Disclaimers: If I owned Sirius and Remus, I would be a very happy camper. But I don't, so I'm forced into the rather sad position of the fanfiction author, who lives vicariously through reading and writing deranged fantasies featuring said characters. Pity me. And review.
Remus Lupin woke at exactly seven o'clock in the morning and tried to remember exactly why he was sleeping in an attic with his back resting against the flank of a very disgruntled Hippogriff.
Ah, wait. He was in another crazy escapade with Sirius. This, then, was normal.
But things were a lot less humorous than they had seemed the night before, when they had been enchanting maps like they were the Marauders again and swigging Sirius's secret Butterbeer stash. Now it was sirius… no, serious. They had less than a day to try their luck yet again at completing this impossible task, and if…
Thunk.
Buckbeak was bored with being Remus's pillow, and the werewolf's head clunked against the wooden floor. Stars winked, and large purple elephants did cartwheels.
The noise also woke Sirius from a deep dream-filled sleep.
"I AM NOT A PIRATE!" he cried as he flipped out of the moldy overstuffed chair where he had been sleeping, staring around wildly.
"Wassamatter Padfoot?" said Remus, slightly dazed.
"Wow… I was having the most bizarre dream… something about you, an egg named Waffles, and a lot of really annoying Irish music…"
Remus blinked at his friend. "Only you, Sirius. Only you."
He rose, swaying, and stalked over to the cramped table where the dingy map lay spread. "The dots have all appeared—they're still labeling themselves." He cast a rueful, albeit glazed, look at Sirius. "I really, really don't think this is going to work."
"Oh, stop being such a pessimist," said Sirius. "How about a sandwich?" He yawned and conjured up toast, mayonnaise, a head of lettuce, a rind of bacon, three tomatoes, a bottle of mustard, a few slices of turkey, and a large can of whipped cream.
"Hungry, are we?"
"It's gonna be good, do you want me to…"
"Shhhh!" said Remus, shushing Sirius with a hand motion. The steps outside were creaking… someone was coming up to the attic…
"Hide, Sirius!"
"Why?"
"You're dead."
Sirius had just leapt behind the chair when the door swung open, Molly Weasley standing on the threshold. She was carrying a bag of dead rats, presumably to feed Buckbeak. "Remus?" she said suspiciously. "What are you doing up here?"
"I'm… making a sandwich!" he said enthusiastically, pointing at Sirius's culinary supplies, which lay strewn over the armchair.
Molly gave him a look. "Remus, where is he?"
"Where's who?"
"Sirius."
Remus gave a gasp of mock surprise, while inwardly he shrieked, How the hell did she find out? "I am amazed that you would have the audacity to ask such a question about my…"
Molly glared at him rather as she did Fred and George when they were being particularly boisterous. "Really, Remus, how daft do you think I am? You've been acting extremely odd of late, anyone can see that. Running through the house, calling for imaginary cats and skipping Order meetings…"
Damn, he thought, I forgot about that!
"… and then Arthur comes and tells us that Sirius was seen at the Ministry by a crowd of eyewitnesses, along with you I might add. And," she added, wrinkling her nose. "This room smells like dog!"
Behind the armchair, Sirius sneezed.
"Ah-ha!" cried Molly.
"Eep!" said Sirius and Remus in unison, and the pair Disapparated, Remus snatching the map as they vaporized. They found themselves both standing at Nelly's sandwich shop.
"We Apparated to the same place unrehearsed!" exclaimed Remus.
"Great minds think alike!"
"There he is!" someone cried, and they turned to see the girl who had served them the day before, surrounded by a large crowd of please-men. She pointed a manicured finger at them. "I knew it was him I saw! Sirius Black!"
"Eep!" They Apparated again.
Three Apparitions later, Sirius and Lupin were standing yet again in the middle of London, hoping that there was nothing too conspicuous about two oddly dressed thirty-something year old men whispering furtively as they consulted a ragged map.
Oddly enough, it appeared that there wasn't.
"For Merlin's sake, I can't read anything on here!" muttered Sirius, squinting at the ant-like armies of black dots. "The writing's miniscule. Can you read it?"
Sadly, they both had canine eyesight.
Then, Remus remembered that he was a wizard and could, in fact, do magic. Muttering an incantation and pointing at a location, the map suddenly zoomed in. Little dots scurried to and fro. None of them were labeled "Cirian Blask" or "Scott Blask" or "Cirian Scott Blask" or "Scott Blask Cirian" or any other variation of Cirian, Scott, and Blask.
"Zoom in on the Ministry," said Sirius.
Remus obliged. No luck.
"His house?"
He tapped the map.
"Nothing there but cats," he answered, shrugging.
Sirius groaned in frustration.
"This is hopeless!"
"It was your idea!"
"Was not!"
There was a pause.
"Remus, you're supposed to say 'was too!'"
"Sirius, we're not five… or at least I'm not… and I refuse to get into one of those sorts of debates with you!"
"Aw, you're no fun, Remmy."
Sirius immediately observed that Remus suddenly looked as if he had taken a high dosage of Pepperup Potion, steaming ears and all, and he quickly amended his statement. "…I mean, Remus."
"Is that so, Siri."
Sirius paled. "You promised to never call me that again!"
"Whoops."
"It sounds like a girl's name!"
"And 'Remmy' is any better?"
"Yes, actually."
Sirius waited for a retort, but Lupin was studying the map again.
"Sirius, I've found him!" he cried suddenly.
"What? Where?" said Sirius, peering over Remus's shoulder at the map.
'Look, just there. The dot's not even moving."
"He's dead!"
"The map doesn't show dead people, Sirius!"
"But I'm on it! Look, right there."
"Technically, you're not dead. And… wait a minute…" Remus squinted at the map. "Where's your dot, Sirius?"
"Right there, and look, there's you, right there."
"And look… There's Cirian Scott Blask."
"You already showed me that."
"Have you noticed where he is?"
Sirius blinked, and…
"He's been on the other side of the street this whole time!"
They both scanned the opposite side of the street, eyes roving the crowds, and spotted a familiar looking person standing in the shelter of a bus stop.
"Ah-ha!" cried Sirius, and darted across the street, paying no heed to traffic laws.
"Watch out for the yellow ones… they don't stop!" said Remus, and, without thinking, threw out his right hand in agitation.
The Knight Bus suddenly went careening around a corner.
Sirius never even knew what hit him.