Title: "Personal Hell"
Time Period/Spoilers: Up to Prisoner of Azkaban.
Rating: PG-13 (disturbing images)
Summary: We all know what Harry experienced when the Dementor first showed up on the train, but what about the others? What did Neville, Ron, Hermione and Ginny experience?
Author's Notes: I first received the idea for this fic when I read POA some time back and noticed that we only saw what horror Harry experienced. When I read that the others were shaken as well, I thought, 'What did they go through?'. I was also heavily influenced by a painting a talented artist drew here:
http:www.tinaling.ca/mwppmap/art/dtrain.html
I'm assuming the Dementors have the power for you to relive your worst memory (or even nightmare) over and over.
I have to warn the reader that this will NOT be a nice fic.
Chapter One: Prologue, Remus
"They don't need walls and water to keep the prisoners in, not when they're trapped inside their own heads, incapable of a single cheerful thought. Most go mad within weeks."
-Remus Lupin on Dementor's Role in Azkaban
Remus Lupin was tired. It had been several days since his last transformation, but with the rush to get all his affairs and things (such as they were) in order, he'd barely had time to get a decent night's sleep. As he took the time to shave quickly, he paused for a moment to look at the man that stared back at him in the mirror. Mangy brown hair, not washed in days, stuck up in all angles. Here and there it was lined with gray, not so much from age, but from his…condition, which placed considerable stress on his body, not to mention his mind. But it was the eyes that spoke volumes about how he felt. Puffy from lack of sleep, with dark rings gave them a sunken look, and if he looked hard enough, he could see a slight yellow tinge to his brown eyes. He blinked once, and for a brief moment, he saw an image of a wolf looking back at him. With a snarl, he shut his eyes so tightly he started seeing spots beneath his eyelids. He opened them again, and had to blink away the afterimages clouding his eyesight. Turning, he looked back at the mirror to finish shaving.
A haggard Sirius Black stared back from the looking glass.
The razor dropped with a clatter to the floor and Lupin staggered backwards, falling into his bed. For several moments he lay there doing nothing except wiping away cold sweat from his face with a shaking hand and breathing hard. He glanced down at the bed and saw today's copy of the Daily Prophet, whose front-page headline story screamed that Sirius Black had escaped from Azkaban. The maniacal visage of his old Marauder friend laughed silently as he held the ID tag in front of him. Lupin looked from the paper to the mirror and sighed. His subconscious was definitely acting like an errant bludger as punishment for his lack of sleep.
A fine Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor I make, he thought sardonically. But as he finished that thought, he unconsciously grinned.
Hogwarts!
Of all the places to be offered a job, he never imagined it would be back at his alma mater! Unfortunately, people stricken with lycanthropy were, at best, shunned by the general wizarding community, or, at worse, actively hunted. As much as he hated to lie, Remus had been able to find the occasional job here and there, mostly to do with tutoring. However, those jobs rarely lasted more than a few months since his monthly 'disappearances' would raise too many suspicions. He shook his head at his good fortune and thought back to his conversation he had a week ago with Prof. Dumbledore.
-----
Lupin had been surprised when he had been contacted directly by Albus Dumbledore not even a day after he had received the owl carrying the offer letter from Hogwarts. Dumbledore's head floated a foot or two above the flames in his fireplace, as Remus looked up from the parchment in his hands.
"I sincerely apologize for my abruptness in finding out what your answer is in terms of my offer," said Dumbledore, "but recent events have made me hasten to hear your answer." Lupin glanced up at Dumbledore's face. He knew exactly which 'recent events' he was referring to, but that wasn't what made him vaguely uncomfortable. He paused to look thoughtfully back at the parchment.
"Professor, are you sure about this? I mean, what with my…illness and all? I know any and all new posts must be first cleared by the Ministry, and if I know Cornelius Fudge, he probably is not too keen on having someone like me teaching at school." Remus hated to sound like he was making excuses, but - if for no other reason - he wanted the air cleared between them.
Dumbledore merely nodded and smiled. "Everything has been taken into account and all preparations have been made, Remus," he said calmly. "As to the Ministry and Cornelius Fudge, I have given both my complete assurances that you are more than qualified for the job, and that all precautions will be adhered to." Lupin cheeks reddened a bit at hearing Dumbledore going out on a limb for him.
"You will also be interested," continued Dumbledore, "in knowing that my Potions Master is more than qualified to prepare the Wolfsbane potion you would need." Lupin's face jerked up at this bit of news. On those rare occasions that he could afford it, the potion had been a godsend since it allowed him to (quite literally) keep his wits about him after the transformation. It was the one thing that allowed him to hold the Wolf at bay so that some other unfortunate soul wouldn't get bit. Without it, he would be capable of anything and he shuddered to think what unspeakable things he might have done after the transformation.
The Wolfsbane potion was a recent invention, and, as such, he kept tabs on all the local reputable Potions Masters in every place he visited, and steered clear of all the charlatans. The reason being is that, if mixed incorrectly, the potion could lead to a violent death.
"Might I ask as to whom your Potions Master is, Professor?" Remus asked mildly. Dumbledore seemed to pause for a moment before answering.
"Well, I do believe you know him," he said dryly. "His name is Severus Snape."
Lupin prided on keeping a tight rein on his emotions since they were one of the few things that he could control. However, even he couldn't stop his hand from tightening a little on the offer letter at hearing that name.
"Severus Snape?" he repeated mildly. The former Death Eater? He hadn't been present when all of Voldemort's associates were dragged to their trials after the fall of their master, but he did keep up on all of Rita Skeeter's editorials (however overblown they seemed to be), and he remembered reading about Snape's acquittal. Still…he was under no delusions that Snape still held a grudge from that prank that was played on him back in his Hogwarts/Marauders days.
A prank that almost got him killed.
Dumbledore looked at him with a piercing gaze. "Be not troubled by his past affiliations, Remus," he said mildly. "Know only that I trust him implicitly." Lupin still had his doubts, but when it came to trusting the Headmaster, there was no question. Although, he would still have a mild twinge of doubt the first time Snape would give him the potion.
"Any other questions or concerns?" Dumbledore asked quietly.
"Just one," Lupin replied. "Why me?"
"Well, as I said before, you are definitely qualified for the position," the Headmaster said with a small smile. That much was true. Since Lupin was forced to travel from place to place, he had come across some of the more unsavory creatures in the wizarding world. He still remembered the pack of Grindlyows that tried to pull him down into a lake when he did some fishing.
"Secondly," continued Dumbledore, "and well, quite frankly Remus, you could use the job." Lupin tried hard not to be too self-conscious of the state of his robes or the small flat he rented. He realized that he really could use the position, plus, he would be with people he knew…
"Well," he began slowly, "If you believe I'm a good fit and I somehow believe you wouldn't take no for an answer," he looked up and grinned at Professor Dumbledore, "How can I refuse?"
"Excellent!" Dumbledore said amiably. "Now that you've come on board, there are some matters I must discuss with you."
"Such as..?"
Just as quickly, Dumbledore's jovial matter dropped to reveal a very serious face. "There is reason to believe that Sirius Black may be headed to Hogwarts."
"Why?" asked Lupin, incredulously. "I mean, what is there that could be of possible interest to him?"
"Harry Potter," Dumbledore replied quietly. "Which is why the Ministry of Magic has ordered the use of Dementors outside the grounds of the school."
Lupin was aghast. Not just with the news of James and Lily Potter's son, but also with the Dementors being allowed near school in the first place. He, of course, knew of Harry's role in the fall of Voldemort, but he also was a little embarrassed to realize that he hadn't kept up with his happenings afterward.
"Dementors...at Hogwarts?" Lupin repeated. "Albus, they're bad enough as it is in Azkaban, but to risk possible exposure to the children - "
"Which is why," interrupted Dumbledore, "I need a fully qualified Defense against the Dark Arts teacher….and not someone who thinks crazed Pixies are the worst students would face." He said the last with a small amount of chagrin. Lupin frowned a little in confusion, but decided to let the comment pass.
"I'm going to need a few things." Lupin said thoughtfully. "Dementors aren't something I've had the pleasure of running into."
"Send me an owl and I'll make sure you get what you need."
"Professor?" Lupin asked tentatively.
"Yes?"
Lupin wasn't quite sure how Dumbledore would take the question, but he had to ask. "Do you really believe Black will try and get at Harry Potter?" He asked quietly. Prof. Dumbledore's head floated above the flames for a few moments before he answered.
"There are many aspects relating to Sirius Black that make me pause and wonder: The fact that he was sent to Azkaban without the benefit of a trial, for one." A slight frown creased his face. "Now, the Ministry's order to allow Dementors near the school…." His eyes flashed quickly with anger and left so quickly that Lupin wasn't even sure if it was there.
"Be that as it may," Dumbledore said with a shake of his head, "We will discuss this more in depth once you've arrived and settled in."
Lupin opened his mouth to suggest he use the Floo Network, but a quick glance at a small pot showed it empty of all powder. Sighing, he looked back at the Headmaster.
"Professor, perhaps I should ride the Hogwarts Express, it's only a few days away and would allow me a little time to get my things together."
Dumbledore nodded. "Excellent idea, Remus! It will give the students a chance to meet their new DADA teacher. Until then!" With a puff of smoke, the headmaster was gone.
Lupin stood there, looking at the spot where Dumbledore was for a few moments. Then he came forward and leaned on the fireplace, gazing into the cackling flames.
Sirius…Harry Potter…Dementors!
Shaking his head, Remus Lupin realized that he would definitely be earning his keep this year at Hogwarts.
-----
Platform 9 ¾ bustled all around Remus as he carried his assorted bags to the train. Witches and wizards of all ages were running here and there, saying a last goodbye to a child starting school, buying a last-minute ticket or making sure all baggage was properly put away. He smiled in dim remembrance as his own father and mother had seen him off for his first year so many years ago.
There was a time when his parents had thought that because of his illness, he'd be forbidden from attending the school since he'd be a danger not only to himself, but to his fellow students as well. However, after meeting with Headmaster Dumbledore, they'd been able to arrange his admission to the school. He could still feel his mother hug him fiercely as well as the even fiercer one his father had given him. His last view of them was when the train left the station and he could still see them standing on the platform until it finally disappeared. Then and there he realized that it was the first time ever that he'd been away from them.
Shaking the cobwebs from his head, Lupin walked forward towards the porter who was punching tickets. As he walked he spied a small kiosk selling all sorts of Honeydukes candies. He checked his pockets and found he still had a few knuts left over; he walked over quickly and purchased a large bar of chocolate. If Dementors were to be roaming outside of Hogwarts, he wanted to be prepared, especially in an area filled with children. That done, he came forward, had his ticket punched and climbed inside.
Already, many students had boarded, and several looked at him curiously out of their compartments as he walked past. Not quite ready to meet students yet, he walked all the way to the last car where he entered, put his suitcase on a shelf and sat himself down. Once settled down and seated did Lupin surprisingly realize he could finally relax a bit.
The rush of the last few days had finally caught up to him and he wasn't at all surprised that his eye lids actually felt heavy. He looked out the window and still saw so many students bustling here and there. Remus looked back at the empty compartment he was in and sighed. Although he was heading back to Hogwarts, this time as a teacher, he still couldn't help feeling a little nostalgic. It was in this train that he met his true friends, people he naively thought would be around for a long time: James, Peter…Sirius. His throat tightened a bit and he had to swallow a few times when he knew that those seven years he'd studied at Hogwarts were to be the happiest he'd ever had, before or since.
He leaned on the window and thought that since the ride would be a long one, he could catch up on a little sleep. Someone would wake him when they reached the school, wouldn't they? His last conscious thought was hearing the train whistle go off, signaling its imminent departure.
Remus didn't think he'd ever have such a good nap. No nightmares haunted him, however, dimly, just tickling the edges of his consciousness, he subconsciously heard voices nearby. He was so exhausted, however, he could've slept like a baby at a Weird Sisters concert.
His sleep was rudely interrupted when he was jostled awake by the train came to a jolting stop. He blinked several times and took stock of his situation and was vaguely surprised to see that he had company. Three children, two boys and a girl, were sitting on the opposite seat, talking excitedly. His eyes widened as he gazed at one of the boys who had unkempt raven black hair and wearing glasses. Before he could say anything, the lights went out in the compartment, and from what he could gather, the rest of the train.
What was going on?
He looked back out the window and noticed it was pouring outside, with rain bouncing off the glass. His hand was touching the glass when suddenly it started to feel extremely cold to the touch. With a gasp, he pulled it away and could see ice begin to form on the glass. The hairs on the back of his neck suddenly stood on end and his eyes widened in shock.
No! It couldn't be!..Not them!...Not here!
His head whipped back to the compartment when he heard even more children literally fall into the compartment, causing even more commotion – as well as panic – since they couldn't tell where anyone was in the dark.
"Quiet!" he yelled hoarsely.
A quick word and a flame crackled in his hand. The light danced across the walls of the compartment and he could see three boys and two girls all looking at him nervously.
"Stay where you are," he said quietly. He had to move fast. If it was who he dreaded it was, he had to get to them first. He got up and started for the door. But even before he could take his first step, the door opened on its own.
A towering, cloaked figure stood there, seemingly oblivious to the light of the flame, with a hand on the edge of the door. Lupin couldn't stop an involuntary shudder as he saw the desiccated hand go quickly back into the folds of the robe. He took another step, his hand reaching for his wand, when the figure drew a long, slow, rattling breath. Lupin instantly saw his breath freeze in the cold and he glanced back at the children and silently cursed.
All of them had a glassy, petrified look in their eyes, oblivious to their surroundings, but it was Harry Potter (whom he now recognized), who looked the worst. A moment of terror in the mind is like a lifetime with these creatures around. He couldn't imagine what horrors or nightmares all were reliving. He grabbed his wand and dashed forward, gritting his teeth as his own fears began bubbling forth.
-Continued-