Disclaimer: Still own nothing, although getting a thunderbird for Christmas would make my year!

AN: Well Christmas Eve is upon us, so I would like to wish you all a very Happy Christmas and a great New Year. Thank you to all reviewers, the satisfaction that a review brings is one of the reasons that many people continue to write. Thanks to zeilfanaat for reading through and pointing out mistakes. I hope you enjoy the chapter and have a good Christmas.

Chapter 13

John closed his eyes as he sank back into the pillows. Virgil's words echoed around his brain. "Momma wouldn't want you to give up like this…" He gave a growl of frustration, knowing that his elder brother was right. Gordon and Virgil, the two brothers he was closest to, were the only people who could have him questioning his decision, and between them, they were doing a pretty good job.

He inwardly groaned as he heard the door creak open, wondering which person had come to convince him otherwise now.

"John? You awake?" this question came in the unmistakable sound of Gordon's voice.

"Sadly, yes" John retorted tartly.

He opened his eyes to see Gordon looking slightly unsure of himself at John's answer. John sighed and apologised.

"Sorry Gordy, I didn't mean it like that, everyone just keeps pressuring me…well not exactly pressuring, but you get what I mean don't you?" his voice took on a pleading tone at the end, desperately needing someone to empathise with him.

It was Gordon's turn to sigh.

"Yeah, maybe…I dunno John, we're all scared about losing you though, and the operation really is your only option." seeing John's face muscles clench he hastily continued "but its ultimately your choice…"

John's face relaxed as he murmured something intelligible under his breath.

The two brothers sat in silence for a minute or two before Gordon worked up the courage to approach a subject that he knew John would be unwilling to talk about.

"So…what did Virgil say to you?" he asked "If you don't mind me asking." he added hurriedly on the end.

John looked away, appearing not to have heard him. Gordon wondered if he had fallen asleep and was about to get up and leave when John spoke, startling him.

"Oh you know, the usual…" John trailed off before turning back to Gordon "He said mom would want me to have the operation…"

"Ah." was Gordon's intelligent response to this, not knowing what else he could say. He was secretly impressed with how Virgil had tried to persuade John. It would probably turn out to be the deciding factor in John's decision. John had been very close to their mother and Gordon knew that he still missed her, even if he didn't say much on the subject. They all tended to keep their feelings to themselves, and none of them had ever really spoken about the death of their mother. Even now it was still too raw. Gordon knew that Virgil was right though. Gordon also knew that deep down, John agreed as well. He was just too stubborn to admit it.

Taking a deep breath, Gordon threw himself in at the deep end, knowing John wouldn't like hearing what he was about to say.

"I hate to seem like I'm turning against you, but I think that Virgil's right ya know."

John sighed and nodded. "Ok, fair enough. Why though?" he questioned.

Gordon remained silent for a few seconds, gathering his thoughts together.

"I know I don't really remember mom that well, I was tiny when she died, but I still miss her. I know that she's proud of us and loves us, she told me so."

John took a sharp breath. He remembered only too well the terrible time when Gordon's heart had stopped beating, when he had been clinically dead, and what he had seen then. From what Gordon had told them, he had his mother to thank for having Gordon here today. Tears filled his eyes at that.

"I'm so glad she sent you back Gordon, you have no idea how thankful I am." he managed to choke out.

Gordon's honey eyes welled as he nodded.

"I am too. But I wasn't. I thought that I'd lost everything in that crash, my life in WASP, control of my body, Jezzie…" his voice trailed off and he hastily swiped his hands across his eyes.

John leaned forwards and put a sympathetic hand on Gordon's shoulder. He knew how hard Gordon had taken it when he discovered that the love of his life was dead, and knew that Gordon still blamed himself for her death. Nothing that John could say or do could change that; he'd been trying for years with no success. It was just an example of one of the things that all of the Tracy boys carried inside them, something that ate away at them, something that they could do nothing about.

John shook his head at the thought of the different burdens he and his brothers carried, before remembering that it wasn't the best of ideas, he winced but quickly made his facial expression neutral as Gordon looked up, concerned, and all his own troubles immediately forgotten.

"John…" Gordon began.

"I'm fine, Gordon, really I am." said John firmly.

Gordon was in no way convinced as he could hear the pain in John's voice, but he decided to let it go for the time being and try to press his point home.

"Ok John, if you say so." he shrugged. "As I was saying though, I thought I'd lost everything. I was convinced I'd lost everything. I relied on all of you so much then; everyone was there when I needed them. I couldn't have done it without you all." Gordon said quietly. "Its better now, but there are still times when it gets to me, so I call you up in Five, or I speak to Virgil. We all need you John, I need you."

John looked away at Gordon's last sentence, unable to meet his brothers pleading eyes. He gave a shaky laugh and quickly swiped his hand across his eyes.

"Talk about a guilt trip." he muttered, only half-joking.

Gordon remained silent, having nothing more to add.

John gave a growl of frustration as conflicting thoughts bounced around his head.

"Urgh, I don't know…I'm so…what…dammit!" he cursed, completely torn between decisions.

Gordon spoke up again at this point

"Imagine if it was me or Scott or Virgil lying there, what would you be telling us to do?"

John looked at Gordon, emotion written all over his face, before it cleared.

"Yeah, yeah you're right," John said with a sigh, "I'll have the op. Go get dad and the doctors, I'll sign the forms, whatever."

Gordon practically collapsed with relief at Johns words, and couldn't restrain his smile.

"You have no idea how glad I am, I'll go get the others now!"

He turned to leave the room.

A shout of "Gordon!" stopped him, and he turned back to John.

"Umm, thanks I guess, for changing my mind, I was being selfish." John said hurriedly.

Gordon didn't know what to say, so he rushed quickly back over to the bed, and pulled his brother into a hug. As John started to cough, Gordon quickly let go and took a step back to give John some space. As the coughing fit continued, Gordon grew more concerned, as apparently did John. Gordon could see John desperately trying to breathe, his face going red with effort.

"John, are you ok?" cried Gordon anxiously.

His fears were realised when John choked an answer

"Can't…breathe"