Hello to all you Muggles out there! Since the author is obviously too lazy to update her story, I, the irresistible Sirius Black, am going to do it instead! And I'll do a better job of it, too, since she isn't nearly flattering enough when it comes to describing my wonderful, brilliant, magnificent, breathtaking, glorious…
I hope you aren't referring to yourself.
Woah, Moony! When did you get here?
I've been here the whole time, though you've obviously been too wrapped up flirting with yourself to notice!
Shut up, Remus.
Anyway, what are you doing on Eggo Waffles's computer? She's gonna kill you, you know.
Ah, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Anyway, I'm doing her a favor. Where is she, anyway?
Off reading Lord of the Rings somewhere, I think.
Traitor!
You're just jealous because she knows how to read, Padfoot.
Oh, isn't somebody just full of wit today!
Yes, I rather am.
Right. Anyway, we'd better get cracking. The audience is probably bored with all your chattering by now.
Ahem.
Well, so, anyway. What universe are we in, anyhow? Oh, crap… tell me this isn't one of those ones where I'm married to you!
You say that like it's a bad thing!
……
I was KIDDING, Padfoot.
Don't lie. You can't resist me.
Eurgh. I feel sick.
ANYWAY… ah ha! So we were right about the part where I, the splendiferous Sirius Black, have the brilliant plan of summoning a map and turning it into a sort of large-scale Marauder's Map of London so that we can find the ever-elusive Mr. Cirian Scott Vanderdeiken Blask.
We're past that part, Sirius.
Oh.
We've finished putting the charms on the map, and then we hid out in the attic with Buckbeak while we waited for them to set.
Okay. I'll start.
The wonderful, brilliant, magnificent, breathtaking, glorious Sirius Black yawned sexily and decided to eat a sandwich. First he conjured two slices of bread, lightly toasted, a jar of mayonnaise, a head of lettuce, a rind of bacon, three tomatoes, a bottle of mustard, a few slices of turkey…
Merlin's Beard, Sirius, skip to something more interesting!
What's more interesting than the culinary activities of the wonderful, brilliant, breathtak…
Argh!
Argh? You sound like a pirate.
Oh, shut up and get on with updating. Though it's beyond me why anyone would want to read about the deranged adventures of two thirty-six year old wizards.
I'm twenty-eight, actually.
No you're not!
Yes I am!
Sirius, how old were you when you were sent to Azkaban?
Uh… twenty-two.
And how many years has it been since then?
Fifteen.
Therefore, you are…
Twenty-four!
(beats head against nonexistent cyberdesk) Dumbledore made a huge mistake when he decided not to have Maths taught at Hogwarts.
Your point being…?
(shakes head) Whatever, Sirius. You're twenty-four.
Twenty-one, actually.
ARGH!
He's doing the pirate thing again! He's-
What the hell are you doing on my computer?
Eek! Eggo Waffles!
Eggos… how nice to see you…
Don't pull that with me Sirius. What are you doing messing around with my precccccious?
It's true! SHE'S A LORD OF THE RINGS FAN!
And look what book she's carrying… IT'S THE HOBBIT! NO, IT'S THE SILMARILLION! WAIT, NO, IT'S THE RETURN OF THE KING! IT'S…
"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix"?
Oh.
Oh.
Just kidding. It's The Two Towers.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Oh, give it a rest, will you? And stop messing with my iTunes library!
What's the point, anyway? All you have is Celtic music!
Yeah, haven't you ever heard of the Weird Sisters?
Believe it or not, they're a fictional band. You're fictional characters. All of this is fictional.
Say WHAT?
#… I shouldn't have said that…
I can't believe you accused us of being fictional!
It's so demeaning!
We're as real as you are!
Okay… so we're not… but we still have feelings!
Alright, alright, alright… if I update will you shut up?
You mean you're going to update?
I guess.
Hooray! You have no idea how boring it's been in the cyberchanging-room all these weeks…
Sorry, sorry…
And another thing.
What?
Promise you'll never read Lord of the Rings again!
No can do.
Blood traitor…
You sound like your mother.
Argh!
Well, look who's the pirate now.
Alright, off the computer. I need to update.
But EGGOS…
OFF!
Fine.
Fine.
Namárië to you both.
Ack! She's speaking Elvish!
OUT! (kicks them out with cyberboots)
Anyway, guys, sorry about that… interruption. I'm also sorry that I broke my pledge. Okay, actually I'm not sorry, but I can pretend. I'm halfway through writing the next chapter—this is here to tide you over. It will be up within a few days… not that you should trust my promises.