A/N: I know, I know… where the hell have I been? You don't want to know, it is that bad. Not like, bad, bad. Just stressed out, busy, I need to drop off the face of the world for a few weeks, bad. But I digress. I am super sorry about taking forever. I wrote this, my goodness, weeks ago, but I hated it so I tried re-writing it. I hated all of those. So, here I am, the orginal chapter in tow, ready to post and whatnot. Once again… there will most likely me grammical and spelling mistakes, I am sorry in advance. I will have to keep this short, but I am very sorry in advance and I will try and update by… oh… maybe by the 15th of Jan. At least chapter 15 cause I have that almost done. Ok, well, hope you enjoy, I tried :(. R&R and… GO!

(When I close my eyes I see you. When I see you I want to be with you. When I'm with you I don't want to leave. If I don't want to leave, how can I survive?)

I stared at the ceiling as tears rolled down the sides of my face. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to sleep alone. To not be in his arms. To not feel his breath on my neck. To not be near him. I had almost learned to live.

Now I simply miss him.

It was already Thursday; I'm not sure how it happened. I guess life moved along. My week wasn't so bad; I didn't do or say anything that could cause affliction. And other then a sad smile or a short wave I had limited my time with him as much as possible. However, I couldn't help but need him.

Ok, maybe I didn't need him, but I wanted him. I wanted him a lot. Maybe it's because I was so use to him. Maybe it's because I'm not strong enough to get through this alone. Maybe it's because I'm psychotic and need some good drugs. Ok, so the last one is a little out there. But come on! It's been a hard road to walk.

I looked at the clock to the side of the bed. It was one in the morning. I couldn't find sleep. I rolled over and faced my window.

I missed him so much.

Logically, any normal person would, perhaps, get a glass of water or some milk. They would say their prayers and go to sleep. But no. I have to be miss unique.

I found myself standing in the middle of his room. I was praying to some higher being that Lila would not be here. As I got closer to the bed I noticed that she wasn't there. A quick thank you to the ceiling was in order.

It's odd. After two days we were sleeping in the same bed. They have been going out for, what, like two and a half months? That sounds right. Oh who cares.

I sat on the edge of his bed and gently watched his chest move up and down. The way his hair fell over his face. How he liked so perfect just sleeping soundly. I love him.

"Helga?" I locked eyes with him and smiled slightly.

"Hey you." I whispered. He closed his eyes and smiled contently.

"What are you doing here?"

"I missed you." I smiled as I pushed some hair off his face. "I missed you so much."

I felt the need to cry.

"I missed you too." He smiled and gently moved so that he was slightly raised on his elbow/pillow.

"I'm sorry, about everything."

"Don't be." And he gently placed his hand on my cheek and brought his lips to mine.

I would be lying if I said this wasn't want I've wanted since I got back "home".

I smiled as his scent intoxicated my senses, as his kiss drove my mind into over drive. I deepened the kiss, pushing him onto the bed.

I forgot how good it felt to be with him. His arms around me, his lips on mine.

It was almost too good to be true.

Maybe because it wasn't true.

My lungs seemed to deflate quickly as I sat up and began inhaling for air. My face was covered in sweat and the clock next to the bed read three fifteen. I looked around as my whole being calmed down.

I closed my eyes and fell back into the bed. I stared at the ceiling as I tried to remember what he smelt like and how he tasted. I couldn't though. Everything about him was lost to me. His taste, his scent, his touch, everything was gone. I missed him.

I rolled over and tried to will myself back to sleep.

The worst part was that had been the first dream I had in years.

But if you think about it, it was more of a nightmare then a dream.

Go figure.

(Sometimes I imagine you're still here. But when I look around you're gone. When they ask if I'm ok, I think of you, and I tell them I'm fine.)

I was sitting at my lunch table with Curly, Eugene, Patty, and Brainy. I would like to refer to our table as something that is socially acceptable. But the only people at this table who are considered sociable attributes are Brainy and Eugene. Curly and Patty are only a few hairs higher then me on the social scale.

Kudos to me.

"So, all set for tonight?" I looked over to Brainy. Crap. I forgot about our non-date date. However, I can play this off cool.

"All set." I smiled, secretly deciding all the little details I should have thought about earlier in the week. Like, you know that entire typical girl crap.

"Totally forgot, didn't ya?" He smirked. I loathe him.

"Yes." I sighed, going back to pushing my salad around. "But I am excited."

"Now?" He is such a pain in the ass.

"Yes now." I repeated.

"I'll pick you up around seven." He shook his head, while smiling, and then went back to talking to Curly about the polar ice caps. I believe I need to find myself new company. But I won't.

"Brian! There you are!" I looked to see the ever being social princess standing at my table.

"Rhonda, baby, so good to see you." Brainy smirked.

"You're coming to my back to school party, right?" She gave an award winning smile (no, really, she won an award in seventh grade for having the prettiest smile. Her mother was a sponsor for the whole thing) and winked at him.

"You know I want too." My god, he's as good with undertones as they are. "But I have previous plans that I just can not break."

"Oh, but Brian!" Rhonda whined. I felt my eyes roll.

"Sorry princess." He pouted slightly and then looked over at me. He winked and went back to eating his sandwich.

"Promise you'll come to the next party?" It was Rhonda's turn to pout.

"You know I will." He smiled. This seemed to please Rhonda, because she ruffled his hair and then went about her merry little way.

"I see that you are part of their social conduct." I said, eyeing Brainy carefully.

He looked up with his hazel eyes, big and clear. He smiled as he ran his hands through his thick, long black hair. "I'm not part of anyone's group sweetie. I'm just Brian."

It was at this moment that I realized that Brainy was not just my Brainy. He was the world's Brian.

I could get use to this.

("It just happened" is the most advanced lie anyone could tell you. Because at some level, it's not a lie.)

Sometimes I lye awake in bed, staring at the walls, the ceiling, or the window, and I think, "is this all". Life is supposed to be this roller coaster of adventures, journeys, self-discovery, and all that other crap. However, you must admit, there are times where you find yourself alone, bored, doing nothing besides losing your mind. And then what? What is the right thing to think? "Is this all?" seems to be a general question.

No, I'm not getting all psychological and mystical on you, I'm just kind of looking around and noticing that this is all that's left. There are no second chances with this game. You win some, you lose some, and then you die. Dying is neither winning nor losing; dying is simply the way your book ends. I have some inkling that dying will not be the way my book ends. How, you may ask, I don't know.

I miss Arnold.

That's it. That is what it comes down too. I know that if I harp on him I'll never move on. It's interesting. If I'm with him I can't move on and if I'm not with him I can't move on. That's a conundrum ladies and gentlemen. Either way I'm screwed. Lucky me, right?

I looked at the clock and noticed that it was five fifty seven. I sighed as I got off my bed. I assume I should try and look halfway decent for my non-date date with Brainy.

Whether I miss Arnold or not, he's not here.

Brainy is though.

I think I like that.

(I've been wishing every night for an answer to my prays. And every morning I wake up to the same routine. I might be wishing on the wrong star.)

It was a club of sorts. There was soft music, low lights, and tons of kids. There was a bit of a beatnik atmosphere with a taste for funk. I looked around at all the different kids. Skinny, fat, medium; black, white, Hispanic; blue, pink, red, brown, blonde hair; it was like a collage of nameless faces. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it.

"What do you think?" I turned to see Brainy smiling at me; his arm was loosely around my shoulders. He had worn black dress pants and a button down blue shirt, it was open exposing the black wife beater he had on under it.

"It's… fantastic." I smiled as I looked around. I was wearing a pair of black pants with a silver-chained belt and a white turtleneck. It was pretty cold in September, and it was the perfect temperature in here.

"I'm glad you like it." He whispered close to my face. I couldn't help but smile.

"What's a bum like you, doing with a goddess like her?" I turned to see a boy with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes smiling at Brainy and me.

"She agreed to come with me." Brainy and the boy high fived each other.

"She must have something loose if she wanted to be with you." He turned to me and smiled. "My name's Thomas, Tommy if you want. It's a pleasure to meet you."

He gently took my hand and kissed it lightly.

"Helga." I smiled.

"Ah, a strong, beautiful name for such a strong, beautiful creature." I might have giggled, I'm not sure. There were too many compliments being thrown at me.

"I thought she'd enjoy it in here." Brainy said, his arm still comfortably around my shoulders.

"She'll love it. Ty is looking for you." Tommy took a sip of his water.

"Why?" Brainy asked. It was all very casually but I was curious to know what they were talking about.

"I don't know." Tommy shrugged and then began waving wildly. "Got to go, Tabby looks murderous."

I watched as he left and turned to looked at Brainy.

"Who's Ty and Tabby?"

"Ty would be my older cousin who works here and Tabby would be Thomas' girlfriend." Brainy smiled as he led me over to the bar.

"What can I getcha ya?" I looked at the girl who was looking down at some books but talking to us.

"I don't know." Brainy smiled brightly. "Maybe a nice Pink Panther."

The girl looked up and smiled brightly.

"B!" She practically jumped over the counter flinging her arms around Brainy, who was clearly enjoying it.

"How's it hanging?" He said once she let go.

I looked at her. She was about my height, tanned, and pretty. She wasn't like Rhonda or Lila pretty, she was just pretty. She had soft honey colored eyes that looked as if they were painted on. There were specks of caramel and brown detailed into the honey coloring. She had short hair that flipped off her face and moved ever so slightly with her body. The best part was her hair was dyed a light pink and made her look almost spyish. She was wearing a tight, sleeveless red vest with a pair of black jeans and black boots. She had on silver jewelry with red and pink stones as charms.

I wonder who she is.

"Helga this is Tyler." I smiled and reached out my hand. She gently shook it.

"I know what your thinking. How the hell can I be related to him?" She smiled and then laughed. She had a really pretty laugh.

"It's so nice to meet you." I heard myself say.

"Oh wow, such a sweetheart." She smiled at Brainy and then reached over the bar. "I'm taking a break!"

"FINE!" I looked to see a short man with thin hair shake his head as he went back to making drinks.

"Anyway!" She smiled as she began walking towards the back of the club. There were couches and big comfy chairs as you passed a curtain. This place was large and mysterious. She sat on one of the couches and relaxed. "I have had the longest ten hours of my life!"

Oh great, she's as dramatic as Brainy. I see the family resemblance.

"What you do?" Brainy said as he sat on the love seat perpendicular to the couch.

"Classes, had to take grandma to the airport, had to take Marci to dance, then I had to drive all the way to see Candy and Geoffrey, and now work! I tell you B, it's a mad world outside this place." Wow, she was a very busy person. She could be more then my age, how can she do so much?

"How old are you?" I asked. My curiosity was boiling.

"Twenty." She shook her head as if twenty was a horrible age. I looked her over. It had to be doing something right for her. "I can't wait to get done with this semester."

"It just started Panther." Brainy smirked.

"Shut up." She waved him off tiredly.

"I love the pink hair." I smiled.

"Thank you!" She said excitedly. "I had lighter hair then yours and then one day I just went to my friends house, drank some Dr. Pepper, and before I knew it began sporting the pink hair." She laughed.

"You're mom must have been thrilled." I smiled. She laughed and waved it off.

"My mom walks around with purple streaks in her hair. She's thirty six and still acts sixteen." Wow.

"My aunt is a child at heart."

"She's a teenager at heart, don't let him fool you." She smiled. "So, what's going down with you guys?"

"Nothing, just getting out." Brainy smiled.

"Uh huh. You spend the majority of your weekend here."

"I didn't say we were going anywhere." I smiled. They had an extremely close relationship. They were like brother and sister. It was a sweet sentiment.

"Oh crap." She looked at her watch and smiled at us. "I better get back on shift. Want anything to drink?"

"Soda." Brainy smiled. Both sets of eyes turned to look at me.

"Water is fine." I smiled.

Tyler smiled and nodded and then walked back through the curtain, into the sea of people.

"She's sweet." I smiled as I moved from the arm of the love seat to next to Brainy.

"Thanks." He smiled as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

I leaned in closer to him.

I never knew how good he smelt.

(I know things. I'm not the same girl from grammar school. I haven't seen the same things as you. I'm not the same girl you knew. But I know. I know a lot more now. Are you scared yet?)

We had spent an hour at the club of sorts. We had stayed in the back area and just talked. I've decided that talking isn't as bad as I made it out to be. It's not bad at all really. Maybe it's because with Brainy, I don't have to talk that much. I don't have to explain myself. He knows. He knows what I'm about to say, how I meant it, and how I feel about it.

It's almost amazing.

I forgot what it was like to be able to talk without talking. Maybe I didn't forget. Maybe I didn't know.

"So, I told her, Rhonda, baby, darling, puh-lease get over yourself. And she laughed and waved me off. I was like, what the hell?" He began laughing. I think I laughed too, but that's not important.

I'm not sure what's important, but that's not it.

I looked at his soft eyes and felt my lips curl up slightly. There is something about him that I just can't get out of my mind. He's like my replacement Arnold. If that makes any sense at all.

It's weird. You think that the world has turn it's back on you. You lose friends, you lose family, you lose yourself, and everything you have ever thought just doesn't fit right. And then, like a dream, you meet this person. This human being that just makes up for every jerk and moron you've ever met. They make up for everything bad that has happened to you, everything that tried to destroy you. They are your hope. Granted, I'm not one to believe in hope, I'm not one to believe in anything. But then, I look at him. His soft eyes, that face, that hair, that smile, and I believe that maybe it'll get better.

Don't get me wrong, it was suppose to get better with Arnold. It was suppose to be different with Arnold. Plans don't always go the way you expect them too. Quite thee contrary, they go astray. This is what life is all about, however. That is how you live.

I like him, Brainy that is. It's simply that. I do like him, I think he's a wonderful person, and he might just save me. He knows things. He knows things that I don't know. That no one else knows. I don't know how he knows, but he knows.

I think he likes me. There's a chance he likes me. I guess it's hard to believe someone can honestly like me. I mean, I want someone to like me, but this isn't always the case. Arnold was different, he liked me, he might have even loved me, but Arnold doesn't know. Arnold can't see.

So how can Brainy see?

"Are you listening?" I looked over at him. I could feel the guilt wash over my face. I had no clue what he was talking about. "It's ok, I've been ranting and raving for what seems like forever anyway. You talk."

Is he joking?

"I don't think I have anything else to say." I smiled and leaned back into the couch.

"Oh come on. There must be something you want to say." He nudged me slightly.

"Um… no." I smirked.

"No cynical view of life? No bad remark on how the girls of this generation are sluts? No gushing over the bain of your existence?"

"Arnold?" Arnold had proven to be a sore spot for Brainy. Not only was he a sore spot but he was something Brainy tended to use as an icebreaker. I assume it's because Arnold was that important in my life.

"Are there any other bains of your existence?" He smirked.

"I don't want to talk about Arnold." I sighed and looked at him. He had amazing eyes. Hazel, that turned different colors at different times. Blue, green, and then sometimes just resting at Hazel. It's funny that I notice this. I thought I had forgotten what details were.

"Then what do you want to talk about?" His face was close to mine. I could feel his breath on my neck.

"Nothing." I whispered as I turned my head slightly. He had a smirk on his lips and laughter in his eyes. He looked perfect.

I had forgotten what perfection was.

I leaned in closer and allowed my lips to rest softly on his. The ball was in his court. It didn't take long for his lips to give in. It didn't take long for him to wrap his arms around me.

It didn't take long for the guilt to wash over my body as I allowed my self to be taken in by his taste.

Dammit.

Where the hell do I go from here?