I don't know what I wrote, I don't know what my "inspiration" was for this chapter, I just don't know. So… hmm… this chapter is… weird? Odd? Awkward? Just, go with it. Because, as usual, I don't what the hell my logic was. Chapter 16, I promise will be better. I don't know when Chapter 16 will be out, but it'll be… better. Or, well, less like the confusing thing, this chapter is. To be perfectly honest, the story is slightly based on my own life. And well, currently, my life is a little messy. So, I just hope you can bare through the messiness :). Enjoy!

(The countryside is beautiful this time of year. Too bad it doesn't last.)

I thought that the kiss was the beginning of the end. I thought, "here we go, another disaster waiting to happen". I figured it wasn't long before the world had another reason to include me in its way of life.

But I was wrong.

It had been 3 days, eight hours, and forty-five minutes since the kiss. I won't sit here and tell you it was a horrible kiss and I am now turned off from kissing until the day I die. Quite the contrary. It was one of the most amazing kisses of my life. For the record, I have only kissed two guys. Even my first kiss with Arnold was nothing compared to my first kiss with Brainy. Nothing.

This doesn't mean that I like Brainy better then Arnold, nor does it mean that I have forgotten Arnold. Merely, it was an amazing kiss.

Now, you see, I'm confused.

Of course Brainy has still called me and still talks to me every chance he gets. But he hasn't brought up the kiss, hasn't mentioned the emotions, and hasn't even assumed to suggest that I enjoyed it. It's like it never happened. Granted, I have been known to make up situations that have never happened. I have a highly active imagination. Some call it a gift. I tend to think of it as personality default.

Let's digress.

Anyway, I don't know anymore. Well, I've never really known. But, you get the idea.

, I don't know anymore. Well, I've never really . But, you get the idea.

I'm babbling quite nicely.

I need to calm down and revert to the girl who doesn't give. I need to get back to the dark place and sit there for a little while. I need too—

"Hey babe."

That bastard.

I turned around and smiled as Brainy gave me a quick hug and a peck on the cheek.

"You are looking quite ravishing today."

"Thanks." I smiled as I continued to pull books from my locker.

"Rhonda is having another party this Friday. The girl ceases to amaze me. She is insisting I go. Would you mind?"

I have no actually reason to mind. Brainy and me are just friends not only are we just friends, I'm not suppose to care.

"Why would I mind?" I smiled and looked at him.

"Ok, I won't go." He smirked and then proceeded to close my locker and lean against it.

"No, I don't care. You can go." I shrugged.

"Uh huh. I see."

"You know, shut up." I smirked and began walking faster then him.

He was a good six or more inches then me and found himself keeping up with my brisk pace easily. I turned to stick my tongue out at him when I found myself colliding with someone.

This time no one caught me.

"Are you ok?" I looked a Brainy who was instantly kneeling besides me and then up at the blonde haired boy. He looked slightly guilty and uncomfortable. I didn't figure out why until I saw the red haired girl standing next to him.

"I'm sorry." He said guiltily.

"Are you ok?" Brainy repeated as a whirlwind of things flew around my mind.

"I'm fine." I heard a voice say. It took me a few seconds but I realized I was speaking through the situation. I was talking.

"Are you sure?" Arnold said, helping Brainy help me. I gently shoved Arnold off a little as I leaned into Brainy. I didn't want to lean into Brainy but it had been a hard fall. Or maybe I'm just making excuses.

"I'm fine." I repeated as I dusted myself off. Lila was frowning slightly, as if she had been worried, but her eyes held a smirk. A very proud, "haha" type of smirk.

"We better get to class." Brainy gave a half smile and then began pulling me towards the classroom. This wouldn't have been so bad if Arnold hadn't grabbed my arm.

"Wait, you don't look ok, maybe you should go to the nurse's office."

"Thank you. But I'm fine." I mumbled.

"We'll see you later." Brainy said slightly up beat.

"Helga." I turned and looked at those green eyes. Those big, worried eyes. I could feel myself slipping. His hair was slightly over his forehead; his lips were drawn in a straight ling. He looked at me almost longingly.

Then again, I do have a highly active imagination.

Maybe, just this once, he might have missed me. He might have wanted me.

"I'm fine." I gently nudged Brainy to the side and turned my head so I could only see forward.

I then began walking briskly forward.

I had to go forward.

(It's not the looking back I'm having issues with, it's looking back and seeing you that has me worried.)

I sat on the bench in the park. My eyes were filled with unshed tears. I had shed enough tears, for anyone.

Maybe I should have shed them for myself.

I don't know what had gotten to me. I don't know what had been said or done to have me skip school. I felt the need to salvage myself. Not that I know how to salvage myself. I can't have the knight on the white horse and I can't save myself, I'm pretty much screwed.

The irrational thing here, is that I know that guys do like me. I have had guys, in the past, like me like that. None of them acted upon it, but I do know they did like me. But now, here I am, sitting by myself, trying to figure it all out.

I hate this. I'm going to end up alone, with like fish or something, and I know this. I can't imagine myself with anyone. Maybe I could have never imagined myself with Arnold. Maybe that's another figment of my imagination. Maybe Brainy is a figment of my imagination. I want him to like me like that. I want to believe that he thinks about me the way I've been thinking about him. I want to know that he secretly does stupid little things just to see me smile or just to see my eyes light up. I want him to want me, the way I want him.

Where the hell did all this come from? When the hell did I begin liking him? What the hell?

When did I start liking him like this? Wasn't it only weeks ago that my mind was clouded with thoughts of Arnold? Wasn't it mere months ago I was swearing off love? Hasn't it been a lifetime of misery and pain? Do I honestly deserve to have to go through the whole crap of crushes, infatuations, and love?

"It just happened", might be my only defense. And "it'll get better, eventually" can't even describe the anguish I'm going to go through until all of this is settled.

So, when does the sun finally begin shinning down on me?

Then again, I don't think I'm ready to come in from the rain.

(I watch him watch me. And I know there's something there, but I can't tell for sure. And I want to believe he harbors feelings for me but I don't know. All these stupid games are killing me. And I can't tell if it's really happening, or if I'm imagining it all.)

"The school called." I looked up to see my mother sitting on the couch with a bunch of papers spread around her.

"I skipped." I sighed as I dropped my book bag in the hall and leaned against the doorframe.

"I told them you felt sick and that you stayed home." She smiled softly at me. "I must admit that I don't necessarily mind you not going to school here or there, but you have to at least tell me in advance."

"Thanks." I smiled as I leaned my head against the doorframe. "I just… I'm just a little too confused to have to think academically."

"I see." She smiled and leaned back into the couch. "Does it have to do with the boy who took you out on Friday?"

"Yeah." I sighed.

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not really, at least not right now. I'm too wound up to express it to real people." She nodded and smiled brightly.

"Whenever your ready."

"I know." I smiled and then turned around, slowly making my way to my bedroom.

I need to learn to save myself. I don't how long it's gonna take for Prince charming to come to my rescue. I still do believe in prince charming, I am that pathetic. I need to pretend that I have a knight on a white horse coming to save me from myself. I want the fairytale. I may not seem like a person who would want it. But I do.

I never had the fairytale as a child; I deserve to have it now.

I deserve the happily ever after.

I deserve to at least know if he really does like me. I don't even think I care who he is.

I know that Brainy likes me. I don't necessarily care if he loves me. I'm not ready for love. I just need to be sure he likes me. Because I have figured out that I do like him. I don't know why, whether it's because he's a decent human being or if it's because I know he does like me. Or well, I assume he likes me. There's a slim chance he likes me. I'm babbling.

He makes me babble.

Excuse me as I go bang my head against a wall.

What happened to Arnold though? I do love him. But, I don't seem to care.

No, I do care. I think I care. I still dream about him. I still want to touch him, to feel him, to taste him. Only now, I want to feel Brainy, I want to talk with Brainy; I want to taste Brainy.

So, please, tell me, what the hell is wrong with me?

This is where not having any girl pals really sucks.

Well, now that I have confused myself to new levels of confusion I will just go sleep. Sleep sounds good. You can't get hurt with sleep.

Sleep is salvation.

(The problem is not that no one feels for me. The problem is I personally can not fathom anyone feeling for me.)

"Are you ok?" I turned and found myself looking into a pair of soft green eyes. I was lost for a moment, but quickly found the strength to turn back around to my locker.

"Yes, I'm ok." I said, pulling and pushing books in and out of my locker.

"I guess we can't help but bump into each other." He chuckled.

"I guess we can't." I whispered.

"Helga, please, I don't want to lose you. At least not farther then this."

I closed my eyes and tightened my grip on the book I was about to bring out of the locker. I wish I had some witty response to tell him. I wish there was something I could say that could revert time. Something that could fix this.

Where the hell did it change?

"You aren't losing me." I turned and looked at him. I might have been holding back a few tears, but I feel justified to hold back tears. "We're just… going separate ways. It best be now then later."

"No." He took a hold of my arm and shook his head. "I miss you, Ok? Is that what you need to hear? I am the biggest moron in the world. I am the stupidest male that has ever walked this good earth. I'm not worthy to be with you." Am I dreaming?

"Arnold, I…" I didn't know what to say. Where the hell was all of this coming from?

"I… I'm sorry." He began shaking his head. "You don't need this."

I remember opening my mouth and then closing it, and then reopening it. I closed my eyes tightly.

"I don't need this." I opened my eyes to see him nodding and smiling sadly.

"I know." He gently let go of my arm and proceeded to turn around. He stopped, however, and looked at me once more. "I'm sorry."

I watched as he walked away and leaned against my locker.

"Yeah, me too."

(The three most damaging words, when placed next to each other, in the English language are love, you, and I. They can make or break you. No one gets over a broken heart.)

Guys suck.

That's as simple as it is. Guys suck. Maybe not all guys, but the majority. At least this is how I perceive it. Not only do guys suck, people suck. If I had any kind of a rational head on my shoulders I would move to Nevada and live in the desert where I could be alone, twenty-four/seven, three hundred and sixty five days. It seems almost ideal.

And yes, I am very much well aware that moving to Nevada to live in solitude is not rational, but you learn not to get hurt when your alone. You learn to not care, there's no one around for you to care about. Though you may live a boring, unfulfilled heartache of a life. You must admit; the idea of never getting hurt again is quite fulfilling.

But then again, this is why I see a therapist once a month. I think I need to up the sessions. Maybe once a week.

Maybe I should just get over this idealistic dream of Arnold and concentrate on figuring out what the hell I'm doing here. Lord knows I don't have a clue what my purpose is.

So, get over Arnold and concentrate on myself, allow Brainy to enter my life, move forward. Seems like a busy list of 'things to do'.

Where do I start though?