A/N: Hello. This story was posted up in Script Format once before, but since they made this rule or whatever, I'm re-writing it.
I DO NOT HAVE SPELL CHECK!
ALSO, I AM NOT GOOD AT WRITING HUMOR LIKE THIS! You've been warned, this might sound like some person who...I dunno, doesn't mean it or whatever...like I'm just doing this for no reason, or to bore you. But I really love .hack and only want you to enjoy! If it's really that bad, I'll remove it. Oh yeah, this is sorta AU, since they are living in a house together, in the real world. But they are still our lovable cast!
.hackBOREDOM
FLAMER
Tsukasa was standing infront of those swirly hypnotist thingy and talking in a very serious tone. "Hello and welcome to the wonderful world of bunnies. What you are about to see may shock and may even make you scream, "OH MY GOD!". But who knows. Today on the wonderful world of Bambi, we will be showing you a day of boredem. Be afraid. Be very afraid. You have now entered...The Wonderful World of Ballet..." Scary Twilight Zone music started to play as Tsukasa sang along. "Dododododod- OW!!!"
"What are you doing?" Mimiru asked, poking him with her sword.
"DO NOT INTERRUPT THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF BLUE BIRDS!" Tsukasa screamed, slapping the sword away, only to cut his hand. "Ow...Damn you, he who made pointy things!"
"So...Why can't I interrupt your 'magical world'?" She asked, poking him again.
"Because..."
"Because why?"
"Because their power. It's slipping away. And they are crying...CAN YOU NOT HEAR THEIR TEARS OF SORROW!!" Tsukasa fell to his knees and started to bang the floor. "OH WHAT CRUEL FATE HAS BROUGHT THIS UPON YOU, WONDERFUL WORLD OF BOBA!"
"Who's Boba?" Mimiru asked, now poking his head.
"Stop poking me. I comand you. WE MUST SAVE THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF BABIES!"
BT just then appeared in a magical cloud of sparkles. "I, Gaia, the spirit of Earth, give five magic ring to five special young people!" She said, throwing five 99 cent rings into the air. "We must go, Tsukasa! Go to save the babies!"
"WE MUST GO!" Tsukasa yelled at Crim and Bear, who were sitting on the couch watching TV.
"No..." Both replied.
"But...the baboons..." Tsukasa said on the verge of crying.
"I, Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, says we must the Baboons." BT demanded.
"Don't play along with him!" Bear replied. "You remember the last time we played his game?"
---Flashback---
"BLOW UP THE CAT!" Tsukasa yelled, pointing his staff at a little grey cat.
"WHY SHOULD I BLOW UP MR. FLUFFERS!?!" Crim cried.
"Because I can revive him, silly-willy gumdrop head!"
"Oh...Really? In that case...!" Crim pushed a trigger...
---End Flashback---
"I hope Mr. Fluffers is in a better place..." Crim sighed.
"AAAH!!" Bear yelled jumping off the couch.
"What?! WHAT?!"
"My Subaru sense are tingleing...!!!"
Subaru just then burst through the door. "HELLO EVERYONE!!!"
"NOOO!!! WHY HAVE YOU RETURNED!!!" Crim said, grabbing his spear. "BEGON, YOU SPAWN OF THE DEVIL!!!"
'They're on to me!' Subaru thought to herself. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" She jumped onto the couch and started singing Fake Wings. "Shine...bright morning light..."
"Damn, we'll never get her now..." Bear moaned.
"Can we go save the Bass now?" Asked Tsukasa.
"NOOOO!!!"
"Awwwwww, but why?" He begged, putting on a "Pul-WEEZ" type face.
"I, Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, says, yes, It is time to save the Bass." BT/Gaia said, making both her and Tsukasa disappear within a poof of magic sparkels. Just then, the fireplace came to life and gave a demonic laugh.
Bear's mouth dropped to the floor. "Dude, the fireplace is talking to us. We've gotta make... CONTACT!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a mini Ouija Board.
"Do we have to?" Asked Crim.
"Yes! See, he is getting angry!" Bear pointed to the Fireplace, who was still laughing.
"Quick!" Subaru said in tune with Fake Wings. "Poke him with a stick!"
So Crim picked up his spear and jabbed the Fireplace, causing it to pop. Bear stared in horror as the flames died out. "No! YOU KILLED HIM!" Bear cried, falling to the ground. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"
Sora decided to jump into the room at that very moment. "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Sora greeted, sounding like a pirate. He looked around. "What are you all doing?"
"We're bored..." Crim replied, sighing.
"We...all are bored..." Sang Subaru.
"Is BT here? It's time for her daily killing." Everyone shook their heads no. "Okay, I'll be on my way then." Said Sora before he bounced out of the room.
"Can I ask a Question?" Ginkan, who has been hiding in the corner this entire time, asked.
"You just did..." Replied Mimiru.
"Can I ask another Question?"
"You didn't give us much choice there, bub."
Ginkan thought about how he could confuse the Heavyblade. "I got it!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a doggie treat. "Here Mimiru! Here Girl! Fetch the Doggie Treat!" Mimiru jumped with glee and followed the direction in which the doggie biscut was tossed. "Now, why is it that in American, they call me 'Silver Knight'? Aren't they all...Silver?"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" Screamed Subaru, jumping off the couch and running up to Ginkan. "You dare doubt me?! I say sir, this means war!" She took off her glove which appeared on her hand from nowhere and slapped Ginkan across the face before calming herself down. "No, they are not all Silver. They are Gray! Get it? G-R-A-Y! No, not that stupid G-R-E-Y version of Gray."
"I think they should be Crismon!" Crim spoke up. "Or Scarlet! Just a nice shade of red, y'know?"
"They should be Blue. Ginkan, be a dear and fetch the Crismon/Scarlet Knights for me?" Subaru asked, patting Ginkan on the cheek. He nodded and left as Mimiru just entered the room.
"I'm still hungry..." Mimiru moaned, walking up to Bear. "Get me something to eat."
"Why?" Asked Bear.
"Because if you don't..." Mimiru's eyes began to fill up with tears. "I'll cry..."
"Eat Later. It's time to make CONTACT!" Bear yelled, holding up his Oujia board.
Subaru looked around the room. "Um, ooh, I wish I could, but I need to get the paint!" She lied, quickly dashing out of the room.
"NO! COME BACK! WE NEED FOUR PEOPLE!"
Crim and Mimiru looked at eachother, then back at Bear. "Oh, look at the time." They both said in unison, but before they could finish, Bear had tied them down to the floor. "Hey! That's Cheap!"
"I know." Bear said with a smile. He snapped his fingers and Kite fell from the sky, face first onto the floor. "We have four people now!"
Kite lifted himself up and looked around. "Where am I? Who are you? Who am I?" But before any of his questions could be answered, he was holding hands with Crim and Mimiru, making a circle of the four of them.
Bear started off with a low hum, the suddenly stood up and began dancing around the board, clapping his hands. "Heya-oohie-ooohie-ooohie-ey-oohie! Ooohie-Hey-ooohie!!" He chanted, but to no avail, as the Oujia board is just a peice of cardboard.
"What's he doing?" Asked Kite to Mimiru, who just shrugged in reply.
The door bursted open and their stood BT and Tsukasa holding tons of batteries. "We have saved the Batteries!" Tsukasa announced.
"And It was all thanks to I, Gaia, the Spirit of the Earth." BT added.
"TSUKASA!" Kite yelled, standing up.
Tsukasa dropped his batteries. "KITE!" The ran to eachother and began jumping up and down and acting like little school girls.
"There goes are fourth memeber." Crim said, letting out a little chuckle.
"But...but...but....We need to make CONTACT!" Bear yelled, waving his Oujia board.
"We don't NEED too, we WANT too." Mimiru rolled her eyes. "When will adults learn..."
Bear looked confused. "But we all want too, right?"
"NO WE DON'T!" Kite, Crim and Mimiru screamed together.
"If we were to make contact..." BT said, putting her finger to her chin. "We'd have to... LET OUR POWERS COMBINE!"
"Earth!" Bear said.
"Fire!" Crim added.
"Wind!" Mimiru stated.
"Water!" Kite announced.
"Heart!" Tsukasa finished. (A/N: Yeah, fear the manying endings...)
"GO PLANET!" They all cheered at once as the lights began to form a shape in the sky. The Lights formed the body of...Elk!
"When you powers combine, I am Cap- AAAAH!!! WHERE IS MIA?!" Elk said, looking around the room for his kitty while the others sang,
"Captain Elky! He's our Hero! Gonna keep those Aro zones very...um...Near-o!"
"Speaking of Aromatic..." Elk reached into his pocket, took out some and began smoking it. "Aaaaaaaaaaah...even though this has Macha's memory in it, it's still the best grass around..." Just as the dothackers had finished their song, Ginkan walked in with the Crimson/Scarlet Knights.
"Goodie!" Subaru pointed at the Knights. "Grab a bush, it's painting time!" So everyone in the room picked up a blue paintbrush and began painting the Knights. Ginkan, however, was painted pink. After a few hours, all of the Knights were now a nice shade of baby-blue. "There!" Subaru said with a smile. "Now you all have color!"
"We HAD color before..." Moaned one Random Crimson/Scarlet Knight.
"BEGON!" Was Subaru's replied, lifting her hand and turning the Random Knight into ashes. "You all look so pretty now! Now leave! All of you! You can stay Ginkan/Silver Knight/Now Pink Knight." So the Crimson/Scarlet/Baby-Blue Knights headed out the door way, leaving a happy Subaru.
"Oh, wow..." Crim said from the back. "I got paint on my shirt."
The entire room gasped as Subaru, Mimiru and Ginkan ran to Crim, patting him on his back and hugging him. "It's okay, everything is gonna be just fine!" Each of them said.
"Guys, it's okay really. I just need help washing my shirt." Crim told the girls...and guy, trying to escape their death hugs.
"Shhhhhhhhhhh!" Kite said, quieting the entire room down. They turned to see that Kite had already made his home on the couch and was watching TV. "Health Insurance Comerical." He pointed towards the screen as everyone watch the comerical in awe...
"So, um, can you guys let go of me?"
"NO!" Subaru said, tighting her grip. "We must go shopping! Ginkan! Tie this man up!"
"Yes Ma'am!" Mimiru and Subaru let go of Crim as Ginkan tied the poor man up. "Done!"
"ROAD TRIP! ROAD TRIP!" Everyone in the house chanted as they dashed to the Mini-Van that they shared.
---Outside---
The dothackers were standing outside as one small problem came up. "Um...who can drive?" Asked Tsukasa.
"ME!" Elk yelled, raising his hand. "ME! ME! ME! ME! Meeeee...oooh...stop spinning..."
"I never learned..." Subaru answered.
"I'm too young..." Kite replied.
"I, Gaia, the Spirit of the Earth, do not drive, for it pollutes the world!" Added BT, The Gaia wanna-be.
"I can drive!" Bear said as everyone cheered. "But, when we get home, we make CONTACT!" This time he got everyone to boo. "Then it looks like we're not getting Crim's new shirit!"
"Ginkan!" Subaru snapped her fingers and Ginkan jumped ontop of Bear, tied him up and tossed him and Crim into the trunk of the van.
"Why don't we take the bus?" Suggested Mimiru.
"Let's not!" Replied everyone else.
"Ginkan, can't you drive?" Tsukasa asked, looking up at Ginkan who nodded.
"So be it! DRIVE US!" Subaru demanded.
"Yes Ma'am!" He replied, jumping into the Driver's seat.
"I, Gaia, the Spirit of the Earth, calls shotgun!"
---Shopping Mall---
The foolish cast were standing infront of one of those giant maps you see in malls with the little, 'YOU ARE HERE', thingy. "Woah..." Elk said, staring at the map. "We are here...this board...it knows all..." He fell to his knees and began to worship the map. "OH GREAT ALL KNOWING PLASTIC BOARD! SPEAK TO ME!"
Tsukasa was pacing back and forth. "Hm, okay, I got it!" He pointed at Subaru, Ginkan and Mimiru. "You three will go to the left of the store and search for the shirt! Your name is Team B. The rest of us will go...um...to the right...." He began clapping his hands. "GO, GO, GO!!!"
---Team A---
---Store: GAP---
Elk was spinning around, amazed. "Woah...look at all these bright colors...they are jumping at me...PROTECT ME MIA! AAAAAAAH!"
"Elk! Elk! ELK!" Kite yelled, slapping the Wavemaster. "Listen to me. You are standing near the bright colored stuff. Move away. Just move away."
"Oh...Look!" Elk pointed at nothing. "Turkey!" Elk pushed Kite to the ground and chased after the 'turkey'.
Inside a dressing room, BT and Tsukasa were looking at lovely dresses and shirts. "I, Gaia, the Spirit of the Earth, must ask. Does this dress make I, Gaia, Spirit of the Earth, look fat?" BT asked, holding up a orange dress.
"Not at all honey!" Tsukasa said, patting BT on the check. He picked up a purple dress and put it to his body. "This makes my ass look giant."
"I, Gaia, the Spirit of the Earth, says purple isn't your color."
"Oh that skirt there!" Tsukasa said, pointing towards a skirt the same color as BT's costume. "That is soooooooo you."
"Tsukasa, I'm bored..." Kite complained, entering the dressing room. "We still haven't found any red shirts!" While this was going on, Elk was still running back and forth, chasing his turkey, holding all of the red shirts.
"Well, I guess we should get going. But before we go," Tsukasa bent down and picked up a white shirt. "I am so gonna buy this."
"That will look good on you!" Said Kite.
"Really?"
"No..."
---Team B---
---Store: Porno Shop---
Subaru was looking at a Playboy Bunny suit. "Hmm, I think this looks cute."
"You don't look good in Black, Subaru-sama and/or Lady Subaru." Ginkan remarked.
Subaru gasped and slapped Ginkan so hard his helmet went flying off. "I look good in EVERYTHING! YOU HEAR THAT?! EVERYTHING!!!"
While this was going on, Mimiru was looking a Playgirl magazine. "This store is sick and twisted." She said, turning the page. "Why are we in here?"
"Red Shirt!" Ginkan reminded.
"Red Shirt!" Subaru turned to the man behind the counter. "Red Shirt?"
"Um, I have one left..." The man replied. "What size is this person?"
"Um...Bigger then you..."
"Okay." The man reached below the counter and pulled out a bright red shirt reading, 'FLAMER AND PROUD' "This is it."
"Hmm..." Subaru pondered the meaning of 'Flamer'. "Ginkan, what does Flamer mean?"
Ginkan was busying looking on at the Playgirl Mimiru had. "It...um...means he likes flames?"
"Ooooh! I see!" Subaru said in a valley girl type way. "We'll take it!"
---Team A---
---Store: KB Toys---
"Hey! Kim! Look!" Elk said, pointing towards a Furby. Kite walked over and moaned.
"Yes, Elk. It's a Fur-"
"It's the turkey..." Elk cut Kite off, his eyes widening. "It goes up...and down...and up...and down...and up...and down...."
BT was looking at the many glowing lights and listening to the robotic sounds. "I, Gaia, The Spirit of the Earth, must ask, Why are we in here?"
Tsukasa shrugged. "Dunno, really. We followed Elk in here." He turned towards the glass case behind the counter where all the games were kept. His eyes came across the .hack saga. "Oh my..." Grabbing his head, Tsukasa yelled, "Paradox! It burns! OW!!!!"
"GASP!"
"What is it Kite?" Tsukasa asked, letting go of his burning head.
"It's a bomb!" Kite pointed at the Furby, which Elk was holding in his hands.
"Tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurkey!" Said Elk just as the Furby explodes.
---Team B---
---Store: Maceys---
Subaru, Mimiru and Ginkan were marching around the store singing. "So you wanna be a masta?" Subaru sang.
"Pokemon!" Mimiru and Ginkan replied.
"Do you have the skills to be-"
"NUMBER ONE!"
"We all live," All of them sang at once. "In a Pokemon World, POK-E-MON!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The three of them fell to the floor by the shockwave. "Ouch..." Mimiru said, standing up. "What was that? Did something just go boom?"
"Whatever just went boom made me lose my place in the song!" Subaru complained, lifting her ax. "I shall murder it! MAWAHAAHAHA- Gasp..."
"What is it, Lady Subaru and/or Subaru-sama?" Asked Ginkan.
Subaru lifted her finger every so slowly and pointed towards a contest stand. It had a yacht as a prize. "It's a...boat...." She whispered, before running to it, jumping onto the front of the ship and begining to sing Fake Wings. "Shine...bright morning light..."
"I better call Tsukasa on my magic cell phone to make sure he's okay!" Ginkan said, putting his ear to his 'cell phone'. "Hello Tsukasa? Hi. Listen, I'm just calling to make sure you're alright!"
"Um...Ginkan..." Mimiru whispered into Ginkan's free ear.
"Not now Mimiru. Whats that? Oh you got a shirt? Cool! We did too!"
"But Ginkan!"
"Shut up! No, not you, Mimiru. She's-"
"STOP TALKING INTO MY BOOBS!" Mimiru screamed, slapping Ginkan clear across Maceys, only to have him bounce off the wall and land in a crumpled heap infront of her.
"Boobs?!" Yelled Sora, who hopped in from no where. "Boobs means girls. Girls mean member adresses! Member Adresses mean PKing! PKing means I can kill BT! YEY KILLING!"
Sora, Mimiru and A Bloodly Ginkan step out into the Mall as Team A walks up to them, all charred. "You guys are alive!" Mimiru smiled. "Damn it..." She whispered to Sora, who nodded in agreement.
"Yes..." Elk said, his eyes filling up with tears. "But the Turkey didn't..." He held up the Furby, which was now nothing but a peice of melted plastic.
"And we didn't get a shirt..." Kite added.
"That's okay!" The Bloodly Ginkan replied. "We got a shirt."
"Good!" Tsukasa cheered. "Let's head back to the car! We have to get away from KB Toys...that evil spawn of evil that evil has so very much kissed with it's evil lips and evil salvia as the evil germs surround the evil store of KB Toys turning it...evil..."
"Can I come?" Sora asked, standing over the dead corpse of BT.
Everyone thought about it for a second. "Hmmm...Nah..."
---Mini-Van---
"Hey Bear! Hey Crim!" Greeted Mimiru as they piled into the car.
"Mwyha!" Replied the gaged and bounded Crim and Bear.
Kite hung his head low. "I'm sorry to say, but my team was too busy with our own needs to bother about yours."
"MAY!" Crim cheered, flopping his body about.
"But not mine!" Subaru said, holding up the 'Flamer' shirt. "I think it will look soooo cute on you!" She laid the shirt next to Crim, ingoring his death glare.
Ginkan took the drivers seat. "Let's go home!"
"YEAH!" Everyone replied, buckling their seatbelts...All but one, that is...
Tsukasa magically appeared in front of the swirly hypnotist thingy, talking in the serious tone. "Yes, and thus ends The Wonderful World of Breakfast. As you see, Crim got his shirt, Subaru got her knights, Bear never made contact, Mimiru is still...Mimiru, BT is dead, Sora still has his obession will killing BT, Kite and I ran off and got married, Elk is still a junkie and Ginkan still thinks that people like him. Everybody wins!"
"TSUKASA!"
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!"
Next Episode- BABY
See you next chapter!