The Stalked Files
Category: Humor
Summary: Mrs. Tinkle Bell Ganado (a crazy stalker) goes to visit the stars of the hit show The X-Files. Takes Place during Season Seven.
The Beginning
Cradle Lane was a quiet neighborhood. The grass was cut evenly, and the houses were all painted the same electric white with blue shingles. Except for one house. One house that all of the Cradle Lane families despised with all of their pathetic little hearts might. The home of Mrs. Tinkle Bell. Yes you heard correctly, Tinkle Bell. But you can call her Tinkle. Her grass was growing over the sidewalk edges, and her house was painted black with red shingles. Masking Tape X's were taped on every window, and her mailbox was in the shape of an alien head. On the top of her chimney stood a tall tin foil scare crow, poorly made with Styrofoam balls on each tip. Instead of a garden gnome, or plastic flamingo, she had a life size cardboard cut out of Heather Locklear. She believed it kept her safe from the evil demons that lurked around the streets at night. Now, Tinkle herself was a mad woman. And by mad, I do not mean angry, I mean crazy, LOONEY, straight from the Funny Farm of Hick Town, Alabama. Her hair was wild and blue, frizzy and explosive. Her eyes were red and black, special thanks to Eye Glass Plus, for all her crazy needs! Her clothes were the worst! Long black bellbottom jeans, and a yellow wonder bra. That is correct. Mrs. Tinkle Bell did not believe in over shirts. Or shoes. She wore Pink Panther toe socks with little flowers on each toe.
Now, you may be wondering why I am telling you all this. I myself for the first few seconds did too. But I have to tell you! Warn everyone about the crazy stalkers that roam are streets today! And what damage this particular one did to the best actor's on a sci-fi show in the history of time. This is her story.
/Gillian Anderson's Front Door/
A newspaper is thrown a the door, right before she opens it, nearly missing the flying news.
"THANKS FABIO!" she yelled to the aspiring newspaper boy. He wanted to be the best newspaper boy there ever was. That he was. Gillian walked inside and threw the newspaper in the trash, not wanting to read the horrible stories that stuck in the pages. Little did she know, that was the one-day she should have read it! On the cover of it, it showed Mrs. Tinkle Bell as crazy stalker of the month. If only she had taken the time to read.
She fell on her fluffy wuffy couch of dreams, and thought about how mush her life kicked boo-tay. It was a simple life. One that consisted of low fat tofutti dreamcicles, and starring in a lead role on one of the most famous cable networks in the biz. Yes, a simple life at that.
Bing Bong went her brand spankin new Fox sponsored doorbell. She had bought it to convince them not to get into the reality show section of TV. (She had returned it a bit later.) She got up from her fluffy wuffy couch of dreams and walked back over to the door, which she had now randomly decided to name Kelsey. She looked through Kelsey's peephole and giggled. She had been reading a lot of smut fan fiction lately, and this reminded her of the one where her and Mulder played charades ad she was a door. But her giggles soon died, when she saw Mrs. Tinkle Bell standing on her doorstep, staring eerily into the hole.
"EEEEEK!" Gillian yelled, dropping her bowl of soup that she didn't even know she was carrying. But she remembered her new motto.
An ugly fan is still a fan, and fans have feelings too!
She smiled graciously and opened the door.
"HELLO FAN!" she said broadly. "HOW MAY I HELP YOU, TODAY!"
Mrs. Tinkle Bell only stood their, starring in awe.
Gillian still stands silently, smiling like Mulder in crazy fan fictions.
Mrs. Tinkle Bell still is speechless.
Gillian's cheeks begin to hurt.
Mrs. Tinkle Bell's eyes grow wide.
Gillian's eyes begin to twitch.
Mrs. Tinkle Bell opens her mouth.
Gillian hopes to god she will speak so she can stop freaking smiling!
Mrs. Tinkle Bell inhales.
Gillian begins to cry silently, still smiling with amazing strength.
"I have a magnetic chip in the back of my neck, and I think the government put it there four years ago and I think we are connected at birth, because I to have the strong urge to be Mulder's partner in crazy cases and that is a sign of relativity according to Cameron, my tabby cat. She's def but she is very bright. Do you wanna go get some pizza, sis? Nah you're probably tired from all the alien chasing, huh? Oh well we can do it some other time, I'm always free."
Gillian freezes, from her frozen spot, still smiling, but now, in confusion. Who was this lady?
"Who are you, lady?" She asked.
"Me? Oh I am so stupid!" She smacks her forehead. "I am Mrs. Tinkle Bell! I know we have different last names, but I figured we were separated at birth like the Olsen twins!"
"Uhhh…The Olsen Twins were never separated at birth. They were on Full House as little babies." Gillian said.
"YOU WATCH FULL HOUSE TOO!!" she shrieked, glowing in gleam.
"Now, it is a horrible show, and you know what? The last two seasons were a RIP OFF!" Gillian yelled in anger. How could anyone of any status, like such a cheesy show? MADNESS!
"Uhhh…I gotta go now!" Gillian slams Kelsey shut, and walks back into the living room. But alas, there is Mrs. Tinkle Bell, standing in the middle of the circular room.
"Hi Dana!!" she said.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Gillian screamed, while wondering why she thought her name was Dana.
She began to ran, but tripped over her own feet. The end was near, Mrs. Tinkle Bell was approaching!
But then suddenly, she walked away out the front door, and down the street. Gillian wondered what that was all about and picked up the phone.
She dialed 17 numbers, and waited.
"Hello…David? …Lock your doors." She whispered.
End Of Part One