A/N: Chapter 2 then! Let's being, I hope this chapter is good!
.hackBOREDOM
BABY
"Then find something to entertain yourself..." Mimiru said, reading 'War and Peace'. Tsukasa ignored her advice and began walking back and forth again. "Argh, stop that, it's making me dizzy..."
"You're reading! How can I be making you dizzy?"
The Heavyblade looked up for a second. "You just are."
"Well, I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooorry! I'm just bored! There isn't anything to do now that my show is finished." Tsukasa complained.
Mimiru raised an eyebrow. "Your show?" She asked.
"Yes...mine...my own...my preciousssss..." He reached into his pocket and took out a video tape of episode 28, Unison, and began to pet it. "At least this hasn't been played on TV yet!"
Putting her book down, Mimiru stood up and patted Tsukasa on the shoulder. "It's already been released..."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He screamed, falling to his knees and pounding the ground. "WHY! WHY! WHY DID THEY DO THAT!" Tsukasa quickly stood back up and slapped himself. "Okay. I'm better...but I'm still bored..."
Kite took that moment to walk by them, talking like a TV. "We have always had a gentle understanding of the creatures that lie beyond our boarders..." Mimiru and Tsukasa looked at him with confused faces. He then turned towards them and grabbed Tsukasa by his shirt, whispering in a female's voice, "There are marks...on the door!"
"TV is gonna rot your brain..." Crim said, poking the way with his spear wearing his new 'Flamer' shirt.
"It already has..." Kite replied sadly, before going back to a woman's voice. He pointed at Crim. "This color is not aloud here. It attracts them. We must bury it." He ran over to Crim, picked him up and threw him into a giant hole that appeared from no where.
"AAAH!" Yelled Crim. "What in Morganna's name are you doing!"
Kite ignored Crim and began to fill the hole up with dirt. Which also appeared from no where. "Heed the warning bell, for they are coming." Crim jumped out of the dirt pile and began to beat the living daylight out of Kite as he continued to say lines from 'The Village'.
"This isn't good enough for you?" Mimiru asked, pointing at the fight.
"No...we need something BIG!" Tsukasa exclaimed. "Like it just flew out of a Soap Opera!"
Subaru suddenly busted into the room. "I'M THREE MONTHS PREGNANT!"
Six Months Later...
"Okay Subaru, push, PUSH!"
---Waiting Room---
All of the .hackers were gathered in the waiting room. Most were sitting or reading. Ginkan, however, was pacing the room, smoking and muttering stuff. "Can I have some of that?" Elk whispered from the corner.
"Ginkan, don't be so worried." Mimiru said.
Ginkan turned around and glared at Mimiru. "I have every right to be! It's my damn baby!" He yelled.
"Your baby!" Replied the entire room.
"Yes! My Baby!"
All of the boys, minus Elk, laughed and said in unison, "It can't be your baby, It's mine!" They all turned to eachother. "Wait, YOUR BABY!" They all yelled together. "IT'S MINE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" The boys all tackled eachother and got into a giant fight over who's baby it was. Helmets were flying, hair was being pulled, blood was dripping. It was a gore fest, so that is why the censors added that big cloud of dust over them to cover it up.
"I, Gaia, The Spirit of the Earth, takes pity on who this baby belongs too." BT said.
"Geez, I hope it's not mine then..." Elk added quietly.
Mimiru turned in shock at Elk. "You've slept with Subaru!"
Elk shook his head. "She asked me for a spear donation...AND I DON'T FEEL RIGHT TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF WITHOUT MIA! WAAAAAAAAAAH!" He threw his head into his arms and cried.
Mimiru rolled her eyes and rested back into her chair. "I, Gaia, The Spirit of the Earth, must say, DAMN! Subaru gets around!" BT added.
Just then, a doctor wheeled Subaru out in a wheel chair. "Hey guys!" She greeted, holding the baby. "Look what came out of me! It's a boy!"
Elk, Mimiru and BT rushed to Subaru's side and looked at the baby. "Awww, it's so cute!" They said together, ignoring the fact that the cloud of dust was starting to get...red...
"And I've named him Wanda!"
Bear quickly jumped from the cloud of dust. "Wanda!" He yelled, looking around. "Wanda! WANDA! WANDA! AAAAAAAAH!" He screamed, running towards and jumping out of the window.
Ginkan also stopped and rushed over to Subaru. "Lady Subaru and/or Subura-sama...Don't you think a boy's name should be the name for a...boy?" He asked.
"My brother is named Wanda..." Subaru said.
Mimiru sighed. "Honey, you don't have a brother."
Subaru began to cry. "In my mind..."
"Why not name him Mi...Mi...Mi...Miiiiiiiiiiimi! Yes, Mimi!" Elk said.
"Nah. That's a girls name!" Subaru replied, getting over her 'episode'.
"Okay. Why not Mi...Mi...Mi...Mimiru! Yeah! Mimiru!"
Subaru glared at Elk. "I am NOT naming MY son after THAT!" She pointed at Mimiru. "Stupid Blackrose copycat."
"I WAS HERE FIRST DAMN IT!" Mimiru screamed, stomping her foot.
At that moment, the other boys dashed over to join the conversation. "Who's the father!" Kite, Crim and Tsukasa asked in unison. "It's me right!" They turned and glared at eachother. "You! IT'S ME! AAAAAAAAAAARGH!" The tackled eachother to the ground once again and began to fight.
"Oh dear is me..." Subaru's eyes began to glitter. "They are fighting over me. How romantic!"
BT shook her head. "I, Gaia, The Spirit of the Earth, say there is only ONE way to settle this..."
---Jerry Springer Show---
"Hello everyone and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show!" Jerry Springer greeted. "Today's topic is about New Mothers and why they have so many men who want their baby. Let's meet our first guest, Subaru!" The camera shows Subaru sitting in a chair on the stage. She waves and flips her hair. "So Subaru, where ar-"
"Screw the introduction, Let's just get on with the show!" She said, raising her hands in the air as the crowd cheered,
"JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!"
"Okay then. Subaru, why are you here?" Jerry asked.
"I'm here to tell all these horny men," She held up the pictures of Crim, Elk, Kite, Bear and Ginkan. "-That I only want Tsukasa to mah babies daddy."
"Okay then, let's bring out our first guest, Ginkan!"
Ginkan came running out from off stage yelled, "YOU -Bleep-ing -Bleep-! HOW THE -Bleep- COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!" He charged at Subaru only to have Steve hold him back.
Subaru stood out of her seat and said, "I don't want you honey!" She said, snapping her fingers.
"-BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP-!" Was Ginkan replied.
"Yeah! Come on, you -Bleep!-" Subaru laughed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Ginkan punched Steve to the floor and began chasing Subaru around the stage, the only sound being heard was, Bleep.
---.hacker's...house?---
Mimiru was shifting in her chair watching the TV. "Um, I don't think that the Jerry Springer Show was such a good idea..." She said calmly.
"I, Gaia, The Spirit of the Earth, Agree. But it does give us some entertainment."
---Jerry Springer Show---
Ginkan was now chained to his chair. "ARGH! I have done nothing be serve you!" He screamed. "AND YOU GO AND GIVE MY BABY TO SOME ANGST RIDDEN WAVEMASTER!"
"Well, DUH!" Subaru said in valley girl accent. "By the way, it was his anyway!"
"How the -bleep- could it be his! HE'S A GIRL!"
"Ooooooooooooh!" The crowd went. "WE LOVE LESBIANS! WE LOVE LESBIANS!"
Subaru gasped in shock. "He is NOT!"
"We'll be right back!" Jerry Springer said as the camera zoomed away.
---.hacker's house---
Mimiru and BT staring at the TV, waiting for it to return to Jerry Springer. "Are you a woman?" The TV asked. BT and Mimiru nodded. "Are between the age of 14-60?" The nodded again. "Do you suffer from burning feminine itch?" Mimiru and BT looked at eachother, and got up to get some popcorn.
---Jerry Springer Show---
"And we're back!" Jerry greeted as the camera zoomed to him. "We're about to bring out the second of Subaru's many husbands. Let's meet, Bear!"
Bear walked out onto the stage in full pimp gear. "Yo man, I'm glad I'm not your baby's dad." He said, swing his 'pimping' cane. "Remember the Pimp Bible." Bear reached into his pocket and took out a book reading, 'Pimp Bible'. "Green for the money, then go for the honey."
"YOU USED ME!" Subaru exclaimed. Once getting an nod for an answer, she jumped from her seat and began to rip Bear to little pieces. "AAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" She screamed until Steve lifted her off Bear. "LET ME AT HIM!" Subaru yelled, foaming at the mouth. "HE USED ME!"
"..." Bear replied. Well, he really didn't say anything as he was now dead.
"THE ONLY -Bleep-ING ONE WHO CAN USE ME IS TSUKASA!" Subaru bit Steve and landed on the ground.
"EVERYONE USES YOU, YOU -Bleep-ing HORE!" Ginkan yelled from his seat.
"WHORE! WHORE! WHORE! WHORE!" Chanted the crowd.
Subaru flipped her hair. "Of course. And with a set of mango cans like these, I can't see why not!"
"TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!" Chanted the crowd again as Subaru took off her shirt and flashed the viewers. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"
"And our rating go up!" Jerry cheered.
---.hacker's house---
Mimiru and BT were now staring at the TV in horror. "Maybe we should go save them..." Mimiru said, getting out of her chair and heading to the door.
"YES!" Was BT's replied. "LET OUR POWERS COMBINE!"
---Murray Show---
Murray and Subaru were sitting together on a couch near a giant screen. "Okay Subaru. We are here to find out who the father of you lovely little boy, Wanda, is." Murray stated, patting Subaru on the knee.
Subaru wiped some tears from her very red eyes. "All I want to find his husband!" She said through fake tears before she broke down crying.
"It's okay. Now, we are about to show pictures of all those who you've slept within the time of you got pregnant." Murray lifted his hand and the screen showed the pictures of: Tsukasa, Bear, Crim, Kite, Elk, Balmung, Sora and Helba.
"Yup!" Subaru said, putting on her happy face again. "Just Elk gave me a spear donation. He looks to young for me."
"Okay. We are now going to bring them all out here, but first, let us build up tension by showing videos of what they had to say about being your son's father."
"Screw the tape, BRING THEM OUT!"
All the people on the pictures walked out. Well, Elk was dragging Bear's dead corps in a red wagon, but you get the idea. "We've given each of you a blood test..." Murray held up some papers. "And I have the results right here. Are you ready?" Everyone but Bear nodded. "This might shock you all. We will begin with Elk." Elk gulped. "Elk...you are NOT the father."
"Oh thank God!" Elk cheered as Mia, who watched from the audience waved a flag with Elk's face on it.
"Crim...You are NOT the father."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Crim yelled before breaking damn crying.
"Tsukasa...You are NOT the father."
Tsukasa snapped his fingers. "Darn..."
"That's all right." Subaru said, placing her arm around Tsukasa. "I still want him to be the daddy."
"Helba...You are NOT the father."
"Well, yeah..." Helba said, floating away. "I never even slept with that kleptomaniac..." She turned and glared a Subaru. "Give it back..."
"Awww..." Subaru moaned, handing back Helba's staff. "But it's mine..."
"Bear...You are NOT the father."
"..." Bear said.
"Kite...You ARE the father."
"YES!" Kite cheered, dancing around the room. "YES, YES, YES!"
Ginkan took out his sword and put it to Murray's throat. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S THE FATHER! THIS IS BULL-Bleep-! I DEMAND A RECOUNT!"
Sora sighed. "Well, I'm not sad...but I'm not happy either! Oh well, it's time for BT's daily killing. See ya!" He jumped away, followed by a very confused Balmung.
"You may be the father..." Subaru said. "But we don't want you in our lives!"
"Yeah!" Tsukasa agreed.
Kite rolled his eyes. "Geez, like I'd want to be in your lives anymore then I already am? I just want to change his name to Lou."
"Hm...I like Lou..."
"Me too...Too bad we're keeping it Wanda." Subaru got up and grabbed Tsukasa. "Come Tsukasa! Let us go to our wonderful world of babies!"
"Babies?" Tsukasa asked, as he was dragged backstage. "WE DID BABIES!"
---.hacker's house---
Tsukasa was sitting next to Mimiru on the couch, feeding Wanda a bottle. "Well, was that good enough for you?" Mimiru asked.
"Yeah..." Tsukasa kissed Wanda's cheek...only have his noise be bitten. "Ow!" Wanda jumped off Tsukasa's lap, rushed to the door, hopped in their mini-van and drove off. "Little Bastard. He better not come home smelling like smoke..."
Subaru wiped another tear away from her eye. "They grow up so fast, don't they? It only feels like today I was giving birth to him."
"It was today..." Crim corrected.
"Not in Five...Four...Three...Two...One!" She reached into her pocket and put on a party hat and tossed some sparkles into the air. "HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
"Well..." Tsukasa sank back into his seat. "I'm bored again..."
"Wanna get high?" Elk asked from the corner.
BT rose her hand. "I, Gaia, The Spirit of the Earth, says that we should learn Spanish!"
"YEAH!" Cheered the .hackers. "SPANISH IS FUN!" They all jumped into the air in victory as the screen froze as the words below appeared on the screen:
See you next chapter!
Next Chapter- HYPER