Oh my god. It's been two weeks. I am SO sorry! I didn't even know it had been two weeks. Where the hell did November go? Well… I can't provide a double update, but I can give you an interesting chapter. :) I liked it ::shrugs::. ANYWAY. I hope you enjoy it and I will try my damnedest to get the 14th chapter out by…. This weekend? That sounds possible. I have finals next week… so… yeah I guess this weekend. ANYWAY. I'm so sorry. I've been sick and busy. Life's such a drag. My birthday is coming up :) So... that's exciting. And THANK YOU so much for the reviews. I got many opinions and compliments and everything, and thank you so much. I have cause several people to dislike Arnold… which is NOT my intention. I will probably have a Brainy/Helga… thing… it might be one sided, or it could be mutual. Not sure. And yes I made Lila to be a "villain". This is because I personally don't like her, she annoys me, but yes she might not be that bad of a person. And before we start an "I hate Arnold" club, which my friend is in the process of ::shakes head:: Let me just tell you that Helga told Arnold to find someone. Yes, ok, I made it Lila because she's a character and a plot line that can screw with Helga's overall character and mental health. I also picked Lila because Lila and Arnold have that weird chemistry that they like being with each other. Lila can easy manipulate him (let's be honest the boy is not the sharpest tool in the shed) and Arnold loves getting her attention. It's a take advantage and use type relationship but dammit… it's ok. Arnold didn't betray anyone. He does care for Helga but you know she needs space to find herself and he needs to find someone. If you want to be mad at him, however, I will support you :). Next chapter more Brainy/Helga interaction. I have this TOTALLY cute scene planned out. More Helga rebuilding. And more Arnold/Helga fun times :). As usual… I have babbled into an abyss. I am off to go flop on my bed and watch Jerry Maguire now :-D. I hope you enjoy!!!! R&R :)

(There has always been a time in my life when I have doubted who I was and where I was going. I never understood the idea of happiness. Maybe that's just how it was meant to be.)

The world is a cruel place. People will walk in and out of your life. Events will be remembered and forgotten. Family and friends are only half of the journey that everyone must endure. The entire idea of life is a harsh and almost memorable experience. Few die happily.

But you knew that.

From the moment my parents laid eyes on me to the moment I saw the world, life never seemed more difficult and prolonged. The saddest part is I never truly did see the world. I never understood most concepts that most people learn from childhood. I don't know what it's like to have your parents teach you to ride a bike, to have your mother kiss a bruise on your knee, to have your father sit you down and tell you he was proud of you. My understanding of loyalty and trust have been all but fairytales fed to me by an over bearing older sister, who saw life as an opportunity. Life never gave her an opportunity, but she always gave life the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this is where my problem lies. Within my lack of ability to give.

Since I was four I've been in love with the idea of love. Since I was seven I've been insecure and defensive of myself. Since I was nine I was what one would call a bully. And the list goes on. I could point out all my flaws, misdemeanors, and inabilities and still have the notion of putting myself down. I can't take compliments or raw emotion without truly believing there is some alternative motive. The world might be a better place without me.

Not that I matter.

I feel that it's only a matter of time till I go completely out of my mind.

It's no longer about my sister. It's not longer about Bob and his twenty something year old wife. It's no longer about Miriam and her own emotional disabilities. It's not about Arnold, Lila, Phoebe, or Brainy. It's no longer about the world and if it'll keep spinning in my absence. It will. It's about how for the past four years, since I was twelve, my life turned from a greedy nine-year-old to a cynical sixteen-year-old. It's about how I went from an almost carefree life to a suicidal path to a dark abyss. It's about how I went from point A to point B. It's about me.

I don't know how to think of me.

How am I suppose to suddenly jump back into school? How can I have been someone in May, but not be the same person in September? How do I handle walking down the halls without him? I don't know how.

That's what it's about.

I wasn't suppose to go on a break with him. I wasn't suppose to lose contact with my best friend. I wasn't suppose to push everyone who cared away.

I wasn't suppose to survive. But I did.

So, how do I get from point B to point C without making a fool of myself?

That's what life is.

(The whole idea of love is an idealistic fundamental that undermines independence, sanctuary, and the right to eat as much chocolate as your largest size pants will allow.)

Ah, the first day of school.

I wonder how long it will be until someone gives his or her condolence to my fallen relationship.

"Helga, I'm so sorry about you and Arnold." I smiled slightly and nodded my head to Sheena as I continued down the hall to my locker.

Two minutes and 32 seconds, hmm, sounds like a new record to me.

I reached the tall almost looming gray slab of metal and gently turned the combination. I opened it and inspected the contents. It was a somewhat ideal locker. Not much dust or dirt, a couple of smiley face stickers, a faded 'Jojo loves Bobby', and it had no over powering odor. I believe a smug smile is in order to celebrate such an event. I eyed the area and couldn't stop the smug smiling from becoming wider as I realized I was in the middle of no where. It was much too ideal to be part of my life.

"There's my favorite blonde." I sighed. Here it comes I thought, the new beginning. I turned and looked at the tall boy with the jet-black hair. He was smiling slightly as he leaned against the locker on the right side of mine.

"Hi Brainy." I smiled slightly. I went back to inspecting my locker. What can I say, I have obsessive compulsive tendencies. I heard a chuckle but knew not to make eye contact.

You never make eye contact.

"I guess I should get use to you calling me Brainy."

"I guess." I said as I gently shut the locker. "I only know you as Brainy."

"True, true." He nodded his head. "What's your first class?"

"English, with Simmons." The man followed us from grammar school, to junior high, to high school. He's like an elaborate stalker.

"Me too." He chuckled again.

"Great," I said as he opened the tall oak door and motioned for me to go in first. "I'll have a hang man buddy."

He let out a full laugh this time.

I walked into the classroom and took my usual back of the class seat. I looked around and noted some familiar faces. Not familiar in the sense I've known them since we were kids, more like the other smart kids who make regular appearances in my honor's classes.

Brainy sat next to me and smiled. I looked at the head of the class and noted that there was chattering floating through the air. Nothing as jazzy and gossipy as say the popular's chatter, more like wispy and calming. Intelligent topics being discuss by intelligent people.

It felt almost relieving.

"Good morning class!" The class instantly quieted down as eyes turned to look at the scrawny man.

He had changed since fourth grade. He was still bald on top with grays dusted among the blonde hair. He was still lanky and skinny like a stick. He looked easy to break, but I knew he wasn't. He had gotten married in seventh grade. Georgia, I believe was her name. She was a kindergarten teacher and had large oval glasses that took up half her face. She had flowy red hair, with freckles on her cheeks, and hazel eyes. She was skinny and had a little girl with her first husband. She was almost pretty. I'd like to remember her as almost pretty. I had always thought Simmons gay.

Ok, fine, since I was in seventh grade I thought Simmons was gay. Not that there's anything wrong with gay guys. But that's not the point.

I'll forever remember Simmons as the elaborate stalker, who was questioned to be gay, and who married an almost pretty woman.

They should write country songs about him.

"It's such a wonderful day seeing all you bright eyed minds. How special we all are to be in such a class!" He clasped his hands together as if he was tempted to break out into song. You could imagine him skipping through a field of daisies. "I see some extra special faces this morning!"

Oh dear god.

"Helga, Brian, Theodore, how wonderful to have a class with you three!" He was giddy like an infatuated schoolgirl. I was frankly scared.

I looked at Curly, who, with his buzz cut and fogged glasses, looked at Simmons as if the man was on drugs. Which I will go on record and say he probably was. Brainy had a smile on his face. He was amused by our elderly teacher's antics. I was slacked jaw and praying for some type of taboo hand of fate. Like the fire alarm being pulled, or the building catching on fire. Any of these forms of deliverance from evil would do.

"Well our first special assignment will be…" I began droning him out as I looked at the blackboard. I wasn't looking at the blackboard, simply getting lost in my own mind. This is how you survive high school. By not mentally being there.

"Sorry about Arnold." I looked to my left and saw Brainy looking at me apologetically.

"Don't be." I mumbled. "I'm not." That's such a lie.

"Uh huh." Brainy said. I glared at him slightly. "His locker is about five away from mine."

"Lucky you." I said. My chin was resting in my hand and my eyes were not looking at him. They were waiting for the trip back to my "special" place. Really it's an unconscious journey through my subconscious problems. Or in normal terms, day dreaming.

"He was with Lila."

"Lucky him." I mumbled.

"You will eventually have to talk about it."

"No I won't." I said it with a sense of fact. I don't have to talk about certain things with certain people. That's what drugs and therapy is for when I'm forty and trying to jump off the PG&E building because I was closed off as a child.

"Uh huh."

I looked at him. I figured that I would no longer be able to hide things any more. I might have talked with a sense of fact. But…

He talked with a sense of knowing.

(I question my sanity. I also question your sanity. We might just be two crazy people talking to each other. But you probably didn't think of that.)

As the day continued on I found myself being oddly comfortable with my schedule. I actually didn't see that many "bad" people. Other then a quick glance from Rhonda, an awkward minute with Gerald, an even more awkward moment with Phoebe, and a full blown look from Lila, it wasn't such a bad day. Almost ideal.

But remember. Every rainbow had to have rain. If you're me, there's a whopper of a storm brewing. Did I just say whopper? Dear lord, I'm losing my mind.

I remember blinking. That's all. A simple blink. Maybe I held it for a second or two, nothing too drastic. But that's all it took.

I found myself in familiar arms. I remember ramming into something. It was solid but soft. I was waiting to hit the ground in an unholy fashion. But the crash never came. No, I found myself saved by a pair of familiar, comforting arms. And of course my first thought was not 'thank god I didn't fall'. Oh no, my first thought was literally, 'dammit, now I'm gonna have to thank him'.

Yes ladies and gentleman, I am that mentally disabled.

I looked at him. The delicate curve of his jaw. The way his eyes were still warm and comforting. The way his body felt so perfect over mine. Damn him.

We stayed slightly entangled with each other for a few seconds before I pushed away. I looked at the floor and slowly knelt down to pick up my books. I had been heading to lunch and would be late. The halls were empty. Except for him. It seemed almost convenient.

"Sorry." I heard my voice cut through the thick air. "I wasn't paying attention." I had blinked. That's it, that's all.

"No, it's…ok." He said as he picked up one of my notebooks. I stood up and gently took the book from his hand. This is what I get for thinking I could go without my book bag for the day. Two more periods, lunch and History, and I was home free. Damn hand of fate. "Where are you off too?" He cleared his throat, trying to avoid eye contact.

"Lunch." I heard myself answer as I clutched my books close to my chest. I was looking at the floor. This was getting us quite far.

"Me too." I wanted to inform him that I hadn't asked. But my better judgement stopped me.

"That's nice." I said.

"I'll walk you to the cafeteria." He said, scratching the back of his head, trying to decide if this had been a good decision or a bad decision on his part.

"I…um…" I tried to think of an excuse. Other then saying I had to go to the bathroom or turning and running for my life, I wasn't coming up with anything worth saying or doing. I could feel my head nod. Words would do me no justice.

"So…" He trailed off as we begun the two minute forty five second walk to the cafeteria. This may seem like a short time, but it's not. It feels like an eternity.

Ironically, the cafeteria always came too soon when I was with him.

"How are your classes?" I said. General topics are most effective in situations like this.

"They're ok. Nothing too bad. You?"

"Same." I nodded. I was going to go through this saying as few words as possible. Twenty actually. I would only say twenty words to him from this point on. Ok so, one, two, three, ok I have said five words, fifteen to go.

"I never got to tell you how great you look." I looked at him. He smiled one of those nice smiles. "Italy did you something good."

Not like you, huh? I thought and then shook my head. "Thank you." Thirteen to go.

"It's so weird, everyone is been giving me their condolences for our relationship. I mean, it's almost funny." He laughed slightly.

I nodded, I might have smiled. Nothing serious, a polite smile if nothing else. "Yeah, me too." Ten.

"Rhonda's having a back to school party." He looked at me.

Oh, that's nice.

"She's inviting everyone." He smiled.

And…?

"So be prepared when she comes around and invites you."

"Doesn't matter, I'm not going." Five.

"Right." He nodded.

Where the hell is the cafeteria? I looked around.

"Where are we?" Two. We were definitely not near the cafeteria.

Arnold looked up and grazed the area. "We've been walking in the wrong direction."

"Oh my god." Dammit, twenty-one.

Dammit, ten minutes late to lunch.

We turned around and began heading in the real direction of the cafeteria.

I guess one could be amused that him and me can still talk.

(One day the world will see you for what you are. Don't be surprise if they don't seem to care. They don't.)

He was talking about something, Brainy, that is, but I can't quite remember. It had been after school and Brainy had asked to walk me home. I smiled and nodded. Honestly, I didn't want to be left alone.

I'm always alone.

I figured out that I no longer had anyone besides Brainy. Arnold was off being a moron. Phoebe was on some royal trip that didn't involve me in her life. And… well… that's it, isn't it?

I didn't actually miss Phoebe. I should. But I didn't. Maybe it was because she was somewhere else in her life. She was more adjusted then I was. We weren't standing in the same place anymore. One could consider this another phase of life. It was simply reality; it's how the world turns. She knew who she was, where she was going, she had a great boyfriend, she did clubs, and her family was practically ideal. I was not in the vicinity of where she was moving towards.

And that's ok.

And then there was Arnold. Arnold is best described as a confused puppy. Unconditional love and affection, the ability to comfort and help, but can not be left alone. As long as Arnold has comfort, compassion, and even love to give, he must have someone in his life. Arnold is one of those people that needs people. Frankly, people need Arnold just as much as he needs them. I guess I can't be angry with him. He ran to a safety net. Lila would toy with him for a month or so and then toss him aside. He'll then find someone else who will "need" him and stay with them. There's no doubt in my mind that Arnold does really care for me. But as much as I "need" him, I can't learn to survive and find myself with him needing me. I can't be needed. Arnold needs someone to drag to Rhonda's parties, a trophy girlfriend if you will. I don't have what he needs. So maybe it's better that he found himself in the arms of the perfect trophy girlfriend. I won't bring him down.

We knew he could not bring me up.

"You aren't listening." It was said as more of a comment then a question. I looked at the boy with the jet-black hair and smiled a small smile.

"Sorry."

"No need." He smiled as he gently nudged me. "Let me guess… Arnold."

Brava.

"You can't blame me." I sighed.

"I can't blame you." He smiled, shrugging.

I looked at him. He was different. He was someone I knew could possibly help me.

"So this Friday Ms. Lloyd is having a fabulous party." He smiled broadly.

"You were invited?" I asked, somewhat surprised.

"Darling, I'm the quiet cool guy in the back of the class. I'm Brian. Of course I was invited." I laughed. He was too dramatic for words. "Since obviously you would not be caught dead there, I figured I'd take you out. Keep your mind off of things." He was referring to Arnold.

"Like a date?" I asked. I wanted to hit myself.

He laughed. "Only if you want it to be a date. But it's a really great place, somewhat dark, quiet, barely any real social interactions. They have terrific coffee." He smiled.

It actually sounded like a "me' friendly place.

I must admit, I need to start putting together the puzzle pieces that is me.

I looked at him and nodded.

"Ok."

"Great!" He smiled.

I guess that this is the start to the whole rebuilding process.

Fun.