Hope you enjoy :) ((MAJOR drama/angst at the end, so you know, know I have a plan for ever detail :)) R&R

(Life is funny in the sense that things happen to you on a constant basis. At the end, your left standing with a million moments that might or might not have meant anything to you.)

The music was blasting, people were talking, the lights were dim, and I felt like I was in club waiting to be pushed against a wall to make room for the celebrity of the evening. I wonder where Rhonda was anyway?

I looked over to see Nadine smile at me and nod her head in approval of my attire. She was the seventh person within the last thirty minutes to approve of me. Or well, my attire, I'm sure none of them was actually approving of me.

I looked around the room and watched faces of people I knew all my life and faces of people I had never met before dancing and laughing. There was a large food table in the living room with an overly large boy eating chips. I felt a sense of satisfaction as I realized it was Harold. The line backer for the football team. I then felt a sense of dooming. Even he, a boy three or four times my weight who still couldn't speak English well, was socially higher then me. He had even had a girlfriend since last year. The way the world turns I guess.

I looked to my right to make sure that Arnold was still near me. Which is slightly silly because he was holding my hand as he weaved in and out of the crowds of people. I was allowing myself to be pulled by him to meet and greet his usual friends. Sid, Stinky, Lorenzo, Harold, Sheena, Eugene, and various other kids we had known since preschool. Each one looked at me and complimented me, but they also stared at me trying to recall who I was. I didn't look like Helga, I wasn't acting like Helga, there was no way I Helga G. Pataki, was Helga. Amusing, isn't it?

"Sid!" I turned and watched as Arnold move from me to high five his friend and teammate. "Did I miss anything?"

I felt extremely awkward as Sid ran down all the events that had led to and happened already at Rhonda's summer bash. It was almost like he was speaking a different language. Like I could grasp on to the idea, but nothing specific. Then again, I am not part of this social order. I am going out with the ambassador of this social royalty. I'm nothing but a guest.

"So who's the babe?" I looked up and turned to the boy with the large nose. I looked him over. He looked different, taller, somewhat muscular, he could even be considered cute. What am I saying? Sid is of social royalty in our school, he's not only cute he's drop dead gorgeous. The boy has a smile that can talk his way out of being suspended. It was rumored that he even used it to get out of a test. Sid was first class, going out with Nadine (another social debutante) I'm sure had it's advantages.

"It's Helga." Arnold smiled, wrapping his arm around my waist.

Oh, it's the beginning of the end.

Sid looked at me, slowly moving his eyes around my face and then up and down my body. He seemed to not want to accept the fact that I was Helga. I have noticed a lot of people doing that. His face twisted into sort of a frown and then quickly shifted to a smile that was probably reserved for situations such as this.

"You look cute." He smiled at me, then high five Arnold, and then went about his merry little way.

"See, it's not too bad." I looked at Arnold and slightly glared. Of course it's not too bad, you know these people, you've been in their habitat since we were in fifth grade, you are apart of their natural order. I feel like lone antelope in the territory of vicious lions. I know I won't survive.

"Uh huh." I couldn't go any further. I felt going further would really put a damper on his night. For Arnold, this was social bliss. I'm in a social nightmare. My eyes once again darted around the room landing on a tall girl with mouse brown hair and big brown eyes. She was tall and slender, almost like a model. Standing next to her was a tall boy, maybe her height or half an inch taller, with flaming red hair and a charming smirk. I knew why Sheena was invited; she was Rhonda's favorite project. It took a few seconds but I realized that Eugene was only invited because he was Sheena's new beau. He was like me in a lot of ways.

"Helga! Arnold!" I gently hugged Eugene back as he and Sheena stood in front of us smiling. They were actually a pretty cute couple, as well as decent human beings. I think I might like them as real people.

"Sheena you look great!" Arnold smiled and then he turned to Eugene and high five him.

"You both look so cute." She smiled as she clasped her hands together, a dreamy look in her eyes. Sheena was always like this. I'm happy to know that she never truly changed. It gives me hope. "Arnold you just have to come say hi to Roxy, she's from the agency, she wants to meet all my closest and dear friends!"

Before either Eugene or myself could mutter a word our dates were rushing over to a tall woman with pink hair and large blue eyes. The name Roxy totally fit her. I shook my head and looked over to Eugene. The boy hadn't done too badly for himself. He wasn't drop dead gorgeous or anything, but he was cute. He had a boyish chic about him.

"You look great Helga." I focused on his face again and gave a confused look. "I haven't seen you this made up ever."

My shoulders fell as I realized what was going on. I was changing.

"I didn't mean it like that." Eugene chuckled and began scratching the back of his head. "I meant that… out of everyone in this room, I don't think anyone could handle something like this, as well as you're handling it."

I nodded. I was still confused. But I trusted Eugene, I don't know why. Maybe because all through junior high and last year, Eugene was much like me. Talked to by few and acknowledged by even fewer. Except for the fact he accepted his new position, and was even happy about it, him and me were of like souls. I took great pleasure in this fact.

"Oh good, you both made it." We both turned to see Rhonda standing with her hair and make up all done out and her social smile present on her stained pink lips. Eugene's demeanor fell as the social princess looked at us.

"Of course we came." I heard him say. "How could we miss such an event."

Rhonda, oblivious to his undertones smiled brightly and took the comment as a compliment. The girl was smart, but also very, very self-involved.

"Well, you two enjoy the party. If you need anything just find me." She smiled as she went to talk to another group of people. The truth be told she would make it part of her evening not to be found by us. She stopped and turned and gave me the one over. Phoebe was right; Rhonda was about to die. "You look nice Helga." And she was off again.

Well… ok then, I thought as I turned back to Eugene who was looking through the crowd of people. I followed his glaze to Sheena and Arnold who were making their way towards us.

"Miss me?" Sheena asked as she wrapped her arms around Eugene's waist.

"Of course." He smiled at Arnold and me and then led Sheena away.

"Let's go see who else showed up." I looked at him. I was already tired, my feet hurt from these stupid heels, and I wanted my sweat pants and a T-shirt and to be wrapped in his arms in his bed. Was this all too much to ask for? "What?"

"Can't we just… sit… for a little while?" My tone was flat. I didn't know these people. I didn't know their ways of conduct. All I heard were elusive undertones and silent glares. Which of course Arnold is oblivious too because he is like them. He's better then them, but so much like them.

"Ok." I could hear the undertones in his tone but chose to ignore them. They were so good at undertones. I use they as a collective group of social royalty. I use them as a collective group of non-social royalty. I've decided that this whole social royalty. Totally sucks.

"Aw, look at you two!" This is where I pull a gun from my purse and begin shooting randomly. Of course this is all done mentally but still.

I looked up to see Lila blocking our path way to the couch. The beautiful, soft couch. The finest material from Italy that money can buy. I looked at the red head vixen and noted her usual outfit. Her hair was down in curls and waves, her make up perfect, her smile sweet. She was wearing a dark green tank top with the word 'Conduct' in glittery light green letters scribbled across it. She had a black mini skirt on with heeled sandals. She had on various types of silver jewelry and was currently standing with her arms behind her back. Almost innocent it seems.

"Thanks Lila." Arnold smiled slightly. I wanted to hit him. I looked back at her and nodded curtly.

"Why aren't you two dancing? The music is just incredible." She said as she slightly began to move her hips. That little… I stopped myself and looked to see Arnold actually pondering dancing. He's such a pain in the butt. My god.

"Actually—"

"I would love to dance." He cut me off. I looked up at him and saw him pleading with me ever so slightly. How about he tries putting on heels and a dress and let's see how he likes dancing.

"Arnold, I just want to—"

"I'll dance with you!" Ugh. Why doesn't anyone let me talk?

"Is it ok?" I looked at him. Was he serious? In what freakin' state of mind is he in to assume that this would be ok, ever.

"Come on, one dance, you can go rest up." Lila said as she smirked at me. Another undertone Arnold did not notice.

I looked at her and then back to him. I let go of his hand and backed off to the left slightly.

"Do whatever you want." I then began walking towards the kitchen. I needed something to drink, fast. Right before I disappeared I looked to see Arnold about to come after me until Lila grabbed his arm and pulled him towards Rhonda and Nadine.

What do I care at this point?

(Sometimes it's easy to pretend I don't care. Like how it's easy to pretend that when you look at me, I'm not dying inside.)

"What's a beautiful girl doing outside while a party is going on downstairs?" I had managed to find my way up to Rhonda's roof and was currently sitting on the edge watching the clouds move around the sky. I turned to look at a boy standing in the doorway for the roof entrance.

I didn't recognize him. He was about 6'2" or so. He had thick jet-black hair that was pushed back and slightly disheveled. He had on a pair of glasses that made him look approachable. He was muscular and had a nice smile. He looked like a memory from a dream. But I didn't know him.

"Excuse me?" I heard the confusion in my voice.

"Don't tell me you forgot about me." He smiled as he swayed a bit and put his hands over his chest. "You're breaking my heart."

"I'm… I'm sorry." I said. He walked over to me and sat down, we both swung our legs as the night breeze went along. It was only nine thirty and I had only been up here for ten minutes or so, but I felt like eternity had passed me by.

"I guess I didn't expect you to remember me." He had a really nice smile. And his voice was so sincere, gruff but still friendly. He gently reached up and pulled the clip that was in my hair down. My hair fell over my shoulders in a collage of curls, waves, and straight clumps. "So much better."

I was too shocked to say or do anything. He gently laid the clip in between us and smiled at me. I felt my arm move up to gently stroke my hair. My headache was slowly going away as the breeze gently picked up and lowered my hair unto my shoulders. The boy with the jet-black hair brought his hand up to my face and very gently pushed the hair behind my ear. I was frozen as he lowered his hand. He looked at me, straight into my eyes, and smiled.

"Who… are you?" I asked. A boy I did not know was slowly stalking me.

"Remember when you were nine." He smiled as his eyes left my face and he looked out into the darken street.

"I guess so." I said, still staring at him.

"You would hide behind everything from a trashcan to a table and take out a gold locket that had a picture of a boy in it." My mouth opened in shock once again. Was he for real? "And every time you finished there was a low wheeze behind you."

Brainy.

"That was me."

I looked at him, once again. His hair was thicker, his skin tone slightly tanner, his eyes bigger, and his voice clear. He had a nice smile with a trusting presence.

"Brainy?" I asked. He began laughing.

"I haven't heard that name since seventh grade." He continued to laugh. "It sounds good coming from you."

Oh. My. God.

"I'm… you're… I mean… Oh wow." I was at a lost for words. The boy was no longer the skinny kid with the breathing problem. He was actually cute, he was real.

"Brian, nice to meet you." He laughed as I gently took his hand. This was not Brainy. "It's amazing what developing early can do for a guy. After I got the new glasses and the asthma problem dealt with, I guess my body thought it was time to grow up."

"I'm so sorry I hit you all those times." Good job old girl.

"I deserved it." He smiled. "I never stopped watching you, ya know."

Hmm, creepy much?

"I mean, at school, in the halls. I guess it was a force of habit. I don't follow you around anymore, but sometimes I still just watch you. You never did change."

"Are you joking?" I asked. "I've changed more then anyone!"

"Only in the sense that you closed yourself up from the rest of the world." He said. He leaned back on his hands and looked at me. "You forget that I saw the real you. I didn't see what every one else saw. I still see the real you. When you have that thoughtful look on your face. The way your whole body becomes ridged when Arnold kisses you in public. The way you were so close to tears when Lila pulled away your only lifeline. I never miss a beat."

I was silent as I looked at him. No one ever noticed the little things about me. Not even Arnold.

"I saw you come up here and I just… I had to kind of see you." He smiled. He has such a nice smile.

"Why did you use to stalk me?" I asked, I wanted to venture away from this whole thing.

"I wouldn't call it so much as stalking as I would observing." I looked at him, he laughed. "Ok, so I stalked you. I don't know. You were so… complex. The way you had on this mask and the way you would melt when he looked at you. I must say that I was quite drawn to you as a person. I was in love with all the little things that I knew no one else noticed."

"You loved me?" Again my voice was flat and I was in shock.

"I guess I did." He chuckled slightly and looked at me. "Is it so hard for you to imagine someone loving you?"

Yes, it is, actually.

"Who could possibly love me?" I said looking at him. I knew there were tears in my eyes as I looked at him. "I mean, look at me, I should be in a pair of jeans with a tee shirt sitting at home with a bowl of ice cream. I don't want to be here."

"Helga." He paused as he put his hand over mine. "Everyone in that room is fake. They don't go any further then what you see now. You are so much deeper then any of them will ever be. There is no way that you could ever change. You're too complex and too deep to change. And trust me, you can't get any better then you are now."

Maybe it's not so hard to believe that someone could love me.

"Thanks." I said softly. I felt the breeze run through my hair once again.

"Hey, what else am I here for?" He smiled and gently nudged me. "So, how about you and me go down and dance a little?"

I still didn't feel like dancing. I looked at him and he smirked, nodding.

"Staring at the night sky it is then."

(I don't care about the 'once upon a times,' I want to hear about the 'happily ever after'.)

"Where have you been?" I turned and looked at Phoebe. I will not lie and say I was disappointed to be found by my best friend. I had just come downstairs and said a silent good bye to Brainy who seemed to disappear in the crowd. I knew I could find him by simply motioning with my hand.

"I was getting some air. I want to go home." I said to her. She looked at me and then at my hair.

"What happened to you?"

"I was raped." I glared at her. "What do you mean what happened to me? I took my hair down, I had a headache. Where's Arnold?"

"I think dancing." She said. I looked at her.

"Can you get Gerald?… I want to go home." I said, again. She looked me and nodded. Her undertones were quite livid.

I didn't bother to say anything else I simply went into the living room to find Arnold. I looked around and spotted Eugene talking to Curly.

"Where's Arnold?" I asked as I got to the two. Eugene looked at me and then around the room.

"I don't know." He said. "I haven't seen him for a while." I turned to Curly.

"The last I saw of him was with you." I looked at my watch. It was ten forty-five.

"Ok, thanks." I said as I made my way through the crowd.

"What's wrong?" I heard Brainy behind me. I turned and looked at him grateful, it was comforting to know he would come to my rescue.

"Can you find Arnold for me?" I asked. I intended to continue my search but Brainy was observant, he would know where Arnold is.

"Give me five minutes." He was then off in the sea of people.

Rhonda's party was fairly large, a number of people from our school were there. I was surprised I could even walk two feet in front of me.

I made my way to the food table where I saw Harold standing.

"Have you seen Arnold?" I said as I pushed my way to him. He looked at me as if I was mad. But after a few seconds he realized who I was.

"Helga? Hey!"

"Ar-nold." I said. My tone was somewhat threatening, but it was all undertones. Harold looked up and scanned his section of the house.

"I saw him a few minutes ago. He was getting drinks."

"Thanks." I said, clicking my tongue against my teeth.

I again went on my search. I felt a hand grab on to my arm as I was about to take on the dinning room. I turned and looked at Brainy who had a serious expression on his face.

"Found him." I allowed him to lead me from the dinning room back to the living room where a certain cornflower haired boy and a certain red haired girl was sitting, talking on the couch. He had a huge smile on his face as she said something, making him laugh. They had sodas in their hands and were vividly talking about something.

I'm not saying anything was going on between the two, but I am saying I'm a paranoid, jealous blonde. You do the math.

"I want to go home." I whispered. "Now."

I felt myself being pulled away. My eyes never leaving the two on the couch.

"Come on." I heard in my ear. "I'll take you home."

The last thing I saw was Lila's hand gently laying on his thigh, his smile never wavering.

(And my smile never falters, not once, not ever. In the end it might have been fun, oh so fun. Days like these it's hard to wake up.)

It was two in the morning. After Brainy dropped me off to my house and I got in I quickly scrubbed my face and changed my clothes. It was eleven fifteen or so and Miriam was in a deep sleep. I noticed her sleeping pills next to her bed and knew she'd be out cold until the morning. There was nothing in the world that could wake her up when she took the sleeping pills. Which I'm actually thankful for tonight.

I wasn't sure when the party ended, if it had ended at all, either way my cell phone had not been called. No one bothered to check on me. Go figure.

I wanted to scream, cry, bawl, anything. I wanted to make the rest of the world feel what I felt at that moment. I hated Rhonda, I hated my peers, I hated everyone and everything. I feel that I am justified to hate the world. I feel as if they gave me a gun, no one would be safe. I feel almost invincible in the fact that the world can slip away and I'll still be here. I'll never leave this place. I slowly figured out that for the rest of my life I was going to be here in this state of mind. I just wanted to die.

I'm not sure if it's because I had to dress up and enter unfamiliar territory. Or because someone from my past sees me for this person I don't feel exists. Or because my boyfriend, the only one I could imagine loving, is not the same boy from when I was nine.

Arnold is Arnold. He never changed in the aspect that he was caring, sweet, compassionate, and opinionated. He never changed in the idea he was some one who always wanted to figure me out and put me back together. But he's not the same guy with the weird shaped head from grammar school. He's part of a whole different social order. I never noticed because I didn't care. I didn't have to care. There was no reason to care. I had a dying sister; Arnold was not something I decided was top priority. He's part of a tightly knitted social order that thrives to rule and will have their way. I'm not like them. I'm just not.

I've been hidden within my self for so long that I didn't realize everything had changed. When did Phoebe become a social elite? When did Brainy grow up? When did Eugene stop being known as the jinx? Where was I for all these changes?

That's right, in my house with a pillow over my head wishing for death to come and take me. Hmm, I guess that does entitle me to be a little lost.

I love Arnold. I know I do. He has given me every high I've ever experienced since I was four. His smile can make any day seem like a better day. He can sooth my nerves by a touch of his hand or a breath from his lips. And as horribly clichéd and corny that sounds, dammit, it's true.

Why can't I just have one good moment? Why can't I just, for once, experience the rainbow? Why can't I be happy, like really, truly, happy?

Because I'm so broken I'm not even worth it anymore.

This is where the tears began coming. This is where everything from the time I was four came finally crashing down. This is where the weight of the world finally rolled on me. This is the part where I was going to be strong and decided a plan of action. In reality, this is the part where I finally break.

I got off of my bed and walked over to me desk. I want everything to go away. I don't want to be here. I don't want to change. I want to go back to when I was nine and I knew something. I grabbed various pictures from my desk and began ripping them. Phoebe, Arnold, various other people laid in shreds on my floor. I opened one of the drawers and took out a pink notebook. I opened it and began ripping the pages from the bindings. I began ripping my soul in shreds. I threw the tattered book against my wall. I clutched to the vase Bob had given me when I was eleven and threw it at my closet door. I took my hand-sized mirror and tossed it to the other side of the room. I wanted something to hurt and be tattered like I was hurt and tattered.

I was a sobbing wreck ripping random magazine pictures and song lyrics and various other things in tiny pieces of paper on my floor. There was hyperventilating and muffled screaming as I threw dolls and various clothes on the floor. If it looked even slightly expensive I threw it against something.

I looked over at my cell phone that was quietly sitting on my night table. I opened it, praying to some higher being there be a missed call. That there would be something. All I saw was my Garfield background with the little music note in the corner teasing me that I would have heard it if someone called. I snapped the phone shut and began crying even harder. I then threw the phone as hard as I could against the wall. I fell to the ground in a mess of sobs and tears.

Arnold would never leave me alone. So why did he tonight? What made tonight so much different? What the hell made him assume I would be ok? Why tonight? Was it because he was finally fed up with me? Was it because Lila actually looked nice in her green tank top? Was it because he thought we were comfortable enough to have space? Was it because he's so use to this environment? To this social order? Was it him? Was it me?

I believe it was probably me. It will always be me.

I slowly took my hands away from my face and looked at my room. The tears were still falling but my mind was slowly shutting down. I had destroyed every aspect of my life. The sheets were ripped off. My photos, writings, magazine clippings, and various other papers laid shredded on my floor. My hand size mirror and Bob's vase was shattered against the walls. Every aspect of my life, past and present, was now a shattered mess. I tried to grasp what this all meant.

I stood up and decided to go get the duster. I had long ago stopped trying to stop the tears. As I turned to find my robe I looked on my desk to see a lone picture that had managed to be salvaged. It was a picture of Olga. It had been taken years ago. It was done in black and white. He hair was pinned up and she was wearing a beautiful dress. It had been take a few weeks after we learned of the disease. I realized that she was only aspect of my life I could not destroy. How could I? She's already destroyed.

As I made my way down stairs I tried to figure out what was wrong with me.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. I didn't want to think about what had happened, what would happen, and why it could possibly be happening. I don't need the heres and nows. I want the tomorrow.

Nothing matters anymore.

It doesn't matter that I've hit new lows of self-esteem. It doesn't matter that I have no idea who I am or where I'm going. It doesn't matter that I'm alive and my sister is dead. It doesn't matter that Brainy sees me and Arnold only looks. It doesn't matter the world changed while I was praying for salvation. It only matters that tomorrow is just another day.

I'll solve the world's problems tomorrow.

I'll solve my problems tomorrow.

Maybe I can even find some salvation from the darkness I'm heading into.

Hopefully, tomorrow might never come.