Title: Susan or The Ninety & Nine.

Disclaimer: I don't own "The Chronicles of Narnia" or the song I used. The song was written by Jeff Goodrich from of his album "I Heard Him Come and other songs about the Savior". It is called "The Ninety and Nine".

Author's Note: This is not a repost exactly. This is the first version of the story that I posted and I replaced it because I have had some people ask after it. Now, I have put the song back in because I can now italicize it. I give my sincerest thanks to C. S. Lewis for his permission to write further stories of Narnia. First person point of view.

Summary: "Once a King or Queen in Narnia, Always a King or Queen in Narnia."

Aslan, The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

And I can't forget His eyes as I turned my head aside,
I heard Him call a name, it was mine.
In my back I felt a chill, as He called after me still.
On the day I left the Ninety and Nine.

The doorbell rang, piercing the silence of my room. For a moment I debated with myself, should I get up when my head-ached so? But then it rang again; I rose wearily from my bed and stumbled towards the door. If it was one of my friends, I'd give them a piece of my mind, they knew I had a terrible migraine.

I softened my features as I opened the door; it wouldn't do to show my irritation if it was a stranger. I surprised to see a telegram delivery boy standing there. I wasn't expecting anything from anyone. A dreadful feeling hit my stomach, maybe it was from my family. It would be just like them to scold me for my lifestyle. That unfair thought didn't sit well with me; they may not approve but they love me enough to let me go.

"May I help you?" I asked, all the while hoping that the answer would be no.

"Miss Susan Pevensie?" He asked, I nodded and he handed me the telegram. Tipping his hat, with sadness in his eyes he wished me a good evening.

"Thank you." My voice followed him down the hall and I watched him go before slowly closing the door behind me. I fingered the telegram, and then put it down, whatever it was could wait. I went back into my room and lay back down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling until I fell asleep.

Bring!

I rolled over with a groan and turned off the alarm, wondering why morning seemed to come in the middle of the nicest dreams. Getting up, I stretched and went to take a shower. As I headed out the door for another day at work, I saw the telegram out of the corner of my eye. That sinking feeling filled my stomach once more. I hesitated, knowing that I should open it but...I really didn't want to know what it contained.

I began to turn away when the paper shifted, a familiar face appeared. It seemed to call to me. I jumped back and closed my eyes, not wanting to see. When I opened them again, the form was gone. I tried to shrug it off but found that I couldn't ignore what had just happened, any more than I could my time in Narnia.

I was young, there was sun in a blue sky above.
There were friends and my dear family.

Narnia. I was a high queen there, as was my sister, Lucy and Peter and Edmund were the high kings. Peter was wise, Edmund brave, and Lucy was valiant. And me? There I was known as Queen Susan the gentle.

My lips twisted bitterly at the thought. I was always in need of rescuing, like when that awful Rabadash tried to trick me into marrying him. How I envied Lucy her courage. She was always ready to jump into the thick of things and always ready to speak up-like when she first discovered Narnia. We didn't believe her and yet, she never recanted. That courage has helped her here, as have Peter and Edmund's gifts.

But I was gentle and kind. Do you know how long that behavior lasts in our world? Unless you are very strong, it doesn't last long at all. Do you know, we went back one year later to help Prince Caspian. I knew something was wrong then, I felt like I truly didn't belong there. As much as I loved Narnia, it felt wrong.

But my heart wouldn't part with the dreams in my head.
And I said it was time I should leave.

After Aslan told us that Peter and I could never return, I felt this great emptiness inside me. I turned to other things, hoping to fill that void. Going to America was like entering another world as far as I was concerned. Things were very different, people had a different outlook on life. I met a lot of new people who had such a, I don't know, a sense of freedom about them. There was this new attitude, the kind that made you feel like you could do anything and not need anyone's help.

I was told there is gold and there's treasure to hold.
And there's greener grass not far away.

Oh, it was heady and exciting to me. The world my friends showed me was quite different, and, I have to admit, it was fun shocking my family with my actions. And I wasn't really hurting anyone. Except, I paused to reflect, my old friends. They didn't quite belong in my new life. So I cut them out. What if my heart got a little harder, that was a small price to pay to belong.

But my mind was so blind to the riches I lost,
When I left the one who begged me to stay.

And yet, I couldn't help but wonder about my old life. There was a look in Aslan's eyes that spoke to me on that last day there before I turned and walked away.

Enough. I shook my head and picked up the telegram. It's probably them saying that there's trouble in Narnia and I'm needed. I don't know why they need me, I'll probably do something and ruin everything. I opened it and read to short paragraph:

Miss Susan Pevensie, Boston, Massachusetts. stop.
Tragic news. stop. Your parents and brothers and sister were
killed in a train accident earlier this week. stop Your cousin
and his friend, Jill Pole were also lost. stop. We could not get in
touch with their parents. stop. We are asking you to make some
arrangements to come home and settle their affairs. stop.
Respectfully yours, William Sandford.

The paper dropped from my nerveless hand. As the thought of their deaths sank into my numb mind, I dropped to my knees, silent tears running down my face. Soon it became a flood and I was sobbing uncontrollably. After what seemed like hours, the tears slowed down and I was gasping for air.

Now my tears and my fears, pierce my heart till it bleeds.
Sorrow like I've never known.

"Why?" I scream at the ceiling, anger and despair filling my heart. "Why did it have to happen to them? They were so good, they believed in you. How could you desert them?" I felt so cold and alone, wondering where were all my friends and their pretty promises now?

Through my rage and emptiness, I heard the phone ringing and picked it up. It was my boss, wanting to know why I was late. How mundane, my world has fallen apart and I have to pretend that nothing has happened. I don't know where I found the courage but I quietly and calmly explain to him that I must return home, my family had died in a train wreck.

He answered quietly that he would make any arrangements necessary for me to leave and to take as much time off to recover from such a tragedy. I thanked him and promise to come in later to pick up my tickets. We say good-bye and I got up to pack in a daze. My mind and heart are gone but my body carries on through the motions.

The numbness has yet to leave my heart, I could not shed any tears as I watched my family being lowered into their graves. It was a nice funeral, just what they would have wanted but it seemed hollow. I listened with ears that felt like wads of cotton had been stuck into them, none of the words the minister offered held any comfort or solace for me. I felt dead inside of a living world.

And there's pain and there's rain, where the skies once were blue.
All the pleasures have left me alone.

I didn't return to work, there was so much at home that needed to be done and it wouldn't be fair to keep Mr. Wilkins waiting for me to come back. My friends have been asking me to visit, telling me that I can't dwell on the past. They say what's done is done and tell me to move on.

Don't they know that I can't? I've tried but I just can't. It's like there's this wall of grief that I can't tear down no matter how hard I try. I know that my family is gone. I accept the fact that I will never see them again in this life. But I hate being the one who's been left behind. I feel betrayed. I always thought that their faith would keep them strong and safe.

That is the one more thing that bothers me. Why me? I'm not the strong one, they were. I wish I knew if it was something I did, was I responsible for their deaths? I was half-tempted to fall to my knees and ask. But I couldn't do it, there was so much anger inside me against Aslan. I couldn't understand why He let this happen to them. And I felt ashamed of myself, I couldn't bring myself to talk to Him.

Go to bed, I tell myself, things will look better in the morning.

You've been saying that for a long time, another voice tells me. If things were going to improve, don't you think they would've already? To drown out the voices, I climb into bed and go to sleep. For once it is a calm night.

I am asleep, and yet I am not asleep. I can see my family and they are in a most beautiful place. I want to call out to them, but stop in shame. They look so happy and are at peace. I look down at myself and see nothing more than a shadow. I don't belong there with them, I wonder if I ever did.

I begin to cry, feeling so ashamed of myself. All the things I thought had made me happy were but pale imitations to this, the real thing. Let me out of here! I scream inside, wondering why I have to be forcefully reminded of what I've lost. Why? Why did you desert me?

Even now as I bow and my cries fill the night.
And I wonder, how can He still care?

"Susan." I woke up at the sound of a gentle voice in the darkness. I wonder if I'm finally cracking up, but my heart leaps at the sound. I burrow down into the covers, scared that it'll leave me. The shell cracks around my heart at the sound, I wonder what it could possibly mean.

"Susan." It called again. I know that voice and tentatively peak out over my blanket. In the shadows on the wall, I could swear that I see Aslan.

"Go away. I'm angry with you." I said, feeling the tight knot inside dissolving.

"What have I done to deserve your anger, Susan?" That soft voice never changed, neither did the look in His eyes. They held me with their gentleness and love.

There's a sound, spinning round,
Oh, my soul leaps for joy!
A familiar voice, answers my prayers.

"You could have stopped them from dying and you didn't." Was my hurt response before the dam of emotions bottled up inside of me for so long was unleashed. The words came without my thinking, I couldn't stop talking once I had begun and He listened to me. After a while, my words trailed off, I felt weak and utterly spent. There was nothing inside me except a strange feeling of relief that I'd finally spoken and let out the bile that was poisoning me.

There was silence before He spoke again. "Maybe. But sometimes bad things must happen to bring forth a better world."

"But why did you have to take them? Was it something I did?" My question was quiet and full of sorrow.

Then He moved towards me with His arms outstretched. I jumped up and ran into those arms, crying with relief as His paws enfolded me.

As I run to His embrace, through my tears I see His face.
Through His smile I hear a name, it is mine.

"My dear daughter, Susan." Was all He said.

I looked up into His gentle face, amazed that His voice was still patient and loving. "How can you still care for me after all the things I've done?"

"Because I can. Susan, how could you let yourself believe that you are not worthy of love?"

"I have not the courage of Lucy or the wisdom of Peter. I am not like Edmund, full of bravery. I am just me, gentle and kind." My voice was full of self-loathing, I knew what I was and hated it.

He was quiet, so quiet that I thought I had made Him angry with my attitude. And yet, when He spoke it was not to scold me. He simply asked how long I'd been envious of my siblings' gifts.

Envious? I pondered that for a moment before answering Him. "I guess ever since we returned from Narnia the first time. They could rejoin life and fit in, yet I noticed how different I was from everyone around me. I don't have the strength that they have to stand up and lead out."

"You have more strength than you realize, Susan. But you spend too much time comparing yourself unfavorably with others." Aslan explained patiently. "Kindness and gentleness has its place in this world, this world needs it more than you and others realize. You must live in this world. And I am here to see that you do."

There was a finality in His voice that struck me. "What do you mean? What about the people of Narnia?"

In His arms
He holds me tight.

"Its time has come, Narnia and all it's people are in my land. You saw them, they are happy but not joyful. That will only come when you have come home to them. So live, Susan, live."

"I will try, if you'll stay by my side." I answer quietly, laying my head on His warm side.

"I will always be with you, though you may not always see me." His voice purred softly, I felt His breath stirring my hair. It was the last thing I heard before I fell asleep, the first deep sleep I'd had in a very long time.

As He guides me through the night,
Going home, to the Ninety and Nine.

The End.

Author's Note: I hope this works. The computer kept telling me that it was making errors and had to shut down. I also hope that I am not breaking any rules. If I am, please let me know before I get in trouble. Thank you.