Disclaimer: The song used in this chapter is "Feel So Stupid" by Darwin's Waiting Room

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Chapter 8

The door flew shut behind her and she looked around the dark room. Ren was more than glad that it was dark, she had no intentions of having any kind of light around right now. Only soft light from the streetlamps came through her window, sparsely illuminating her room. It was just enough for her to maneuver around her room without causing her to send shelves crashing to the floor.

The girl wiped a few tears from her eyes, knowing that it was useless to continue to do so…they just didn't seem to want to stop falling anyway. Sniffing, Ren walked over to her stereo, hoping that maybe some depressing music could take her mind off of Faith and what happened just a few minutes ago. She knew that eventually she'd have to address the issue, but denial seemed as good a choice as any right now. After all, that might be her only chance to get rid off this mind-numbing pain that threatened to consume her whole.

Ren had never thought it possible for a human being to feel like this; it was a bad cliché used in movies and songs and had never held true meaning for her. But now, after opening up to someone she felt she loved and finding out that she was nothing more than bait to win back some bitchy blonde bimbo, the meaning of a broken heart had finally sunken in. And she didn't like it one bit. She had prepared herself for a possible rejection from Faith after telling her about her feelings, of course she hadn't wanted or quite expected that either…but now when she thought about what had really happened, Ren wanted nothing more than to have been rejected. Because at least the pain would've only been a quarter of what she felt now, after all she had thought she was being rejected and felt hurt, but nowhere quite near this.

Having Buffy tell her that Faith had only been using her to get revenge, the thought of even her friendship being used for nothing more than payback…it hurt worse than anything else. Of course, Buffy probably wasn't the most honest being on the planet, but Faith hadn't even tried to deny the accusation of wanting revenge. Not to mention that the two girls had apparently already agreed to get back together and Ren wondered why Faith had played with her like that, kissing her when she knew she was getting back together with Buffy. Why give her something she'd only been dreaming of before, then take it away to leave her with the knowledge that it had only been to defile her? And why did it still hurt this bad?

A sob escaped her lips as more tears quietly fell from her eyes. She didn't care much for the tears, the crying just barely registered in her mind. Turning on the CD-player, Ren realized the CD wasn't even hers and picked up the case from the top of the appliance. Staring at the jewel case for a few seconds, the brunette scoffed and closed her eyes. It was one of Faith's CDs, some new punk rock band with music and lyrics so far from Ren's usual music taste that it almost scared her to see the case lying with her own CDs. But for some reason she felt that the head-banging music would probably clear her mind real well, maybe anger was better than depression after all.

Pushing the 'Play' button on her stereo, the brunette girl waited for the music to start and walked over to the corner of her room. For a second she considered lying on her bed, but that would've been way too comfortable and she felt nothing like being comfortable. Ren sank into the dark corner of her room, her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs and she cried as the loud music filled her head.

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Faith sucked in deep breaths of the cold night air, hoping desperately that someone, anyone would open the door. She'd had to run the whole way from the party to Ren's house, having missed the girl and her brother by probably only a minute. Not that the house was all that far away, but the cold had put a chill in her bones, along with the realization sinking in of what had happened. Talk about a perfect evening turning into one of the worst in her life, and that in itself was pretty damn hard to do. After all there'd been many shitty evenings in Faith's life.

Suddenly the door opened and Faith stared wide-eyed into the face of the older woman, who eyed her with an almost curious look. Before the brunette girl even had a chance to explain anything, Eileen Stevens opened the door and gestured for her to come inside. Opening her mouth in an attempt to maybe ward off uncomfortable questions by giving some sort of answer before anything could even be asked, Faith tried to think of what to say. But the redheaded woman raised her hand, stopping the girl before she could start to say anything.

"I don't even want to hear it, it's between you and her."

Smiling quickly, but nervously, the brunette girl nodded and walked towards the staircase. She rested her hand on the banister, every little voice inside her head screaming at her to run, but she knew she had to do this. To explain to Ren what she couldn't really explain to herself. Taking a cautious step forward she ascended the first stair, but stopped as she heard the woman's voice calling her back.

"Oh, and Faith?"

"Yeah?" she asked softly, turning around, hoping she wasn't going to get kicked out or yelled at. She'd already been doing enough of that for the past few minutes while running here.

"You know, a wise person once said 'Never tell someone you love them because they want to hear it. Tell them because you do'," the woman smiled at her softly, then turned around to walk out of the room, leaving an only slightly confused Faith behind.

The brunette girl narrowed her eyes, surprised that the woman would take it all this well, but then remembered why she actually came. Making her way up the carpeted stairs she took deep breaths, trying to calm herself but it wasn't quite working the way it was supposed to. She had no idea what to say, what to do, to make it right. All she knew was that she didn't want it to end like this, didn't want a great friendship ruined by what had happened. Not to mention that she had been the one to kiss Ren, so there must've been something inside of her that…

Faith shook her head to clear her thoughts and stopped in front of the girl's door, raising her fist to knock softly. Then she heard the loud music coming through the door, music that sounded strangely familiar. Cocking her head slightly, the brunette girl realized Ren was actually listening to her Darwin's Waiting Room CD, a music genre definitely far away from what the younger girl usually seemed to like. Shaking her head again, she rapped gently on the door, opening it since she figured Ren wouldn't be able to hear her knocking anyway.

Darkness greeted her, along with the familiar sounds of the song playing on the stereo and she took an uncertain step inside the doorway. And as she stood there, darkness falling around her that was only pushed away by the dim light from the corridor, trying to get her eyes to adjust to the lack of light, for the first time did she listen to the lyrics. Suddenly Faith didn't wonder anymore why Ren was listening to this song.

"Love to me, was to be something more when it came to you,

Forever filling a void,

Something I cannot avoid,

Every time I'm put together I'm being destroyed."

Faith took another step into the room, trying to find Ren in the darkness. The music sunk into her bones, the meaning of the words sinking in and she closed her eyes tightly to stop the tears from falling. She had never meant to do this, had never meant to hurt the younger girl.

"So when you come around,

You'll find me on the ground,

Searching for a piece that I never found."

Stopping in the middle of the room, the brunette girl looked around, wincing as the door slowly shut behind her and finally her eyes settled on the dark form in the corner of the room.

"Ren?" she asked softly, knowing that the other girl could hear her full well since the music was getting to a quieter part. But she received no response.

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Ren lifted her eyes to look at Faith, who stood unsurely in the middle of her room, surrounded by the darkness she herself had already gotten used to. She heard the girl call her name, but Ren wasn't sure she could respond. The lump in her throat was painful, choking her, making sure the tears didn't stop while she sat and watched Faith. Closing her eyes she let herself listen to the music, once again surprised at how fitting she found the lyrics.

"I feel so stupid, friends knew it, turned to it,

I'm by…myself, bound to…be"

She looked up again as Faith walked towards her and knew that the older girl had already seen her. Ren didn't move, didn't flinch as the other girl stopped in front of her, looking at her.

"I can't find what I'm missing,

I lost myself, I hope that you're listening,

I've seen my puzzle taken apart,

It's hard to start again."

Faith knelt in front of her, pushing strands of fallen hair behind her ear and looked at Ren for a few seconds. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to hear the bad excuse Faith might have for her, whether she wanted to get hurt even more. The pain she was already feeling was intense, though it had numbed to a constant throbbing in her chest that she had almost gotten used to. Did she really want to listen to Faith and possibly open up the wounds that she'd already hidden with band-aids?

"But with you, all I knew, was the filth that you put me through,

I'm sick of reliving the past,

My time it came and it passed,

I'm holding on to the memories, making them last."

Turning her head away, Ren blinked, wishing she hadn't been crying like this. She hated to have people see her cry period, but having them see her cry when she was crying over them was even worse. The streetlight reflected off her tears and she felt soft fingers trace the outlines of the tearstains, wiping them away. Ren pushed Faith's hand away and turned her head back to look at the other girl.

"So when you come around,

you'll find me on the ground,

searching for a piece that I never found."

Their eyes met, and although it was dark, Ren could see something in the other girl's eyes. She wasn't sure whether it was remorse or guilt or worry, but either one of those still made her at least slightly curious as to what the girl could have to say. But she doubted that any words Faith could speak to her right now would take away the hurt and betrayal she was feeling. It just wasn't something that vanished as soon as you said the magic words.

"I feel so stupid, friends knew it, turned to it,

I'm by…myself, bound to…be,

I can't find what I'm missing,

I lost myself, I hope that you're listening,

I've seen my puzzle taken apart,

It's hard to start again."

Faith's hands came to rest on top of her knees that were still drawn up to her chest. Ren could feel the heat radiating through the thin fabric of her pants and looked down, wondering if she should move away. The touch felt as good as it felt bad, sending her emotions crashing down upon her in a frenzied wave of confusion. What was going on? Why was Faith even here, why wasn't she with Buffy? Ren closed her eyes as the soft hands moved down her legs until they reached her own hands that were still wrapped around her legs.

"And I knew it was to be,
my words are quick to undress me,
filled this heart with broken glass,
to make this thing last,
feel so numb when we lie together,
feel so numb when we lie together."

Ren opened her eyes again, seeing the other girl whisper her name but no sound ever left Faith's lips. The older brunette was pleading her to listen, to pay attention; Ren could see it in her eyes. But she just wasn't sure whether she wanted to hear it. She didn't want to be told that all of it had meant nothing to Faith, that she'd been bait, part of a revenge plan. That Faith had only kissed her to get back at Buffy. Tears fell from her eyes at the reminder of what happened and a quiet sob shook her body.

"I'm by…myself, bound to…be,

I can't find what I'm missing,

I lost myself, I hope that you're listening,

I've seen my puzzle taken apart,

It's hard to start again."

She felt the brunette move besides her, sitting on the floor next to Ren, and once again soft fingertips wiped the tears from her cheeks with a gentleness she never knew existed. It almost made her believe again, almost made her think that Faith was for real and not just toying with her. People just weren't gentle with someone they didn't care about. But that nagging little voice in the back of her mind told her the exact opposite, and Ren couldn't help but listen.

" I'm by…myself, bound to…be,

I can't find what I'm missing,

I lost myself, I hope that you're listening,

I've seen my puzzle taken apart,

It's hard to start again."

She didn't even have the strength to move away again anymore. Ren wanted nothing more than to break down and cry, but she was afraid that was exactly what Faith wanted. To see her vulnerable. She tried to block out the touch, concentrating on the music, when Faith leaned away to switch off the stereo and suddenly everything became quiet.

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"Ren," she spoke softly, wincing at how loud her voice sounded in the now totally quiet room. The girl had shied away from her touch once and Faith didn't want it to happen again. She hadn't expected it would make her feel like she'd been punched in the gut in a million years.

"Listen Ren, I know this probably doesn't mean much, but…I'm sorry. I'm not sorry that I kissed you, because I meant that with all my heart…but I am sorry that Buffy said all that stuff. It wasn't right of her to do it. Especially not in front of you."

Ren turned her head to look at the other girl, giving her an angry stare, "Oh, so you could keep on pretending that I meant something to you? That I wasn't just the main character in your little ploy to get Buffy back?"

Wincing at the harshness in the brunette's tone Faith sighed. She had to diffuse this situation, but nothing except for the truth would be able to do it, "She was wrong about that. True, at first I did want to get revenge on her…but after a while I realized how stupid that was. And I was hanging out with you, which I really liked and figured it was a lot better to just try to take my mind off her by being around you. I loved being around you, still do. I didn't expect to fall for you…but I did, and it has nothing to do with what Buffy did."

The younger brunette narrowed her eyes in confusion, she wasn't sure she'd actually heard right. Faith liked her, had feelings for her? Ren shook her head, wondering why she was coming up with these crazy ideas. She must've definitely heard wrong.

"You…you mean you…like me…too?" she finally croaked out, her voice still cracking at the threat of fresh tears.

"Yeah, I do. I was just too surprised to say anything earlier…you made me speechless…I figured actions speak louder than words and…," Faith answered, giving her a soft smile before trailing off.

"Then what about you and Buffy getting back together?"

Shaking her head the taller brunette looked into brown eyes, brushing a strand of hair out of Ren's face and then sighed, "I never…she asked me about it a couple of days ago and…I wasn't sure what to say…I told her I'd think about it. But I meant that I'd think about trying to work through things…I…I'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship with her."

Ren wiped away the tears still remaining on her face and sniffed, looking at her friend expectantly. Maybe she'd been wrong after all…maybe she had a chance. And she wanted nothing more than to have that chance, to be able to be with Faith. After all the pain was already lessening just by listening to the other girl convince her she liked her, through Faith's touch.

"So…what happens now?" the younger brunette questioned, almost cursing herself for bringing it up. The moment was probably ruined now.

"I…don't know yet. It wouldn't be fair to just jump into anything unless I'm 100 sure about how I feel for that person, and how I feel about the other person. I need some time…to sort things out, I just don't want to cause even more hurt. I hope that…I hope you can understand that and…I'm not saying we can't be around each other, 'cause I wouldn't want that. I just don't want to rush anything, I can't be with someone just because they want it ; I have to do, too, y'know?"

Ren nodded slowly, understanding fully well but still wishing that Faith could just decide on the spot and hopefully pick her. But she knew it wasn't that easy; if Faith picked her she might regret it later, or constantly wonder if she hadn't made a mistake and should really be with Buffy. "Yeah I…understand, I guess. I just don't want to lose you as a friend…no matter what happens."

Smiling, Faith nodded and pulled the girl into a hug, the gesture showing that she felt exactly the same way. As she pulled back, the brunettes looked at each other for a few seconds, before Faith slowly stood up. The older girl held her hands out and pulled Ren up as well, grinning now and it made the shorter brunette smile softly as well.

"What'd you say we watch a movie, just you and me? We can't really go back to the party and it'll be kinda quiet and relaxing? I'll even let you pick," Faith smirked, sitting down on Ren's bed, never letting go of the other girl's hands.

Cocking her head, Ren chuckled softly and nodded. Maybe watching a movie with her friend was the right idea; it'd definitely be relaxing and after stressing herself out like that, relaxation sounded great. She left the room to go downstairs and grab a video, hoping she wouldn't run into anyone else from her family. She just wasn't in the mood to explain why she'd come home crying with Donnie and why Faith was in her room and why she was now feeling about a thousand times better.

Hurrying back upstairs with the movie, Ren couldn't help but laugh upon seeing the terrified look on her friend's face after seeing the movie title.

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Faith yawned slightly and redirected her attention back to the TV screen. She still couldn't believe she'd agreed to watch this movie. Some teenie-flick about a cheerleading squad with a major cheer crisis, with at least a couple of cute girls, although one looked eerily familiar. The brunette was lying back on Ren's bed, head bedded comfortably on the soft pillows and she looked to her right where the other girl was sitting Indian-style.

Looking back at the movie Faith almost scoffed at the very subtext-like display of affection between two of the cheerleaders; there was definitely something going on between that blonde and creepy brunette. She was just about to make a comment, when she felt Ren shift and move to lie down, the girl's head and arm accidentally coming to rest on Faith's shoulder and stomach.

Ren almost immediately jerked back up, mumbling a nervous, seemingly embarrassed apology and wouldn't even look Faith in the eyes. Grinning, the older girl reassured her friend that it was perfectly fine and then found herself sneaking an arm around Ren's shoulders from behind her to pull her back down. Reluctantly the shorter brunette let her head rest on Faith's shoulder, lying on her back so she could still see the TV. They were lying close, bodies touching, but Faith really didn't even register that. In fact, she was starting to enjoy the movie, laughing at a comment about 'sweater-monkeys' and soon even Ren had forgotten the butterflies she'd gotten in her stomach from being in such close contact with the brunette.

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"Gosh, are they always that bouncy and happy?" Faith grumbled, watching in disbelief as the cheerleaders bounced away happily on the screen. She hoped the movie would be over soon, she was getting kinda tired and she could tell that her friend was as well.

Looking down to ask whether she was going to have to endure cheerleaders for much longer, Faith felt the other girl shift on her left side, her head still resting on Faith's shoulder, Ren's arm unconsciously sneaking around the older girl's waist. Realizing Ren was already fast asleep, Faith took a deep breath and looked at her for a few seconds. She wasn't exactly sure what to do now. The girl looked so peaceful, so calm and relaxed and there was no way in hell Faith was going to disturb that. But she knew that if she moved, Ren would definitely wake up; the girl had told her once that she was an extremely light sleeper.

Feeling for the TV remote, Faith finally found it and turned off the movie, dipping the room in darkness once again. The door to Ren's room was closed, she could faintly hear two or three people talking, probably downstairs in the living room. Soft whispers of a TV playing accompanied the voices and somehow Faith found it very relaxing. A slit of light came through under the door, not able to illuminate much past one foot from the door, but the brightness when she looked at bottom of the door made her feel safe for some reason.

Shifting slightly, so as not to wake the sleeping girl in her arms, Faith contemplated whether she should leave. It was probably the wiser thing to do, but then again, maybe it wasn't. She felt kind of happy, lying here with Ren on top of her, hearing the girl's family talking downstairs. And going home meant to face Buffy, something she wasn't in the mood for just yet. Yawning again, Faith realized how tired she really was.

Pushing down the last little voice of doubt in the back of her mind, Faith closed her eyes, wrapping an arm around Ren's shoulders and let herself drift off to sleep as well. The two girls slept better than they had in weeks.

To be continued...