1/14/05

NOTE: hope?

Here, diary, this is big. Listen…

"Cast me away like a piece of paper

Leave me alone in the cold

It's too late to save me – let me go

I'm not alive but behold

I don't breathe, but I love…" I was singing. What else could I do alone in the dark?

"Dear one, come to me," It was Jagger. Now I 'belonged' to him. The door flew open and I was lifted to my feet from off of the floor. I said nothing.

"Sing again," he pleaded, "Sing,"

I did not speak.

"You must be getting hungry…"

No I wasn't. It's like I don't have to eat anymore.

"Not for food love, you know, blood."

There it is again, 'blood'. Always and forever will it taunt me.

"I'd rather slit my own writs and drink from them before I take another's" I snapped.

Jagger just smiled. He knew. He knew that my insides were burning, that my tongue seemed to be rotting in my mouth. That my very energy was decreasing with each passing moment. He KNEW that I was killing myself inside. He knew.

He came close to me, (too close), "whenever you want it," he whispered, "go get it,"

I turned my face away before his hand touched my cheek.

"Go get it," he repeated and stroked my face. As he walked out of my room, all I could think of was Beast Boy.

…Dear Beast Boy…

More…

That was yesterday, diary and I have good news! (Very good news, I just might smile – for once). Remember how I told you that we could travel THROUGH darkness? Yea, guess what. I know how.

It was very late at night. Just the time that Jagger was gone out to feed. (He does not know that I know that he doesn't know that I know how to travel through darkness)  wow, remind me not to think so hard again. (Ouch!) Anyway, there was a particularly dark spot in my 'room". Here I could leave this retched place.

"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!" I used my powers to help me pass through. And I did.

I was at the foot of Titans Tower. Perfect, I thought. I floated up to my window. The lights were on. (Light hurts my eyes so bad! It's a living nightmare! … Well my whole life is a living nightmare. Will I ever wake up?). I saw Beast Boy sitting on my bed. I mumbled my incantation again and passed though the shadow on the window into a dark corner in my room. Beast Boy was still on the bed looking at one of my many picture frames. It was of him and me. I was almost smiling and he was in some crazy pose. He made a noise. He was crying. (Over me? Don't cry, Beast Boy)

"Don't cry, Beast Boy," I said very raspy. He turned around quickly dropping the picture and shattering it on the floor.

"Raven?!" he called out anxiously.

"Turn some of the lights off" I ordered. He did so. All the lights were off, save one lamp by Beast Boy which slightly illuminated the whole room. I was crawling on the ceiling wall, my cape hanging below me. Swiftly I moved to the side wall and slightly closer. I must have looked like a cockroach crawling on the wall like that. I was like a centipede tormenting the person who had to stare at me. Finally I stood on the ground.

"I thought I'd lost you…" Beast Boy said inching closer and closer to me.

"Stop, Beast Boy," I ordered. I was unsure of what I might do while I am like this. He stopped. "I need your help," I said.

"No, Raven! We're going to cure you and keep you away from that freak!"

"Beast Boy,"
"I love you Rae! Didn't you hear me say it before?!"

(Yes I remember, but I didn't think he MEANT it…)

Tears were rolling down his cheeks, "Don't go again…" he managed to finally say.

"I can't believe you said that to me. Why would you love me? Why would anyone?"

"Without you I'm broken, I'm not complete,"

"I - " I love him… i LOVE him…

"Open my chest, Beast Boy," I said weakly. He had an astonished look on his face but did as I said.

"I cannot open it because I put a spell on it which keeps anything undead from opening it,"

He didn't even look at me over in the corner of the room.

"Get the book that says 'Vampires and Likens'"

He did, and he handed it to me. He looked in my eyes then at the ground.

"Thank you," I whispered and began to sink into the shadow behind me, "I love you too," I finished. His eyes darted back and sparkled at me. I love him. I love him, and I think he really does love me.

Now, diary, I have to look for a cure. I have glanced at this book once before and I believe there IS a cure. I WILL escape Jagger, and I WILL go home.