the thought of not having the addiction would cause me pain.

"I'm…fine…" I said through the deep breaths I was taking.

"Slow breaths… slow breaths." Phoebe coaxed as I calmed myself down. I looked at her and bit my lip.

"Why am I doing this to him?" I said as I placed my face in my hands.

"Because you love him, and he loves you. So you guys have a few things to work out, what relationship doesn't?" Phoebe then smiled her you know I know what I'm talking about smile and gave me a comforting hug.

Phoebe is one of those people I can never live without. Even if we only talk every other few days, I need her in my life until I die. I have to die first. I then felt bad because Phoebe and me weren't what we had once been before. Granted we were still close. And I had finally told her everything. Ok, that's a lie too, but I told her enough. I don't know whether to lock myself in my bedroom, pull another "stunt" (as Arnold so delicately put it), or to just give up. I realized all my options would lead to the same place.

"Fight for him." I looked to see Phoebe smiling a knowing smile.

We really do have ESP.

(And when I think it's over, it's just begun. It'll never finish because I'm slowly realizing I'm still not done.)

I was sitting on my couch reading Sense and Sensibility. Miriam had gone to my grandmother's for the weekend and wouldn't be returning till Monday afternoon. She had begged me to go (ok so she asked me and I politely declined), but I wanted to have some alone time with the house. I felt I hadn't been in the house since forever. I'm sure it helped that I avoided the house in fear another memory would find itself in my head, but this is beside the point.

Right as I was getting to the good part (where Mary-Ann and Willoughby have a disagreement) the doorbell rung. I put down my book and straighten my tee shirt. I made my way to the door, yawning mind you, and opened it to reveal a bored Gerald and a livid Arnold.

"Where the hell have you been all morning?" He almost screamed. I looked over at Gerald who rolled his eyes and folded his arms.

"I was at Phoebe's." I said, walking past him and back into the living room.

"So you couldn't have told me that before racing out of my bedroom this morning!" This time he sort of did shout.

"You left first!" Very mature old girl, very mature.

"Oh that's sweet, that's so sweet." He said clenching his fists. He was very angry. I guess he had a right. According to Phoebe he had a lot of mixed up and pent up emotions. It brought little comfort to me knowing I was the cause of this emotional distress.

"I'm sorry, ok?" He was worried that I had gone and done something final. I can't blame him; I have a tendency to be easily broken and often even suicidal. I wanted to hold him, maybe try and comfort him. But I didn't completely trust going near him right now. Somehow he was reminding me of Bob when Bob got that temper going. I knew Arnold would never, ever do anything to me, but I still had to be frightened.

I guess sensing my fear, or knowing it, he eased up and simply stared at me. His eyes were so soft, he was dying inside. I looked over to see Gerald, completely in his own world, leaning against the doorway of the living room.

"Gerald can I talk to Arnold? Alone?" He looked at me and then Arnold as if he had forgotten where he was.

"Uh… yeah, sure. Catch you later Arnold."

"Bye." I turned and waited for the door to close before I opened my mouth.

Arnold was staring at me; his lips were pressed together in a line.

"I'm not… I'm not ready to admit to the world that I love you." I watched carefully to see if he had a reaction. Knowing Arnold, of course he had a reaction. His mouth opened in a confused shape as his eyes clouded over. I realized this was the first time I had ever said "I love you" to him, with him being conscious of course. "I'm not ready to show the rest of the world that part of me. I'm not even sure that part of me exists when you're not there." This was turning out so corny.

Ok, time to switch gears. He wants more then just the physical. He got it.

"I miss her." I sat down next to him (he had sat down after the whole mini confession). I took his hand in mine and began unweaving and weaving my fingers with his. "I miss everything. Like when we were kids and our biggest, well your biggest, issue was what game to play next." I smiled sadly. "I don't know who I am or where I'm going Arnold. I'm lost. I'm not use to having someone come up behind me and whisper that them love me, or try to kiss me to show me. I'm use to yelling and empty bottles in the trash can. I'm use to hiding behind a desk or a table whispering about how one day you'll love me back. I just want you to know that it's not just some game. I do love you."

I could feel the tears in my eyes as I stared at our hands. I do love him. So help me, I would die, literally die without him.

He was my salvation.

"I love you too." I looked up surprised by his voice. "I think, I might, maybe have loved you all along." Because I am a sick person, I began to laugh softly.

"We're so corny." I continued to laugh before I felt a pair of lips stop the laughter. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he gently leaned us down on the couch.

I was too far into the addiction at this point.

There was no turning back.

(When I see the way you look at her and the way she runs her fingers through your hair. I just want to scream. She'll never love you, like I love you. And that's all you have to know to care.)

Monday had sneaked up upon me as I woke up this morning. I was too tired to be in school. I slept yesterday night, ten hours actually (between the sleeping pills and Arnold, sleep came easily). However I was just not in the mood to have to deal with school. I was so thankful we only had two weeks left.

As I walked to my locker I saw Arnold standing at his locker talking to Lila. That little… I began to slow my pace down and strain to hear what was going on.

"Oh come on Arnold." Lila said in her annoying little voice. "We would have ever so much fun!" She was only sweet to him. I find this sickening.

"I'm seeing someone." He said shuffling books in and out of his locker.

"Who could you possibly be seeing? I don't see you with anyone in school."

"I doesn't matter who I'm seeing, I am seeing someone though." He said rolling his eyes.

I stood a few feet away watching them. She gently placed her hand on his arm and gently began to move her other hand up and down his chest. She was one bold kid. I watched as he gently leaned against his locker glaring at her.

"Lila…" He was just so lost for words.

This would just not do.

I walked over to them and gently moved my arms around his waist from the back. I felt him stiffen in confusion. I then gently paced my chin on his shoulders and looked at Lila. I believe I was smirking.

"Do you mind? I wanted to spend some quality time with my boyfriend." Here it is the beginning of the end.

It was amusing to watch her jaw drop and her eyes get big. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a rather large SUV. It was quite funny.

"You… you're going… you and Arnold?" I smiled as I let go of him and moved to stand in front of him.

"Yep, almost four months, right?" I looked over at him and smiled. He gently wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed the side of my face.

"Yep." He smiled and just looked at Lila.

Her eyes narrowed and she turned around and stomped away from us.

My smile slightly dwindled as I felt his arms around me. I loved being in his arms, but as my eyes looked around I noticed that the students in the hall way were in shock at seeing such a display from one of the best baseball players on the team and the antisocial misfit of the school.

It was like Jekyll and Hyde.

It made little to no sense.

I felt his lips on my head again before letting go and smiling at me.

"What happened to you weren't ready?" Oh, I'm still not. I looked around the hall and shrugged. I looked at him and smiled slightly.

"I don't know I guess a girl's got to do, what a girl's got to do." Right now this girl was about to go to the bathroom and cry her eyes out because she was not ready to be brought into the light just yet. I was so use to being ignored. I was use to being a shadow, standing still, observing.

This whole moving thing is killing me.

I began to walk to my locker. I felt his hand slip into mine and the daunting eyes watching as we made our way down the hall. I couldn't bear to see their hollow eyes watching every move I was making.

"That look in her face. Brilliant." He let go of my hand continued to make gestures with his hands as he talked.

I wasn't sure why I was so against going public but I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want Arnold to get crap because he cared for the social misfit of the school. I mean I'm not the social misfit of the school, but for some reason I was not held highly among our peers. Go figure.

I noticed that Arnold had stopped talking and had been staring at me. "What?" I asked as I began pulling another book from the dark corners of my locker.

"Why did you do that?"

"What?" I looked at him as I gently closed my locker door.

"You just did it so Lila wouldn't bother with me." He said dejectedly.

I did the only thing I could think to do. I dropped my books and wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him an earth-shattering kiss. I pulled away and looked at him.

"I did it because I couldn't bare to see her near you. I did that because I love you." He gave me one of his nice smiles and kissed me gently before picking up my books.

"I'll see you in English."

"Bye." I smiled as he ruffled my hair and made his way in the opposite direction. I looked around and noticed the hollow eyes of people I had known most of my life.

I walked to my class and entered, noticing that I was early and no one was in here yet. I looked at the ceiling and began shaking my head.

"When the hell did I begin to care?"