Veniae

by teresa

Raven searches for a way to reverse the process that has imprisoned Terra, but along the way, she finds more than she bargained for. Rated PG13 just to be safe.

1. Part One

This is a long bit of a one-shot that I wrote as a gift for a friend of mine, a lovely person who has spent many a weeknight and Saturday evening enjoying Teen Titans with me. This is for Rhi, and I hope it finds her happily. Well…it is actually split into two parts, but that is only because was unhappy with how ginormous it was…weak. I would like to thank my younger sister Jade for her invaluable assistance and guidance when it came to certain technical details in this story, namely the entire "process," (you'll know what that is by the end) and also, for her help in picking a title and names for about a jillion potions. I have long helped her, and she has long helped me, and I think both of our stories have benefited from it.

Know that this story is in first person POV, and it is in the present tense, something that I generally never do, but somehow, Raven demanded it, so I did it that way. Enjoy.

Warning: Please note that this story, while not graphic, does contain two girls kissing, and if you have a huge problem with this, then I suggest you not read it. If you hate it, you aren't the one person audience it is aimed for anyway, so I could care less, and your flame is just a waste of time, as I will only laugh at it before promptly deleting it.

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Veniae

Part One

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Non est ad astra mollis e terris via(There is no easy way from the earth to the stars)

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I often forget whether I am living or dead, whether the place I am is here or there, whether I have already seen that movie or this play, or read the book I am holding either never before or ten times over. I cannot recall without effort what it was I last ate, when I last slept, where I last fought, why I last felt the whisper of contentedness, whether I have ever truly felt anything, or if I am only part of some grand universal farce. This is not to say I am absentminded or forgetful, nor that I am truly as detached from my own existence as many suspect. I just tend not to dwell on these things. I concentrate my energies on meditation and on control. I sometimes wonder if it would not be simpler to release myself from these restraints and become the sort of being my father was. Is it truly evil to live in the way that is easiest?

For the answer to that question, I often turn my thoughts to Terra.

Much like me, she had a difficult task before her in controlling her powers, and while in my case, the choice was either learn control, or let my powers take hold of me entirely, I do not believe she ever considered the latter as a feasible option. In her heart, was Terra evil? At one time, I would have answered yes, but now I can say with assuredness no, she was not. I know the answer to that question easily enough, and the only thing that troubles me is how easily I can answer for her, when I remain unsure about the nature of my own heart. She did horrible things, but she repented her sins, threw herself before the will of the forces that be, and was returned to the light, embraced inextricably by the very earth she had always controlled.

I wonder if she can still think in that state. If she can hear and see and feel, and is waiting for us to return to her with the key to her self-constructed cage, or if she is frozen in time, and should we free her some day, she will feel as if she were stopping that eruption only moments ago, rather than being aware days, weeks, months, or perhaps years have passed since she had last been free. If one could truly say she felt freedom before that. Terra always seemed to me to be free from the weight of her responsibility, and I think that is one reason I begrudged her the place she held amongst us. She was taunting me with her very existence; the impossibility of it all seemed an insult to me. That she could so easily find what I took years to master, and that she could have everything else I had ever longed for at the same time. She was something I had always wished to be, in the secret depths of my heart.

She was also a reminder of the dangers that lay along the road of temptation. To take the easy way out, it seemed, was to throw oneself at the mercies of the universe. She was by no means destroyed, but perhaps I would not be, either. Perhaps I would only be driven away from this place that I have come to love, and these people who are more like family to me than anyone who shares my blood. That is enough risk to keep me strictly in line. Without my friends, I would lose much of what keeps me sane. I think that perhaps Terra and I are very similar in that respect. Without friends, she had nowhere to turn, no way of knowing right from wrong, no reason for caring much about such distinctions. Too easily, I could tread the same path as her. Her salvation, in a way, is my own. If I can save her…if I can bring her back, free her from the darkness she is frozen in, then perhaps…

I only hope that if I were to stumble, someone would help me up.

That is what Terra needs now. Who am I to deny her this absolution?

But the deepest truth of it is this: I miss her.

"Raven," the voice startles me out of my meditation and reflection. Robin's tone is gruff, authoritative, and I know that he is not interrupting me for pointless chatter. I admire his sense of purpose, and I understand his intensity, even if it does get out of hand at times. He is a good leader, a strong ally, and a great friend. "I want you to take a look at something."

"All right." He is abrupt, but I am as well. Without anything further, I follow him across the tower to his bedroom. My own room is not as utterly ordered as Starfire's, and instead, books and occasional magical objects are left in a place where I can access them more conveniently. Beast Boy has the messiest room by far, apparently feeling that he should live in conditions fit only for a beast, most appropriately. Cyborg's room is not messy per se, but it is certainly crowded with half-finished projects, inventions, and various other odds and ends that seem to all be placed with deliberation so that any careless visitor might trip over at least half of them. Robin's room is something like most people would imagine. There are very few things present that speak of his personal life, and those are hidden from prying eyes. Instead, clippings and various devices, either weapons he is repairing or some that he is developing, are the only visible belongings, giving the vague impression that he lives, eats, sleeps, and breathes crime fighting.

As I said, he is very intense.

However, during this particular visit, I note immediately that his desk, usually housing some half-constructed device or other such bit of work, is covered in books and papers, which surround a very well used set of chemistry tools. Some of the papers have overflowed the bounds of the desk, and there are three books, one of them open, spanning the floor space between the desk and the crisply made bed.

"Read any good books lately?" I arch a dark brow in his direction, and he lets out a sheepish chuckle.

"Since it's been quiet, I've been working on Terra's problem." He explains, a sweeping gesture indicating the main area of study. "Sorry for the mess." He doesn't really sound sorry, and I don't care. Anyone who can brave Beast Boy's room would find Robin's sanctuary a cakewalk even at its worst. I am, however, intrigued to know that he has been looking for a solution to the problem I myself was pondering only moments ago.

"Found anything interesting?" I ask, and as answer, he hands me a decrepit tome that would certainly look more at home in my personal library than Robin's. It is yellowed, tattered, and clearly older than the pair of us put together. The title marks it as an antiquated chemistry text. I let it open carefully, knowing from experience that old books are very delicate treasures, and I would feel sorry to destroy anything without intending to.

"Turn to page two-hundred seventy." He moves as though to turn to the desired page for me, moving so that he can view the book right side up, and I diligently pretend not to be bothered by his vicinity. All of the Titans are well aware that I am uncomfortable with closeness and casual touching or affection, but Robin can forget a lot when he is excited about something. This had better be good. "Right here." A green-gloved finger indicates a passage that refers briefly to the possibility of a Philosopher's stone, a substance sought for its supposed ability to grant eternal life and to change normal stones into gold.

"Alchemy…Flamel…Philosopher's stone…" I mutter key phrases before giving him a dry look as I finish, disappointed with the passage, which told me nothing I did not already know. "Fascinating, Robin. Your point?"

"Well," he shifts slightly, a hand going unconsciously to his hair as is typical when he is nervous. At least he's moved away from me, and I close the book with a bit more force than is necessary or probably advisable. "I've heard of alchemy, but it is usually disregarded these days as one of the less…accurate branches of science. But it got me to thinking. I've been looking for some sort of chemical or molecular cure for Terra's condition, but what if the problem is that it takes chemistry and magic? Could there be some sort of…potion or something out there that could change stone back to flesh?"

"Nothing that I can think of." I answer him honestly enough. My continued research into finding a solution has not affected the cleanliness of my room, but I have been looking. Perhaps alchemy is a good place to redirect the search towards, but I could tell with one glance what Robin was thinking, and it would not be happening. "And before you ask, alchemy is not as simple as you throwing some materials together and me zapping them with my powers. Potion-making is even less like that, so even if I were to find something in that avenue, the most you could do to help would be to stay out of my way and take care of my shopping list."

"Easy, Raven, I'm not trying to muscle in on your territory or anything." Robin's look is a bit disappointed, so he need not waste his breath on denials I can see straight through anyway. "I just thought that I'd offer it up as an option."

"Fine. Thanks." I hand him the book and leave without further conversation. I consider returning to meditation, but now that I've been interrupted, I might as well go to my room and rifle through the books, see if I can't find some sort of lead. I am a bit annoyed that the alchemy angle didn't occur to me before, but in my defense, I have a lot of past issues with Terra, and it is quite hard to think clearly when judgment becomes clouded by emotion.

Just another reason not to feel anything. It only leads to trouble.

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Aut viam inveniam aut faciam (I will either find a way or make one)

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She has begun to haunt my dreams. I hate dreams. They are something like meditation, but they are entirely out of my control, and I hate being out of control in any aspect. To think that the dreams are my own creations only makes me that much more annoyed with them. Disturbingly, I find a sick sort of pleasure-pain in Terra's presence, a shadow of a memory mixed within the depths of my mind, recreated where I have no way to escape her or ignore her presence. Sometimes we talk, and that is all. The two of us sit in my room, discussing topics that are all avoiding the issue of her betrayal or her current state. In my dreams, those things have not happened, and so I do not think to bring them up. Other times, I merely relive memories. Those dreams can confuse me, as they are slightly different with each occasion, and I have started to doubt the truth of my own memories. What did I actually say to her that afternoon in the park? Did she really make breakfast for us on occasion, or was that Beast Boy, with her watching? What color towel did she use? Why do I care?

Certainly it makes sense that I would worry at the validity of my memories, but certain inane details can be forgotten or altered without changing the essence of the thing. She is still Terra, a friend, an enemy, and finally a friend again. A kindred spirit, more like me than anyone could hope to realize. Maybe I am taking all of this too seriously. But the idea that I could be forgotten worries me, and each blurred detail makes me that much more determined to have Terra back so that she is neither gone nor forgotten. Not that we have any of us forgotten her, but in time, all things fade. Or change.

"Hey, Raven, wanna try my all new ultra-delicious top-secret recipe tofu stir fry?" Beast Boy's voice interrupts my introspection, and I lower the book that I was reading to level a dry glare at him. He is wearing a ridiculous apron and carrying a fork in one hand and a steaming pot of what looks suspiciously like compost in the other, smiling brightly in my direction.

"I think I'll pass, thanks." I answer him, successfully keeping a straight face even as he trades in his smile for the pitiful puppy eyes.

"Aw, come on! Just an itty bite! It's not like it's poisoned or anything, see?" he eats a heaping forkful himself and then smiles at me again. I weigh my options. I can either agree to a small sample of this tofu terror, or I can pretend not to notice his existence for the half an hour it will take until he eats it all himself. Blinking, I raise my book again, studiously keeping my eyes on the page. "Come on Rae! You guys are always like this, but I swear it's really good, and if you just tried a teeny bit of it, you'd see…"

At about this point, I stop really listening to what he's saying, and his pleas fade into a sort of fuzzy background noise that is more amusing than irritating. I feel like I will never understand Beast Boy. I shy away from attention, and he always wants to be the center of it all. Even Starfire is capable of being serious and concentrating and sitting still for longer than five minutes. I think the longest Beast Boy has ever been still and quiet was when he passed out for three hours after transforming into a monster.

I wonder if somewhere, below that surface of exuberance and good humor is the sad boy I heard crying in his room for days after Terra betrayed us. I wonder if he has ever taken time to be by himself and think about any of the more troubling aspects of life as a hero. Once, Cyborg said that Beast Boy doesn't want people to look at him seriously because he is afraid he won't measure up, so he spends all his time joking around. I know that Beast Boy could never claim to be the strongest member of the team in a battle, and I think perhaps that really bothers him. He sees the special importance of each member of the team except for himself. So maybe he thinks that his place is secure only as everyone's friend. That is why he tries so desperately to endear himself to each of us. He doesn't see that the power of his loyalty is a force to be reckoned with. When we are in trouble, or whenever one of us is hurt, his vengeance is horrible and swift. He is capable of more than he believes.

And in that one respect, we are the same. I know that if I believe in myself, I am much stronger…but it is hard. He knows this difficulty as well as I do.

There are similarities between all of us, if we look deeply enough. And it does not take much to tie two people together as true friends. Even if I ignore his tofu stir fry. Daring a glance up, I see that Beast Boy has left his post of pleading in front of me where he could have hoped to catch my eyes if they lifted from the book, and is now finishing off his food on the couch next to me. He is not very close, but I can certainly smell the soy sauce and fried vegetables, and I am rather glad I turned down his creation.

"Whatcha reading?" he asks, barely able to enunciate around a mouthful of…well, I suppose you can call it food. Anyway, whatever his mouth is full of, I am only just able to understand him because he so often speaks with his mouth full that I have become used to translating the garbled smacking noises into English.

"A book." I give him the barest of smiles to let him know I am only teasing him before closing the thick volume and handing it to him. "Careful, it's old."

"On the Prima Materia…" he reads the cover after much chewing and swallowing, thankfully wiping his hands before opening it. "What's it about?"

"Alchemy." I answer shortly. At his clueless wide-eyed stare, I elaborate slightly, "It seemed like a good idea to read about magical transfiguration if I wanted any clues as to how I could help cure Terra."

"Terra?" the way his voice cracks on those two syllables suddenly makes me aware of the casual tone used on my own name, and I feel again the awkward separation that has always marked my relationship with Beast Boy. We have never been able to define the level of closeness we share, and sometimes we seem as distant from each other as two people can be, but at other times, I feel he knows me better than anyone. Right now, I feel like he wouldn't know if I disappeared right before his eyes. "Do…do you have any good leads?"

"Not really, no." I sigh deeply. "It is hard work, and very tedious. There are a lot of books to be looked through for some suggestion of the possibility of stone to flesh, and so far, I have found nothing specific."

"Oh," he seems disappointed for a moment, and he flips through the book thoughtfully. "Could I help at all?"

"I…don't know." I know how hard it must be for Beast Boy, of all people, to sit around and wait without being able to contribute to the resurrection of Terra, but honestly, academia was never his strength.

"I know I'm not all that smart, and I don't know a lot about alchemy and that sort of stuff," he begins, and I know from his tone that this speech will, at some point, involve a very pathetic puppy-eyed look from him, "but this is for Terra, and if there's anything I can do…" and there is the face.

"You…well, you could take notes for me." I suppose this is not a great responsibility, since I have a nearly photographic memory and have little need of notes, but if he wants to help so badly, what harm can there be? "Of course, there's nothing I've found yet, so you don't have to take anything down."

"Okay!" Beast Boy is clearly pleased with this, and he gives me a broad grin before handing me back my book. "I'll go clean the kitchen. You get back to that book!"

He wants her back so badly. I want her back, too, but I wonder if the intensity of his feelings make my own seem pale and pathetic in comparison.

In any case, this additional pressure of knowing that he is counting on me to help Terra only makes me work twice as hard. There must be a way. I will be sure of that, and if I am sure of it, the way will eventually be made obvious to me.

Then a thought occurs to me.

Alchemy is all about creating something from different elements, each of which contain a piece of the final product. If there is not a formulated spell for bringing a stone girl back to flesh, could one not be created? I know so much magic, and I am sure that some spells seem to be little more than combinations of other, simpler spells. If there really is a way to turn stone to flesh, and it is not in any of my books, perhaps it is waiting to be created by me.

I retreat to my room. This could work.

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Facilius per partes in cognitionem totius adducimur (We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole)

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"Don't touch that." I speak without looking up as I hear a noise that is clearly not made by books or pen on paper.

"I wasn't, I was just looking." Beast Boy, in the middle of a break from his arduous note taking settles back down with his pen and paper.

"Don't look, just copy." I tell him, still not looking up. "I didn't invite you to my room to look at things. You're supposed to be helping."

"Hey, Raven, do you ever think about—" Beast Boy's no doubt stunning bit of philosophy is cut short by my own sharp instructions.

"Copy this spell." I thrust a book under Beast Boy's nose, on top of another book that he is already taking careful notes from. Who knew Beast Boy could do anything carefully?

"Yeah, after I finish the other five you want me to copy…man, Raven, are you sure you know what you're doing?" Beast Boy rolls his sore wrist momentarily as he looks up at me pathetically.

"Of course I know what I'm doing." I begin leafing through another book that I am positive had a potion used for hardening agents.

"Okay, well lemme go get something." Before I can tell him to get back to work, Beast Boy flees the room. Not that I expected him to last very long, but it has only been a few days of copying down spells and potions. Pursing my lips, I aim a glare at the spot where he sat moments ago and continue searching for the potion in question. "Okay, I'm back."

And so he is. But he has company.

"Since when is my room the party spot?" I ask dryly, frowning first at Beast Boy and then at his eager companion.

"Oh, but it is not a party that I am here for, Raven!" Starfire, unable to quietly watch the proceedings any longer, enters my room and sits excitedly amongst all the books Beast Boy was copying from moments ago. "Beast Boy told me that my services were required in the curing of Terra."

"Yeah, help me copy these down." Beast Boy instructs her, and once they both settle down, I stop feeling like such a complete martyr and return to my text. After all, they are my friends, and I enjoy their company, but it is always strange to have even one of them in my bedroom, much less the two most excitable members of the team. I feel almost as though their emotions are a thick cloud, suffocating me and threatening to overtake me. But this is for Terra, and if this is what it takes…

"Copy this potion." I hand the book I was looking through to Starfire, who nods eagerly, even though she is already taking notes from another book.

"This is fun." She speaks up after several minutes of silence.

"I bet it would be more fun if we could listen to music." Beast Boy's tone makes it clear that he is very saddened by the edict I feel the need to repeat at that moment while I search for my next book.

"No music, only copying." I tell him absently. "I am not hosting fun, I am hosting work." I find a book that I seem to recall included a wide variety of cure-alls in its pages, and I begin flipping through it hopefully. As I continue, I hear the unmistakable rustle of whispering from my two helpers' direction. I glance up, and they separate immediately, but as I look down, I hear it again, followed by a short bout of silenced laughter. "Are you two enjoying yourselves?" I ask, flipping another page.

"No!" Beast Boy answers immediately with what he seems to believe is the desired answer. I sigh loudly and look up at their sheepish grins.

"If you cannot work quietly, leave. I can't concentrate with your whispering and giggling." I tell them before turning back to my text.

"Sorry, Raven." Starfire apologizes immediately, and I wave the offense away as though I have already forgotten it.

"Do you guys want some lunch? Cause I'm getting pretty hungry." Beast Boy speaks up again after a respectably long stretch of quiet peace in my room.

"Yes, let us make a snack that will rejuvenate our spirits and refresh our minds!" Starfire is clearly in support of Beast Boy's suggestion, but I shake my head vaguely.

"Not hungry." I answer as I continue looking through the current volume. Just as they scurry out of the room, discussing what they might prepare for their midday meal, I look up at their work and am impressed to see that they have made a considerable amount of progress in the hours of spotty silence since Starfire joined us. Maybe in a few more hours they would copy down everything I had ready for them, and then my room could be my own again for the first time in days. One could only hope.

Soon enough, they return, and though they were attempting silence, their very presence is a sort of distraction, and I have to redouble my concentration to get any work done. However, it seems that the time passes quickly while I work amongst my friends, and there is pleasant warmth in the atmosphere, something which is rarely felt in my room. In fact, I was not aware that it is nearly the middle of the night until Starfire rises, yawning, and bids us all a good night before retiring.

"It's getting pretty late." Beast Boy speaks up moments after she left us, and I shrug in response. "Don't you ever get tired?"

"Not when there is work to be done." I answer honestly. "I don't operate the way most people do."

"Yeah, you're more like Robin." He chuckles slightly, and I blink at him curiously before he elaborates, "I mean, because you're really…into your work."

"I suppose." I turn back to my books, and it takes me a while to realize that I can no longer hear the sound of Beast Boy's pen scratching paper. When I glance up, I see that he is lying on his stomach, chin in his hands, staring at me. "Do you need something?"

"Do you remember your parents?" he asks me after a pause. I suddenly forget that I am looking through a book and stare at him fully.

"I suppose." I answer him vaguely.

"I mean, do you remember anything good? Like, did they read you stories before bedtime?" he asks, and I snort lightly at the very thought.

"Hardly. Is there a point to this?" I ask him.

"Not really." He shrugs slightly as his eyes wander over the stacks of books all around us. "I was just wondering if all you have are spell books or if you sometimes like to read stories too."

"Sometimes, yes." I answer, turning back to my book. But the sound of pen scratching still hasn't started up again.

"I bet you know a lot of really good stories." He persists, and I look up rather impatiently.

"Look, if you want a bedtime story right now, the closest you're getting is a collection of spells. I'm busy." I tell him sharply, returning to my work so that I don't need to see him moping, as he most likely is.

"Rae?" he speaks up again only a few minutes later, this time back to taking notes. I look up at him moodily, and he offers me a big smile. "You know how much this means to me, right? Cause I know Terra and you weren't like…the best of friends. I really appreciate you helping her out like this."

"It isn't like I'm doing it for your sake." I answer, unable to stop myself. "She was a good…team member."

"Still, thanks." He is sincere, and I sigh, releasing my prickly mood slowly.

"You're welcome." I get back to work, and it is hours before I realize that the scratching has stopped. This time, when I look up, Beast Boy is not looking back at me. He is fast asleep, his head cradled in the middle of the book he was copying from. My initial thought is that he might be drooling on my book, which seems a grand travesty to me. Carefully, I use my powers to bring my own pillow over, trading it out with the book under his face. After a moment, I put aside his pen and paper, and then summon a blanket to cover his small form before returning to my work, a tiny smile itching at the corners of my mouth.

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Aegroto, dum anima est, spes esse dicitur (It is said that for a sick man, there is hope as long as there is life)

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A month's worth of research, copying down spells and potions, tossing out some that I decide would be worthless, and adding others as inspiration struck, reading ancient texts on magical theory over and over again to be sure I know what I am doing lead me to where I have no choice but to end up. I take up my bundles of notes and outlines of half-formed ideas and remove myself from the tower, where everyone's questions and "encouragement" were starting to aggravate me. I drift aimlessly, and when I feel that I have found a quiet spot to reflect and ruminate, I lower into an all-too-familiar crater. It is at the moment of touchdown that I realize where I am, standing before her stone-cast features like a pilgrim led eventually to worship. I am not here to laud Terra, however. I am here to save her. To understand her, and to retrieve her from an almost fathomless darkness.

"Hello." It seems appropriate to greet her as I cross my legs and levitate a few feet off of the rocky path. The way is well-worn, and I know that if no one else has been to see Terra since the death of Slade, surely Beast Boy must visit from time to time. Certainly, I assume that Starfire would want to visit as well, and as my eyes take in the surroundings, I see that there are relatively fresh flowers resting at her feet. Who left them, I cannot say, but they left no trace of old petals from past offerings. It is nice to know she is not forgotten. I feel guilty that I have only visited once before, when I was in the company of the Titans, just after she stopped the volcano. "I would have come before, but I've been working." I hold up the thick sheaf of papers covered in the loopy scrawl of Beast Boy and the bubbly lettering of Starfire. "Research, to bring you back. I'm hoping to develop a method, since there is no way of transfiguring stone to flesh that I've found in my reading. Robin hasn't had any luck, either, and I know that Cyborg has been helping him out. Between two scientists and a sorceress, we're hoping we can come up with something."

It strikes me that I am talking to a statue, and that I should feel very foolish, but this is more than a statue, isn't it? This is Terra, cast in stone, waiting to be released. She must be lonely, alone here, waiting for whoever brings the flowers to come again. I wonder if it is Beast Boy, Starfire, or one of the other Titans. "I didn't know you liked flowers." I offer up, feeling guilty still that I only bring her endless sheets of paper as an offering. "Does Beast Boy bring you tofu?" I imagine Terra would appreciate the joke, and I can almost hear her laughter, sharp and young and full of raw emotion. I wonder if I can ever learn to let go of myself so completely, if it will ever be safe for me to do so.

Sighing, I use my powers to lift the stack of papers, and to separate them so that they form a rotating circular wall all around me. It is not a very well-formed wall, and I can still see Terra through the gaps between each sheet. My eyes flicker from one spell to the next, between potions and chants, ceremonies and star charts. With a sense of purpose, I begin to cull the large amounts of information, crumpling sheet after sheet as I see fit, mixing the remaining pieces as though I am trying to solve a puzzle.

I do not know how long I work, but as I continue, I am aware of the passage of light and shadow, hinting that at least one day has passed since I found this sanctuary of silence. I am certain of several elements that will be needed in the final culmination of this process, and the fact that I am so close to my goal only makes me continue to work without pause. There are no interruptions here, no questions, no assistants offering snacks or asking if I need to rest, no calls to battle petty thieves who clearly do not understand how important it is that I maintain my train of thought. I work for so long that I am aware of the faint twinge of hunger, which tells me that I must have gone for at least a week without food, as it often takes a long time for me to notice my hunger if I am involved in a task, and my unique constitution makes this less of a danger than it would be to normal humans.

"I think…it will work." I finally draw the final sheets of paper toward me, placing them carefully in an order that means more to me than to anyone else, I am sure, and unfold my legs. They are so stiff that I actually gasp out loud in surprise at the feel of my joints unbending and returning to a standing position. "I'll have to polish the process…make it more coherent, but this is it, Terra." I wave the papers at her unblinking face. "This is how I will cure you." She does not say anything, but I imagine she is pleased as I carefully scoop all of the discarded sheets, not wanting to leave a mess as I take to the sky and return to the tower, feeling happy, relieved, anxious, and very tired all at once.

"Raven!" Beast Boy nearly tackles me as soon as I land on top of the tower. Granted, he is only grabbing my arms, but I have been so long without food or sleep that I am considerably weakened. "Where have you been? Everyone's out looking! We've been trying to contact you!" I notice only then that my communicator is flashing, and it likely has been for quite some time. "I just switched out with Star, it was her turn to wait for you here, but Robin thought if we kept looking in different places, we'd get more done, so we've been switching shifts every few hours." He rambles on and I blink at him in surprise.

"How long was I gone?" I manage finally to get a word in, and he makes a face that clearly says he does not understand how I function, and doubts that he ever will. I privately agree with him.

"You've been gone for almost three weeks now. At first we thought you'd just gone to be by yourself a bit, but then you didn't turn up when Cyborg tried tracking you, and we all got worried." He tells me, confused as to how I can be unclear on this. "Hey…Rae…you look pale."

"Really?" I ask him dryly, brushing past him and walking as best I can, considering my legs have been in the same position for half a month, and now seem intent on punishing me.

"I mean, paler than usual. And you're walking…weird. Where were you?" he asks me again.

"I was in Terra's volcano." I answer, discovering that stairs are a challenge far beyond my legs at this moment. I levitate down them so that Beast Boy will stop hovering worriedly behind me. I hate hovering. "I was thinking."

"Thinking? For three weeks? About what?" he wants to know, and I wave the papers I still have in one hand at him as I reach the main room of the tower.

"This is the cure." I answer simply, and his eyes suddenly look like they are dangerously close to falling out of his face. "For Terra." I add unnecessarily. "I just needed some time to think about it, to figure it out. I didn't mean to worry you guys."

"When's the last time you ate?" Beast Boy recovers himself nicely, and puts his hands on his hips in a nice impression of motherliness. "Or slept?"

"Not since I left." I answer honestly, and he frowns at me so sternly, I actually feel a bit guilty for neglecting myself. "I wasn't tired. Or hungry." He raises his eyebrows at me, and I let out a long-suffering sigh. "Okay, maybe I was, but only a little. And I figured it out." I wave the papers at him again. He snatches them from me and puts them down on the coffee table.

"That's it, I'm making you waffles." He announces. "Call Robin and let him know you're all right."

"I don't—" I stop myself and pull out my communicator. "Yes, mom." I grumble as I hit the button to directly contact Robin.

"And sit down before you fall over!" he calls from the kitchen. I roll my eyes and plop down on the couch just as my call is answered.

-----

Post tenebras lux (After the darkness, light)

-----

"So what you're sayin' is that all this…" Cyborg waves at the carefully ordered notes I have stacked in front of me at the coffee table while he paces in front of the couch, "is gonna turn her back?"

"Wonderful!" Starfire interjects helpfully. She is sitting on one side of me, and has already hugged me twice since the rest of the Titans came back to the tower after being notified that I am, in fact, alive and perfectly healthy. Well, mostly. I would be healthier if Beast Boy, sitting on my other side, were not forcing me to eat my third waffle. I feel vaguely as though I might vomit. "This is great news! I am most pleased that your research has been successful, Raven." I duck forward for a bite of waffle just in time to avoid a third hug. Aliens and their constant hugging.

"How do we know for sure that this will work?" Robin, ever the scientist, is skeptical. "I mean, you just made this ceremony up? Can't you at least test it?"

"Yeah, what if it ends up making things worse?" Cyborg tacks on, still pacing. I wish he would stop. "What if she explodes or something?"

"She won't explode." I answer, my tone acid. "I'm hardly a novice with this sort of thing."

"But still," Robin is leaning against the wall, a hand on his chin in one of his favorite Pensive Hero poses, "have you done this sort of thing before? Formulating new spells…it sounds touchy."

"I know what I'm doing." I defend myself, not really angry with them for questioning me. They are valid questions, except that one about exploding. "I wish I could test it, but unless one of you know of any small animals trapped in stone form, there's really nothing I could test it on."

"It'll be fine, you guys." Beast Boy, who hasn't said anything except "now eat this" since the others returned, speaks up on my behalf. "Stop grilling her, she's tired."

"But we just want to be sure." Robin interjects.

"I know, but do you think Raven would do this if she didn't think it would work?" Beast Boy asks the room, and silence greets him. I realize his hand is on my back, and I wonder how long it has been there. More importantly, why doesn't it bother me? "She's got it under control, but right now, she needs to eat and get some sleep. If you have more questions, bug her tomorrow."

"That sounds fine to me." Cyborg shrugs at Robin, who nods and stalks down the hallway, still looking very pensive. Starfire tries to hug me again, but is intercepted by a glare from Beast Boy.

"Seriously, Star. Let up." He pats her shoulder to let her know he isn't mad at her, and she shrinks back before retreating, leaving me alone with my waffles and my new self-appointed spokesperson.

"Thanks." I tell him after finishing that third cursed waffle. "Can I go to bed now?"

"Aren't you still hungry?" he asks, and at the look of terror on my face, he actually laughs. "Kidding. Go ahead. And Rae?"

"Yeah?" I stretch as I stand, my limbs still stiff.

"Next time, leave a note, or something." He offers me a small grin and I return it.

"Sure thing, mom." I put on my best scowl and whirl away, heading straight for my bedroom. I fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed, but when I wake up later, my cape and boots are set aside, and there is a blanket clumsily drawn over my body. I don't know why, but rather than being enraged that someone entered my room without permission, I can't stop blushing, and end up staying in bed for another hour after I wake.

When I do emerge from my room, fully dressed and completely confident in the behavior of my complexion, I expect to be accosted by Beast Boy trying to feed me again, but he's happily playing video games, apparently satisfied that I can now care for myself. The vote of confidence is overwhelming. I actually go unnoticed by the other Titans until after I brew a cup of tea and settle down to pore over my notes, still sitting neatly on the coffee table, at which time Starfire bounces into the room and immediately sits down beside me, effectively trapping me between Beast Boy and her.

"Good nap?" Beast Boy speaks first, glancing at me briefly before returning his eyes to the battle robot he is controlling on our television screen.

"Is that a rhetorical question?" I am not about to bring up his invasion of my privacy directly in front of another Titan, but he seems to get the point, and I am rather satisfied at the odd shade green cheeks shift to when he is blushing.

"Do you need more help, Raven?" Starfire leans over, irritatingly close to me as I try to balance my tea in one hand and my notes in the other.

"I need more space, thank you." I scoot away from her, and my elbow hits Beast Boy's side. He leaps into the air about five feet, the game controller flying out of his hands as I manage to keep my tea from spilling everywhere only with masterful use of my powers. "Okay there?"

"Sorry, you just surprised me." He stands up and retrieves the errant game controller, sitting back down a bit further from me. That was when I realize that my proximity makes him nervous. I make him nervous? Intriguing.

"I need a few things." I flip through the notes and correct that assessment, "a lot of things, actually. I'll start making a list."

"Need help?" Beast Boy asks, and I shake my head in response.

"It won't take that long, and only I really know which things I already have, so it will be easier to do this on my own." Starfire looks very disappointed, but she still attempts a smile.

"If you need help, you will be sure to tell us?" she attempts, and I quirk my lips at her.

"Sure." I spend the rest of the day in my room, going through the needed components on each page and listing amounts carefully beside each name. It could not take me too long to do, and yet, as soon as I finish and am just going over my work for the second time to be positive I haven't forgotten anything, there is a knock on my door.

"Rae, you awake?" it is Beast Boy, and he has brought food. I realize this as soon as I reach my door, before I even open it and have the full strength smell of fried spices and vegetables hit me. "Want something to eat?" he has two plates, both heaping with something that looks suspiciously like the experimental tofu stir fry he is constantly revamping. I have a brief moment of cold irritation at his intrusion mixed with annoyance at the idea of food in my room. Then I see the hope and concern on his face, I can feel it coming off of him in waves. I may detach myself at times, but I know when something means a lot to one of my friends. I move aside and let him in.

"I was working." I explain briefly as he stares at the paper covering my bed, and then I wave toward a blank bit of floor space where the stacks of research books have not taken over the carpeting. He licks his lips, nods sharply, and sits down, thankfully not spilling any of the food. He hands me a plate as soon as I drop down across from him, and I poke the contents delicately with a fork before spearing what might have once been a floret of broccoli.

"You work a lot." He shovels a forkful into his own mouth, and I raise an eyebrow in question. He chews and swallows quickly before pressing onward. "I think…well, everyone thinks that maybe it would be okay if you slowed down a little. I mean, Terra isn't going anywhere." He forces a dry chuckle, and I frown at the mushroom I have just attacked with my cutlery. "You could kinda, chill out, you know."

"I'm not like you, Beast Boy. Long nights working don't bother me very much at all." I tell him, feeling like I have explained this far more than I should have to. "I don't need a nap, and I don't need you to cook for me. I don't need to be looked after by anyone."

"I know." He shrugs, pushing noodles around on his plate for a silent moment, "But Raven, if Terra were here to see what you're doing, she'd agree with me. You don't need to lock yourself away from the rest of us. We miss you."

"If Terra were here," I tell him, my tone slightly irate, "you could care less what I do with my time."

"What's that supposed to mean?" his back straightens, and I don't need to be an empath to know that he's feeling threatened and angry.

"If she were here, the tower could sink into the ocean and you wouldn't notice, unless she were trapped inside." I elaborate. "Everyone knows how you feel about Terra."

"Feelings can change." He stands suddenly. I have clearly offended him deeply. "People can change, too."

"I've seen people change." I hand him my plate, still nearly untouched, and follow him to the door. "I wouldn't know about feelings, though."

"You act like you can't feel anything, like you just don't care." Beast Boy turns on me as he stands at the doorway, about to go out. "No one buys it, Raven. Me least of all."

"Whatever." I decide that I might be a little tired, and when he leaves, I clear the bed of its layer of notes before tucking myself in and settling down for the night.

-----

Ad vitam paramus (We are preparing for life)

-----

"Will that be all for today?" the shriveled man who is behind the counter of the apothecary is tapping his fingers as he calculates the total price of the bundles and sacks covering a good portion of the space between us. Now that it is time to pay, the others have wandered off to look at the more interesting display objects in the store, as they have all had their fill of rocks and dried flora.

"Actually, I need a few of these," I peruse the display of oils, my fingers pausing to select witch hazel, benison, frankincense, lavender, and pennyroyal, and adding the five small glass vials to the rest of my purchases before snapping my fingers, summoning a black velvet pouch that falls into my waiting palm with a jingle of gold and silver waiting to be spent. "And that will be all." I tell him, opening my small purse with a deft movement of two fingers.

"Raven! There is a hand in the other room, and it has no arm attached to it!" Starfire floats over to me with all the excitement of a five-year-old who has been promised their pick of the candy store. "Beast Boy says that is what they do to people who lift the shop." She adds, her tone lowered so that the old man might not hear her, and I sigh silently before meeting her worried gaze.

"You mean shoplift? No, it isn't that sort of thing." I assure her. "No one wants your hand, Starfire." But of course, the shopkeeper is now eyeing my alien friend with such interest that she likely does not believe me. "Why don't you gather up the boys and wait for me outside? I'm nearly finished here."

"I will gather them all at once!" Starfire positively flees from the old man's gaze, and I turn back to him.

"Where's your friend from?" he wants to know, and I purse my lips in annoyance.

"That is not your concern." I tell him, jingling my purse as a reminder that I still need to pay for my goods. He coughs roughly and furrows his brow as though recalling the number he had filed away for the moment.

"This lot comes to thirty five ounces of gold." He taps the numbers out with his fingers and then frowns slightly. "And nine silver."

"Fine." It seems a bit high to me, but I have no patience for haggling, so I hand the coins over and banish my purse before gathering all of my purchases into a neat linen bundle for easier carrying.

"Looks like you're planning something big, Miss." The old man speaks up just as I heft the bundle into my arms and cradle it closely. "Not that it's my business."

"You're right, it isn't." I answer as I whirl around and leave without another word to him. Outside, Robin is busily assuring Starfire that lifting things up while in a shop is not a crime, and that it is certainly not punishable by dismemberment. I turn to Beast Boy, who is looking on with his most innocent expression and shake my head in disapproval.

"What?" he shrugs his shoulders, and at the vicious glare his act inspires from Robin, I have to bite back a smile of amusement. As far as I can tell, Beast Boy has forgotten all about our disagreement of two days ago, and I am not about to bring it up. I would rather see him happy and constantly joking than serious and angry with me.

"Let's go." I answer simply, and head toward the street, where Cyborg parked the T-Car when we first arrived here nearly an hour ago. They are clearly ready to leave the dank dark alleys of this seemingly forgotten bit of Jump City and return to the more populated center of the city on our way to the brightly lit tower we call home.

"Ya'll wanna stop for pizza on the way?" Cyborg asks once we've all buckled in and he has started the engine, turning out of his parking spot and heading in the direction of the pizza place. "I'm starving."

"Yeah! Pizza!" Beast Boy immediately approves of the idea. "I want olive and broccoli!"

"We are not eating an olive broccoli pizza." Cyborg shoots the changeling down immediately, "We need something that has substance to it, not a salad on bread."

"What if we put mushrooms on it too?" Beast Boy suggests, and I shake my head slightly from where I sit next to him in the back seat. He turns his puppy eyes on me, since they clearly are not affecting Cyborg, who is looking at the road. "Come on, Raven, we could put artichoke on it, too. I know you like those."

"If there isn't tofu, I'll eat it." I state after a moment of thought.

"What if we get one pizza with meat and one without?" Robin suggests.

"No way! BB gets a whole pizza to himself? That is not cool." Cyborg complains immediately, and Beast Boy laughs, bouncing in his seat excitedly.

"Well, you can help yourself to a piece of mine. It tastes way better, trust me." He assures everyone in the car as we reach our destination.

"Oh, friends, there is no need to battle over the pizza." Starfire is clearly concerned by the bickering between Beast Boy and Cyborg, even though it is the same argument they engage in every time we have pizza. "If we were to get a cheese pizza, it would please everyone!"

"I want meat!" Cyborg insists. "I'm not having cheese pizza because of him again."

"Can we just eat and go home?" I speak up, feeling the beginnings of a headache building just behind my eyes. This happens sometimes when there is any sort of tension between us, and while I know that it can't be coming from the mundane pizza argument, I would rather not think on my problems with Beast Boy too carefully.

"Come on, guys, let's just get some food." Robin can recognize that I'm more impatient than usual, and he doesn't want full-scale battles to break out over something so stupid, so he takes charge and orders three pizzas, one with meat, one with vegetables, and one with only cheese on it. "That way, whoever feels cheated can just take some extra from the cheese." He tells Beast Boy and Cyborg pointedly before asking me to help him carry beverages back to the table. "Are you feeling all right?"

"I'm fine." I assure him without having to think about it, though it is not all true. "Just a bit of a headache. It will go away soon, after we get home and I can be alone for a while." Or after I learn to resolve things with Beast Boy. What's the point, though? He seems to have forgotten all about it, so why do I still feel emotional tension tying a knot in my mind and making clear thought impossible? Perhaps someone else is fighting, and I simply didn't know. "What about you? Are you and Starfire all right?" Nothing causes a headache for me faster than a Robin and Starfire fight. They are supremely annoying, since both parties like to pretend nothing is wrong until I can convince them to work it out for my own sanity's sake.

"Yeah…we're fine." Robin sounds surprised by this question, which proves that everything between the pair really is peaceful. "Why? Did she say something to you?" his voice cracks slightly, and I forget my building tension headache for a moment as I wonder how two people can be so clearly in love and yet so utterly oblivious at the same time.

"No, I just thought…" I rub my forehead slightly, and he gets the point.

"Well…I don't know." He considers the unspoken question. "I know Beast Boy accidentally used all the hot water three days ago and Starfire got blasted when she went to take a shower, but I thought they were over it."

"Not every headache is a sign of strain between us." I sigh after a moment of thought, turning to watch the approach of the other three Titans. "Maybe I just need to rest a bit. After all, I won't need to start brewing anything for another three weeks."

"That sounds like a good idea," Robin gives me a small smile, and I know that he is genuinely concerned for my welfare. "But if you need to talk about anything, you know I'll always listen."

"I know." I return his smile briefly just as the others join us, and Beast Boy notices my expression, immediately screwing up his face in a pout as he feels he is being left out of a joke.

"What were you guys talking about over here?" he asks, sitting on my other side and leaning over toward us.

"Nothing." I tell him immediately, pouring a glass of soda easily and taking a sip from it as a way to prevent the need for further conversation.

"Raven, when will the mixing of the ingredients begin?" Starfire is sitting on Robin's other side, and Cyborg is seated between Beast Boy and her. "Will I be able to assist, or is it a solitary venture? If you do not need me for mixing, is there some other assistance I can offer? I am able to grind powders until they are very fine, as I am quite strong."

"Three weeks, and I'll do it myself." I tell her. "But you're welcome to help me powder a few things."

"I can powder stuff." Beast Boy grabs the pitcher of soda when Cyborg finishes with it and pours himself a glass.

"There is plenty of grinding to be done." I assure him. "No need to fight over it."

"I did not mean to start a fight!" Starfire yelps in worry, "I apologize, Beast Boy, and I welcome you to help with the grinding of powders."

"We weren't fighting, she was just saying." Beast Boy shrugs.

"You always have to fight when it's about Raven." Cyborg offers in a teasing tone, and Beast Boy leaps to his feet, almost spilling his soda as well as mine in the process.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he demands, and Cyborg lifts his hands in surrender.

"Hey, nothing, man." He shrugs and takes a long sip of his drink "I just call 'em like I see 'em."

"It totally was not a fight." He insists, moving to sit back down.

"Please, you two." I rub at my temple with one hand and then immediately move it to my glass, not wanting too much attention drawn to my condition. Everyone tends to overreact when they know I have a headache, as though it means the city is about to explode.

"Yeah, cool it, Raven has a headache." Robin is a good leader, but sometimes, I want to hit him. This is one of those times.

"You have a headache?" Cyborg's tone goes from teasing to solemn in three seconds flat as he stares at me in worry.

"Oh no! Do you sense a disaster is on the way?" Starfire claps both hands to her cheeks, her green eyes wide. "Perhaps this is a bad omen for the results of your untested cure."

"The cure will work." I assure her. "And no, there are no disasters. Just a headache. A normal, completely plain, ordinary headache."

"Do you need something?" Beast Boy has apparently not listened to a word I just said. "I could fly to the tower and get you some aspirin." He transforms into a hawk to demonstrate his ability to fly, and I sigh in annoyance.

"It isn't a catastrophe, it's just a headache." I shoot a glare at Robin, who is aggravatingly enough not looking at me since he is helping Starfire, who has accidentally tipped her glass of soda over in her lap. Therefore, I waste a perfectly good glare on him without him even noticing. This only annoys me more, and I let the glare turn on Cyborg and Beast Boy, who are still paying attention to me, but not necessarily the reason I am so irate. "Leave me alone." I finish, and while I hear a mumbled apology from Cyborg, Beast Boy simply huffs out a long-suffering sigh and leans over his soda, resting his chin in both hands as he pouts rather furiously into the glass of bubbling brown liquid.

Great, now I feel guilty. And my head is positively pounding at this point. But now that I insisted it was no big deal, I can't possibly excuse myself and go home, so I am forced to wait ten minutes for our pizza to arrive so that everyone can finally eat. After that, I pick at a slice of the cheese pizza with little interest and less hunger, since my headache is actually making me nauseous by now, and I honestly feel that anything I try to eat will end up all over the inside of the T-Car, if I even last that long. Beast Boy is pointedly ignoring me and speaking around me as though I am not there, verifying my sneaking suspicion that all of this is because of him, and to a lesser extent, myself.

Of course, there is no way in all of existence that I am going to start having a chat about all of this in front of everyone, so I am forced to wait until all the other Titans have eaten their fill, I have thrown out my mangled piece of pizza, and we have all piled back into the T-Car to return to Titans Tower. When we arrive, Robin insists on carrying my shopping in for me, on the way apologizing for alerting the team to my condition, thus making it impossible for me to remain mad at him for being a stupid boy who has no idea what is going on. I accept his apology and then go to my room, hoping a nap will dispel my extremely painful headache.

However, before I can reach my bed, there is a light knock, and it is immediately followed by the door opening just enough for a green head to poke into my dark room, letting in all the light that seems far too bright to be allowed at the moment. "What do you want?" I cannot help the acid in my tone. My head hurts, and he's making it worse with his pouting and his letting the light in.

"I brought aspirin." He holds the bottle in front of him like a ward as he slowly enters my room, a glass of water in his other hand, "Is it all right if I come in?"

"If you can be quiet and close the door…sure." I am so grateful for the aspirin that I decide to resolve this now, while we are at least away from prying eyes. "Thanks." I take the bottle from him and accept the water, returning the bottle to him sans two tablets, which I take with great gulps of water.

"So, um," he is clearly struggling with this part of the conversation, "I'm sorry I freaked earlier. About your headache, cause you know…I guess we just worry, since sometimes it means something really bad is going to happen."

"Which is why most of the time, I keep my headaches to myself." I inform him. "I get a lot of them, actually. Almost every time there is fighting in the tower, I feel it."

"Because of your empathy?" he scratches his head lightly, "If I knew that, I'd stop fighting with Cyborg over whose turn it is to play the Game Station…"

"Not over stupid things like that." I smile at him lightly, handing the empty water glass back to him. "It has to cause real friction between us to affect me. I think…it might have been because of what we were saying the other night. I thought you were fine, but…"

"I wasn't." Beast Boy chuckles sheepishly, "Yeah, if I knew you'd know I was still upset that easily, I wouldn't have tried so hard to act normal. I just didn't want you getting upset over it. It's nothing really."

"No, if it were nothing, it wouldn't bother me." I assure him. "I understand your concern on my behalf, but you should know that my limits aren't the same as what you're used to."

"That doesn't mean I won't worry about you when you aren't taking care of yourself." He replies, setting the glass and the aspirin on my dresser for the time being. "You're my friend, Raven. Whether or not Terra is here."

"I shouldn't have said that." I feel guilty as I recall my harsh words, "It wasn't fair of me."

"It's okay to be afraid," he smiles at me then, and I wonder just how deeply he knows my feelings. "But you don't have to be afraid of being replaced, Rae. You're Raven, and she's Terra, and I care about you both. I don't have to choose, do I?"

"No." I suddenly realize exactly what he has said to me, and I thank my foresight at having a dark room as blood rushes to my cheeks in a deep blush. Hopefully, he doesn't notice it.

"Good," he fidgets slightly, and a split second before he reaches for me, I realize that something is about to happen, and whether or not I want it to, I am to surprised to stop it. He pulls me against him, hugging me tightly, and pressing a feather-light kiss to my cheek before releasing me, and I know that he must be able to see how red my cheeks are, because I can certainly tell that he is blushing. "I…I'll let you get some rest."

"Rest." I repeat the last word, and blink in shock as he flees the room, forgetting the glass and the aspirin, leaving me to my own thoughts.

-----

Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit (Perhaps someday we will look back upon these things with joy)

-----

"I usually just pin it to something." Terra is with me, and while I have a nagging suspicion that this is a memory of her and Starfire, the redhead is absent and I am in her place, while I should be across the room, pretending to read. "But it's more fun when the other person holds it…no, pull it a bit tighter, yeah, like that." I am holding a knotted end of something, and I have to blink a few times for an acceptable approximation of a half finished bracelet of hand woven threads takes shape in the space between my hand and hers.

"Where did you learn this?" I ask, because I know that is what comes next, and I am too disoriented at the moment to stray from the script my mind has on file.

"Oh, you know, you travel around, make friends, people show you things." She smiles at me brightly, and I can sense a half-truth to what she is saying. We both know that part of the reason we met Terra was because she was not welcomed elsewhere for long enough to settle there. I don't press her, and while my mind does not know exactly what her hands are doing, so that they move in a confusing series of motions, the bracelet continues to build upon itself. "After this, let's make one for…Starfire." Originally, she had suggested making a bracelet for me, and from across the room I had politely declined the need for jewelry made of knotted thread. Now, I am glad that she is here, and that she is making this thing for me.

"She would like that." I answer, and it suddenly occurs to me that I can remember more of Terra than usual in this dream. I recall her betrayal, and her imprisonment and everything in between. But I do not care to ask her about those things. What would the point be? She is only a memory, and she cannot answer me except in a way that I imagine she might answer. "Maybe we should make one for Beast Boy."

"He likes you," she offers me a nervous smile, "a lot."

"He kissed me." I indicate a spot on my cheek with my free hand. "Why would he kiss me?"

"Why not?" Terra shrugs, and while I expect her to be jealous on some level, she seems perfectly amiable about this new topic of conversation. "You don't think you're good enough for him?"

"I'm not you." I tell her. "I thought you and him…"

"What's past is past." She tells me firmly, not looking at her work as her hands continue to move. "I'm not there. You are."

"When you come back, what will he do?" I want to know.

"Who knows what boys think, or how they'll act?" Terra shrugs again. "That's why I like you, Rae. We get each other."

"I get Robin." I tell her after a pause. "And he's a guy."

"Would you rather he kiss you?" Terra giggles as though the idea is ridiculously delicious to her. "I should tell Star, see what she has to say about that."

"Please." I roll my eyes, but a small smile has lit itself on my own lips, "Even if I were interested in Robin, which I am not, Starfire would really have no right to get upset about it if I made a move where she has been hesitating over the pros and cons all this time. Having an interest in someone gives you no claim over them."

"Really?" Terra raises both brows, "What does?"

"I don't know." I admit after some thought. "I don't think it's right to say that you own someone, that you claim them as yours. Aren't they still their own person?"

"Can't you be both?" Terra asks me, a small smile returning to her lips. "Do you really think Beast Boy would be the same person without you to change him? Isn't that part of him yours, in a way?"

"I don't know what he was like before we met." I blush slightly and shake my head. "It isn't like he declared his undying love for me, either, Terra. It was just a kiss."

"Okay, have it your way. Think about Starfire and Robin, then, since we were just discussing them anyway." She is clearly teasing me now, but I pretend not to notice. "You knew them both before they met, though you knew Robin better. Do you think knowing each other has changed them?"

"I see what you mean," I allow, watching her tie off the finished bracelet. "But people can change each other without having to own each other."

"Relationships aren't like that. It's a partnership. You rely on each other, just like you rely on the other Titans in battle." She explains to me, reaching for the scissors. I hand them to her, and she cuts the strings, holding up her finished piece. It really is nothing more than a bunch of knotted thread, but it is pretty in its own way. The threads have combined to make something more. "You see what I mean?"

"It doesn't really matter for me, does it?" I tell her. "I'm not like you, Terra. I'm not allowed to have emotions and powers. It's a compromise, one or the other. And if I want to care that much about someone, I lose some control. I can't lose control."

"Rae, sometimes you have to see that there is more than one sort of prison. You can feel trapped by others, or you can trap yourself." She tells me, "Either one is bad, but the truth of it is like this: if you can't learn to loosen your control, you can't ever be free. Do you think that how I lived before I met you guys was freedom?"

"No." I admit, sighing deeply and thinking over her words.

"Here, let's see how it looks." She winks at me and holds the bracelet out. I extend my wrist, and she ties it on me firmly enough for it not to fall off, but not so tightly that it hurts. "As long as this stays on, we'll be friends."

"Does it really work like that?" I ask her, and she shakes her head slightly, looking like she might start crying. I wonder again where she learned to make this, and I feel like the story is not one she is very fond of. "That's okay. We don't need string to tell us we're friends. I just need to see you to know that."

"Thanks." She leaps into my arms, tackling me against the arm of the couch with the force of her hug, and I am surprised for a moment before I return it. What's the harm in hugging here, in a dream? "I'm sorry…about everything that happened." It's the only time she's ever been aware of what she did in my dreams, and I feel tears prick at the corners of my eyes as I pat her honey scented hair reassuringly.

"I don't really care anymore," I tell her. "We all make mistakes."

"But still," she has her head pressed against the crook of my shoulder, and it muffles her voice. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to say it."

"This is just a dream, Terra." I say it, and the words cause the surroundings to begin to melt away, alerting me that the end of this dream is near. "This isn't real."

"I know," she pulls back, and I see that she's crying, twin trails cutting their way down her cheeks. I'm sorry that I said anything. "But at least you remember me. At least you dream of me."

"Do you dream?" I ask, knowing it is a stupid question even as it leaves my lips, but almost everything is gone now, the couch is starting to fade, and I know Terra only has a moment before she leaves me as well. As answer, she leans forward and presses her lips to mine.

And then I wake up.

-----

Quad nesciunt eos non interficiet (What they don't know won't kill them)

-----

"Hey Rae," Beast Boy insists on interrupting me every time I am the middle of pretending to read so that I need not pay attention to the goings on around me. "Hey, whatcha reading?"

I know I shouldn't look up, because if I do, he will be doing something ridiculous in an attempt to crack my constant seriousness, but I do anyway, and I see that he is not actually sitting beside me, so much as he is bending backward over the couch, his head hanging down next to me. "A book." I answer without losing the straight face for a moment and then return to my fake reading.

"Is it good?" I honestly don't know, as I have been staring at the same page for nearly an hour, but I am not about to tell him that.

"Great." I answer in my typical dry tone.

"What's it about?" he persists, and I am annoyed, not just because he won't stop talking to me even though I am very clearly not paying attention to him, but also because the question surprises me enough that I can't think of a lie, since I honestly don't know the answer.

"Does this all have a point?" I finally lower the book, and he does a crazy sort of half rolling flip that really should send him crashing onto the floor, possibly cracking his head on the coffee table in the process, but instead, he just transforms into a cat halfway through and sinks his claws into the couch cushion so that he ends up sitting upright next to me before reverting to his normal form, arms still draped between his two front legs. "No shoes on the couch." I tell him before moving to raise my book once more in the hopes that he'll go away and leave me to my social solitude. That is what I do, when I pretend to read in the living room. It is a way for me to be removed from everyone's attention while still socializing. I am not particularly antisocial; I just don't like it when everyone is looking at me all at once.

"Are you…um, how long were you gonna be reading that?" he asks me after another pause that is so long, I actually thought he was ready to leave.

"As long as you're here." I answer, not meaning to be cruel, but finding it easier than being serious. He has jokes, I have cynicism.

"Oh." He gets my point, clearly, from the twinge in his tone of voice, but I can feel him staring at me still. He isn't going anywhere. I figure that I can just wait him out. After all, how patient can Beast Boy be in a situation like this?

Apparently, the real question is how patient I can be, because I am the first to crack. I do so with the maximum amount of grace and dignity allotted to someone who has just been beaten at her own game, however.

"What do you want?" I slam the book down in my lap, sick of the pouting looks he keeps sending me. Suddenly, his face lights up in excitement and he turns to me more fully, determined to keep my attention now that he has gained it.

"I wanna go somewhere!" he blurts it out, clearly not thinking his words through. "Want to come with?"

"Where?" I regain my calm and raise an eyebrow in a way that I know makes most people quite sure they have just said something extremely foolish or stupid.

"Um…out!" he tells me after a brief crack appears in his excited demeanor. "We could go to the movies."

"I don't like theaters. Too many people." I answer quickly.

"But they're dark. You like the dark." He reminds me, and I simply raise that eyebrow again.

"Why are you so determined here?" I want to know. "If you want to go to the movies so badly, ask someone else. Ask Cyborg. He has a car."

"We could go get something to eat!" he springs on a new idea, and I sigh in annoyance.

"Or, I could go in the kitchen and make something for myself." I tilt my head in that direction, and he frowns at me as though I am being very cruel, even compared to our usual standards of interaction. Then I realize something quite suddenly. "What is going on here? Is this about you, or is it about me?"

"It's about…" Beast Boy blushes very red, which is actually technically very brown, seeing as that is what you get when you mix red and green. I pity him vaguely, but mostly I'm amused. "Gah! What about…we could go to a dark café or something and I could sit there pretending to be entertained by depressing poetry."

"Beast Boy, I know what you're trying to do here." I tell him, feeling it is time to put him out of his misery. "And while it is very…nice that you want to spend time with me, I think we just saw why it is pointless for the two of us to go anywhere together in the course of this conversation."

"But…what do you mean?" Beast Boy looks very hurt, and I feel a twinge of regret. I realize that I just rejected him, and I didn't really decide to do that. I've thought about the situation quite a bit, and while I came to the conclusion that clearly, the reason my dream with Terra ended so…strangely was because I was preoccupied with Beast Boy kissing me, I still haven't decided how I feel about the situation with my changeling teammate. The best I had come up with at this point was to simply pretend nothing had happened and hoped that all things would resolve themselves.

"I just meant…well, every place you want to go is somewhere I don't want to go. And any place I would want to go to is somewhere you wouldn't want to be either. It wouldn't be any fun for us to go out together, we'd just be annoyed the whole time." I surmise, thinking that this will let him know that it isn't that I don't want to spend time with him, I just don't want to go to the movies very much at the moment. He pouts for a full minute, and I am trying desperately to think of something suitably tactful to say when he apparently has an epiphany, because he is suddenly grinning maniacally.

"Then what if we just stay here all day?" he suggests, and up goes my eyebrow of its own volition.

"That will be exciting and difficult, as it is nothing like what I do every day." I tell him in an utterly flat tone.

"No, I meant like…we could just like, hang out. If that's okay with you." He smiles at me hopefully, and I shrug.

"Do I have to move?" I ask him.

"Nope!" he answers promptly.

"Do I have to watch you play video games?" I continue.

"Nope!" he shakes his head vigorously.

"So…I can just sit here and read?" I feel like somehow, I'm being tricked into something, but the catch has yet to emerge.

"Sure, if you want." He agrees readily, "Or we could watch a movie, or we could make dinner or something."

"I think I'm doing pretty well just reading, thanks." I lift the book back up, and Beast Boy sighs contentedly, flopping back against the couch cushion next to me, as though our conversation had somehow actually made a difference in the situation, other than the fact that now, he was no longer staring at me and pouting. I decided that maybe I should start actually reading, though, because while Beast Boy is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, he is also not an utter dunce, and he would probably notice me staring at the same page after a while. I am reading a worn volume of Greek myths, so it isn't very dull reading, but I have definitely memorized all the stories, so it isn't quite as riveting as it was the first ten times or so.

"Rae?" I look up when he says my name, tentatively, looking at me with something very akin to puppy eyes. "Read to me?"

"I…I don't know if you'd like it." I am so thrown by his request; I have to stumble for some sort of response.

"What's it about?" he asks me again, but this time I actually know the answer.

"It is a collection of old stories and myths." I tell him. "I…I could just read you one of them." I offer a compromise, not sure that I'm even comfortable with that.

"Okay!" he pulls his legs up on the couch, crossing them beneath him as he gives me his undivided attention, and I forget to remind him about shoes on the couch as I flip through the book. I don't want to bore him to death…what sort of story would Beast Boy like? He likes video games…maybe something with a lot of killing? But he watches all sorts of movies; comedy, action, horror…

"What sort of story do you want?" I ask him, feeling at an utter loss. "There's quite a variety here."

"It doesn't matter," he shrugs, and I feel that this must be another trick. "Just pick any one you want."

"There are a lot of stories in here." I inform him, trying to communicate that I do not like this situation of me choosing something for him when I will clearly make the wrong choice, empathy or no. "How am I supposed to pick?"

"Just read me the one you were reading just now." He shrugs, "It really doesn't matter so much, Rae. Just read to me."

"Okay." I am beginning to feel like my agreement to do this was clearly a very stupid choice. "I was reading about Niobe…" I trail off, as though he might know the story and tell me to skip it, even though I am rather sure he has never heard it before.

"Okay!" he moves back and forth a bit in a sort of excited rocking, but he doesn't tell me to stop, so I find the story and flip to the beginning.

"It was a well known fact that the Gods and Goddesses were very jealous of attention, and yet, there were occasionally those who would challenge their greatness, with disastrous results." I begin, feeling slightly hesitant about this. I don't like talking for long periods of time with no good reason, but I suppose this is reading, not talking, so it doesn't count. "Niobe was a woman who destroyed her own happiness in this way…"

I keep expecting Beast Boy to become restless and cut me off, or ask for an explanation, or tell me the story is boring, or to just turn away and start playing video games, but it seems that he is rather engrossed, and he even lets out a shocked gasp when Niobe is punished by Athena and Apollo for challenging the greatness of their own mother, coming down from Mount Olympus to kill all of her fourteen children. Then, she turns into a stone, crying forevermore, and as the story ends, I look up at Beast Boy questioningly, trailing off into silence on the last words. I wait for him to complain about how sad it was, or to ask if the woman is ever returned to her human form, or something along those lines, but nothing comes. We are both silent for a long moment, and then he blinks at me and smiles.

"Read another one?"

-----

Quaere verum (Seek the truth)

-----

"Hey, Raven," there is knocking on my door, and I unfold my legs, pausing in my levitation to answer it. I only started meditating a moment ago, so I was not very deeply removed from the world. I press the panel that slides the door open and peek outside to see who is seeking my company.

"Terra," it is clearly a dream. Again. "What do you want?"

"They're fighting about dinner out there," she points down the hall with her thumb, smiling indulgently at the thought of the boys arguing over what to eat. "Do you want pizza? I figure if I get you and Star on my side, they'll shut up and just order out."

"Whatever." I shrug, just as I remember doing when I was first in this situation. "Say what you want."

"Hey…can I come in?" Terra leans forward suddenly, trying to see over my shoulder into the darkened interior of my private space. "I've never really seen inside your room."

"No one can come in here." I am about to close the door, as I did originally, when a part of my consciousness detracts from replaying the memory exactly, and I open the door fully, sighing deeply. "I'm sorry," I don't have any problems apologizing to a memory, a figment. "I should have just let you in."

"Hey, it's your room." Terra shrugs, totally unfazed by my behavior. "Your choice. It didn't bother me."

"Liar." I shake my head, waving at the dark interior. "You want to come in?"

"Okay!" she beams at me happily, hugging me so quickly I can't think to react before she is releasing me and entering the room, looking around her with widened blue eyes taking in every detail. She doesn't touch anything, respecting my privacy to a certain degree as she makes a slow tour of the room. "You don't have any pictures?"

I can't tell if she means it as a question or a statement, but the lilt on the end of her tone suggests the former, so I answer. "I don't need pictures. Starfire has taken enough for all of us."

"Heh, that's true." She turns to me, hands clasped behind her back, a bright smile on her face. "But everyone else has pictures. Cyborg has a bunch of video, even, and Beast Boy has them strewn around his room with the rest of the mess."

"The only pictures Robin has are newspaper clippings." I cut in, a slight grin on my face, and Terra picks up the teasing tone in it.

"Yeah, maybe so, but you guys are still all in a bunch of those." She explains, spreading her arms out slightly. "And ten bucks says he has a decent shot of Starfire hidden somewhere."

"I wouldn't doubt it." I sigh, sitting down on my bed, amazingly undisturbed by her presence. But then, this is just a dream. She can't do any harm. "Do you have any pictures?"

"Never really got the chance to take any, did I?" her tone is soft, and her voice cracks slightly on the words. "I wanted to, you know, get around to it. But I was just learning what it was like to live with people again. And I knew that Slade was coming…I knew it wouldn't last."

"You could have had something to remember us by." I tilt my head to one side. "Something to look back on."

"Do you like looking back at the things you've done wrong?" Terra wants to know, and I pause for a moment while she sits down next to me.

"If we remember our mistakes, we can remember not to make them again." I tell her after a long while. "After you left…Beast Boy was a wreck, even worse than the rest of us. You know how he is. Wears his heart on his sleeve. He got over being sad one day and just had a fit. He tore up all his pictures of you, and was just starting on your room when we caught him and stopped him. That's what Robin said to him then."

"I'm sorry." It is a whisper, barely audible, but the truth of it is tangible in the air.

"I know." I tell her.

"Do you think…back then, or now, I guess," she fumbles over her words, her voice shaking with emotion, "if you'd known…what I was here for, what was going to happen…would you have let me in? Or thrown me out of the tower?"

"Then?" I lean back slightly, thinking it over, trying to remember how I felt about everything during the months when Terra lived in the tower with us, as a teammate and friend. "If I knew, I wouldn't have thrown you out, but I would have done everything I could to prove it to the others."

"Why not?"

"Beast Boy would have thrown a fit, not to mention Starfire, which would have set Robin off, and soon the whole team would have been in ruins." I explain to her. "But I felt differently about things back then. I guess I was waiting for you to make a mistake a lot of the time, and I trusted you, but not as much as the others. Now…well, now is a lot different, isn't it? Now, I've had time to cool down and see the whole situation for what it really was. And I understand why you did what you did."

"That doesn't mean it was right." She finishes for me.

"No, it wasn't," I shake my head, looking up at the ceiling. "But no one is right all of the time. You're human, Terra. You're allowed to make mistakes."

"So are you, ya know." She turns to me, and I look at her in surprised confusion. "Beast Boy likes you, Rae. Don't make him wait for you because you're too busy analyzing the situation. That's what Robin spends all his time doing with Starfire, and those two have been dancing around the issue forever."

"But…I don't really know how I feel about him." I flush deeply, embarrassed at the sudden shift in topics.

"Sure you do." She flops back on my bed, her arms almost reach the opposite edge as they flail up over her head before landing. "You like reading to him, don't you?"

"Well…he's quiet." I excuse myself.

"Awww, Raven!" Terra sits up suddenly, giggling in a way that reminds me very forcibly that she is a teenage girl. "Think what a good mom you could be, reading to lots of tiny Beast Boys!"

"That," I tell her, trying to compose my features and avoid bursting out into laughter, "is horrifying, and enough for me to swear off any sort of romance for the rest of my life, thank you very much."

"Hey, I bet you would, though." Terra has turned to face me, one leg bent with the shoe just missing my bedspread. "I mean, someday. You're good at taking care of people."

"I am not having kids." I tell her, "Period."

"Parent issues?" she asks after a pause.

"You could say that." I shrug, picking at an imaginary bit of lint on my cloak.

"But back to your big secret crush on Beast Boy…" she attempts, and I roll my eyes, "What are you going to do?"

"Terra, I'm not doing anything." I tell her quite honestly. "Think about it. Think of who you're talking to. I am part of the team, and I might be everyone's friend, but I am as much of an outsider as it is possible to be in that situation. Beast Boy…well, think about it from his perspective. He got so used to having all that extra attention from you, and then suddenly, you're gone. He can't turn to Starfire, as he doesn't want Robin to kill him in his sleep, and I'm the only other girl he knows."

"So," she shrugs at me, "Who cares how these things start? What matters is that you do what you want to do, what you think is right."

"Right now?" I tilt my head slightly, "I have to start preparations for your return tomorrow, and I'll be too busy during that time to deal with complex…emotional situations. And then, once it's over, you'll be back, and I'll be as good as forgotten. I'll just fade back into the background."

"Doesn't that seem wrong to you?" she asks me, frustrated with my lack of anger over the situation.

"Honestly? It's the safest place for me." I tell her, "I like it just fine."

"You're so much better than me." She tells me then, awe in her voice. "I mean…you're so selfless. You might have this thing with Beast Boy, and you're just going to give it up so that the amazing backstabbing statue can reclaim him."

"It isn't selfless from where I stand." I assure her, "It's a relief. I hate being the one with all the attention. There's too much pressure."

"Don't you know, Rae," she puts a hand to my cheek then. "No matter what happens, you'll always have attention. You can't be ignored, ever."

"I don't—" she leans forward, and she's kissing me, again.

What is with this, lately? I've never even technically had a real kiss…well, one on the lips. And yet…it feels nice enough. Warm, soft, reassuring.

It feels like the rest of the world can ignore me all they want, because the only attention I'll ever need is right here.

I like it.

-----

Respice post te, mortalem te esse memento (Look around you, remember that you are mortal)

-----

The next morning, I spend a long time contemplating my dream from the night before, and I decide that if I am to concentrate on my first small preparations for the ceremony in a few days, I'll need to meditate. So I brew a mug of tea and drink it slowly, clearing my mind in preparation of my meditation. I lock myself in my room for several hours, hovering just out of the reach of consciousness and the dimension in which my body floats carefully in the lotus position, waiting for the return of my mind.

After that, I feel quite a bit better, and while I do still catch a number of stray thoughts flitting through my head, I know that it will do for now. Today, I only have to create a simple potion called Crocinum, a basic tincture used to cure weakness. I need a large amount of it to later mix with other potions, so I carefully boil three times the amaranth I would use for one vial of the concoction, waiting for it to reach a thick, oatmeal like consistency before I stir in the large amount of powdered pumice, one of the rocks that I ground on my own, with absolutely no need for Starfire's alien strength. After that, I let the lot cook for a few minutes more, until it is vaguely cream colored throughout, and then I cease the magical fire I was using to heat it in the first place, and carefully scrape the contents of the cauldron into three small jars, each of which I have cleaned and set aside for just this purpose. I set them on a high shelf, above the other empty jars. There are so many, it is hard to believe I will need them all, but while today's work was quite simple, things will get progressively complicated as I close in on the Winter Solstice, the day I have chosen for the ceremony to take place.

After that is completed, I clean my cauldron carefully, along with my spoon, and set them aside. I won't need to mix anything else until the day before Solstice, so I can relax a bit until then. I recall vaguely that I should probably eat, because I will have to start fasting in a couple of days, and it would be better to have a full stomach before I get to that point, as I will need all the energy I can muster to pull off the ceremony. Leaving my room, I head for the kitchen, seeing that the halls are darkened, and realizing that I really have been in my room all day. Everyone is in bed.

Most everyone, at least.

"Hey, Raven, you're still up." Beast Boy is in front of the television, watching a poorly made B horror flick of some sort with very little interest. He looks like he was very close to falling asleep before I interrupted him. "What's up?"

"The Crocinum is finished." I tell him, and he clambers up, almost tripping over himself as he follows me to the kitchen. "The first component of the three primary mixtures."

"Oh!" he sounds much more excited than he did a few moments ago. "That's what you were doing all day. So…no problems at all?"

"It was a very simple mixture." I tell him matter-of-factly. "I spent most of the day clearing my mind, just because it makes the magic more effective." Digging around the refrigerator, I retrieve an orange, and feel relatively successful, moving to the garbage so that I can peel it.

"So…do you still think it will work?" his tone is worried, and while I know that he has faith in my abilities, who can blame him for wondering? I've never attempted something like this before, a spell of my own creation. Certainly, my experiences with Rorek were similar, but he instructed me entirely on the makeup of the spell, and I had only to follow his instructions.

"I want her back as much as you do, Beast Boy." I realize as I say the words that they are true. But do I really want Terra, or do I want the girl who I see in my dreams? Are they the same? I don't know.

"I know, I'm just…" he shakes his head, unable to continue, and I recall wondering once if Beast Boy was capable of being serious. Here is my answer.

"It's okay." I have finished peeling my orange, and I move to the counter to eat it. Beast Boy meets me there, leaning against the stove right beside me.

"When she comes back, I want…I want things between us…" he is struggling for words, and I don't know what to say, so I pop a section of orange into my mouth and chew worriedly. "Things could get complicated, but I just want you to know…right now. That right now, between us…"

"What are you saying?" I honestly don't know what he's getting at, and he turns on me suddenly, grabbing my shoulders tightly. I'm so surprised, my orange explodes magically, but I hardly notice the bits of pulp everywhere at the moment, because he pulls me to him, like he did weeks ago. Except this time, his lips meet mine, and this is my first real kiss, and it isn't with Terra, it's with Beast Boy, in the middle of the night, in the kitchen of Titans Tower, with orange pulp all over my arm and his. And it feels really…sweet. Like thinking no one knows your name, and waking up to realize you're the center of one person's life. It's overwhelming, and it isn't what I expected, and it isn't like my dream, but then, if I kissed Terra in real life, would that be like my dreams either?

I don't know.

He pulls away, and I am blushing nearly as badly as he is. He is looking at me with wide, expectant eyes, waiting for me to say something. I note that I am taller than him, and so is Terra. Somehow, I never really thought of that before. Not that it matters. I just notice it at that moment.

"I have…orange bits on me." I finally speak, and I manage to say possibly the least profound thing ever uttered in all of history. He turns away, going to the sink, and he hands me a wet, soapy rag after a few moments of running the hot water and fiddling about with the temperature. I accept the rag, but before I clean off my own arm, I take his hand in mine, and wipe away each bit of splattered fruit on his own person. Most of it is just on his arm, but he has a few on his chest and side, and one on his back. When I'm done, I turn to cleaning myself, never once meeting his gaze. I am beginning to feel decidedly awkward.

"That was my first—"

"Mine too." I cut him off before he can finish, just as I wipe the last bits off myself, and I quickly swipe at fragments on the ground and the counters. "So much for my midnight snack."

"I could make you something." He offers, his voice still a bit shaky.

"No, I'm tired." I assure him with a thin-lipped smile. "I'm going to bed."

"Oh…okay." He answers, and I positively flee.

What is going on?

Can't a girl just revive her petrified comrade in peace?

-----

Amantes sunt amentes (Lovers are lunatics)

-----

I feel that all of these complications could not have possibly come at a worse time. I spend the weekend pretending everything is utterly normal in my life and my relationship with all of the other Titans, including Beast Boy. I feel like somewhere along the line, I missed a very important point, and I feel a sudden longing for someone who can give me advice. I remember my childhood, training under a rough tutor who was nothing like a human parent. I always thought that was best for my situation, but now I have doubts. I have no idea what is going on and how to fix it.

As far as I can see, Beast Boy has feelings for me, misdirected or not. Whether or not I feel the same way for him, I am not sure. I have spent my whole life suppressing my emotions, and it is very difficult to straighten things out on my own. I know that when he kissed me, I certainly didn't hate it. I know that whatever else he says, he at least had feelings for Terra before, and I suspect that they are too strong to have suddenly gone away in favor of his new found fascination with me. So, does he love Terra, and find himself using me as a replacement for her while she is away, or does he love us both? Or has he forgotten his feelings for her?

And why do my dreams of Terra have to be so…different than they used to be? There never used to be so much as a whisper of displayed affection between us, but my mind is rewriting memories to create a history between us that is perhaps as intense, if not more so, than her own history with Beast Boy. Am I the one with misplaced affection? But who do I really value more, Beast Boy, or Terra? My feelings toward them are certainly different, but I cannot decide which of them makes me feel better when I am with them. How does one know what love is, and what type of love they feel for a person? I know what I must do.

My mirror is kept away from prying eyes, ever since the "incident" with Beast Boy and Cyborg entering my mind and helping me to conquer my anger.

Perhaps it is time that I return there, for if I am to be able to complete an exhausting, complicated ceremony to awaken Terra in only two days, I will need to have my emotions in order. To order them, I have no choice at this juncture other than to meet with them, and to clear my mind of questions.

I lock my door, just in case someone might wander in without knocking. This will be a very private tour of my inner being, and I would hate for anyone to intrude, by accident or design. Taking the magic mirror in my hands, I look into its depths, and slowly chant under my breath until I feel an odd sensation, as though I have become liquid and am being sucked down a drain, while I am only being pulled into the mirror. I land softly inside the totally familiar landscape that is my mind. I am sure to others, it might appear inhospitable, but it is me.

"Hello." I call out softly, and as the word fades into the dark atmosphere, figures begin to take shape all around me, one after another. Happiness, confidence, sadness, caution, fear, rudeness, logic, confusion, fatigue, determination, indecision, sarcasm, anger, contempt, purity…all told, there are over three dozen of them all around me, and more were arriving. "We need to talk."

"I thought you'd come here soon." Wisdom informs me, waving a hand at a side that I did not recognize. "Everything has been a bit out of control since she started gaining power."

"Can we kick her out?" Contempt asks, a frown set on her face. "She's so annoying."

"Really," Sarcasm agrees at once, putting on an impression of the girl with burgundy robes. "Oooh, let's go pick some flowers and look at the stars and hold hands! I'm a total loser!"

"I don't know," Thoughtfulness speaks up, a finger to her chin, "I don't think she's that bad…"

"She does complicate things, though." Logic puts in. "I think we can all agree to that."

"Remember the time she tried to hug Evil?" Nostalgia sighs, watching all of us with misty eyes.

"I think she just needs to tone it down a bit." Caution offers her opinion. "She'll ruin our reputation."

"Tell me about it." Pride snorts, looking at her nails as though examining their condition.

"Excuse me?" I hold my arms up to gain their attention. "I didn't come here to settle your squabbling, I came here to discuss what has been happening lately."

"I've been happening!" the burgundy cloaked girl throws up her arms, smiling brightly before hugging the closest emotion she can find, who just so happens to be a petrified Embarrassment.

"Can we kill her?" Morbidity asks, hands sinking into her black robes for something that I was sure I would not like.

"No!" I dart over to save Embarrassment from being smothered by the girl hugging her to death, and she latches onto me.

"I'm so glad we're finally meeting!" she hugs me tightly.

"Who are you?" I struggle to extricate myself, and Seriousness helps me, clicking her tongue in disapproval at the display.

"Stupidity." Contempt offers.

"Noooo, I'm Love!" she told me, and reaches into her robe, pulling out a rose and offering it to Contempt, who promptly hands it over to Anger, who in turn, tears it to shreds.

"She is such a spaz." Rudeness laughs as Love sighs mournfully over the fate of her rose for a split second before recovering and hugging Anger, who looks ready to incinerate everything in sight. Caution squeals in terror and pulls her away from the red-cloaked side of me.

"Love?" I consider this for a moment. "Then you can help me. Who do I love?"

"Oh, here she goes." Fatigue yawns, "I'm already sick of it."

"Would you shut up? This is never going to end if people keep interrupting." Impatience glares at Fatigue, who is now sitting down to rest.

"Oh, cause that wasn't an interruption." Sarcasm snorts.

"All of you, stop it!" I snap at them. "Love, answer the question."

"Hmm…" Love has been looking at the black sky thoughtfully, her hands clasped to her chest since I first asked her for the solution to my problems. "You love…everyone!"

"Woo, amazing help." Sarcasm shakes her head. "Can I go?"

"Me too!" Impatience raises her hand, "I have nothing to do with this sort of thing."

"Remember the time Beast Boy and Cyborg came in here?" Nostalgia asks out of the blue.

"That was horrible!" Embarrassment flushes until she is nearly purple.

"Maybe I can help?" an emotion in pale pink robes steps forward, not resisting in the least bit when Love latches onto her. "I'm Affection."

"Okay…I think I know most everyone else here…wait, where is Evil?" I look around for the girl in blood-red robes, but she is nowhere in sight.

"Setting Indecision's robes on fire!" Fear exclaims, pointing in horror at the utterly oblivious emotion, who has indeed begun to smolder slightly in her grey-blue robes. The emotion in question stands up from where she has been hidden behind Indecision, who is now being thoroughly doused by Righteousness and Confidence.

"Oops." She cackles slightly as most of the emotions glare at her, and I sigh before turning back to Affection and Love.

"Okay then, how about we discuss this. Does anyone else feel like they can help me come to a decision?" I turn around, facing the ring of emotions in their rainbow of cloaks.

"I have done a lot of research on this topic, and I feel like I could offer something of value." Knowledge speaks up, and Logic follows suit.

"Though Love is an utterly silly emotion, I feel that I can assist you." She offers.

"She isn't silly," Righteousness counters. "Her opinion is just as valid as anyone else's."

"Except, possibly, for Confusion and Indecision, who don't really have opinions." Contempt offers, and Sarcasm laughs, slapping a high-five with the other emotion.

"Remember when we first met Robin?" Nostalgia asks, now completely off topic. "He is so nice."

"Can I kill her?" Morbidity asks, and I notice that from somewhere, she has gotten her hands on a knife. Great.

"No killing anyone." I tell her firmly, and Evil lets out a sigh of despair.

"Come on, there has to be one of us you don't like." Morbidity is now testing the edge of the knife on her pale fingers. "Look at how many there is. Some of them are superfluous."

"Technically speaking, she is right." Logic considers, but Wisdom claps a hand to her mouth before she can continue.

"One step closer, and I'll take you out." Hostility tells Morbidity, her hands raised and ready to summon magic.

"You guys are giving me a headache." Fatigue calls out, from where she is now laying on the ground with her arms behind her head.

"Affection, what is your opinion?" I decide that if I pay attention to their bickering, I'll be here all day.

"I think that we should hug more often!" Love squeals happily, and Happiness bursts into girlish laughter. Pride groans and buries her face in her hands.

"I think we need more lace on our robes!" Femininity calls out, twirling in her blue pastel robes as Evil cracks her knuckles.

"Can I kill her?" Morbidity asks, and I don't bother to answer.

"I think that we are very close friends with all of the Titans." Affection offers her opinion. "But I think that you should let it show more often. Buy them all presents!"

"Or you could make them something." Thoughtfulness offers.

"Potpourri!" Femininity squeals in delight, and Evil looks nearly as aggravated as Pride.

"How about you get Beast Boy a nice leather jacket?" Morbidity asks, an evil grin on her face as she continues playing with her knife.

"Really cute," Sarcasm snorts in derision.

"Remember the time Beast Boy saved us from that monster?" Nostalgia asks. "And he ate ham!"

"I hate ham." Hatred offers helpfully.

"That was so scary!" Fear cuts in, and she clutches Panic's hand, though she is clearly in no state to offer comfort.

"Would you all calm down?" Seriousness cuts in at that moment. "Raven isn't here to listen to your quibbling."

"Thank you!" I turn to Affection again. "Can't you be any more specific than that?"

"Well…" Affection turns to Love and then smiles brightly. "I think Love is right!"

"I don't think so." Pettiness speaks up. "I do not love whoever ate the last of the cereal last week."

"No one loves me." Loneliness offers, sniffling, and Sadness and her both burst into tears.

"Please?" Morbidity is looking at me pleadingly, tilting her head in their direction while she twirls the knife in her fingers.

"There is no need for killing." Purity speaks up. "Let us all just be friends!"

"Can I borrow that knife?" Evil asks, glaring at Purity, who seems utterly unfazed by her malicious intent.

"What is going on!?" Confusion cries out, and Determination pats her back encouragingly.

"We're going to figure this out." She tells the girl, turning to the rest of the circle. "Let's do this! Raven came here for a reason!"

"Laziness and Fatigue just snuck away." Righteousness informs me, and I roll my eyes.

"Not like they were really helping, was it?" I turn back to the circle in general. "Come on, someone has to have a concrete opinion here."

"In my opinion, Love is a waste of time." Logic offers, and Knowledge nods her head sharply.

"Great, very helpful. You two, go back over there." I point to the empty spots in the circle where they had been standing before they approached me. "And before you ask, the answer is no, Morbidity." I cut off the black-cloaked girl before she can even ask her question, and she and Evil seem very put out indeed.

"I don't think we should be worrying about this." Satisfaction offers her opinion. "I think everything is fine just how it is."

"I think that you would appreciate love better if you discovered it for yourself." Wisdom opines.

"Why do you think she's here? For the engaging conversation?" Sarcasm asks.

"Are you saying that you know the answers?" I ask Wisdom, who purses her lips slightly. "You have to tell me, you know."

"How come she always gets to know everything?" Jealousy pouts, and Morbidity fingers her knife.

"Sometimes," Wisdom ignores Jealousy as she begins speaking, "You can love someone without being in love with them, in the way that you would love family members or very close friends."

"I can't believe we're talking about this." Embarrassment flushes darkly, and Contempt nods shortly.

"The love you feel for Robin, for example, is different from the love you feel for Beast Boy." Wisdom elaborates. "Do you understand?"

"This is so boring." Impatience shakes her head.

"Remember the time—" Nostalgia begins, only to be cut off.

"Shut up!" Exclaims Anger. "You're so annoying."

"Be nice!" Sadness demands weepily. "Why can't we just be nice?"

"Why can't you just shut up?" Sarcasm asks her acidly.

"Stop that! Don't pick on her!" Righteousness calls out in Sadness' defense.

"In addition, the love you feel for Terra is different from the love you feel for Beast Boy." Wisdom continues, clearly immune to the distracting effect of all the emotions constantly bickering.

"But it is all great!" Love exclaims happily.

"If I can't kill her, can I kill myself?" Morbidity speaks up again, and I sigh in annoyance. It is difficult to control the emotions when I enter my mind, though after this session, I am hopeful that they will be less…conflicted.

"We should just kill ourselves." Loneliness adds her opinion. "No one would care."

"I would care!" Affection cries out.

"No one cares what you think." Evil intercedes.

"So…what you're saying is that I do, in fact…love everyone?" I ask Wisdom, who nods slightly. "Well, you're no help either. How am I supposed to know what to do?"

"That would be my area of expertise." Logic spoke up once more. "All of this Love nonsense is only confusing things. The best course of action, so that you can do your job and successfully revive Terra, is to avoid it altogether."

"Don't ignore it!" Love burst forward at that moment, hugging me tightly. "Love can set you free."

"So can death." Morbidity offers in a thoughtful tone.

"I like her idea." Evil points to Morbidity. "Let's kill everyone."

"Yeah, they're all stupid anyway." Contempt agrees readily.

"You should let your love show!" Affection offers her own opinion.

"Yeah! You can just have them both!" Greed speaks up, seeming very pleased with the idea.

"Ooh, that could be good." Temptation agrees. "We could just sneak around between the two."

"What's to stop them doing the same thing?" Jealousy speaks up. "In fact, I think if we revive Terra, they'll just end up both ignoring us in favor of each other."

"So…that's why I said we should kill them." Evil points out.

"But I'll be sad if our friends die!" Sadness cries out, still sobbing.

"What are we doing?" Confusion calls out, still clearly unsure of what is going on.

"It doesn't matter, no one is really our friend, are they?" Loneliness sighs sadly.

"Do you remember the time—"

"SHUT UP!!" about ten voices cry out all at once, cutting Nostalgia off once more. She doesn't seem bothered by the fact that everyone is ignoring her, and simply wanders over to Sadness and Loneliness, trying to cheer them up with her reminiscences.

"We're getting nowhere with all this arguing." Seriousness takes over. "We should each of us offer our opinions in turn. We can just raise our hands for permission to speak."

"Genius idea," Logic smiles at Seriousness, who shrugs modestly before a number of hands go up in the air. Several emotions have no opinion to offer.

"Okay," I look at all the hands, "Fear."

"I don't think we should do anything!" she exclaims in a shaky voice.

"Logic, I already heard your idea." I move on, "Thoughtfulness?"

"We should think about this a bit more." She taps her chin, and there are murmurs of agreement from Knowledge and Fear.

"Femininity?" I call on her rather hesitantly.

"We should wear more dresses!" she exclaims brightly.

"As helpful as that would be, the answer is definitely no." I tell her, and she pouts slightly as I move on. "Happiness?"

"I like Terra and Beast Boy. Think how cool it will be when she's revived? You can just all hang out all the time!" Happiness tells me. "You should just be glad they're your friends."

"Morbidity, I'm not killing anyone." I tell the next emotion with her hand up.

"I was just going to suggest that you fake your own death." She tells me. "Then you could go away and not worry about stupid Love all the time."

"Great, I'll keep that plan in mind." I roll my eyes, "Jealousy?"

"I don't think you should bring Terra back." She tells me. "She's just trying to trick you. She only cares about Beast Boy."

"Kill them!" Evil suggests, unable to wait her turn.

"No, I already said I wasn't doing that." I shake my head at them both and move on. "Temptation?"

"Date them both and see which one you like better!" she exclaims, Greed nodding enthusiastically by her side.

"Um…no." I move on once more. "Contempt?"

"I think they're both stupid." She tells me. "So they deserve each other."

"Great, very helpful." I turn to the next emotion, "Confidence?"

"Tell them both how you feel, and then you guys can all figure something out." She advises.

"Wow…I'm pretty sure that would end in disaster. Wisdom?"

"I think Confidence has a good point." She tells me thoughtfully.

"No! They'll both hate us!" Embarrassment is clearly mortified.

"We shouldn't say anything yet." Caution agrees with the madly blushing emotion.

"Hope?" I ask the emotion who has been silent for the duration of this conversation.

"I think we should try telling them." She clasps her hands to her heart. "Who knows what might happen?"

"That is why we shouldn't say anything!" Fear interrupts, and I move on.

"Love?" I turn to the burgundy-robed girl, and she giggles helplessly.

"I think you should tell them." She offers, "And then, kiss them!"

"I like that idea." Affection smiles brightly.

"I am not kissing anyone." I tell them both.

"Oh, 'cause you haven't been doing any kissing lately anyway." Sarcasm rolls her eyes, and Rudeness bursts into laughter.

"How about this…" I pause, thinking things over. "I won't do anything now, but when I bring Terra back, I can see how everything changes, and progress from there."

"Why don't I ever win just one argument?" Evil is clearly annoyed, but Anger is sighing in defeat as well.

"I think that sounds very well thought out." Wisdom offers me a smile. "Now then, if you stay here much longer, the others might worry."

"Yes, I'll leave at once." I nod to them all, and as an afterthought, add on two words, "Thank you." And in a few moments, I am floating through the sky, leaving behind the multicolored emotions, who all seem to be behaving rather well for the moment. I feel that liquid sensation again, and when I come back to myself, I am floating in my room, the mirror in my hands, and Beast Boy knocking on my door, wanting to know if everything is all right.

For the moment, I suppose…it is.

-----

Quam terribilis est haec hora (How fearful is this hour)

-----

The next day, I feel much more at peace as I sit down with my cauldron and begin to prepare Caeruleum, a mixture that intensifies the magical strength of various compounds. It is another simple concoction, only requiring me to infuse moonstone in a boiled cinnamon broth. I make two jars worth of the substance, but only put one jar on the shelf, where I retrieve one of my jars of Crocinum so that I can mix Viridans, the potion of awakening.

To prepare the Caeruleum to accept the addition of Crocinum, I stir in some minced thyme and a dash of powdered rodochrosite that Starfire prepared for me weeks ago. Adding the Crocinum slowly, I continue to stir until the entire mixture has reached a sickly green color that still smells vaguely of cinnamon. Finally, I stir in a tiny piece of amber, watching as the heat of the elements and the magic present in the cauldron causes the soft stone to actually melt in, like a pat of butter. I continue to stir until the entire mixture is of one consistency, and then I let it cool, dropping a piece of jade into it to prepare for the next step.

But before I can use the Viridans and another jar or Crocinum to create Obustum, the hardening potion, I know I will have to let the jade infuse in that mixture for two hours, so I leave the cauldron cooling and exit my room for the first time all day for a cup of chamomile tea.

"Raven!" I do not expect to be accosted as soon as I exit my room, but when I think back on it, I haven't left the room for longer than a few moments since the day before yesterday. I am barely out the door when I suddenly have Starfire clutching at my neck. "You are all right! Beast Boy assured us that you were needing privacy, but I was very worried that perhaps something was wrong."

"I was preparing for tomorrow." It is true, technically. "I need to go back in an hour to brew the hardening potion."

"Oh, yes, the substance that will make softness into a rock." She clearly remembers copying that one out of the book at my request.

"But when used in conjunction with other elements on someone who has become a stone, it has the reverse effect." I explain. "Ironic, isn't it?"

"Yes, the irony is great!" Starfire agrees, latching onto my arm and refusing to let go as we continue out into the living room, where the rest of the Titans are gathered. Robin and Beast Boy are playing video games while Cyborg watches, and I have high hopes of passing through without catching their notice, but my hopes are dashed quite efficiently by my escort. "Friends! Raven has emerged from her self-imposed exile, and she has been working very hard on the potions for reviving Terra."

"Raven!" Robin looks up immediately, but it is Beast Boy that becomes distracted and crashes his virtual car into the side of the track, costing him the race. "It's good to see you. How have things been going? Anything we can do to help?"

"Want some food?" Beast Boy speaks up next, abandoning his controller now that he has lost.

"Sorry, no, I'm fasting." I shake my head slightly.

"Fasting? Is that like…you're dieting?" Beast Boy gives me a severe frown. "No way! You totally don't need to! You're hot without fasting."

"She feels normal temperature to me." Starfire releases my arm at that moment to check my temperature, and is confused by the immediate catcalls from Cyborg, and Robin's laughter. "It is a joke? I do not understand?"

"So now it all comes out!" Cyborg is pointing at Beast Boy, having not yet taken over the green boy's controller. "Man, you're hot for Raven. I knew you were spending a lot of time around her, but I totally missed that."

"Now Beast Boy is hot?" Starfire turns to me, as I am the only one not laughing or growling viciously in gorilla form at the laughers. "Please, I do not understand. Is the word 'hot' not an expression of temperature?"

"Most of the time." I glare at Robin and Cyborg, who are still chortling, clearly pleased with the fact that they have inspired quite an impressive shade of red in my cheeks. "Sometimes it just means you're immature and can't mind your own business."

"No need to get defensive, Raven." Robin holds up both hands in surrender, one still clutching a game controller.

"Yeah, unless there's any truth to this thing with BB and you." Cyborg raises his eyebrows, and I purse my lips at him before turning away swiftly and storming to the kitchen. "Hey, what's with the attitude, Rae? Don't have anything to tell us, do you?"

"That was smooth, Beast Boy." Robin is still teasing the changeling, and Starfire is still completely confused.

"Please…he is smooth and hot?" she turns to Robin, pleading for an explanation.

"No, Star, come here, we'll explain it." Cyborg winks at her, and she joins the pair on the couch while Beast Boy huffs into the kitchen after me.

"Don't listen to anything they say, Star!" he calls out before crashing into the kitchen, not seeming to see me as he leans against the wall. "Man, those guys." He's fuming, and other than the blush on his cheeks as he returns to human form, I would say I haven't seen him this angry since the incident with Adonis when his genes unleashed the monster inside of him. "Where does Robin get off teasing me, anyway? He's wanted to get with Starfire from day one. Like I can't even compliment a girl."

"Yeah," I look up from where I am setting the kettle on the stove. "I'm still here, by the way. Feel free to vent in my direction."

"They're out there right now, telling Starfire…things about us!" he waves his arm in the direction of the. "Just 'cause I said…oh, that's right. Why aren't you eating?" he turns on me swiftly, the stern frown back again, and it actually lightens my mood slightly.

"I told you, I'm fasting." I repeat my explanation before elaborating further. "And no, that is nothing like a diet. This is so that I can perform the ceremony properly. I always fast three days before any big spell."

"Oh." His indignation falls flat, and he scratches the back of his head sheepishly. "Looks like I embarrassed us for nothing."

"Looks like." My kettle starts whistling, and I take it off the heat, turning the burner off while summoning my nearby teacup and bag. "Nice to know I look fine without dieting, though." I can't resist teasing him, and right on cue, he flushes deeply, his cheeks going brown. That will never cease to amuse me.

"I was just trying…look, Raven." His tone is suddenly serious, and I set down the kettle after filling my teacup with steaming water. "We need to talk."

"Do we?" I glance up, and see that he has moved from the wall to stand against the counter next to me. That is where I was standing when he kissed me, I recall most suddenly. And I am where he was. Lowering my tone to nearly a whisper, I continue, "Look, part of being able to successfully complete this ceremony is having ones emotions well in check. After what happened the other day, I had to go into my mirror." I know he realizes what that means, so I do not elaborate further.

"So…" he licks his lips, shifting from foot to foot in a way that is clearly calculated to be utterly adorable. I do not find Beast Boy adorable, in any sense of the term. In fact, I find nothing adorable! I despise the word! "What…does that mean?" he looks up at me, eyes wide. Okay, apparently he is adorable. But only sometimes.

"It means…" I realize that I am dunking my teabag rather violently, and have sloshed nearly half the water over onto the stove. I concentrate on stopping, and all at once, I drop the bag into the murky liquid. "It means that for now, I have this situation under control, but I can't just…be…doing things…in the kitchen." Somehow, words are eluding me, and I am very frustrated at my inability to communicate like a calm human being, or half human being, if you are interested in splitting hairs.

"Did…you hate it?" he looks over, at where his hand has found a scrap of loose linoleum on the counter, and he is compulsively picking at it. I understand his nervousness better than he thinks.

"No." I admit.

"Can I…can I do it again sometime?" he continues. "Cause…I liked it, and…um, if you liked it…"

"I don't know." I shake my head violently. "I feel like I don't know anything anymore. If you would just…just…"

"Just what?" he looks up, eyes so violently green it shouldn't be allowed. "Raven…do you know how scared I was? That you'd tear me to bits if I tried anything? That you'd slap me…or throw me across the room, or just…not say anything and run away."

"I didn't mean to do that." I sigh deeply. "I'm sorry."

"I didn't know you could do apologies." He snorts weakly, and I grab my tea, shaking my head in annoyance, but his hand meets mine. "Wait…sorry, I was just trying to lighten things a bit…"

"If you want to say something," I breathe deeply, relaxing my hand, "Say it already."

"I wanted you to know…like, if you don't hate me now…" I roll my eyes, and he presses onward. "I really care about you, and…I know we've known each other for a long time, and I never really…and I know you think this is about Terra, but it isn't, and I just…"

"You should learn to stop while you're ahead." I tease him, lifting the tea to my lips for a sip and then lowering it to the tea-covered stovetop again. "I don't hate you."

"And?" he presses, clearly expecting more.

"And…I'm still thinking things through." I tell him, my finger tracing the rim of the cup. "I…can't say I didn't like it, but I've never…and you know how my emotions are. I am not someone to jump in head first without—" and suddenly he does it again, pulling me forward, pressing his lips to mine, and I feel like I'm melting there. In the background, far removed from the only things that matter at the moment, which are my lips and his, and also perhaps the way his right thumb is moving back and forth on my shoulder, I hear the tinkle of china breaking, and feel a splash of heat on my leg, letting me know that, true to form, we are apparently unable to kiss without also making a mess in the kitchen. He pulls back a little, just enough to let me breathe, but his eyes are boring into mine, and I wonder how he can go this long without cracking a joke. I didn't know it was possible.

"I can't think things through." He tells me, his voice hushed. "I just do what feels right."

"I wish I could be that way." I answer, looking down at the floor. "You keep doing that."

"Making a mess?" he looks down at the tea and chuckles slightly. I feel a smile tugging at my own lips.

"No, I broke the cup." I tell him. "I meant, you know…" I lean forward a little bit, intent on catching his lips again for a moment.

"Raven! Robin tells me that the hot word means that Beast Boy and you—" the cheery voice cuts off as quickly as it began, and the pair of us fly apart, Beast Boy returning to his torn linoleum, and I busy myself with cleaning up the tea and cup littering the stove area. "Oh! I am sorry to interrupt…whatever I have interrupted."

"Starfire, can you do me a favor?" I look up from the floor, where I am picking up bits of china. "Please do not say anything about this to Cyborg and Robin."

"But the two of you were merely—mmph!" Beast Boy rushes over, covering her mouth with his hands while I continue to clean.

"They wouldn't understand, okay, Star?" he uncovers her mouth, and though she looks extremely perplexed, she nods her consent.

"I…will do my best to keep your rendezvous a secret from the others as long as you see fit." She frowns slightly before drifting back into the living room.

"Like they need any more ammo." Beast Boy grumbles. "You think she'll be able to keep it quiet?"

"She'll try." I shrug slightly. "Can't really ask more from Starfire."

"So…does this mean our talk is over?" he asks, shuffling his feet slightly.

"For now." I give him a tiny smile before tossing away the last of my cup and leaving the room. I think I will meditate until it is time to brew the Obustum.

----------

To be concluded…