When Jhondie spoke, everyone turned sharply away from where Alicia and
Xander were standing over to the entrance of the surgical unit. The others
wouldn't have realized it, but Justin could see how exhausted his wife was.
He had seen her come out of thirty-six hours of back-to-back surgeries
before and not look this utterly exhausted. What the others did notice was
that despite being in clean scrubs, there was a streak of dried blood on
her white lab coat and another splatter of it in her hair near the
hairline.
Jhondie immediately went to Janice, sitting down beside her. It was more out of habit and training than actual thought. You always went to the spouse or next of kin and gave them the news directly. And for some reason, sitting beside them made it more personal. "He's in post-op right now," she said. "There was a great deal of internal bleeding, but we were able to get it repaired and keep him stabilized."
"He's okay?" Janice asked breathlessly.
Jhondie paused. "He's still very much in critical condition," she replied neutrally. "The next twenty-four to forty-eight hours are going to give us a better understanding of long-term prognosis."
Doctor-speak for I have no idea, Justin thought. Everyone else might think that Jhondie was simply being professional right now and still keeping her cool as a surgeon and not a family member, but Justin knew her far too well. She was speaking too carefully, choosing her words rather then simply stating what she thought.
"What room is he going in and when?" Xander asked sharply. "I need to get someone posted..."
"Not in the ICU," Jhondie interrupted. She stood, looking him right in the eye. "He's going to be spending at least the next several days in the ICU and nobody is going to cause a disturbance in there. He is not the only critical patient in this hospital and none of you are going to endanger them, thinking that you are protecting Cole."
"He won't need a CIA guard," Janice said, looking up at Xander darkly. "I'm going to be with him and there's not much better in the agency than that."
"And the twins are coming," Alicia added. "They'll know if something's up long before any of us would."
"When can I see him?" Janice asked. She knew Jhondie was being honest with her and that he had made it through, blah blah. But she wasn't going to get rid of this feeling of sickening panic until she was able to touch him and just be there with him.
Jhondie sat back down, the threatening transgenic gone and the caring healer back. "He'll be in recovery for a little while longer and then he'll be taken to the ICU. Policy is a visitor every ten or fifteen minutes on the hour." She looked around at the others. "Normally it's only one visitor at a time, but I'm willing to allow two. That's Janice plus one more, period. Trust me, you do not want to cause any of my staff a moment's worth of grief, is that understood?"
Nothing else really needed to be said. She was X-5. They were X-6. If she felt like it, she could wipe the floor with them.
"Jhondie," Janice said, getting her attention back. "Thank you." Her words carried far more meaning than just thanking her for patching up Cole. Janice knew how much this had and would cost for Jhondie, yet she had done it all anyways.
Jhondie smiled. "Don't thank me just yet. We've still got a lot of recovery ahead. There was a spinal injury, but Shawna said that it would heal in time. I'll know more by tomorrow on where it stands."
"Where's Shawna at?" Xander asked. She should be with Cole, watching over him, but Jhondie didn't seem like she was in the mood to tolerate any more changes to the normal routine. He was going to get hurt when she heard about the cleaner team.
"She went up to the roof," Jhondie replied. She stood. "I think she needed a few minutes to herself." She looked down at Janice. "I'm going to get cleaned up and then I will be back to escort you to the ICU."
With that, she went back through the door leading to the surgical unit. Justin waited for a minute, and then went to follow her. "Where are you going?" Xander snapped. If he couldn't go through those hallowed doors and check on his brother, then Justin wasn't either.
"Drop it Xander," Alicia ordered sharply. "He's got someone to take care of and right now, so do you." Justin shot her a grin of appreciation and then proceeded after Jhondie. Xander thought about arguing more, but then realized it wouldn't do any good and she was right on his end. He left Janice with Alicia and headed up to the roof.
There were a couple of people smoking up there in the late-autumn sunset light, but Shawna was alone in a corner, sitting cross-legged on the ledge. She was sitting absolutely still and it wasn't until Xander came closer that he saw the silent tears running down her face. Xander sat down, facing her side and then hugged her tightly.
Shawna sniffed, pressing herself tightly against his chest. "He died," she cried softly. "Oh God, it was going along just fine and then he was gone."
Xander jumped, not sure if he was going to be sick or scream or something. "But Jhondie said..." he choked out. "She said he made it!"
"It was horrible," Shawna sobbed. "They lost him and then they got him back and it was just, okay, not a big deal, we'll do it again if we need to. And I was standing there against the wall and I could think is why do they want me there. I'm not a real doctor, much less a surgeon. And they kept asking me things and I had to make all these decisions and now...what if he dies? What if I was wrong about something and it kills him?"
Now she was crying heavily. Xander couldn't speak for a long minute, mostly due to his heart trying to restart after hearing her blurt out that Cole was dead. Okay. She was just stressed. She had never been in a command position and got stuck in one today. Then it got really bad. He could work with that. But for now he let her get it out, stroking her hair before tilting her face up to him and kissing her gently.
"He made it," Xander consoled. This was awkward. Shawna could shrug off anything. Seeing her this upset was hard to deal with. He continued, "When I first got here, I didn't think Cole was going to make it another five minutes. But he's through surgery and he'll live. So whatever you said or did in there, it had to have helped."
"You weren't in there," she said hollowly. "Jhondie yelled at me to come over and I didn't think I could even move much less help. But then all of a sudden I had my hands on his heart and I was pumping it for Cole. He's always been so strong and sure but there he was and his life was literally between my hands. They...we saved his life and nobody thought it was anything extraordinary."
Her tears were diminishing as she looked over the New York City skyline. "We spent so much time being trained to kill. Even as a medic on the outside, I was with a group of people that were of the same mindset. I spent so long taking lives and then I'm being asked to give life. I don't know how to do that. How is he going to live if I don't know the first thing about giving life?
Xander grabbed her shoulders and roughly made her face him. "Don't you ever say that," he growled. "You know how to make someone want to live. That counts."
She couldn't keep his intense gaze. "Now I know how you felt," she said softly. "Xan, I am so sorry."
Xander hugged her against him again. "It gave me you," he replied. "It's okay. It really is." Actually, not. It wasn't okay after all these years and it never would be okay. But she didn't need to hear that now. After Manticore had collapsed and they all went their separate ways, Shawna had known that she was the key to starting it all up again. She was where the X-7's were going to come from. Things were said, little whispers and Shawna finally made the decision whether or not she was going to be the one in control of her life and body.
Officially, she had been shot during an attempt at a mugging. In truth, she had simply applied her knowledge of anatomy and trajectories and shot herself in the lower abdomen. Xander found out about her plan minutes to late to stop her. He had even heard the gunshot as he raced to keep her from hurting herself and then had to be the one to take her to the hospital on base. The doctors had to do some serious surgery in order to save her life, including removing her uterus because the damaged organ was the source of the worst bleeding.
Xander had been furious with her for doing something so stupid. They had been such close friends, for her to just do something like this killed him. She held to the story of a mugger, but he knew the truth. The others had thought it was odd for her to get nailed like that, but everyone was entitled to an off day. Xander had wanted to be mad at her forever, but eventually he came to see her reasoning on why she had done it. There was simply no other way and at the time, they were all still being watched to make sure they were really loyal.
Instead of being furious and refusing to have anything to do with her, Xander had taken care of Shawna while she healed. It was painful for her mentally as well as physically. Of all of the X-6, Shawna had mentioned liking the thought of having children. It hurt to know that was never going to happen now. During that time, she relied heavily on Xander. They had been close their whole lives, but they had never felt brotherly or sisterly towards each other. They had joked before that they were too good of friends to be siblings. Shawna had no problems referring to Cole or Lon as her brother but Xander was different. While she stayed with him that kind of different ended up becoming a totally new kind of different.
It had been a strange relationship by any standards. They had been together when they could and weren't when they couldn't be. Neither of them made any unreasonable demands on the other or tried to get them to be what they weren't. They had known each other way too long to try something like that. Over the last ten or fifteen years, since Shawna was in the DC area more or less permanently, they had stayed a constant. They had talked about moving in together a few times and even marriage once in a drunken moment. But in the end, they liked what they had and were determined to keep it.
"I know it all worked out," Shawna said, shaking Xander out of old memories. "But I wish I had found another way."
"So do I," Xander replied honestly. "But it's long since done and over with. Right now, you need to be thinking about how bad you're going to rag on Cole that you were the one that saved his life." He grinned. "And tell him that you carved your initials somewhere, but refuse to tell him where."
Shawna had to laugh at that. For all of the pranks that they had ever played on each other, that would be the ultimate. "I'm better now," she declared and then let out a small chuckle. "But you should have seen Jhondie. I swear, I am glad we never had to go up against her."
"I did," Xander said, rubbing his jaw in painful memory.
"I mean seriously," she said, ignoring the dark look he flashed her. His assignment had been quite serious to him. She ignored it and continued, "She was totally cool under fire. Could have been sipping tea with one hand and resuscitating him with the other at the same time."
"I can see that," Xander replied. "Come on. They're going to move Cole over to the ICU soon."
She glanced down. "I need to get cleaned up and then I'll meet you there," she decided after looking at her dirty surgical scrubs. Xander helped her up and then they headed back downstairs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Justin hesitated at the door of the women's changing room. He knew Jhondie would be in there, but was she alone? Luckily one of the surgical assistants came out and he asked her if anyone else was in there. It was after the point of scheduled surgeries, so it should be quiet by now. The assistant told him that Dr. Carter was in there but that was it before continuing on her way. Justin debated for another second and then walked in.
Jhondie was sitting on a bench with her legs tucked against her chest, chin resting on her knees, staring at her hands. Justin cursed mentally. That was a very bad sign. It had been a few years since he had seen her do that flipping her hands over and over, first staring at her palms then fingers and then the backs of her hands and then over again. When she first started practicing surgery, she would get like this every few months or so. As time went on, it happened less and less.
The first time had been after she did an ambulance rotation. All interns and residents were being required to spend time out with paramedics. It was good for them to see patients from start to finish if they were dealing in emergency medicine. Jhondie was lumped in with them since she was training to be a trauma surgeon. She had been on a run where a bad car accident had occurred and a young woman was trapped inside the vehicle. Jhondie had gotten inside of the car and did the usual with checking vitals and setting up an IV. The young woman, Amanda, was eight months pregnant and Jhondie was talking to her about pregnancy and they compared notes as Jhondie tried to keep her from moving. The last thing in the world was for Amanda to move. An extremely heavy piece of glass that had been on the truck that Amanda hit had gone through the windshield and now pressed a sharp edge next to her throat.
The rescue was going well. The workers had to be very careful so as not to jar the vehicle any more that absolutely required but despite the slow progress it was going along well and Jhondie didn't see any reason why Amanda or her baby wouldn't make it. She had comforted Amanda with that and Amanda said she didn't care just whatever happened, make sure her baby lived. She had spent almost eight years trying to conceive and for her to lose her baby at this point would kill her and her husband.
It should have been fine. Everything should have worked. But they were in California. A tremor started under their feet and suddenly Jhondie was thrown back, the mangled car and truck sliding away from her. Jhondie blinked several times, getting the dust out of her eyes when she registered something soft touching her hand. She looked down and saw hair on her hand. Amanda's severed head was resting next to her hand.
When Justin had come home that night, he had found her on the balcony sitting just as she was right now. She had started to tell him about the accident and Justin assumed it was losing a patient that had upset her so much. She *hated* losing patients. That seemed like the most likely suspect as to why she was so much more upset, losing the patient after talking to her and knowing she would live as Jhondie told him how she just sat there in the dust, stunned at what had just happened and how unfair it was. Then she turned those haunted eyes up to him.
"But then I realized that I wasn't sitting on the ground," she had sniffed. "I was back in the car with a scalpel and...and," a sob broke into her words. "I wasn't thinking at all. I just moved. She had asked me to save her baby and no matter how horrified my mind was, I had already started cutting. A couple of minutes later I was pulling that baby from her body and got it to breathing and they rushed it to the hospital." Jhondie began staring at her hands again.
"It was like my hands knew what to do even if I didn't. I've only seen two c-sections done before. Dr. Mayer looked at the body later and said that if Amanda hadn't been dead already when I started the procedure, she might have lived. Damn fine emergency job were his exact words. And I wasn't even thinking about what I was doing, not like when I'm in an operating room. I just did it."
It wasn't losing a patient that had Jhondie so stunned. As much as she didn't like death, she had come to accept that it was a part of a doctor's life and was already building up a callous to it. What had stunned her was that she was beginning to really understand the power she was gaining. Being able to cut into a human body and repair the damage had been both frightening and exhilarating to Jhondie. At times she just didn't know how to cope with it.
Justin had learned that she didn't always need to be talked to when she got like this. She needed to be held and talk herself out. Sometimes after the emotional comfort of talking and getting it out, she would want physical comfort as well. Taylor had actually resulted from one of those times. They hadn't planned on starting another child within a year of Hunter being born, but Jhondie had just been through the wringer with another difficult surgery and neither of them really thought about timing. But Taylor was such a bonus baby that neither of them were unhappy, though they had made sure after that there wouldn't be a fourth child.
Still, it had been a long time since Justin had seen Jhondie like this. She was very confident in herself as a surgeon and it had been a long time since she had amazed herself. Justin sat down behind her and hugged her tightly. Jhondie turned her head against his chest, not at all surprised that he was there.
"That bad?" he asked gently.
"Oh my God, Justin," she half-sobbed. "I have no idea why he's alive. I really don't. I've sent to the morgue people that were less shredded than he was. Almost lost him once on the table and I still can't say how we got him back." She turned her whole body sideways so that she was pressed as tightly as possible against her husband.
"Different when you know him?"
"No...yes...in a way, but not really," Jhondie stammered out. "I wanted him to live more because I know him, but he was still a damaged body that I was going to repair too." She shivered. "But that was one body that was way beyond my skills. When I first saw him, I didn't think he would make it into surgery, much less through. If Shawna hadn't been there to advise, I don't think he would have made it at all."
There was a long moment of silence. "Rich was in there with me and he totally blindsided me," she finally said in a tiny voice. "I knew it was going to come out, I just wasn't expecting it to in the middle of surgery."
Justin let out a rather creative curse. "If he tries anything with the board, then I swear this hospital is going to be the laughingstock of the medical community once I get through with them," he swore angrily. It was rare that he would use the influence of "The Truth" for his own personal ends, but when it came to his wife and children, all gloves came off.
"I don't think Rich is going to be a problem," Jhondie said before Justin could continue his rant. "He respects me too much as a surgeon. But if the rest of the staff can't work with me anymore, then I can't make them and I wouldn't expect the board to keep me as chief of a staff that hates me. As much as I hate to say it, I can see why they would have problems with me now."
"You think things would be different somewhere else?" Justin asked. Maybe a new hospital would see her differently.
"Maybe."
"Maybe in California?" Justin asked softly. He knew that Jhondie hadn't really wanted to leave Los Angeles for New York. But Justin and Logan both knew that for "The Truth" to really grow, they needed a New York office to augment the Seattle one. Jhondie knew that Justin was the one that needed to head up the new office and was willing to move to New York so that he could. But the office was running well and there were plenty of senior managers that would be excellent to head it up, so if it was time to move back to LA for Jhondie, then so be it.
"LA is the only place where a genetically engineered surgeon would be trendy," Jhondie replied, smiling up at Justin. She loved him all the more for the simple way that he would accept her needs and be willing to make sacrifices for her sake. She sighed. "But I do like it here now too and I don't want to get driven out of my hospital. I just don't know right now what's going to happen."
Justin squeezed her. "I do. You're going to clean up and then let Janice see her husband before she starts climbing the walls. And then we all get to wait until Lon returns and can tell us what the hell happened."
Jhondie leaned up and kissed him. "I love you so much."
"Love you too, carina," Justin returned. "Now let me get out of here before someone starts screaming that there's some pervert in the women's room." Jhondie laughed and they both rose. The future was still unclear but at least they had each other and that was the only constant they needed.
Jhondie immediately went to Janice, sitting down beside her. It was more out of habit and training than actual thought. You always went to the spouse or next of kin and gave them the news directly. And for some reason, sitting beside them made it more personal. "He's in post-op right now," she said. "There was a great deal of internal bleeding, but we were able to get it repaired and keep him stabilized."
"He's okay?" Janice asked breathlessly.
Jhondie paused. "He's still very much in critical condition," she replied neutrally. "The next twenty-four to forty-eight hours are going to give us a better understanding of long-term prognosis."
Doctor-speak for I have no idea, Justin thought. Everyone else might think that Jhondie was simply being professional right now and still keeping her cool as a surgeon and not a family member, but Justin knew her far too well. She was speaking too carefully, choosing her words rather then simply stating what she thought.
"What room is he going in and when?" Xander asked sharply. "I need to get someone posted..."
"Not in the ICU," Jhondie interrupted. She stood, looking him right in the eye. "He's going to be spending at least the next several days in the ICU and nobody is going to cause a disturbance in there. He is not the only critical patient in this hospital and none of you are going to endanger them, thinking that you are protecting Cole."
"He won't need a CIA guard," Janice said, looking up at Xander darkly. "I'm going to be with him and there's not much better in the agency than that."
"And the twins are coming," Alicia added. "They'll know if something's up long before any of us would."
"When can I see him?" Janice asked. She knew Jhondie was being honest with her and that he had made it through, blah blah. But she wasn't going to get rid of this feeling of sickening panic until she was able to touch him and just be there with him.
Jhondie sat back down, the threatening transgenic gone and the caring healer back. "He'll be in recovery for a little while longer and then he'll be taken to the ICU. Policy is a visitor every ten or fifteen minutes on the hour." She looked around at the others. "Normally it's only one visitor at a time, but I'm willing to allow two. That's Janice plus one more, period. Trust me, you do not want to cause any of my staff a moment's worth of grief, is that understood?"
Nothing else really needed to be said. She was X-5. They were X-6. If she felt like it, she could wipe the floor with them.
"Jhondie," Janice said, getting her attention back. "Thank you." Her words carried far more meaning than just thanking her for patching up Cole. Janice knew how much this had and would cost for Jhondie, yet she had done it all anyways.
Jhondie smiled. "Don't thank me just yet. We've still got a lot of recovery ahead. There was a spinal injury, but Shawna said that it would heal in time. I'll know more by tomorrow on where it stands."
"Where's Shawna at?" Xander asked. She should be with Cole, watching over him, but Jhondie didn't seem like she was in the mood to tolerate any more changes to the normal routine. He was going to get hurt when she heard about the cleaner team.
"She went up to the roof," Jhondie replied. She stood. "I think she needed a few minutes to herself." She looked down at Janice. "I'm going to get cleaned up and then I will be back to escort you to the ICU."
With that, she went back through the door leading to the surgical unit. Justin waited for a minute, and then went to follow her. "Where are you going?" Xander snapped. If he couldn't go through those hallowed doors and check on his brother, then Justin wasn't either.
"Drop it Xander," Alicia ordered sharply. "He's got someone to take care of and right now, so do you." Justin shot her a grin of appreciation and then proceeded after Jhondie. Xander thought about arguing more, but then realized it wouldn't do any good and she was right on his end. He left Janice with Alicia and headed up to the roof.
There were a couple of people smoking up there in the late-autumn sunset light, but Shawna was alone in a corner, sitting cross-legged on the ledge. She was sitting absolutely still and it wasn't until Xander came closer that he saw the silent tears running down her face. Xander sat down, facing her side and then hugged her tightly.
Shawna sniffed, pressing herself tightly against his chest. "He died," she cried softly. "Oh God, it was going along just fine and then he was gone."
Xander jumped, not sure if he was going to be sick or scream or something. "But Jhondie said..." he choked out. "She said he made it!"
"It was horrible," Shawna sobbed. "They lost him and then they got him back and it was just, okay, not a big deal, we'll do it again if we need to. And I was standing there against the wall and I could think is why do they want me there. I'm not a real doctor, much less a surgeon. And they kept asking me things and I had to make all these decisions and now...what if he dies? What if I was wrong about something and it kills him?"
Now she was crying heavily. Xander couldn't speak for a long minute, mostly due to his heart trying to restart after hearing her blurt out that Cole was dead. Okay. She was just stressed. She had never been in a command position and got stuck in one today. Then it got really bad. He could work with that. But for now he let her get it out, stroking her hair before tilting her face up to him and kissing her gently.
"He made it," Xander consoled. This was awkward. Shawna could shrug off anything. Seeing her this upset was hard to deal with. He continued, "When I first got here, I didn't think Cole was going to make it another five minutes. But he's through surgery and he'll live. So whatever you said or did in there, it had to have helped."
"You weren't in there," she said hollowly. "Jhondie yelled at me to come over and I didn't think I could even move much less help. But then all of a sudden I had my hands on his heart and I was pumping it for Cole. He's always been so strong and sure but there he was and his life was literally between my hands. They...we saved his life and nobody thought it was anything extraordinary."
Her tears were diminishing as she looked over the New York City skyline. "We spent so much time being trained to kill. Even as a medic on the outside, I was with a group of people that were of the same mindset. I spent so long taking lives and then I'm being asked to give life. I don't know how to do that. How is he going to live if I don't know the first thing about giving life?
Xander grabbed her shoulders and roughly made her face him. "Don't you ever say that," he growled. "You know how to make someone want to live. That counts."
She couldn't keep his intense gaze. "Now I know how you felt," she said softly. "Xan, I am so sorry."
Xander hugged her against him again. "It gave me you," he replied. "It's okay. It really is." Actually, not. It wasn't okay after all these years and it never would be okay. But she didn't need to hear that now. After Manticore had collapsed and they all went their separate ways, Shawna had known that she was the key to starting it all up again. She was where the X-7's were going to come from. Things were said, little whispers and Shawna finally made the decision whether or not she was going to be the one in control of her life and body.
Officially, she had been shot during an attempt at a mugging. In truth, she had simply applied her knowledge of anatomy and trajectories and shot herself in the lower abdomen. Xander found out about her plan minutes to late to stop her. He had even heard the gunshot as he raced to keep her from hurting herself and then had to be the one to take her to the hospital on base. The doctors had to do some serious surgery in order to save her life, including removing her uterus because the damaged organ was the source of the worst bleeding.
Xander had been furious with her for doing something so stupid. They had been such close friends, for her to just do something like this killed him. She held to the story of a mugger, but he knew the truth. The others had thought it was odd for her to get nailed like that, but everyone was entitled to an off day. Xander had wanted to be mad at her forever, but eventually he came to see her reasoning on why she had done it. There was simply no other way and at the time, they were all still being watched to make sure they were really loyal.
Instead of being furious and refusing to have anything to do with her, Xander had taken care of Shawna while she healed. It was painful for her mentally as well as physically. Of all of the X-6, Shawna had mentioned liking the thought of having children. It hurt to know that was never going to happen now. During that time, she relied heavily on Xander. They had been close their whole lives, but they had never felt brotherly or sisterly towards each other. They had joked before that they were too good of friends to be siblings. Shawna had no problems referring to Cole or Lon as her brother but Xander was different. While she stayed with him that kind of different ended up becoming a totally new kind of different.
It had been a strange relationship by any standards. They had been together when they could and weren't when they couldn't be. Neither of them made any unreasonable demands on the other or tried to get them to be what they weren't. They had known each other way too long to try something like that. Over the last ten or fifteen years, since Shawna was in the DC area more or less permanently, they had stayed a constant. They had talked about moving in together a few times and even marriage once in a drunken moment. But in the end, they liked what they had and were determined to keep it.
"I know it all worked out," Shawna said, shaking Xander out of old memories. "But I wish I had found another way."
"So do I," Xander replied honestly. "But it's long since done and over with. Right now, you need to be thinking about how bad you're going to rag on Cole that you were the one that saved his life." He grinned. "And tell him that you carved your initials somewhere, but refuse to tell him where."
Shawna had to laugh at that. For all of the pranks that they had ever played on each other, that would be the ultimate. "I'm better now," she declared and then let out a small chuckle. "But you should have seen Jhondie. I swear, I am glad we never had to go up against her."
"I did," Xander said, rubbing his jaw in painful memory.
"I mean seriously," she said, ignoring the dark look he flashed her. His assignment had been quite serious to him. She ignored it and continued, "She was totally cool under fire. Could have been sipping tea with one hand and resuscitating him with the other at the same time."
"I can see that," Xander replied. "Come on. They're going to move Cole over to the ICU soon."
She glanced down. "I need to get cleaned up and then I'll meet you there," she decided after looking at her dirty surgical scrubs. Xander helped her up and then they headed back downstairs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Justin hesitated at the door of the women's changing room. He knew Jhondie would be in there, but was she alone? Luckily one of the surgical assistants came out and he asked her if anyone else was in there. It was after the point of scheduled surgeries, so it should be quiet by now. The assistant told him that Dr. Carter was in there but that was it before continuing on her way. Justin debated for another second and then walked in.
Jhondie was sitting on a bench with her legs tucked against her chest, chin resting on her knees, staring at her hands. Justin cursed mentally. That was a very bad sign. It had been a few years since he had seen her do that flipping her hands over and over, first staring at her palms then fingers and then the backs of her hands and then over again. When she first started practicing surgery, she would get like this every few months or so. As time went on, it happened less and less.
The first time had been after she did an ambulance rotation. All interns and residents were being required to spend time out with paramedics. It was good for them to see patients from start to finish if they were dealing in emergency medicine. Jhondie was lumped in with them since she was training to be a trauma surgeon. She had been on a run where a bad car accident had occurred and a young woman was trapped inside the vehicle. Jhondie had gotten inside of the car and did the usual with checking vitals and setting up an IV. The young woman, Amanda, was eight months pregnant and Jhondie was talking to her about pregnancy and they compared notes as Jhondie tried to keep her from moving. The last thing in the world was for Amanda to move. An extremely heavy piece of glass that had been on the truck that Amanda hit had gone through the windshield and now pressed a sharp edge next to her throat.
The rescue was going well. The workers had to be very careful so as not to jar the vehicle any more that absolutely required but despite the slow progress it was going along well and Jhondie didn't see any reason why Amanda or her baby wouldn't make it. She had comforted Amanda with that and Amanda said she didn't care just whatever happened, make sure her baby lived. She had spent almost eight years trying to conceive and for her to lose her baby at this point would kill her and her husband.
It should have been fine. Everything should have worked. But they were in California. A tremor started under their feet and suddenly Jhondie was thrown back, the mangled car and truck sliding away from her. Jhondie blinked several times, getting the dust out of her eyes when she registered something soft touching her hand. She looked down and saw hair on her hand. Amanda's severed head was resting next to her hand.
When Justin had come home that night, he had found her on the balcony sitting just as she was right now. She had started to tell him about the accident and Justin assumed it was losing a patient that had upset her so much. She *hated* losing patients. That seemed like the most likely suspect as to why she was so much more upset, losing the patient after talking to her and knowing she would live as Jhondie told him how she just sat there in the dust, stunned at what had just happened and how unfair it was. Then she turned those haunted eyes up to him.
"But then I realized that I wasn't sitting on the ground," she had sniffed. "I was back in the car with a scalpel and...and," a sob broke into her words. "I wasn't thinking at all. I just moved. She had asked me to save her baby and no matter how horrified my mind was, I had already started cutting. A couple of minutes later I was pulling that baby from her body and got it to breathing and they rushed it to the hospital." Jhondie began staring at her hands again.
"It was like my hands knew what to do even if I didn't. I've only seen two c-sections done before. Dr. Mayer looked at the body later and said that if Amanda hadn't been dead already when I started the procedure, she might have lived. Damn fine emergency job were his exact words. And I wasn't even thinking about what I was doing, not like when I'm in an operating room. I just did it."
It wasn't losing a patient that had Jhondie so stunned. As much as she didn't like death, she had come to accept that it was a part of a doctor's life and was already building up a callous to it. What had stunned her was that she was beginning to really understand the power she was gaining. Being able to cut into a human body and repair the damage had been both frightening and exhilarating to Jhondie. At times she just didn't know how to cope with it.
Justin had learned that she didn't always need to be talked to when she got like this. She needed to be held and talk herself out. Sometimes after the emotional comfort of talking and getting it out, she would want physical comfort as well. Taylor had actually resulted from one of those times. They hadn't planned on starting another child within a year of Hunter being born, but Jhondie had just been through the wringer with another difficult surgery and neither of them really thought about timing. But Taylor was such a bonus baby that neither of them were unhappy, though they had made sure after that there wouldn't be a fourth child.
Still, it had been a long time since Justin had seen Jhondie like this. She was very confident in herself as a surgeon and it had been a long time since she had amazed herself. Justin sat down behind her and hugged her tightly. Jhondie turned her head against his chest, not at all surprised that he was there.
"That bad?" he asked gently.
"Oh my God, Justin," she half-sobbed. "I have no idea why he's alive. I really don't. I've sent to the morgue people that were less shredded than he was. Almost lost him once on the table and I still can't say how we got him back." She turned her whole body sideways so that she was pressed as tightly as possible against her husband.
"Different when you know him?"
"No...yes...in a way, but not really," Jhondie stammered out. "I wanted him to live more because I know him, but he was still a damaged body that I was going to repair too." She shivered. "But that was one body that was way beyond my skills. When I first saw him, I didn't think he would make it into surgery, much less through. If Shawna hadn't been there to advise, I don't think he would have made it at all."
There was a long moment of silence. "Rich was in there with me and he totally blindsided me," she finally said in a tiny voice. "I knew it was going to come out, I just wasn't expecting it to in the middle of surgery."
Justin let out a rather creative curse. "If he tries anything with the board, then I swear this hospital is going to be the laughingstock of the medical community once I get through with them," he swore angrily. It was rare that he would use the influence of "The Truth" for his own personal ends, but when it came to his wife and children, all gloves came off.
"I don't think Rich is going to be a problem," Jhondie said before Justin could continue his rant. "He respects me too much as a surgeon. But if the rest of the staff can't work with me anymore, then I can't make them and I wouldn't expect the board to keep me as chief of a staff that hates me. As much as I hate to say it, I can see why they would have problems with me now."
"You think things would be different somewhere else?" Justin asked. Maybe a new hospital would see her differently.
"Maybe."
"Maybe in California?" Justin asked softly. He knew that Jhondie hadn't really wanted to leave Los Angeles for New York. But Justin and Logan both knew that for "The Truth" to really grow, they needed a New York office to augment the Seattle one. Jhondie knew that Justin was the one that needed to head up the new office and was willing to move to New York so that he could. But the office was running well and there were plenty of senior managers that would be excellent to head it up, so if it was time to move back to LA for Jhondie, then so be it.
"LA is the only place where a genetically engineered surgeon would be trendy," Jhondie replied, smiling up at Justin. She loved him all the more for the simple way that he would accept her needs and be willing to make sacrifices for her sake. She sighed. "But I do like it here now too and I don't want to get driven out of my hospital. I just don't know right now what's going to happen."
Justin squeezed her. "I do. You're going to clean up and then let Janice see her husband before she starts climbing the walls. And then we all get to wait until Lon returns and can tell us what the hell happened."
Jhondie leaned up and kissed him. "I love you so much."
"Love you too, carina," Justin returned. "Now let me get out of here before someone starts screaming that there's some pervert in the women's room." Jhondie laughed and they both rose. The future was still unclear but at least they had each other and that was the only constant they needed.