Disclaimer: Nope, Cyborg 009's not mine, and I'm not making any money off of this humble and badly-written fanfiction. It is the intellectual property of the great Shotaro Ishinomori and I think lots of other people can claim copyright to it, but not me.
Author's Note: This came into mind a few months after I actually saw the episode where Jet gets left behind with Ivan (I think the episode in question was called Old Friends or something like that). I carried the plot bunny in my head since I first saw the ep, but had been too lazy to do anything about it until very recently. Forgive the details I may have gotten wrong here; it's been a few months since the Aussie Cartoon Network cancelled Cyborg 009 in favour of that tripe Ed, Edd and Eddy. Oh, and for those who saw my devART journal, personal reasons prevent me from completing the Rosa and 007-centric fic Hi, Dad.
Oh, and thoughts go like #this#. I would've used square brackets but they don't seem to come up... Same goes with italics, so I'm putting those in CAPITALS.
Big Baby
By Fanficworm
Of all the luck.
Of all the LUCK.
Of all the... the... the... dammit, he couldn't even find a decent word for it!
Jet barely managed to resist the urge to murder an innocent vase for the sake of an anger vent and instead slumped onto the sofa behind him. Wasn't that he was scared of breaking a pretty thing. No, not exactly. No, it was because it was Francoise's pretty thing, and though she was just a girl and he hated seeing her upset, she would sometimes, just sometimes, make him very, very afraid when he would break/ruin/mess up/destroy one of her pretty things. Especially when he would break/ruin/mess up/destroy one of her pretty things. He had learned his lesson after that time he accidentally put his crimson cyborg uniform in the washing machine with her white clothes, thankyouverymuch, and he did not want to see a repeat of that incident.
He frowned. If only she were here now instead of off somewhere with 009. SHE wouldn't mind staying there while he went out. SHE wouldn't mind having to play 001's nanny; after all that's what she did ever since they escaped Black Ghost. Why did SHE have to be out meeting 009's old friends? Why did SHE and all the others have to go out to possibly dangerous situations and get a really good chance to go fight something? And what exactly did he, the useful, battle-hardened (and not to mention extremely handsome) Jet Link do to deserve--he looked across him at the bassinet where 001 lay--baby duty? This was not fair. THIS WAS NOT FAIR!
Oh, great. He was getting jealous of a girl! This wasn't a good sign of how his life was going at the moment. Not a good sign at all. He growled. Of all the luck.
#Oh, please.#
Jet pricked up from his mental rant and glared down at the telepathic infant, who Jet sensed was glaring back but whose expression was masked by his ridiculously long bangs and huge pacifier. "What did you just say?"
#I said, "Oh, please", Zero-zero Two.#
"Yeah, but why?" he drawled, staring him down, his eagle-like eyes flashing fire. "Did you read my mind?"
001 appeared to have done no facial movement, but Jet could feel him rolling his eyes. #Sometimes when I'm near people I can hear some of their thoughts without meaning to, but I don't think that wouldn't have mattered here.# He "humph"ed. #A telepath in New Zealand could've picked that up. I'm surprised you haven't deafened my psychic hearing with your whining. Don't you have better things to think about?#
Jet crossed his arms. "I'll think what I want. It's my mind." Really, the nerve!
001 gave the mental equivalent of a sigh. #I'd agree under other circumstances, but would you please keep it down? I can't hear myself think.#
Jet raised a hand in a sort of surrender, not wanting any conflict. "Fine, I will. Sorry, Zero-zero One. I'll think of something else," he said, and suddenly an idea struck him, lighting up his mind's infinite grey with a burst of colour. Maybe now was a good time to get himself out of this tear-inducing boredom. He searched his mind for any telepathic sneaking, glanced at the infant lying in the bassinet, and smiled. 001 seemed to have absolutely no idea what he was planning on doing. A grin opened up like a slash wound across the American's face.
#No harm done. Thank you, Jet.#
"Don't mention it." Jet tried very hard to flatten the widening grin crawling across his lips. So, he was supposed to keep it down, eh? Oh no, that wouldn't be any fun at all. He looked up and thought as loud and as off-key as he could the first thing that came to his head. #MARY HAD A LITTLE LAAAAMB! LITTLE LAAAAMB! LITTLE LAAAAMB! MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB WHOSE FLEECE WAS WHITE AS...#
#Zero-zero Two...#
#...AND MARY WENT TO SCHOOL ONE DAY! SCHOOL ONE...#
#Zero-zero Two!#
#...SCHOOL ONE DAAAAY! MARY WENT TO SCHOOL ONE-!#
#ZERO-ZERO TWO!#
Jet immediately ceased his mental screeching and looked back down at 001 with a look of staged innocence, ignorance and annoyance so perfectly executed that he was positive even 007 would've envied his acting skills at that moment. "What is it this time?"
001's "voice" came out as if he were saying it through gritted teeth... well, if he had teeth, anyway. #You're doing it again.#
"Doing what?" Jet made absolutely sure his voice positively oozed concern, diffidence and a gentle hint of irritation and cynicism. "Thinking too loud?" #OLD MCDONALD HAD A FARM!#
Again came 001's mental sigh. #For lack of a better term, yes. You were thinking too loud. And now I'm getting the mother of all headaches because of it.#
#E-I-E-I-OOOOO!# And again came Jet's Oscar-worthy innocent face. "Oh, sorry again, Zero-zero One." #AND ON THIS FARM HE HAD SOME COWS!# "I'll keep it down from now on, I promise." #E-I-E-I-OOOOO!# And with that he spread himself out across the sofa and observed the ceiling. #WITH A MOO, MOO HERE AND A MOO, MOO THERE!# Ooh. Had that crack always been there?
001 was silent for a moment, before he ventured, #Zero-zero Two...#
#HERE A MOO, THERE A MOO!# Jet looked over at the infant. "Yeah?" #EVERYWHERE A MOO, MOO!#
#You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?#
#OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM!# "Misery loves company, little buddy," he smirked, stretching his legs. "And right now I'm miserable and you're my company, whether we like it or not." #E-I-E-I-OOOOO!#
#Honestly, sometimes you can be such a big baby.#
Jet guffawed. "It seems you're a bit confused, my friend." He lazily gestured a hand to 001. "YOU are the baby here, not me. That's why I'm stuck here playing nurse while the others get to go out and make the world a better place."
#No, believe it or not, you're actually here to help me make sure nothing bad happens to Professor Gilmore while the others are away. That plus we're not really needed out there right now anyway.# 001 paused, presumably for some sort of dramatic effect. His tone grew more serious. #And in case you haven't noticed, Zero-zero Two, you're not the only cyborg stuck here. I'm stuck here, too. And I've been stuck on the sidelines a lot more than you ever have. You try literally being the baby of the group for almost half a century and see how much action you get.#
Jet turned to look back at the ceiling, his thoughts of annoying the infant for pleasure now leaving him for what had really been bugging him since the others left. Much as he hated to admit it, the kid had a point. Jet's face grew serious as he looked up but didn't truly see. "Sucks, doesn't it? Not actually fighting with them."
001 reflected for a second. #Worse than you know.#
Jet sighed. "Hey, Ze--err, Ivan."
#Yes, Jet?#
"Sorry about bugging you earlier."
#Don't worry about it, Jet.# There was a smile in his psychic voice that caused Jet to smile as well.
The two cyborgs lay there opposite each other, the wiser and more mature one in a baby's bassinet and the more foolish and less wise one spread out on a couch, both in their own sort of silent reverie and together sharing in a comfortable, amiable silence. But it had only lasted a few minutes, for a short while later, Jet's eyes practically bulged out of their sockets and no amount of colourful swearing or covering his cursedly large nose could change his expression. Where was that hellish smell coming from? "PEEEE-YOU! What died in here?"
001's sheepish disembodied "voice" suddenly entered Jet's mind, suddenly solving the mystery as to where the stink was coming from: 001's diaper. #Uhh... Jet? A little help here, please?#
Jet desperately wished for a clothespin to conveniently appear next to the bassinet, but alas, there was none to be found. He once again glared at the telepathic infant, feeling a bit of disbelief that he actually started to bond with the little guy a while ago. "Ivan, how the hell do you turn baby formula into THAT?" he said, his voice nasal because of his now blocked nose.
The blue-haired infant shrugged. #I don't know, but I suspect Black Ghost had something to do with it.#
"BULL!" He retorted, accidentally bringing his hand away from his nose. Smelling the full brunt of the stench, he hastily recovered his nose. "Shouldn't we call Profess--?"
#He's busy.#
"But don't you know--?"
#No, I don't. Now do you want me to tell Francoise on you or not?#
Seeing no way out of this, Jet reluctantly complied, having some vague idea on how to do this. He frowned. Of all the luck. He was left behind on baby duty while the others went out to fight the bad guys, envying a girl of all people, allowing a telepathic infant to call him a big baby, and now he was reduced from being a cyborg soldier with really cool super powers to changing said telepathic infant's radioactive diaper. But, in much the same way as it happened before, a divine hand seemed to silently and invisibly descend from the heavens to touch him with… with… something. Something Ivan said earlier popped into his mind. And despite his extreme discomfort and the high awkwardness percentage of the situation, the slash wound of a grin once again opened up on his face.
He looked down on Ivan, his eagle eyes dancing with mirth. "Who's the big baby NOW?"
Ivan batted a chubby arm at him, his exasperation with the American now completely transparent.
#Shut up, Jet.#