Emphatic

A/N: I am so sorry this took me so long, I have been swamped with work all week!

Chapter 5 - Numb

The news hit me like a boulder being hurled at my stomach. I somehow managed to control my sudden bout of sadness and panic, and this time started working at making myself emotionally numb. I told myself that until I started to feel stronger there was no point in even letting the thought of Neo creep into my mind, or I would just end up feeling miserable. I didn't fancy a dose of depression on top of the physical pain I was suffering. Of course, I might force myself to go in search of him, but how? And what would it matter if I wasn't ready to walk? Every second I spent thinking about him hurt even more than the pain from the metal rods. I was sure I wasn't coming back while I lay there on the Logos. I was sure that was my moment to die, I was sure I wouldn't see him again. A small part of me wished I had remained dead, anything to stop this determination mixed with sheer hopelessness. But the rest of me knew I had to keep going, for his sake, for my sake, for Zion's sake. The only thing I knew about the events after my death were that Neo had been submitted to a great deal of pain, and he was currently alive but unconscious, and lost, possibly forever. And that thought pulled on my heart so hard that it felt like it was torn into shreds. What I didn't know was how he felt this pain, nor what state he was in at that very moment, apart from the fact that it was worse than how I felt. At that moment, I found it difficult to imagine how horrific that must be.

Morpheus visited me the next day, after a shallow but dreamless sleep, if it could even be called sleep. He shared more information; about news he had heard. In return I explained all that had happened on the journey, including Neo's blindness - which shocked him, and how I came to be so badly injured and what caused my death. Then I came to the events after my attempted escape.

"What did they do to you, Trinity?" he asked me, concern filling his fatherly voice.

"They got their revenge," I replied coldly. Thinking about how the twins had pushed my already broken body into walls, beaten me and at one point grazed my skin with a switchblade made me feel an intense hatred for them. Morpheus seemed to smile a little.

"It's good to have you back," he told me, some form of happiness in his tone. "But what did you do to deserve revenge?"

"You saw me shoot one of them in the arm while we were in that car park. Well, after that, I kicked one in the groin and tried my damn hardest to escape. As you found out, I failed," I explained to him, the events of the week coming back to me. "How long were we gone?"

"After you left? Probably about two weeks. You were out cold until then?"

"Yes," I grunted.

"The good news is, you will be okay. You aren't completely healed, but you will be. The machines gave you back your life, but you lost blood which they could not replace. It caused your weakness," Morpheus told me.

I found myself looking to my left forearm, and there was a probe coming out of the metal plug. I followed the deep red tube up to a bag three-quarters full with blood. I hadn't noticed it before, most likely because I had been asleep for most of my time back at Zion. I thought that if I'd ever deserved a rest, that was when I deserved it most. I had many more questions to ask, and after such an ordeal I decided there was no point in hiding them any more, not if it was getting me nowhere.

"I didn't know it was possible to get to the Chateau the way you say," I commented. It was really more of a question than a statement.

"Well, I can tell you it was far from simple. Link dropped me in a position a few miles south of where he says Neo called him to request a location. Seraph met me nearer to the Chateau, on the mountain path I took. It took me from early evening to midnight to reach him, and then we were faced with the guards of the place. It was a good warm-up battle before the real thing inside. The keys to the house were within the guard tower, and we let ourselves in through the main doors."

My logical mind was finally restored to me, my questions finally satisfied with reasonable answers. I inwardly smiled a faint smile before falling into a deep sleep, the lengthy conversation becoming too much for my brain to cope with along with the pain. Morpheus must have left after that, and I don't blame him for a sleeping person is not the best conversation starter.

--

A deep sleep it was, for when I finally reawakened I discovered that almost three full days had been and gone without my realising it at all. I felt relaxed and lazy after wakening up, and as I stretched out my muscles, testing them, I yawned quite loudly, breathlessly. I was looking for signs of improvement, and sure enough my muscles were stronger - though a little stiff - and my cuts had healed to reveal only traces of scabs. The almost healed wounds on my stomach and thigh had a fresh dressing on, and the drip had been removed from the plug in my arm.

That's a good sign.

I started to feel more powerful, like I had more control over my body, my entire being, and even the situation. I decided almost without thinking properly that I needed to test my limits. To begin with, I very slowly stretched my legs out. There was definitely some noticeable pain left, but it had diminished so much that it was just a trace compared to the aching I felt with any movement before. I took a breath and placed my hands on the edge of the silver bed. I needed to do this for myself. I hauled myself up into a sitting position, and I managed to get off with just a wince. Once my feet hit the cold, tiled floor, I felt the corners of my mouth twitching ever so slightly at the feeling of it. I pulled my boots on, pain niggling my back as I bent over, and then I stood up without the support of the bed, and pain tingled in my legs. But I was proud of myself for standing, so I ignored the pain. Most of the pain was from not using my legs for a week. I stumbled clumsily over my own feet as I made my way around the room, some slight throbbing beginning in my stomach and thigh again. I grabbed onto objects to aid me in my walking, and eventually made it to the doorway.

I peered around the corner and saw Zee sitting on one of the chairs of the waiting room, Cas standing with her back to me. Zee looked concerned from where I stood, the importance of their discussion making her oblivious at first to my presence. I wanted to surprise them, walk towards them and let them see I had improved so much. But as I walked through the door, my legs became suddenly weak and gave way below me, and I had to grab onto the frame for support.

"Trinity!" Zee called, the movement obviously catching her eye. Her expression was a mixture of relief and concern. She rushed to me, Cas turning and following swiftly behind her. I was currently half standing, half kneeling, and Cas seemed to look guilty.

"Trinity, you should be resting," she muttered, helping me up and holding my arm tightly. Her voice had a hint of patronisation in it, and despite my weakened state, my nature caused me to groan loudly. I had taken care of myself all my life, I didn't need her to treat me like this.

"Cas, I can do it myself," I snapped. I realised I was wrong, and my voice softened. "Thanks. I just need to get out," I told her, steadying myself in the doorway. Her face was beside mine, and I saw her looking hurt. "I can't stand sitting around here any more. I can't just do nothing, I have to at least look for him here."

Her expression luckily changed to sympathy, which was a much better emotion than guilt and hurt. She had a hint of sadness, remembrance in her eyes. I was beginning to understand how she felt, she had been through a lot. I just hoped I didn't begin to understand her feelings too deeply.

"At least take some crutches," she asked me, finally submitting.

"No, I'm fine. I'm fine, Cas, honestly," I told her sternly. I began to walk forward to demonstrate my point, but I fell across one of the medicine counters before I'd take my second step. I turned and looked bitterly at Cas.

"Please?"

Zee brought a crutch over without my submission, without even being prompted by Cas. She pushed it towards me and I took it in my hands reluctantly. It felt foreign, I was used to feeling weapons, steering wheels, Neo's hands, his skin… I shook my head, physically trying to rid myself of thoughts of him. I used the crutch to prop me up on my right side, and stood straight again.

"All right, I'll use it," I agreed finally. I hated being taken care of by them. I needed to know I could take care of myself, without their help. I couldn't even admit to myself that without them, anything could have happened. I only needed me to look after me. But as soon as I thought that, his face passed into my mind, the feeling of his arms warm around me, the sound of him whispering in my ear that it would all be okay…

No, I commanded myself. Stop it. I can't think of him until I see him at least.

I commanded myself.

I couldn't let my hopes build up. But I knew that while it was difficult to stop thinking of him now, I could lock thoughts of him away for a while. But once I had seen his familiar code trickling down the monitors, the lock would break.

I made my way out of the infirmary, using the crutch at my side to hold me up if I felt like I was falling. I took a good look around me at the city, kicking bits of shrapnel and large chunks of metal out of my path. Small and large bits of debris covered the dock, and I shoved them out of the way with a boot or the crutch. I felt a certain sadness looking at the holes in the ceiling, and the pieces of metal on the floor before me. Some were bits of sentinels and machine weapons, others were small bullets from the machines we controlled, then there were bits of our roof, parts of one of the many commanding rooms and even railings spread everywhere. This wreck that lay before me used to be a bustling city filled with laughter, life and love, and this bridge that I walked on used to be busy with soldiers striding purposefully back and forth between their ships and their cabins. The dock that I was heading towards was filled with brilliant ships before the war, many of them old but still working perfectly, all working together for one cause. I wondered how many of them were still there, intact, and how many of them had been completely destroyed. I wondered how many of them had been found in the sewers, tattered and torn, broken down and battered. I wondered where they were now, where their crews stayed.

The bridge itself was a total destruction zone. Workers had managed to build a temporary bridge across a giant gap that had been torn away during the battle. It seemed safe enough, but the metal was flimsy compared to that of the original bridge, and it wasn't very wide so only two people could cross it at once, rather than the previous possibility of ten people marching across the bridge alongside one another. Any dead bodies had since been cleared away and either cremated or buried in the old burial grounds outside the temple. I was glad, for although I had seen many dead bodies in my life in the real world, I didn't know if I could face one more case of death right now. I had had my fair share of it in the last while.

I made my way to the docks at the end. They too seemed to have gone through some serious damage repairs, and to my dismay about six of the ships were gone. I knew already of the Osiris, the Vigilant, our Nebuchadnezzar and the Logos, but what other two were missing? Perhaps they were just out on their rounds, or perhaps they were gone, destroyed like the rest of the city. I swallowed hard, a bitter feeling spreading from my head to my throat, and eventually coating my heart like ice.

There was one ship that stood out amongst the others. One ship that was completely destroyed, and had been repaired beyond belief. A lot of work had been put into that ship, and immediately I felt pain for it, for its crew. But there was a sense of pride that it had been fixed, almost to the point where it could fly again. I felt a faint smile rising within me, but swallowed it back down. Something was familiar about this ship. I raised my eyebrow, chewing my lower lip and wondering what made me recognise it so.

No, it couldn't be. It just couldn't be.

I started to hobble up towards the ship, my crutch making a clanking on the metal grate as though it were a third leg. The ramp of the tattered ship was lowered to the ground, and as I made my way up I saw the plaque, still intact, held high upon the metal piping.

The Nebuchadnezzar.

I felt a tear come to my eye, and for once I allowed it to streak down my face. I felt a mixture of sheer happiness and pride and then the contrasting nostalgia and loneliness. I hadn't felt this alone in a long time. Neo should be by my side to see this. He would usually be with me at the docks. Since I had met him I had not walked this cold walk alone. He should be sharing my joy, my pride. He should be sharing the sight of this plaque, undamaged by the sentinel bomb in the attack only a few weeks before. I imagined the feeling of his warm hand tenderly draped around my waist, or holding my hand and squeezing it every couple of steps. I imagined his grip on my hand tightening, my head turning to face him, my eyes drowning in his as we shared this moment…

Damn it, Trinity. Stop this.

I let him escape my mind as swiftly as he had entered, like mist drifting out of my ears. I could hear a faint, familiar voice coming from the direction of the Mess Hall, perhaps even as far as the core. I made my way through, my stiff legs and crutch tapping harshly on the cold floor. The frame of the ship - the only bit that must have survived - had been coated with more panels of metal, the floor had been remade with a new kind of grating, and the pipes had been restored. The dents in any panels that were from the ship before had been suctioned out, and now the ship looked good as new.

The voice I recognised to be Link's fell quiet, and as I made my way into the core he spun around in his operator chair and looked at me, his mouth falling open in shock.

"Hey," I said, my face calm and straight. I arrived by his side and looked down at him, wanting to laugh at his face but not finding the emotion to make it happen.

"Trinity!" he cried, ripping his headset from his head and leaping up from his chair. He looked at me for a moment, a pause in his step, and then he threw his arms around my shoulders. His head was buried in my hair. "I'm so glad to see you."

"This is a new side to you," I said, some slight amusement creeping into my voice. I allowed a small smile, though it was only partly sincere - my worries still playing on my mind - and stepped back to look at him. "Why are you alone?"

I was interrupted by a soft crackling and a muffled sound coming from the headset, and we both moved over towards it. Link glanced at me then pulled the headset on, taking his seat again. I could vaguely hear Morpheus speaking on the other end, but couldn't quite make out what he was saying.

"Yes sir. Yes sir, she's right here. Yes sir, she can walk, she's up and walking," Link explained to him, his voice filled with excitement and joy. There was a relaxed smile on his face now, and it made me feel like this was the good old days. This thought would bring sad ones along with it, so I forced myself to concentrate.

I sat down in the chair next to Link, staring at the blank and cracked monitors in front of us. The ship had taken more than a fair beating, it was an understatement to say she was destroyed. Needless to say she wouldn't be flying for a while. I settled into the soft, remade leather and took in the familiar and new scents of my home. Link handed me a headset.

"We have the communications device up and running, but that's pretty much it. It'll be a while before we even have water available. Then he returned to his conversation with Morpheus, while I was still curious as to where Morpheus was. I knew he must be in the Matrix though. "Sir, do you see anything unusual?"

"Well, no. There is nothing here. Roland has told me the code is there, with a glitch in it. It's like Neo is there, but there's something different about him. Invisible, it seems," Morpheus said, in his own kind of joking tone that seemed serious to anyone who didn't know him.

I moaned and shuddered a little.

"So, nothing then?" Link said quietly.

"Nothing. There's a wall behind me, where Neo is apparently located, but it isn't even hollow," he replied sadly. I had never heard his voice so emotional, so intense. I almost wished I hadn't heard him, for his tone now made me feel a deep sense of despair.

"Morpheus?" I said gingerly into my microphone. I almost pleaded with him for a more amiable answer.

"Trinity," Morpheus replied, acknowledging me. "This is how it has been for days."

"Shouldn't there be some kind of program for this?" I asked sarcastically. I was surprised to get an answer.

"Actually, yes. There is. Her name is the Seeker. But I do not think you want to speak with her."