Author's Notes: Could easily be subtitled 'My Spuffy Therapy'. It's my attempt to come to terms with my deep hatred of all things Spuffy and keep it in line with canon and my love of Spangel and support of Bangel. It's somewhat dirty, inappropriate, and possibly OCC, but, hey, it's fanfic.
Completion
(A Buffy Fic)
She thinks of Angel when Spike fucks her. She tries not to, but she can't help it. Buffy doesn't like it when that happens. The shame is always worse when she sees his face.
She can't stop seeing him. He's everywhere; watching from the shadows.
Angel doesn't like to be reminded of what they shared. All that love - completeness, that's what is was. Angel completed her. He was the only one who had ever - she loved him. She still loves him.
But why should she care about Angel? He'd left her for L.A.
He's probably drowning himself in some whore like she's drowning herself in Spike's cock.
Buffy doesn't know why she does it. Fucking an evil vampire is wrong. She gets that, but she can't stop.
She's dead inside. She's cold and Spike's the only thing that can warm her up. No, that's not right. Angel can warm her, but he's not here so he doesn't count.
Spike makes her feel alive. She knows it's wrong, but the only thing that makes her feel alive is Spike's cold cock fucking her so hard she bleeds.
She thinks of Angel when Spike fucks her. He feels like Angel. He's cold, he's a vampire. The similarities end there. Sometimes she has to fight not to scream Angel's name when she comes.
She doesn't know why that is. Spike never fucks her like Angel did. His thrusts are hard and brutal and he whispers obscenities where Angel only whispered words of love. Angel was all about gentleness and intimate touches, Spike's not. He would be if she asks for it, but Buffy doesn't want it like that anymore. She's learned to like it rough.
Spike thinks of Buffy when he fucks her. Usually. Sometimes he thinks of Angel. Buffy knows this. She's never asked, but she knows he does. She's seen him choke back the letter "A" as often as the letter "S."
Spike's not gay, but it's still Angel's name on his lips when he comes. That's what it all comes back to, doesn't it? Angel.
Buffy knows that fucking Spike is the closest she'll ever get to fucking Angel. Drusilla made Spike and Angelus made Drusilla. It's the same blood, the same person, the same cold cock thrusting into her. Spike is Angel. If she keeps telling herself that than maybe she'll understand why she's still here. Maybe she'll understand why Angel didn't let her stake Spike all those years ago in Sunnydale.
Maybe that's why Spike fucks her. He wants to know why Angel loved her. He wants to see the light that Angel saw, but how can Spike see that light when Buffy doesn't even see it anymore?
It's all about Angel. Spike will never admit it, but fucking her is the closest he'll ever be to his Sire.
Buffy knows it's insane, but fucking Spike is the closest she'll ever get to Angel.
They should stop this. She should stop this.
But she can't. Because she's addicted to feeling and vampire cock.
She hates herself, but she can't stop fucking Spike.
And she can't stop seeing Angel when Spike fucks her.
It's killing her, but she can't stop.
Because fucking Spike is the next best thing to fucking Angel.
And it's the closest either of them will ever be to him.