Disclaimer: Same old, I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television

AN: Sorry about the delay, I found myself with a case of writers block…. Fortunately it has now gone! Thank you to all reviewers, and the people who give me the occasional poke when I need it! Hope everyone who got results from exams did well. Hope you enjoy the chapter.

Chapter 10

Why? Why does it keep getting worse? Is there anything else that could possibly go wrong?

These thoughts ran quickly through Jeff Tracy's head as he gazed down on his blonde middle son. A choked sob quickly drew his attention, and he looked over in time to see Gordon rush into the connecting bathroom and shut the door.

Scott immediately got up to follow him, but paused to give John a small smile and say softly

"Its good to see you awake, John. You gave us one hell of a scare, let me tell you"

He then turned and walked quickly after his younger brother into the bathroom.

John then turned worried eyes on his Father.

"What's up with Gordon, dad?"

Jeff sighed, typical John, more concerned with the welfare of his brothers than his own. He looked into John's eyes, one filled with concern for his brother, the other staring sightlessly at him.

He suppressed a shiver at the sight of that blank eye, and resolved to tell John about his condition and let him decide. Jeff glanced at his mother, who immediately picked up the hint and dropped a kiss on John's cheek, before walking into the bathroom.

John had also caught the glance and immediately became suspicious.

"What's going on?" he demanded with narrowed eyes.

When Jeff didn't answer, John got worried.

"Father? Has something happened to one of the boys? You seem…I don't know…" John's voice trailed off, as his imagination supplied him possible scenarios.

Seeing the anxiety in John's eye, Jeff was quick to reassure him that his brothers were fine.

John visibly relaxed on hearing this and sank back into his pillows, suppressing a wince as pressure was put on his gash.

Jeff took a deep breath and mentally readied himself to break the terrible news.

"John," he said gently "It's…Its not good news. The reason that you collapsed up on Five, is because…because…."

He trailed off, unwilling to say the words, words that had been echoing around his head since they had found out. He was their father for goodness sake, he was supposed to protect them from things that could hurt them.

Jeff knew that his sons faced danger everyday with International Rescue, but now one of them had been struck down by something on the inside, something unseen, something that he couldn't prevent.

He swallowed hard as he tried to finish his sentence and get the words out of his mouth.

"It's cancer, John. You've got a brain tumour." He finally blurted out.

Jeff turned away and hastily swiped a hand across his eyes before turning back to his son.

John was just sitting there, a small frown creasing his forehead, apparently trying to absorb what he had just been told.

Cancer. The word sucked all the air out of John's lungs and left him gasping. It echoed around his brain and invaded his thoughts. It made him angry.

He muttered something under his breath that Jeff didn't catch. On seeing Jeff's blank expression, he asked louder

"How bad is it? What are my choices, what are my chances even? Or am I dying? No, I can't be, otherwise the others would be here. Cant have them taking time off for anything else can we now?"

Jeff gasped at the words pouring out of his son's mouth, at the bitterness in them, bitterness that he had probably caused by sending John up to Thunderbird Five every other month.

"John…" words failed him again and he just stood there, mouth open, gaping at John.

"Well? Are you going to answer my questions?" John asked bitterly.

"I…umm well your best chance is an operation, but there are risks with that. But without it, then it's…its terminal."

John flinched as if he'd been slapped. Abruptly, his face crumpled and a tear slid slowly down his face. He angrily brushed it away and turned away from his father.

Just then, Gordon walked back in, followed by Scott and Grandma. Taking stock of the situation, he immediately walked over to his brother and enveloped him in a hug.

On feeling Gordon's arms around him, John burst into silent sobs.

"Please…go, I need to be alone" John said brokenly.

"I'm not going anywhere John." The resolute tone of Gordon's voice meant that he could not be persuaded to do anything else.

John, knowing this from past experiences, simply nodded and gestured to the others.

"Please Gordy…. J-just you stay"

Gordon's only answer was to tighten his hold on his brother. As the others silently left the room, the two brothers were left clinging to each other, the silence only broken by John's sobs.

Gordon was unsure of how long he had been sitting there when John regained his control. Time had lost all meaning since they had got stuck inside this nightmare they couldn't wake up from.

John eventually broke away from Gordon, and looked away, embarrassed at his crying fit. After all, Tracy boys didn't cry.

Gordon knew exactly what he was thinking and was quick to reassure him.

"Its ok, John. It's affected everyone like this, and you…you have the most right of all to react as you want to…Have you decided what you want to do yet?"

Gordon was worried about breaching the subject, but knew that it needed to be discussed and decisions made quickly.

John sighed and looked back at Gordon.

"I dunno Gord, I basically have to choose between certain death or possible death…but at least with the certain death I would have time to…prepare, ya no?" John shivered at the morbid nature of the conversation and also as the implications of the decision he would have to make sunk in.

His voice became soft as he voiced his feelings.

"I'm…I'm scared Gordon. I never dreamed that it could all possibly end like this. I thought maybe with International Rescue, maybe up in space. Never being taken over by something inside my body, something I cant control…" His voice trailed off as he drifted into his own thoughts.

"I don't wanna die…but if I'm gonna, I definitely don't want to die alone on the operating table. I don't want to die alone!" John's voice, which had been quiet, gradually got louder, until he practically yelled the last part.

"Sorry" he apologised, "It's just that…you remember that rescue don't you? The landslide in France?"

Gordon thought back, and looked down as he recalled the rescue. They knew that it was never possible to save them all, but when a life was lost, as it had been in this rescue, it felt like a failure.

Gordon nodded in affirmation and John continued. "Well the guy who died was the guy who called for help. He was so thankful that he'd managed to get through to us, so so thankful. It meant that his friends, his family could be saved. He knew he was doomed, he just told me he was thankful he'd been able to hear another voice before he died…"

John sat quietly for a minute, thinking back to that day. "I couldn't leave him like that, so I carried on talking to him. He told me about his wife, his three-year-old daughter, how much he loved them. When it neared…the end, and he felt his oxygen running out, he thanked me. Told me he'd been trying to come to terms with dying alone, stuck under a landslide in the pitch black. He was so glad that he wasn't alone. He was so terrified about being alone…I know how he felt, that's kind of like how Thunderbird 5 is, isolated and alone. If something happened up there, I'd be that guy, dying alone without a chance of rescue."

Gordon looked astounded. John had never told him what had happened during that rescue. For him to live with that fear, and yet still spend most of his time up on Thunderbird Five showed his courage and his commitment towards his family and International Rescue.

Gordon shook his head sadly. "Oh John, I had no idea…why didn't you tell me?" he questioned.

John shrugged his shoulders. He looked down and began to play with his hands, wincing when he knocked the needle keeping him connected to his IV. Suddenly, his body went rigid and the colour drained from his face.

He just had time to grab for a bowl before vomiting copiously into it. He groaned and slumped back into his pillows with his eyes closed.

Gordon looked worriedly at the heart monitor, which was now starting to beep faster and faster.

"John?" he questioned fearfully.

"Gordon, get a doctor, I don't know what's going on." John managed to mutter between gritted teeth.

Gordon immediately hit the alarm. A few seconds later, Jeff, Grandma and Scott all burst in, quickly followed by Dr Stokes and Dr Willows.

"What happened?" demanded Dr Willows.

"Umm…well we were talking and then he went pale, was sick and then told me to get a doctor because he didn't know what was going on."

Jeff placed a comforting hand on Gordon's shoulders before turning his attention to the two doctors.

"What's wrong with him?" cried Gordon.

Dr Stokes turned to face them as Dr Willows examined John quickly.

"Well Astrocytomas can cause vomiting, which is probably why he was sick. Now he's complaining of a severe headache and having black spots in front of his vision." He lowered his voice as he continued. "I don't know if you are aware of this, but he has lost his vision in one of his eyes…"

As Jeff confirmed that in fact, he did know this, Dr Stokes nodded.

"Ok, well that this means that the tumour is pressing on vital parts of his brain, for example the parts that control his sight. The tumour is getting worse, sir. The longer we leave it, the worse his chances are. If he's having the operation, he needs is as soon as possible, today if feasible. You have to make a decision." He urged.

Jeff sighed, and ran a hand over the stubble on his chin.

"Let me talk to him, alone."

Dr Stokes nodded and gestured to Dr Willows who nodded before walking out the room, Dr Stokes following closely behind.

"John, they need the go ahead for the operation…" Jeff said hesitantly.

John opened one eye, before immediately snapping it closed again, screwing up face in pain as the light hit his retinas. He groaned, and reached up his hands to begin massaging his temples.

"Dad, listen. I don't want the operation, if I have to die, I want it to be on my terms, I don't want to die alone on the operating table. I don't want the operation!"