ACT 1
Scene 1: Fair and Foul Hurly Burly - Newspaper Room
Bitchy student writer 1: There! We finished our article!
BSW 2: When should we give it to Mr. Rex?
BSW 3: When the hurly burly's done!
BSW 2: What are you talking about?
BSW 3: I dunno, I read it in a book somewhere.
BSW 1: Let's print it out and give it to him tomorrow.
BSW 2: Cool. I love predicting the future, it sooo foul!
BSW 3: Yet so, so fair and so, so fun.
Scene 2: Sentence Fragments and Paranoid Schizophrenia - Hallway
Rex: Nice day, but the students have been acting especially evil, haven't they?
Notluf: Yup Rex. Something unnatural is up. I saw a football player help a mathelete girl with her books.
Rex: Didn't most of them actually pass their classes this quarter.
Notluf: I even had to give some of those jocks "Bs"
Rex: Wow, buddy you're getting soft."
Enter students
BSW 2: Mr. Rex, our paper article is done!
Rex: Lemme read it.
Reads article, with Notluf reading over shoulder
Rex: Teacher Rex becomes head of English Department, and Principal thereafter!
Notluf: Lesser but greater! Not so happy yet much happier! Hey, these are all improper sentences! What is this featurette about anyway?
BSW 1: Why you of course. Angelic smile
Rex: to students You can't honestly expect us to believe what a couple of punk students wrote. I know you are trying to write a couple of issues ahead, but seriously.
BSW 3: We gotta go!
BSW 1: Can you write us a pass?
Rexford writes pass
Students laugh diabolically
Exit students
Enter principal
Rex: Dr. Digs
Principal: I just fired Anne Hathaway for questioning my authority. Rex, you'll be the new English Department Head. I especially liked your budget report we'll save so much money, but you still won't get a pay increase.
Exit principal
Rex: Wow, those kids were right! Maybe I'm supposed to become Principal! If I could only get rid of my colleague Digs I could rule this High School with greatness. Ultimate Power! Mwahahaha. My Vice Principal love interest would be so pleased.
Notluf: under breath Can you say paranoid schizophrenia.
Enter Dr. K
Dr. K: I think I'm going to become the new English Department head. I've got a real good feeling about it and I just wrote that amazing budget report for the principal!
Notluf: cough cough Uh, Dr. K, Mr. Rex just got promoted.
Dr. K: I hate my life, I never get any credit.
Exit Dr. K
Rex: Maybe I should become Principal! The students seemed to want me to. You want in?
Notluf: Well, alright, but I'm not helping you, because I'm only loyal to myself.
Scene 3: A Politically Correct Staple Gun - Staff Lounge
Vice Principal: Hello, Mr. Rex.
Rex: Oh, it's nice to see you, Vice Principal.
VP: How many times do I have to tell you to call me Melinda?
Rex: Okay Mellie. I have a plan to kill Dr. Digs and become the new Principal. You want in?
VP: Good, I hate him. What's in it for me?
Rex: You can date the most influential person in the school.
VP: Well, I'll think about it, you do know how much I love power.
Rex: I'll raise your salary.
VP: Deal. Here, you can use my staple gun.
Rex: I dunno. This sounds a little dangerous, don't you think? I'm pretty sure it's a crime. I mean staples, they're so messy.
VP: Well, don't be gay about it!
Rex: I believe the politically correct term is homosexual.
VP: Whatever, I'll be in my office. When the bell rings, you have passing time to kill him. Everyone will be busy, dozens of dazed teachers with the coffee machines whirring and hundreds of locker slamming students. It's perfect.
Rex: But, that's only five minutes.
VP: Hey, if five minutes is enough time to get from the four building to the nine building, it's enough time to kill a guy.
Rex: But five minutes isn't enough time to get from the four-
VP: Did I tell you to talk? Now, go.