Disclaimer still stands. Oh and the song isn't mine either, it's by Linkin Park, "Numb"
A/N: Everyone liking it so far? I hope so. Thanks for all the reviews guys, it makes me feel special and gives me motivation, plus I have extra time on my hands so why not update? Here we go.
Summer pulled her car into the parking position and quickly got out. "Come on Coop, we're almost late."
"Since when have you cared about being on time?"
"No, I mean we're almost late meeting the boys and I think Chino needs to talk to you."
"Oh… ok." Marissa started wondering what it could be about. 'Wouldn't he have just called me if he needed to talk to me?' she thought. They two girls walked up the front steps of their huge school and saw the boys waiting for them. Summer motioned Seth over to the side.
"Let's leave them alone k?"
"Yea, Ryan sounded pretty serious this morning, seems like he has a lot on his mind." Summer and Seth left Ryan and Marissa to talk.
As Marissa was leaning in to kiss Ryan, he stopped her. "We need to talk." Marissa stopped and had fear in her eyes. 'Wow, this must be serious; I just got the four words no one wants to hear.'
"Is anything wrong?" Ryan drew his voice to a whisper.
"Do you not remember last night?"
"Oh that…" he cut her off.
"What do you mean oh that? You broke down into uncontrollable sobs. Then I try calling you last—"
"You called me?"
"Yea I did, about 50 times on your cell and no one answered. I didn't dare call your house though; I'm guessing your mom didn't know you got in that late. "
"No… the house was empty…" she looked down at her feet. He knew she was lying about something and she couldn't bear to look at him.
"And I'm also guessing you didn't answer because something prevented you from it. Marissa, look at me."
"I can't."
"Why not? Look at me, please." She lifted her head slightly. With his voice still in a hush whisper he asked, "What the hell is going on?"
"I can't tell you ok? It's not time."
"Yes it is, and you know why, because you're scaring the hell out of me and I need to know."
"But… if you know… you'd leave. And I can't bear to lose you." her eyes started to water. "I… I love you Ryan."
"I love you too, and I won't leave, if anything I'll help, you need to talk to me." He stared at her face looking for some truth in it but her head was still bowed and she stared at her Gucci heels.
Tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes…
Caught in the undertone…
Just caught in the undertone
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertone
Just caught in the undertone
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired
So much more aware
By becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart, right in front of you
Caught in the undertone
Just caught in the undertone
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertone
Just caught in the undertone
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired
So much more aware
By becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
And I know
I may end up failing too
And I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you…
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired
So much more aware
By becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Tired of being what you want me to be
(I thought the song would be appropriate to explain how Marissa feels and how she is sick of being "Miss Perfect" and wanting to be herself and not wanting to be how everyone is expecting her to be, for example: her mom.)
She stayed that way for a while and when she finally looked up she looked the saddest she had ever been. Everyone around them had gone to classes and they were the only ones standing outside. The rest of the school had gone to class and were completely oblivious to what was going on around them. She stared at his beautiful face and his hair which she loved. Then she looked into his deep blue eyes. While still keeping eye contact she lifted up the sleeve of her jacket a bit and revealed scars. She traced them with her finger just to let him know they really existed. And the whole time she was doing this he never changed his loving face, didn't look scared, and didn't look angry. She looked up at him again trying to figure out his thoughts but he stayed silent. After a few minutes Marissa started to get scared.
"Ryan, Ryan, say something…please."
"I, I don't know what to say… I mean… I didn't know things were bad with you. I didn't know you were this lost. If things with Lindsay made you this mad, I mean you could have said something…"
"No, no it's not that. Well part of it…" she broke off.
"What…what made you start?"
"A little while after you left last summer… well I was torn. I couldn't face the fact that you left. I missed you so much. And after, well after I resorted to alcohol again and eventually this. Then I met DJ and he comforted me some but he still wasn't you. Then after you wouldn't take me back it started to get a bit worse… and at Christmukkah when we got back together well… I started to get a bit better… but then Lindsay kinda got in the way and that's part of the reason I was," she paused and searched for the right words, then feeling satisfied she continued," a bit more bold than usual… I wouldn't let her take you and that's why I snapped at her more violently than I normally would have."
"And last night?"
"Well I guess all my emotions of the summer and fall finally surfaced and I couldn't keep it all in anymore. I had to cry. I didn't mean it to happen then, just when Summer mentioned school, well I cracked. This place… I just can't be myself. I have to act like Miss Perfect." She motioned to her scars, "and well as you can tell, I'm not."
"I've never expected you to be."
"I know. If anything you're the one that kept me from doing it all this time." She smiled. "You've always been my rock Ryan and I guess spending the summer without you was more torture than I thought."
"Oh my God, I caused this…"
"No, no you didn't. Don't think that."
"But… but if I never had left…" Ryan hated himself for causing her so much pain.
"You had to… you had no choice. I was the weak one, don't blame yourself."
"But…"
"No buts ok? It's not your fault. I was weak, but that's all more the reason I need you now. I need you to help me be strong again."
"I'll do whatever I can."
"I know. So it doesn't freak you out?"
"It freaks me out that you're hurt and that you feel you need to cope like this but no, it doesn't." Marissa looked around, realizing for the first time that they were all alone.
"Guess we should get inside huh?"
"Yea we better." Ryan took her hand as a reassurance that everything would be ok and they walked into school.
Wow, brutal stuff happening eh? Well that's chapter 17. I really didn't know that I was going to take this spin on the story, as I've mentioned before I basically write what pops into my head at the time and this is what I thought of. I wanted Ryan to be there for her when she's going through some confusion and this sorta seemed to fit. I dunno, how do you all like it? Good, bad? O and do you like the songs that I'm incorporating into it? Please, Please review and tell me what you think about the situation and songs, and give a detailed review, like why you liked it or didn't, really need the input on weather to continue like this. K, so, please review and be kind. Till next chapter.